Thursday, 9 June 2016

So close.

I don't even know why I'm alive me... I'm 23, single, have a shit illness that makes it seem like I'm 70 years old... Before you think 'ohhh she's depressed again'. I always am... BUT I have upped my pills to 30mg... And they seem to be working brilliantly. I hate to be reliant on pills... But it has to be done. I couldn't hack being in my own head anymore, and they've seemed to make me less sad and depressive.

But basically my point is the CFS/ME is the illness making me see no point in life... Life is so shit. Honestly. I want to work but I can't. I tried to do full time and that is the downfall now I really can't work right now. And I just get worse... It's really such a ballache. I must of done something bad in a past life to get this bullshit life... And it is bullshit. It all just gets worse! I mean never being loved, always the one to love, never having genuine friends, I have never had a best friend, and then the illness takong its toll making me want to sleep 24/7.

If I could sleep and live in my GOOD dreams forever. I really would stay there. I'm in a happy place when I'm asleep.. Unless of course I have nightmares, or a bad dream, which I do occasionally get... I mean doesn't everyone?!

My illness makes me not want to live. I feel 70 when I'm 23. I'm fed up of always being tired and always being pain.

Talking of pain even that has gotten worse... Went from no pain to daily headache, to muscle pain occasionally, to constant muscle pain, which I'm used to, but now its the joing pain and backache... Which I still aint used to yet, if I ever do... The hip pain is the worst it keeps me up at night.

Someone make me life better.

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