Sunday, 25 March 2018

3 years, 5 months and counting...

  So the title, that’s how long I’ve been single for now. It’s also how long I worked at Bentleys for! A distraction turned into working at a great bloody place! Haha. So guys. People keep telling me I will find someone. I’m only almsot 25 (one week today woop woop!). And I just have honestly no hope for myself. I don’t talk to anyone, not really. Nobody I want wants me!
  Everyone tells me stop being picky or whatever, but I’m sorry but I just can’t. Attraction is a big thing for me. And sometimes. I aint even attracted to looks, but personality, and even those types fuck me over. It’s really fucking unfair if I’m honest how much I get fucked around.
  I really wouldn’t mind, but the cunts who don’t deserve it... get it all. Take that whole thing with Max Hewitt last year. He’s sleeping with me. Meeting and kissing his exes promising them and me that him and Lauren are splitting... next thing? They’re fucking married. She’s a giant mug if you ask me. I’ve had people telling me that he messaged them on his fucking wedding day, saying he wants see them. ON HIS FUCKING WEDDING DAY. Yet he has it all. A wife, who is beautiful, but still a little bit of a mug for even bothering with that nob (he has cheated on everyone he’s been with, we used to be so close. I sae it all the time)! He’s healthy, not like me with a fucked up body and being so ill. He has been able to move out, he can work, he’s happy and settled when he does not deserve it.
  There are so many like this though. Happy but undeserving. Then you get people like me who do deaserve it, but we just get the bullshit! I swear. I must be cursed. It isn’t fucking fair. Life hates me so much, I don’t know. It’s simply an annoyance.
  I wouldn’t mind about being lonely, alone, single for life, if it wasn’t for being ill and sometimes being unable to do so much. Like, honestly. I really miss working full time. But my illness has started to affect me weekends, that’s two nights a week... can you imagine 7 days a week? Like I used too? Na. I can being even worse and probably house bound... well. I kind of am housebound already... blah.
  Like. I said. Life. Hates. Me. Atm though the pills seem to be working... I’m kind of numb again. Shit aint bothering me. But probably next week I’m back ti crying daily... which really fucking suchs tbh. I just don’t wanna feel. It’s the best thing ever. I finally got another xbox, too bad I’ve been way too ill to game ha.
  I can’t believe I’m almost 25 and I have nothing and nobody to live for, an dmy life is a complete mess. I bought my birthday gifts though! Since you know. I actually don’t get any gifts anymore. And like I said, FINDOM IS SHIT. So nobody else is buying. My mum doesn’t really buy, I don’t expect friends too. I miss being young and an only child. Used to get loads. Now I just get a cup and a pat on the back. It sucks getting older. Especially when you can’t even fucking live much.
  I have to stop drinking completely and I actually need to scan my stomach. I went out Thursday, and I was fine till saturday, then boom my stomach was killing me all day and night to the point of not sleeping, and I was leaning forward, hurting my back, very uncomfortable, but the only position that helped me and made me feel okay, at one point I was sat on the toilet for two hours, not doig anything, I just found myself a great relaxed position where I was pain free. But went to move and my back was actually stuck for a minute. Bloody awful. I’m kind of better, but I can still feel it burning at the same time. Ouch. On top of my CFS, I really didn’t need that! I don’t need it ha.
  I just really have the worst luck. All I know is I’m thankful for my kitties, even though i’m allergic asf and that probably makes me worse. And the fact my sales are doing alright. Findom is still pretty shitty, but tbh it’s been ruined with all the guys and gals and fakes etc. Ballache, but so fucking true. I’m also thankful I have a few good mates behind me atm. I am hoping they don’t leave though. Since everyone seems too. It breaks my heart every time. I’m an ace person. Be my friend hahaha.
  Okay, so. Signing off. Need to try and get some sleep again. Insomnia sucks. My head also hurts bad tonight. But that may be from cocodomol addiction on accident ha. Ballache, like i always say. I just want to be happy and healthy, not single forever. Life doesn’t want that for me. It wants me unhappy, broken and single for life...

Life hates me.

No comments:

Post a Comment