My blog is always so dark, I know this... but my mind is so dark and I have no outlet. I am destined for loneliness... well, when it comes to humans anyway. Animals? They're all I have tbh. That is a fact. I have 7 cats now. And I love them, but human contact, I do miss. There are only so many conversations you can have alone by yourself, to yourself. Or occasionally talking to my animals... it sucks how I am just clearly destined for single life, alone life, lonely life.
No mates. Not much family (just my mum and sisters, which I am grateful for but you kmow...), and obviously I have no guy. Every time I let a guy in, start opening up, start letting my guard down... they fuck off. I expect it now. I expect nothing less but a person to enter my life, then fucking leave... again. It sucks, but yeah, is what it is.
I don't know why, but this week seems to be harsh on my mind. I knew I should hve gone out Sunday night... that way I'd be too tired all week to even know I'm still living a shitty life. A lonely life. And my god. I really do feel i need to give up this fight. I mean why am I even fighting for? Nobody would miss me. Nobody would care. Nobody does care.
Why does everyone who hurt me get to be happy? And yet i am still so utterly broken, so utterly alone. Depression is hard work. Hard to cope. Hard to live with. If I wasn't scared to die, I would have just been gone already. But I am scared to die. I don't know. But it's the feeling of 'what if' what if I do give up and I miss out on something? Even though I know full well that i will not miss out etc. The what if of does life just end? Like no ghosts, afterlife, second live, heaven and hell, that kinda shit. Just nothingness?! It's scary. And I want something push me too far over that being scared is no longer an option, ugh...
Loneliness and being alone completely is quite hard. I miss being young, carefree, I actually had friends. Well, sort of. More than I had now. Now? I have nobody. No mates. Well, no real, true, genuine mates. And it sucks. Honest to god. People... have you ever felt so utterly and completely alone that you don't want to keep fughting anymore? Every second I am awake I struggle... physically and mentally... I just don't fucking know.
I thought that maybe things were takingna different direction lately, but now I'm sat here and it's just like why? Why did you ever hope Abby? Nothing ever changes, nothing. People are nasty, the world is evil. Expect nothing, don't expect change. Just live life. Day by day. And wait for that time yu get pushed too far that there is no going back. Because believe me, the way my life is, how unlucky I am. I don't think I will 'live a long life'. I can't cope with living when I am so alone.