Thursday, 21 December 2017

All I’m able to do is sleep...

  My god... there is legit no relief for me, ever. Like all I have done for 36 hours is sleep... I’m not even joking right now. I’ve had my mum wake me ‘are you alive Abby’. Um yeah but I’m about to fall back sleep leave me be and straight back sleep I went. Nothing could keep me up... I’m awake now (11pm) but it won’t be long till I need to sleep again.
  It isn’t fair. It really isn’t fair. I just wanna be normal and live but I can’t. It drains me. Life fucking drains me. I just wanna be fucking normal. It’s frustrating... I make plans. I have to cancel because my body is drained and I can’t get out of bad because the pain is that bad... it’s unfair. Life is unfair to me. Like really fucking unfair.
  How will I ever meet someone the way I am? Simple answer.. I won’t. Not anymore. It’s a good fucking job I gave up hope. And if I continue to get worse. I swear I really will give up on life too... I see no point in my life. I can’t work. I can’t help the world. I can’t even donate blood or organs... like pointless life over here. I don’t even have anyone or anything worth fighting for either tbh. I’m not even shitting you.
  Friends don’t give a fuck... told them I was in hospital... not one asked how I am or why or what’s up. Family don’t give a fuck... my mum always goes on saying I’m lazy but I’m just so ill... I have no guy, and any guy I let in fuck me over and fuck me off and I’m back to being at square one... I can’t work, my clips selling and findom is slow as fuck right now.
  People always tell me off and say to me ‘be positive, shit will change’. But na. I tried that. I honestly tried to be positive. And what happened? I just got let down, I just didn’t end up happy or anything... nothing good ever happens to me it seems. Nothing. Nobody wants me. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. And the pain. The pain is brutal. Makes me unable to move. My arms are killing me right now. Just so achey. I’m so achey. All the time.
  I wish those that doubt me had this illness, they’d realise the struggle that I go through every second of the day. No relief at all. Well drinking gave me a little relief. But I can’t drink due to my stomach now being fucked up. How fun. How fun is life. Honestly.
  Seriously. What is the point? Honest to god. I don’t know anymore. I’m close. I’m very fucking close to giving up. My life isn’t worth living, it’s too hard.

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