Well hey there.
I guess you're reading this. I hope you read it all... I mean my posts tend to be long. Sometimes. And I dunno it's my way of Venting... I hate venting to people. I mean, my problems are mine, I'm already a burden because of my illnesses... I don't wanna be more of a burden.
As we all know, my mind is so fucking complicated. Complicated endlessly. Stupid thoughts. Brutal thoughts. Ever since they changed my pills, I've been worse, but then about 2/3 weeks ago, I became numb! Like super numb. Fucking loved it. But then I crashed. I crashed Monday. I've still crashed but a little better. I'm not sleeping again at night, making everything worse. CFS is bad, depression was bad. Is bad. But hey. I am not ashamed to admit.
I am a fighter. No matter how much I hate life. No matter how much it gets me down. And how much i want to go... the fact is, I'm still here aren't I? That says it all say's that I am in fact strong. Staying here when I have no reason to stay, that's a big thing. I know that I'm awul for having these bad thoughts. And I'm sorry. But I can't help it.
I am alone. I am lonely. And that for me seems to be a big factor. But there is still other factors too that have made me be this way. Made me a little down. Made me in a bad place. If I could I would just love to forget my whole life, start again. Not remember the pain, the heartache. I would also love a cure for my illness.
My illness is hard. But I always have people telling me there is nothing wrong because I look alright. Because I am still working. Etc, etc. But what people don't know? I sleep more, I eat a little less, I only work part-time too. My illness frustrates me so fucking much. Like, I can't do much without exhausting myself, I have to nap to be able to do things. The pain can be so fucking brutal, not even joking. Sometimes I have to lie down doing my makeup so my arms are supported, or find them something to lean on, so you know, I can actually do my makeup. The pain is annoying. Constant. No proper relief! The tiredness too, no relief, no matter how much i sleep, or don't. My speech can be difficult, I feel embarrassed about that the most me. I mean. It's fucking embarrassing to be speaking and your words slur or come out in the incorrect order. Making me sound drunk, but instead I just have a useless illness! Getting more and more symptoms too. Some days more severe. Some days not so bad. Like, why is thtere no help? No cure? It really fucking needs it. Annoys me when people say it isn't real because they don't understand, or they don't know. Or when people become impatient with me because I can't think right for a conversation, or I'm too exhausted to even hold a conversation. If you're in my life. You need to be patient, understanding. I don't need people in my life who will give me abuse because I'm too tired and crashing so bad to do anything. My concentration goes so much lately. Like normally read and watch stuff at the same time... but it's been hard to do so. Have to do one or of the other nowaday. Frustrating. Like right now, was watching something, concentration gone, head is hurting, bye bye TV! I get getting dizzy spells me lately super bad, and my fast heartbeat I keep feeling going, boom boom, it's bad when I take cocdomol. Kinda lose my breath, the pills wanna slow me, the heartbeat wants to keep going fast... it is like my heart is fluttering.
I'm wondering whether to take cocodomol. But I don't wanna risk it. I took 4 last night. Two strong ones, two if the weakest. Then my anti depressants... maybe too many but it knocked me out, and I haven't been sleeping well. Something is wrong, something I can'r hit on something.
My thoughts are always so jumbled, constantly fighting myself me you know... like, shit. Fuck this. And after everything going on in England, I hate myself for not wanting to be here when people are dying, I'm a fucking nasty person. I must be. That's probably why I'm not allowed to be happy. Because everytime I try, blah. Fucks up. I just want to be happy!
As I said before the hardest part is being alone and lonely. But I don't get why. It's always been this way. Depression started when I was about 11, never being accepted, friendless, being bullied to the point of crying in front of everyone, making the bullies just laugh at me harder. Never really kissed anyone, just a couole of guys, but even then they didn't want me. I was good, I only had sex 16 onwards... but then was a downfall of bad things. Some I can't say. I just can't. There's so much I vent. But there are still some things I can't let anyone know about... I just can't.
The loneliness and being alone thing would not be so bad if I had money, being rich, I hate to say I'm materialistic, but I am these days. It's why I'm glad for the clips for making me money, and then the Findom stuff, well, when that even works. Because it's hard work with so many people trying to get into it and then alot of people who are 'timewasters'. You only have comstant Findom when you're highly popular. Before you ask, yes I like what I do. If I didn't I wouldn't do it, don't you think? I've been doing it now for almost two years. It's not easy most of the time. And you have to be patient... which alot of the time I actually aint so it frustrates me! Ha.
I'm thankful that even though I am lonely and alone, I still have sort of friends. I'd say a few real ones, not many though. Most people are online friends. I mean, I love you all, but it hurts. Hurts that everything has to be on a screen, not many outings these day, like shit. What happened to getting out the house to talk? Technology should disappear. I miss a world without Social Media. In fact I miss being younger. I just wanna be a kid and play manhunt. Evern though I've been alone all my life and bullied, i lived on a street where every child would get together every day pretty much. Get out and do thinks. And since a phone was only good to play snake... people weren't absorbed by technolgoy.
Know what annoys me the most? I bet you know if you read my posts?! You got it... MALES. No matter what anyone tries to say to me at this part... I have never in my fucking life met a decent fucking male. They legit act like boys, only thing they are arsed about it getting their dick wet... even if they are fucking a pie because a chick don't want them! Every time I talk to a guy 8 times out of 10 they switch the convo to sex, sending dick pics... and it's like please stop. I want a conversation. AM I not good enought to talk too?
Which brings me to sexist cunts. People are so against a strong woman like me showing skin... women should wear burkas, even us English. And it's like what the fuck? Males don't get stick about stuff... neiter should males. But you should all know by now, comments stopped offending me. I find it funny how people tey and abuse and bully... yet don't have a fucking clue about me. Get away. Join my blocklist. No drama. But always end up attracting drama! Fuck sake.
The thing is I'm materialistic. That keeps me happy, occupied. I mean I would love to meet a guy, to actually be loved, not just the one who loves, because something in my mind just knows I wasn't loved. I don't know. I mean I am head fucked aint I, anyway?! I would love friends who support me, help me, get me out, and I have a few who do so. I'm thankful. But yeah I still get lonely. Nobody really wants me. Yet everyone else is loved up and I'm here with a giant appetited and 6 cats to try and make me feel less alone. ANd it does sort of work... though I am going crazy. Full blown conversations with myself and my cats...
The guy thing... I don't think I will find anyone. Fact is. I am lonely, alone, but I still aint desperate, I can't just settle, why? Because I'll still feel lonely regardless. I need passion, fire, etc. I'm an opinionated person who will not let anyone hurt me again. My type as you all know is mainly Muscle Men. Maybe that's where I go wrong? No. Because I have been for none muscle guys, and they were boys too. Only difference, muscle guys look like men. Which is probably my attraction! Haha. Guys play games anyway. 'Oh I want you' he says to me and 9372838 others... they always get caught. I'm like a detective. I should have that job.
Oh yeah that brings me bacj to my illness and work.,, I fucking miss working full time! But I know I can't because even 2/3 nights a week can tend to kill me off, silly fucking illness can you go please? I'd love be back at work proper. I mean, I love money, and well won't be in my own head for long will I?!
Anyhow. I need to sleep. Well try since these days sleep doesn't want to happen... thankyou for reading. If you read it all. I'm just a complicated mind.