Know what annoys me? When people say I will find someone, that I will be happy... just stop yourself. Right now, you reading this want to reassure me? Then stop.. stop right now. Because I know. I know it will never happen. I have accepted it, can you lot accept it too? I don't get my hopes up anymore, I expect to be hurt. Maybe I push them away too, but the gladly walk away...
You think the one exists? It doesn't. Plenty people leave the world on their own, and I will be one of them, especially when I don't expect to be here too long. I am done with life. I am legit just binding my time, or however the fuck you say it... blah. Life. It's annoying. It sucks. It's hard!
I am so lonely and alone. I say it all the time, but I really am. I thoight I had friends. But tbh they only bother when it benefits them, or if I pay for whatever... what kind of 'friend(s)' act like that? Fake ones. But oh well. I guess it's good if I get out once every full moon... even if i have to fucking pay.
I wish I was able to have happiness, to find someone again, but let's be serious. That isn't gonna happen. I'm seeing everyone around me happy, in relationships, and 90% really don't deserve it. Why are they happy? Why the fuck are they happy? They shouldn't have it. They shouldn't. I really fucking hope their worlds collapse and they lose everything and everyone. I'm the one who should be happy. Not them. Seriously. Unfair life. Why don't I just slit my throat right now? Tbh it'll happen soon enough. I'm saying strongish for now, but something will push me over that edge. I don't know when. But it will happen. I can't dealt with this anymore. My head is fucked! I can't be here.
My posts. I don't know who reads them. If they do. I'm just typing what's on my mind, trying to understand my mind, but it doesn't wanna happen. You know what i do the most in my life? Cry, I cry so much. I'm hurting. I hurt. Life isn't fair. I won't be with anyone again. I won't be happy. I have accepted this, sort of.
Just my mind wishes life was better, but it just won't be.
Everyone is happy. Both my exes got with someone else. They hate me. Probably wish I was dead. Past mistakes probably wish that too, in fact so many wish it let's be serious. Well. I have nothing to live for guys...
The end is near. I don't want to live. Just biding my time. I'm scared of death. That is the only thing keeping me here. But that won't be strong enough for me. I will get pushed too far. And I will be gone. And I really can't wait. Life is hard. Death is easy. The only time I am remotely ish happy is when I am asleep... but then again, I am getting more and more nightmares.
I wish I wasn't scared to die. Not when I wish it.