Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Numb thinking is when I feel the best

  I haven't blooged for a while, sorry! But if you have me on Social Media you will have seen my mind has been it's usual useless dark place.
  But today, I dunno, I still am, but my thoughts are more numb, I think it's because I'm super trained, more drained. Because on top of my illness I'm ill! It's only a cold... but fuck me it's brutal for me with my illness. I mean I was just getting rid of my last one after like a month, then my family go and give me another cold! Here's to another month of agony! Bravo!!
  I hate living how I have to live. I can't go out without making myself get more symptoms to my illness and feeling more ill. Yeah, honestly isn't fair life. I swear I must have been cursed or something. Was a murdered or something in a past life... because I never get anything good, yet people who should not be happy, end up being happy.
  This is a random thought... wouldn't be nice if past lives do exist, wel actually I believe they do exist... but wouldn't it be kinda fun if you remembered all your past lives, basically be able to live on. Or you know vampires where real. I don't know. I can't believe once you die that's it... but at the same time I think it is. It's a complicated mind my thoughts. I confuse myself.
  I'm scared to die which is one of the main reasons I still fight! I mean I don't even know why, surely it's better than this daily fucking struggle... but na fuck knows. I think it's the whole 'not existing' after you die, you just die and that's it. I have no reason to live, but I'm scared to leave, that is just brutal...
  What makes me happy? I get asked this quite alot... I don't fully know anymore! I would love to have friends who care (they ignore me, I have to pester for a reply, I get fucked off for fuckboys). And well I truly believe I am single for life... guys mess me over, fuck with my head, play around with multiple guys. That kind of bullshit. Games at 24 years old though... could you be fucked?! I hate to be superficial... but I am now. Money and gifts. They make me happy! Along with cats!
  Which brings me to the Findom and Clips part... will you bloody stop wasting time and get those sales up?! Hahaha. Make me happy :P ;)!

  I am trying. I am still here. With these brutal dark thoughts. That has got to mean somethjng?! Even if right now I will never find someone, or every get decent mates, fuck knows. All of it. Why am I here?! I don't know.
  If my thoughts confuse you.., think how I feel. Jumbled head fucked, and I just don't know anymore. My life just seems to be getting worse... I don't know what happiness is. It also stresses me that I have loved, but never been loved... the people I fell for forgot me and moved on right away, just proves that they never loved me. They hate me.
  I will always be myself though. I can't do being fake me. I think I was years ago, but now I just don't care, I have spent my whole alone and being bullied. Through High School I had no try mates... and I still don't. I was bullied... but not no more, I don't let them get to me. Laughable. Irrelevamt people who talk shit about me behind a screen... but if I see them? They just stare from afar... like, shit, why the actual fuck would you just stand there and stare at someone who blocked you, get over it. Move on. Irrelevant people like I said! Idiots.
  My CFS/ME frustrates me! Always in pain. Always tired. And more and more symptoms lately! It's annoying that it's getting worse. I do not think I would cope if my case went severe, I barely vope as it is and I am only mind! I miss being able to work out too much without crashing. And stressful because I want to train weights... but know I won't be able too... I already struggle work out. When people say they have what I have because they are tired, jokes. Wankers. I wish that was just the case. Not this endless pain and terror and tiredness and so much more bullshit. Like I was just getting rid of a cold... just to have another come out! Like, no fun, stressful. It gets super annoying when people give me shit about my illness because it isn't well known, not even to doctors... 'oh you're lying' 'there is nothing up woth you' or just simply acting like you want to be in my life but you don't look it up. So when i am too drained to bother replying or make convo they have a go, or I cam't get out because the energy is super bad.
  If you are to be in my life, read up on my illness. Be patient. Fucking understand or fuck off.

  Thanks for reading. If you really did. Jumbled thoughts...

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