Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Mind won't let me sleep...

  I'm pissed off, like honestly. My head is fucked... Again. Like, why me? Why do I only get shit after shit, it won't get better, I thought it would, tried to believe others... but it just doesn't happen, no lie, it just does not fucking happen for me. Honestly do think I'm cursed, or something about a past life, or both, I just don't know. I aint no bad person, I try to be nice,even alot of the time after I've been hurt... but still, just does not fucking happen for me.
  It's like 12.30am, and I seem to be wide awake, which is another thing pissing me off, my illness is worse, so now my insomnia is too! Like legit been sleeping for two hours, awake for two, etc, etc till now... my illness drained me. And on top of that my allergies are worse too... and do you know  what I'm fucking allergic too?! Fucking cats, and I have 7... and life is gonna get better, honestly! Yet it's trying to take the ONLY thing that puts a smile on my fucking face... well, minus money, but missing that too... hold on though I'll get to that soon.
  People who have read my blog, sorry for being a downer, but fuck me, I try to live, I try to be okay, happy even and it fucks up every fucking second of the day. Something bad happens. My head is so fucked up. If you've not read my blog before now, start at the beginning... read them all, maybe you can understand me more than I understand myself...
  I'm sat here typing. I really want to sleep, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I don't want a repeat falling asleep all goddamn day ballache ey! My kitten Cudi is attacking my hands, adorable little shit he is. And yeah, he's named after Kid Cudi, if I have any more, next is Kanye! ha.
  Guys, guys, guys, why are you complete utter headfucks? Now I'm gonna pour my heart out here, normally keep my shit to myself dating wise, but I can't anymore. I need someone to talk too, but we all know I have no fucker to talk too, hence this blog, hence this fucking motherfucking blog. (I'm angry, can't you tell?! Potty mouth out hahaha!). So, yeah, basically been talking to someone for about 9 months now, didn't meet for like the first 6 but now we do every week (or try), but guess what? HE REFUSES TO BE WITH ME. Thinking ama hurt him... when it's me who gets hurt. But let's be serious, he's male, he wants hi cake, and extras, and that's totally what's happening. He texts plenty of other chicks... even when I'm fucking there! Like thinks I don't see him do it... I FUCKING DO PAL! You utter headfuck! Yet, whenever I mention a guy, he don't let it drop, constantly going on about him, and it's like... HOLD THE FUCK UP... YOU DON'T WANT ME!!! I know I should walk away, I want too, but it's fucking hard, I literally have nobody. No family, no real mates who give a shit if I'm alive or dead. He's good company, good in bed, just an utter headfuck... but oh well. I mean I am one too, to myself though... hahaha.
  Which brings me to this, why can't I fully get over my past loves? I'm constantly thinking of them both, they both can't stand me, both in love (I think), Both happy, both forgot me... and I'm here nearly 25, lost, alone, lonely, broken, headfucked... it's just so unfair. I want love, I want happiness, but everything is against me, I have nothing, nobody, noone to fight for, nothing to fight for... typing this blog crying my eyes out... life eh, hates me... have I said yet here... that's my fucking motto you know now 'life hates me'. Because it does.
  It makes me think I have to be horrible, a cheat, a sleaxe to find happiness and love, because those types are exactly the types who have that shit, how unfair (I repeat hahaha)!.
  My illness... my shitty illness... I try to live, get out, and I crash, bad... I just wanna live, work, travel, be normal, but yeah, life against me and all that. Why can't I have something good for once? I have NEVER had anything good. I fucking deserve it, after all this bullshit I've been through, some I can't bring myself to blog about yet... but I am getting there, the loneliness etc is eating me up, and this is my only way to let it the fuck out... Like I said, today has been so bad, asleep, awake, asleep, repeat... till now and the insomnia re-hits again, and its back in force, fuck you CFS/ME. You cunt. Can someone find a goddamn cure?!
  Time to vent about my other thing that currently is one of two to make me happy (cats 1st!), money... Yeah as always, I am still superficial, I wish I wasn't but when you grow up poor and stuff, and you get a little of taste of more... yeah, it makes me not want to go back to poor.. but since I can't work, I'm getting back there again. We all know I sell clips, I am a Findomme, well, I also joined Xtremeplaypen too... Trying to find more and more ways to earn. Since Facebook removed me it's been less and less money being made online, and it's fucking stressful since I can't really work more than two nights a week... and even then I have started to struggle with those nights, and I hate it, because I don't want to leave... but what if I have too?! I know from speaking to others it's hard to get disability with this shit illness... especially because I'm young. Yet they pay little bums who CAN WORK or chicks who pop out kids so they don't have to fucking work?! I say cut all wombs out after two babies, limit the children, get the fucking over populated Earth sorted out! I am a heartless cunt... I don't even want kids. I'm content with a lot of cats instead. Kids are annoying, and even more so these days, and the way the people are these days... constant bombings and massacres... what's the point anyway?! Anyhow... money is tight without Facebook, I mean I advertise advertise advertise on Twitter, Instagram and any other sites I can... but yeah, it's so hard. Not making alot. But I am putting money aside for the only thing I can just about manage... tattoos... once my leg is done I can save or whatever, but I dunno what for. I wanted to travel, but that is not gonna happen with the way my illness is lately, not unless I find someone to come with, but that won't bloody happen.
  Which brings me to the point... I really feel I have no friends.. I know I have no family, just my mum and sisters, but that is okay. It's the friends part, and the no guy and constantly being fucked around that gets me down... Like what is it gonna take to have a fucking mate who will do something non-alcohol related, and not expect me to pay?! I mean, I used to bribe people  to do things with my money... but because of the recent money problems, I can't do that no more, but... I still end up doing that, and then it's like fuck sake Abby, you needed that money! It;s such a lonely and alone world mine, which is why I have so many cats and want more.... but these allergies, if they continue getting worse, I just don't know... but if I'm honest I think I'd die for those kitties... I mean they are all I have. Literally, all I fucking have...
  What's a life when you sit here day in, day out fantasising on death, but too scared to die, but too scared to be forgotten... even though everyone leaves anyway and forgets you anyway. Like. I honestly just want to be numb, I hope when I up my pills again, they do that... being numb is easier, I just don't give a shit about anyone, like they don't with me, I don't care about being let down, I'm just numb, and I'm okay...

  God, it.s nearly 1am now, and I think I'm done venting for right now, not gonna go back sleep just yet... think ama take some cocodomol though, fucking heaven sent that stuff for my pain, but can't take anymore for a few days... why do they gotta be accidentally addictive?! Dunno what ama do for now, just waiting on a clip to upload on iwantclips then I'll take them and hopefully sleep... should set my alarm too ffs.. hopefully docs agree to up my dosage... it is needed right now!
  Be kind... buy clips, etc, onlyfans, iwantclips & xtremeplaypen... if you;re into findom, my details are everywhere, and if you wanna put a smile on my face and gift me,... totally find my wishlist! Alot is on there. Nobody been buying! :(.

  And yes... I advertise here too... got too! Thanks for reading, be sure to read past posts too... complicated headfucked mind of mine...
Goodnight. xxx

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