I’ve not posted in a while again... just a little stressed and upset. I guess my pills aren’t working so good anymore. It looks like I’ll have to up the dose and hopefully that works. Who knows?
Ugh. Where to start? I don’t even know. My illness is, as always, stradily getting worse... sleepless days, and then sleeping for days... but I honestly haven’t a clue which is worse?! Being asleep for three days in a row... or not sleeping three days in a row... like I think I’ll miss something when I’m asleep... but when I’m awake... I’m reminded of that gut wrenching loneliness and being alone. Being ignored by so called friends. No attention off anyone I want it off. That sort of shit. My life is just a bore. And as always. Very much pointless and wanting to die all the fucking time because there is no reason to live anymore, is no reason for me to fucking fights. Yep. I’m emotional. Again. Stupid fucking head. I wanna chop my head off to stop the thoughts... hey if I was Jack from Torchwood, I could, and I would still be alive hahaha.
Cats.., they’re all I have tbh and I’m glad I have them at least, they’re super cute and mine are needy. Even though I still feel lonely and alone, I dunno cats bring a little relief to that. Even though I’m a little crazy because, well, I sit here talking to them more than i talk to fucking humans. I have 6 cats and my Bella just gave birth to another four. I really want them all, they’re too fcuking cute. Already have names for them!
I’m fed up of being there for everyone and they aint there for me. I honestly have nobody who gives a fuck about me! Friends claim that they do... but yet I message and I just get ignored. It fumes me. There is no need. You’re supposed to be my fucking friend. Not like they read this. They don’t give a fuck about me, never have. Never will. Giving in after my birthday to the bad thoughts is looking more and more likely. Like I said. No point in fighting anymore.
Guys... headfucked... both mix together. Guys just play games with my head... guys just can’t be fucked with me. Or I’m just headfucked, I overthink, I get jealous easy, I think bad of every male... though in the end, I end up right. So maybe I push males away. I dunno. I’m headfucked. All i know is being fucked around, fucked over, used, abused, cheated on... you get the fucking drift here right? Ah well. Not like any fucker actually wants me right now. I literally sit here talking to myself. Talking to the cats. That’s it. Lost in books, tv shows, films, where romance only exists and happy endings, drama free lives etc. I dunno what I’m thinking. Or trying to say anymore. Right now. I dunno. I’m just fucked up. I want someone to want me, only me, I want someone genuine, I want someone to give me attention, not ignore me, not like other chicks photos. I want the best. I deserve the best... surely I deserve someone after all the bullshit I’ve been through and got through? I’m sat here with tears in my eyes. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this emotional. I’m just fed up of being on my own, only being used for sex, spoken for sex, everything like that. Like what happened to romance? Why can’t people have conversations without trying to instigate sex?! I get sex is a big part of every day life, I myself have a high sex drive, to the point of sex dreams etc, but I don’t let that control me. I’m alright. I can handle it etc.
Let me try and explain the pushing people away part. I say try because I don’t get it myself. I try not too. I literally really would love to be with someone. But I’m so scared. The two relationships I’ve ever had... both guys 100% cheated. No matter what they say. They never loved me either. Moving on after a week, it proves that. It took me months to move on. And I still am single after 3 years and 3 months after my last relationship... while everybody jumps from person to person. I just want someone real. But I’m so scared of it all repeating again. Every guy has fucked me over. Every. Fucking. Guy. I don’t know what a decent guy is. I don’t even know how to be treated well or anything like that. I just expect nasitness and being played, so i think, well, I just know I push people away that way... but like if you can be active but ignore me, like other chicks photos etc, then why can’t I think you’re doing wrong and hitting on them too? I know I’m not bad looking or my photos etc wouldn’t sell, but I feel like the lowest of the low and so unattractive at this always being rejected and hurt malarky. I just am so done with games... but it seems everyone else still wants to play games. Just give me someone decent please? Someone who looks at me, only talks to me, well in the romantic sense, doens’t like chicks photos within the same area, so as then I think they’re gonna fuck them too, someone who doesn’t think with their little cocks and can hold a conversation, maybe someone who doesn’t even have snapchat... social media is bad enough these days, sleazechat is even worse. I just want to be someone’s only. Honest to god. I’m fed up with competing and fighting against other girls. Why am I not fucking good enough for anybody?
Right next update... Findom and clips sales, yet again is bullshit. No sales for a few days and as always timewasters when it comes to Findom ha. I wish I could work so I don’t have to have timewasters no more hahaha but no I can only manage part time thanks to being ill... someone find a fucking cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome please? Or at least something that fucking helps. Instead of an endless circle of nothing! Ha. Just hope Findom and Sales gets better soon i suppose...’into that? Then get to it hahaha.
My mind’s gone blank now. I guess my venting because I have no fucked to rely on or talk to is over... ugh. Goodbye.