Sunday, 2 July 2017

Rambling and Loneliness.

  I'm fair pissed off me. It's such a huge realisation that I have no true mates. They only bother if I am paying or it's something they want to do, or something that benefits them. And quite frankly? I am pissed right off. Sunday is the only day I can go out on the Weekend... and I was so looking forward to tonight but BOOM. As always. Let down with petty fake excuses and it's fucking annoyed me.
  Why are people no longer honest?! Just say in the first place THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MEET UP WITH ME. Instead of saying 'ywah i will' then making excuses and I find out they've gone out or done something with somebody else.
  Makes me feel so low, so little, so unworthy of a true and real friendship... and I hate it. Why can't I have genuine friends who aren't gonna pie me off to get their saggy vaginas a small dick. Mates before bros... but na it seems it's bros before mates in this case. Always. And it pisses me off. And people wonder why I give up on them. Why i won't reply no more. Why I don't meet them. BecUse you're useless horrible using cunts and I am just so fucking done.
  I guess it's kind of a hood thing me going out. Maybe. Just resting up. As I have realised just how much worse my illness is getting... my work? It's finally affecting my illness. I get home Saturday, I'm ill for abit, can't sleep, for ages! Then it passes and I sleep for hours, but I get a water infection etc... here's me thinking it was alcohol, it's just my own body making me more ill the more I do. And it fucking frustrates me bad. Everything does. I want to be normal. I want to be okay. For once I want happiness, I have never been truly happy. I would love to be rich... wouldn't care then. No stress.
  Still no Facebook me either. I want my account back me. It's showing me even more just how alone I am. I haven't speaken to anyone, not really, the only good thing about no Facebook is not knowing when I am being ignored... less drama too. But I miss it, I do. Yet Facebook has decided to ignore me appeals. Gonna give it another week, and then I'll make a new one. I hope anyway because it's pissing me off. A few times I have tried. Just to be kicked off right away... bullshit. I feel lost, nothing.
  My head is still fucked. If not more so. I don't wanna vent why, or how... I'm totally confused myself. I just wish life wasn't complicated and it didn't hate me so much, I mean it does... I totally have thee worst luck ever in life.
  I'm putting on weight too. I'm a right chunk. Fat. But like my body hates me and won't let me work out so much. Not even joking. My illness legit ruins my fucking life. I wanna train proper, train weights... but na it doesn't like me. What with it getting worse and all that. Every second. Getting worse. And I'm being unable to cope. But I am at the same time... I don't want to get worse. It's ahrd as it is. It makes me cry, emotional, I don't want to be here...'I just want to be normal, pain free, to be able to live without making myself so much more worse than usual... life... unfair... like I said!
  Work and my illness are suddenly not mixing so well.... I'm not even joking. Making me so ill, but I don't want to atop working. It's boring enough as it is only working part time. I miss full time work. I mean, I don't need to do either. But I want too, it's not so boring that way.
  The clips sales had a tiny bit of clipsales, and the Findom stuff. Someone random bought some stuff off my wishlist. Thanks! But more is always the way ;). Money buys my happiness and all that. Reading this? Want to send? Here are a few ways; - for clips of myself. - hot exclusive content that won't be found elsewhere. - to gift me
Amazon GC;
I won't say no ;). I love doing what I do... money and gifts make me feel a little happy. I mean why wouldn't it?! Ha. Ah well. I hope you send ;) :P.
  My dreaming... I hate it lately. It keeps reminding me of a certain someone who hurt me so bad and me wanting him back in my life. But i know it won't happen. He's had a baby now, 'in love'. He hates me. Just like everyone hates me. I don't have a heart anymore, too many people broke it. I can't let anyone else break me anymore. It does my head in. Well, it makes me crazy, a headfucked cunt. I don't know anymore. I miss being 14. I miss playing manhunt. I miss having friends, who actually came out to see me and enjoyed it. I am forever dreaming about those 'happier' times. I miss being a kid. 24 and my life is legit going nowhere. Ill forever, can'r work, no real mates, no guy, single forever, alone forever, just sat in a tiny room, day in, day out, working weekends, get out odd blue moon.... it's bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
  Money and cats are the only things to have me happy at this moment in time. My 'zest for life'... it's gone. Me bothering with people now? I'm done. Fed up of getting let down. Fed up of games. Fed up of getting played. All of it. Annoyed with everything.

  I try not to hate, get annoyed. But it can't be helped.
Life hates me, it doesn't want me to be happy. It doesn't want me to have anything but bad luck...

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