Wednesday, 21 June 2017

So fucking stressed!

  So.
I'm stressed out, as the title states... and I mean it. Which is not good for my illness at all. Why me? Why do I always have to have the bad shitty luck?! Why is there no happiness? Why is there no relief for me? There just isn't. At all. And it hurts me. I'm sure that some force out there actyually wants me to kill myself, to die. I'll be honest that I've prayed, angels, god, and I have asked for help. Any help. But it seems it isn't supposed to be. I'm not allowed anything good and it pisses me off... why me? Why fucking me?
  I'm going to struggle financially for a while me. And that sucks doesn't it. What if I ask for disability? PIP? My illness, it doesn't seem to be progressed enough I bet, I will struggle. I will have to just get a job. Push myself. Who the fuck cares that it'll probably kill me?! Clearly nobody. Clearly not me. Life, it doesn't seem to want me to live. Such a sad thought people would think... but it is totally true. What do I have to live for? Nothing. Nobody. I have nobody in my life, no mates (which has shown big lately without having Facebook). I have no family. Except my mum, I guess, even she won't want me soon with not being able to give her money... and guys, guys don't really want me. That is a true, brutal, unfair fact.
  I have had two real relationships, one emotionally abusive, both cheated, just totally fucked with my mind. What is love? I'll be doomed if I EVER let myself love again me. It won't happen anyway. Not with my shitty bad awful fucking luck. People always tell me to appreciate what you have... but I can't I only really have my mum. Yeah. I appreciate that, 100%. But it sucks. I feel so alone, so fucking lost, and my illness, fuck me, why me?
  I went for a walk today... my legs are burning me. Like they hurt so much. I think i walked too much... how am I meant to work? How am I meant to push myself? It's gonna be so fucking hard. But if my sales carry on the way they are? I'm going to have too... who cares anyway, I'll never eat as I never get hungry when I overdo myself... so yeah, won't get hungry, lose weight. Maybe that's a good sign. In fact it is. I'm a chunk me. And I hate it. But I like food.
  I'm sat here crying. Because I know if I push myself to work, I will more than likely push myself to the point of needing a wheelchair, and that sucks, in fact even know it feels like I'll be in a wheelchair, my legs. They burn. They hurt. And that's just from walking!
  My shin is hurting again, from when I got an infected, the wound healed but I read something online that you can still be infected under the skin? Maybe I am. Maybe that is the way i'll die. Fuck knows. All I know is that the world, life, it just wants me gone... every bad luck- I have it. Name it, I fuckong have it!
  The Findom stuff, the Clips stuff, I was doing well, but I'm stressed now, not having Facebook, no longer got my popularity online as much, I mean sure I have Twitter, sure I have Instagram... but it just was never the same as Facebook popularity.
  It pisses me off Facebook, every time I sign up, I get super popular... then they suddenly remove me. They didn't answer any of my appeals today. Stating they can't tell me why but I can't have my account back... fuck you Facebook! Basically more than likely stating I'm fake, and that I'm posting content that isn't mine... that is what they were stating. I just want my account back, it's totally unfair being removed for no real reason. Just like, WTF.
  I mean I have myself a few slaves who pay me regular, and gift me, but not always, not always much either, it's very up and down. Unless you're super popular, like I was on Facebook... with Twitter and Instagram, it isn't enough. It really isn't. I hope to get my account back with Facebook, I would love to be able take legal action against them or something because of them wrongly removing me. You know something else? I have had nobody to talk too... not many people have my number, I don't have their numbers either... what am i meant too? This is just the lowest of the low for me... I won't have any life till I am able to get my account back or rejoin. It's silly right? How people have no lives without Social Media... but it is totally fucking true. Not been speaking to many people, and it fucking sucks.
  It might be silly all my stressing but I don't know. I'm always stressed. Always. I'm always overthinking. I'm always crying... life hates me.
  Do you believe in past lives? I do. And I swear, i must have been someone really bad to get this amount of shit. I mean I have vented alot of my shit, but not everything... there are some things that are screaming to come out of me... but I just can't do it you know?! Bullshit. Life is bullshit. I don't know how I have stayed strong this long being alone and lonely as I am... but I have, I mean, I'm still fucking here when I don't want to be, and when the world clearly doesn't me to be either! I mean that statement is totally clear to me... why would I get so much shit dealt to me if not? I start thinking 'oh maybe this won't be so bad, maybe I'll be okay...' and then BOOM something happens, something happens that makes me not want to hope anymore.
  In fact. I don't hope anymore. I am a realist. Things won't happen, they won't. Where is my happy ending? It won't exist, aingle for life, no friends to support me, no family, and a shitty illness getting the best of me! And it is. It is getting the best of me.
  People don't understand my illness- nobody- not even me, I can be great then boom! No longer! Like I said... I went walking earlier and I am sat here writing this blog in tears, half beause I am so stressed, so upset at life being bullshit... and also because I'm in pain. So much pain. Normally the pain I can ignore, but not right now. My legs are burning, my arms a tiny bit too... but the worst part is 100% that shin pain from the cut that's healed on the outside but not on the inside...
  I could do with some luck me. I honestly fucking could. I want to be happy. I'm stopping my 'consumed by the past' well, trying to anyway... but its just now, everything still turns to shit, and I mwan everything. My CFS/ME, it's bullshit. I need to work, I want to work, but it limits me. But it seems the world really is against me you know. Not even joking. Get a good day, feel fine then it hits me that I'm not fine, my body is not normal, but I can't claim because it isn't severe enough. Maybe I should work, make it increase getting worse faster than steadily... maybe I'll get help... but then I won't have no reason to live. Who would want to live life stuck in bed because you're too weak to move, because you feel like you're being stabbed over and over and over. God, I'm crying again, and blah! My luck in life is non existant- it all just gets worse, I just get stressed out. I ask the universe, whatever for certain signs, and I sort of get them... but at the same time, I don't.
  I think I'm not meant to be here tbh. WHy would I? I supposedly bring nothing to this world, I wouldn't be missed, that is a super fact.

  I just want bad things stop happening. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being sad. I want something good for once. A reason to want to live. Not this impending doom on my mind daily. Waking up and every second wanting to due. I feel okay in dreams... mostly. Until I dream of the past, and all those that hurt me, and places I seemed a little happier... I want to be okay.

  Funny how this blog post stemmed from being super stressed out about Facebook wrongly removing me, and being upset and stressed at not beung able to get in touch with anyone or even like being able to set up a new account... then I start crying and everything on my mind pools out on to this blog... god, I need to start writing my book again.... soon, I think so. But I want Facebook back me. Honestly so lost. Sad, sad world we're in to be completely utterly lost with a stupid website that keeps removing me everytime I am popular because some jealous cunt or rejected nobody reported me. Fuck sake. Angry now. Again.
  I hope my clips sales and my Findom side picks up again... just so hard amount of timewasters who get in touch with no intention of paying... and the amount of Dommes around nowadays. I get abit, but I will admit, it's a hard game when you don't have like 10k+ followers on Twitter. I have just over 3k and it was hard to even get that amount!

  I don't know what else to do. As far as I'm concerned someone or something in this universe wants me to die as much as I myself want to be gone... I have given up hope, but there seems to be a tiny sliver of hope. I don't jnow why. But there is. But I have the feeling... if someone, something, anything hurts me too much again, I believe I will not be here any longer. My life is not worth living. Not when I have nobody. Not when I have nothing. Not when I have an illness that limits my life and does not allow me to live, to work, how would I survive without money? I wouldn't.
  Random thought... how ugly are freckles. I hate them me. Trying to rid them with whitening cream, oh and avoiding the sun, not like I have nowhere to go or anyone to see anyway do I! Blah shin is aching like crazy... can't take no pills though, I'll be accidently addicted yet again, and fuck me that is a killer! Had a migraine yesterday, brutal, but kinda lost it anf kinda still took me till 1am to bloody sleep. Sleep is another thing, insomnia is a symptom and I have that crazy. Add my stress, so much worse for me!
  I envy people. I'm jealous of people. People who are happy, healthy... you just don't know how fuckong good you have it. I always get told 'it'll get better...' when? It does not seem it. It just really gets worse. Every second I am awake, my mind is in overdrive, my body hurts, just so much.
  I want a drama free life. I want a happy life. i want Social Media and not being bloody removed because of jealousy or/and rejection. I want friends, real friends, I want a guy who wants me, and money.
  So much I'm asking. So much that won't happen... because as the saying goes 'the world is against me'. And truthfully? I think it is. Like I said. It keeps trying to push me towards the end... but I'm fighting, I'm fighting, but I don't know how much longer I can do that for. I want to be normal, normal in the mind, normal in the body... just normal. Normal and happy.

  Please can I have happiness for once and the things I ask for?!

  Oh and I really want Facebook back... I'm lost without it... truly. What else is there to do when you're sat around unable to do much?! Blah.

Fuck life. Fuck people. Fuck everything.

1 comment:

  1. Hello Abbyy,
    Really sad reading your posts about how ill you are...
    Did you read my comment a couple of posts back on a woman who was in a wheelchair with CFS and found a cure?
    Would be interested to hear you views in a future post.

    ReplyDelete