Sunday, 9 December 2018

Bad Luck then Worse Luck, but never Good Luck...

  Been a while since I’ve posted. Like 4 months. Wow. I’m lay in bed right now with one of my cats on my chest. I’ve spent the day crying. To be honest I think I spend my whole life fucking crying. It’s wank. Seriously.
  You know when people say to think positive. Well guess what. I have a secret, it doesn’t actually work. I aint a total religious person, but I always call out to the higher beings, and lately I said to give me a sign, if my cat Kanye comes home then that is a sign that I will not kill myself on my Birthday (yes I had it planned. Well sort of. I knew which day, which date, just details to figure out). So yeah I asked this. And guess what. He came home. So here’s me thinking YES this 2019 is going to be my year. I’m finally gonna get what I deserve. Love, happiness, fun, support, money, cats, being okay... and then BOOM. Today I go the vets. Well yesterday now. As Kanye wesn’t himself. Turns out he has a collapsed lung. Needs an operation. Gonna be at least £600 for the op itself. Then another £260 on top for pain meds, xrays, scans, etc. But I just haven’t got that. My cats are my babies. My cats are the reason I kept fighting for so long. But this to me just shows me how much life hates me and just how much it loves to torture me... I mean giving me the sign to live... just to fucking torture me with more bad stuff in my life?! I just can’t. My poor furbaby is in pain, and I’m trying to raise money to help him- it’s Christmas and looks like it’s gonna be another depressing sad one, especially if I have to put my baby down! Blah. It’s unfair.
  I’m trying so hard you know to be happy, positive. Well I was. Now Imm back to hating life. It’s unfair. I know I have a lot of cats. But doesn’t make it any easier, I’m still reeling from Patch and Tigger dying. I’m still hurting from Daisy and Lucifer going missing and more than likely never coming home. Kanye though he came home. And I was happy. Till this. I either got to pit him down or I have to let him suffer. It’s so unfair.
  What else have I to update you on?? Hm. I’ve dated a couple guys, both turned into cunts. I mean the last one I fell for super badly. Like so intensely. More than my last shitty ex. He was great at the beginning, but then it was like... he admitted to hiding his phone from me as he messaged other girls, wanted to be with me but wanted to keep me a secret, sly comments about other women etc, ignored me, just shit like that. But the good side made me fall hard. I want romance i want neediness, and he was AT FIRST. I really believe I won’t find anyone. Heck that’s a given since my Birthday is in a few bloody months lets be real. I let guys in they fuck me over. Yeah i get my downfall is being too shallow. But the saying goes, ‘you can’t fuck personality’ and that’s true. Unless ofc you’re drunk asf. We’ve all been there. Well unless you’re a male, ‘any hole is a goal’. I tried to go for people I wasn’t attracted too anf it just never worked. Again all those people who fu ke dme over are all happy as larry and I’m sat here day in day out, spending 95% of my time in bed and 90% of it crying.
  Don’t worry I don’t always hate life. I mean I do appreciate that atm (till i pay the vets) that I can manage to eat (won’t be able too soon cats come first!), I’m thankful for the only people who give a shit friends wise. Two of thwm. They know who they are— pub quizzzz ha. All the others seem to blank me and ignore me. Don’t give a shit. But hey. I won’t then!
  Work (now if you’re seeing this bossman- which I doubt sorry hahaha). Basically I’m so under-appreciated. I only work part time but I sure as hell pull my weight and make sure everythings good. I mean I been at the bar 4 years! My online stuff? Kinda shitty. I’m hoping it’s just coz of Christmas. I could use money ha.
Facebook groups join Teddy Vibers and Bootylicious. Fuck the real Lamp Lovers going commercialised anf ignoring me hahaha.
Oh and illnesses suck again lately. Can’t sleep at night. So much pain. Just all the usual illness bullshit since I have 5! Tight tight tight. Just want something bloody happy and good!

Anyway. I’m sat here falling asleep. If you wanna help me ?
Please donate and join in my funds for Kanye. I’m actually begging you. I need my baby home.

Anyway. Goodnight.
I just wanna be happt. But clearly. That won’t be then cast...

Thursday, 23 August 2018

I want something more...

  I tell you. As I have many times. Life is no fun for me. My illnesses limit my life so i can’t work. I want to work. I want to work and save. And I want to travel the world. Especially America. I want to fall in love, and actually be loved back. Not just be the only one who loved. I want to forget and move on from the past which so consumes me. I want to be happy.
  But. My life is still going nowhere. My illnesses get worse evey day, every second. And I’m breaking my own heart i want to work out again and not striuggle. I want so much more, but it’s impossible. I can’t even get my own house. Which everyone wants me to leave. And people wonder why I want to die.
  I’m not wanted. Not in my own home. I have no real friends. My family want me gone. I only have my cats. I mean my mum is sorta there. But the whole... trying to get me move out all the time isn’t nice.
  I’m crying as I write this. I just feel so completely and utterly lost. I’m not sleeping. I’m barely eating. I’m so fucking down.

  I want more from life, but life hates me and I get all the bullshit. Why can’t I be rich? I’d be able to travel then won’t I?

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Consumed by the past...

  It can’t just be me who seems to be consumed by the past. Those moments when I was carefree when I thought I was happy etc and wanting to go back there, dreaming of people from back then and wishing they were still in my life?! Probably is. I know I shouldn’t think of it. But I do. Like, not even joking if I could be back in the past I would be. And do it different and try keep those people in my life. Fuck knows why since they’re cunts but I’d try.
  I dreamt about one of them last night, it’s a reaccuring dream every so often. I’ll be walking and finding him, but I won’t ever find him, but I visit this place we’ve both been before and leave a note for him, it’s weird because this place in the dream we’ve ‘visited’ in my dream was only ever in my dreams too. I dunno me.
I crave to be empty of emotion, I hate thinking, over thinking, giving a shit. I would love not too and to just go throigh life never feeling any attachment again. I wish i’d never loved, experienced it, because I always try and look for it, even though nobody has ever loved me. Blah.
  Kind of don’t know what else to say. I’m still exhausted and I’m just fed up... my heads not right again lately. I wish it would go away.

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

Bad Thoughts. Mad Thoughts.

I am legit here trying to drain my Goddamn phone. I have no fucking need for it. So here I am venting again. Since my blog is the only thing I can trust and vent on... I think I dunno it helps me a little. And so is Kanye & Cudi on repeat, ha. Ofc.
  Life would be so much easier if it woulf give me a fucking break and stop hating me. I’m not even joking. But it does. And all I get is bullshit. Over and over. Over and over. I think for a moment that something great is gonna happen, I’m FINALLY gonna get a break, but does it happen? Does it fuck. It’s so unfair.
  People always tell me think positive or whatever, but what you don’t realise... I’ve tried that, I’ve done that... and guess what? I got crushed even more. Fuck me life hates me too much and it’s pissing me off. It’s about high time I did get something good. It’s shit!
  Do you know what goes through my head at least once a day? Of dying. Because, fuck me, it’d be better, better for me not being here, better for my mum no longer being a burden, better for everyone considering they all hate me anyway because you can’t be in underwear and opinionated. I literally fantasise so much about it. But I don’t know what to do other than giving into those words and thoughts and giving everyone what they want... and I tell you now, it’s close. I wouldn’t be missed. All the online trolls be claiming they’ll miss me or whatever. Where are you now? Talking shit about me.
  I keep being told to love myself. And the fact is. I do. I wouldn’t post what I do. I mean I have my moments. And I’d still change stuff but. I’m not rich so i can’t can I? Hm. So I’ve accepted and love myself like Kanye loves Kanye haaa! But yeah I keep getting told that to find someone. And I’d be so open to let someone in, but every male I ever encounter, that I ever talk too, that I start to let in? They completely fuck me over and hurt me... like I don’t deserve this shit. I don’t. I have love to give, loyalty, whu don’t I deserve anyone? It’s unfair and just life continuing to show me how much it hates me.

  I’m fed up of the sadness. Fed up of my heart hurting. I’m fed up of crying.

I want to be gone. Or I want life to quit giving me bullshit and give me something be happy for... I want to be emotionless and thinking of ways to die...

I’m done. Night.

Fuckboys List ;)

  i don’t even care. Here’s a list of fuckboys. Why I hate the fuckers why I detest them. Why I will never trust a male unless they prove themselves...

Darren Fjoder
Simon Block (this one and the one above live with each other so makes sense!)
Jake Wilkinson (my ‘lovely’ ex)
Sean Aspinall
Eddie Leck
Max Hewitt (cheating bastard gets everything though!)
Kevin Scott
Peter Burgess
Milo Pendlebury
Curt Jolley
Chris Cannon
Danny T
Danny Murray
Joe Goldie
Will Clarke
Paul Jones
Joe Langman
Jonny B
Aaron R
Jake S
Jake Griffiths
Matty P
Liam W
Ben L
Jamie Dierdan
Nigel T
Shaun H
Dave L
Lewis Waryck
Craig Ginty!
Mike A
Mile W
Jake S
Aaron Langmead
Sean C
Jordan Powell
Owen Lewis
Sean Allsop
Sam Armstrong
Jacob Kehoe
Simon H
Jordan ???
Ben Ashford
Keiren S

Ahhh just so many. And I haven’t even had sex with a lot of them. Connections meant fuck all to them. I gotta stop bothering. Honestly. They are all the same. Every male. (And the ones sort of hidden... they’ll know!).
But yeah. Fuckboy list for you!! There’s even more guys than this that have fucked me over throughot through my life. As it is any guy I have ever dated, etc. Like I said I haven’t slept with everyone (wtf you take me for). But spoke to some for months and got fucked around. Just does my head in how males are so fucking horrible.

Monday, 9 July 2018

Men, males... er, BOYS!

  Okay. We all know how I feel about the male population. And I have every fucking right too, I don’t know a decent fucking male. I mean. Yeah as friends, I don’t even talk to ‘family’ members to say them either, so just as friends. They’re decent. But anything more or less, really not.
  What do I mean by less? Well, everyone has their type. What they want to go for, and those who I kindly tell that they are not my type, they start to cry slag, slut, you know the usual stuff. But there is no need for that. I can’t help what i am attracted, jjst like you who are reading this, what you think about your type too! And yes you claim muscle men are all cunts. Most are BUT I DO NOT ALWAYS GO FOR THEM. I mean my first ex is skinny. Ha.
  What do I mean by more? WELL. I see a guy, date them, talk daily, but it never fucking lasts and I always get fucked over badly and hurt. And it just isn’t fair. I deserve someone just as much as the next person, but it also seems that I don’t. And I just get fucked over.
  I don’t even know what a decent relationship is, I don’t know what a decent male is, I don’t even know what it is like to be loved!! I mean, I’ve been in love but never loved back. It isn’t a nice feeling. Like bad enough I aint good enough for someone. But not even good enough to be loved either. I mean, ywah, makes sense but it sucks. Both my exes moved on after a week proving my point. They BOTH treated me like shit, and cheated. My first ex, he fully broke me. And I was already fucking broken.

  It just sucks, I mean why am i not good enough? Also, why the fuck does life hate me?! Why do I say that? Because it fucking does. I mean, cmon... got about 4 illnesses. Probably more. Worst luck in the world. Everyone leaves. Everyone takes me for a mug. Everyone treats me like shit. Like I said males fuck me over. I don’t know what a decent fucking male is.

  I just wish, that someone would fucking get a grip and just be true and honest. That they’d all stop being game players and cheats. It isn’t fair on us who do kind of want something real.

  At this rate, I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even think I ever want to be with anyone. Not like anyone wants me. But company and sex wouldn’t go amiss. I mean. I don’t even get sex. But my sex drive is fucking ridiculous.

    Loneliness, being alone. All consuming. Making me be so fucked up... I don’t know why I still fight, what is the point? Nobody, nothing to fight for. Quite sadly...

  Check out my previous posts. Find out just how much males fucked up. Fucked me over. Why I’m so fucking crazy and would love to go on a fucking murder spree!
Read ‘The Truth’ especially. Simple.

  I tell ya. I’m giving myself till after my birthday... think of that what you will. But I’m done. :)!

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

I just don’t know...

  Hey there guys, I haven’t blogged in a while so thought I would! For those of you have my Social Media (minus Instagram since the retards removed me after being hacked and won’t help me!), you will know that I’ve been in a bad place. Like honest to god I don’t know what to do to get out of it. The stress is making my illness go through all sorts of bullshit and worse. I’m again sleeping all the time then waking for a couple hours. Like I am awake now. But I can’t seem to sleep. My head hurts bad. Well tbh everything hurts. My pain is so much worse as well!
  I just don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m 25 with fuck all going for me and that big reason is due to being ill, with a Chronic Illness that is bullshit. Honestly they need to help with that but no, they want to focus on stuff they already know how to help, so we struggle. The worst part is not being able to work much. I would be able to feel so much better mentally. But my body won’t cope. It struggles as it is with part time work!
  Lately, I’ve been so nostalgic. I miss being younger. Care free, well more care free as I’ve always been fucked up. But yeah, yet again, my dreams lead me to dream of past people and places. Sean Aspinall, Max Hewitt, Eddie Leck, Jake Wilkinson, all those that hurt me, but got away with it. Forgot I existed. There’s more than those, but these are the most I’ve been affected by. Not like they will ever see it, not like they give a fuck. They’re all happy as fuck when they don’t deserve to be. I mean Max is a cheat. Yet he got married. Edfie, fuck knows where he is but as always, got with someone. Forgot I exist. Hake, my ex of nearly two years, I dunno kinda miss him, but he hurt me too. And Sean, lovely Figo who was my best mate for years, used me when I was emotionally down when I split, then disappeared and forgot I existed, like i never mattered. I’m not even joking. He just started to ignore me, he doesn’t deserve his happiness too. They all broke my heart in some way. Oh yeah, Kevin Scott too, he also fucked me up. He knows how, I know how, but I’m not ready to mention to everyone. If I ever do ha.
  Not just people I’m nostalgic for... places too. When I was younger and the street I lived on used to organise trips to Camelot & Southport (other places too but these are the most obvious!). But my god. Camelot has been shut down for years, went there the most, going down that blue slide so you didn’t have to walk down the hill even though you had to walk back up. Having a packed lunvh and eating it while watching them shows with King Arthur. Running around at the end of the day in the big play area, chasing the boys I fancied and them chasing me... same with southport really. That spinning wheel, that I found out is never anywhere else, the one in the funhouse. Like the only one ever. Like how mad is that?! I’ve been on that! I’ve even won once. But Southport is still open, just nothing is the same anymore. Oo that Caterpiller ride which goes in a circle and gets covered... where you grab the person you crush on to kiss under it... supposedly only two of them left in the world now... in America.
  Like, shit. I really do miss being a kid! Manhunt, knock a door run, just being kids, not much worrying. I just wanna turn back time. Not the school part, hated that part. Kids are still bullies. Especially in school. I legit was hullied, had noone to hang with really. I’d go back to College though, my media course. I’d replay that. Especially with my sexy tutor ha. He was a babe. I saw him once a couple years back, but never since then. He tried to take me home... after admitting he ahd a bloody girlfriend haha! I wish I knew where he was now (if he is single like). Ha. Legit probably still fancy him.
  I miss stuff like scoobies, to the point I actually have some that I bought not so long ago, fun to do those things. Probably should do more, maybe distract myself? Hm. Maybe I’ll try them! I miss so much. I hate being who i am now. Fucked up worse, can’t let anyone in, people I let in fuck me up even more etc, endless cycle.
  This dark place I’m in, it’s awful. Like I sit here day in, day out. And I think ‘would anyone miss me?’ ‘Nobody would miss me’ ‘how should I end myself?’ Stuff like that, thoughts like that. And it just doesn’t go because I think life is shit and better off without me. But at the same time, I’m fucking scared and that is the only reason I’m still here.
  Scared of what? You’re probably askin, and if not. I’ll tell you anyway! I am scared to die. I mean one minute you’re here, the next... gone. Just a body. What happens to your soul? Probably nothing. I mean, if anything I believe in reincarnation, but you don’t remember yourself. I wish you could though. Make a new life and body and remember yourself so you can do things different or be stronger, whatever. My mind can be weird sometimes with my thoughts.
  My mates... I know you’re there. But I dunno. Most of you I felt hate me and can’t be fucked either. Only one is willing to come see me. I cried for help guys, I don’t want to go out... so you should just turn up at my door, take my phone off me and keep me company for abit, that’d help ha. So if you’re reading this... do that!!
  Guys... can you stop fucking me over? I mean, cmon. Surely one of you out there is decent? I swear I’ve given up but there is always part of me hoping to find someone. I mean, cmon. I do deserve someone after everything. I deserve to finally be loved, and not just be the one who loves... bullshit. I’m not even joking. I can see I have never been loved. That hurts you know? I give guys chances and every one of them fucks me over. Nobody is honest anymore. Or real. Every guy plays games. Evey guys wants more than one chick... like shit, can someone honestly make me a robot or something???
  Also, why can’t I be rich? This hardly working thing is a ballache. I mean I know I do clips and Findom. But I haven’t really had anything for about 6 months now and clip sales? They’re slow. Or non existant. I mean cmon. Why do you hate me life? Money is needed to live a little. But yeah, being skint is no good... honestly.
  Cats, as always, they’re great, cute little fuckers. But they’re always ill, which brings me to needing money for them, of course I aint gonna get them insured it’s like £100 a month for one cat alone... I have 10 of the fuckers. So god knows. Right now my kittens are hyper. Actig like kangaroos, I haven’t slept all night, and it looks like I may be up a little longer! Ffs. I have to be up tomorrow. Well I do and don’t. I got hungry so ordered myself food for like 12.45 (dunno why!) and then there’s some things I wanna do like taking new content for the sites I use! I mean, this illness is fucked. Always tired but we go through moments when we can’t sleep, especially at night. So many symptoms and I experience most and gradually getting worse and worse. Ugh!!!
  Here- advertisements for online shit-
Amazon Gc;
 I mean gotta advertise riht?! If you wanna de streess or cheer me up a little, then you know what to do.
  Anyhow. Another long blog post, and I’m gonna try and sleep. If my kittens let me. I just hope I stop being in a dark place. I’m fed up of crying to myself all the time and thinking of ways to end it. Dark mind. I just wanna be happy. And find someone. And be illness free. And be happy. And be money stress free. And my cats are good. And happy.

  I just want to be happy.

Thanks for reading.