People always say to me 'you can't be lonely, you're hot'. But the reality is? I actually really am lonely. I'm also alone. I have no fucker who is fully there for me. Sure I have mates etc. But they are never there for me in my dark moments... they also always know I'm in a dark place by my Facebook statuses, they acknowledge them, like them etc, but still not one drop me a message asking if I'm okay. Asking to get me out the house in my own mind...
People forget me. That's a fact. Those close to me anyway or should I say were close?! It also is a sucky feeling of loving and never being loved. I don't think anyone has ever loved me, not really. Which just sucks even fucking more.
People are all getting on with there lives. Getting married, kids, etc. Me? I'm 24, only able to work part time because I have a wank illness that is utter bullshit and makes me unable to work. I'm single. And probably will be forever. No kids. But I don't want kids, my cats are my kids. I hate kids.
So many people take shit for granted. Then try and moan to me that they have a shit life when they have everythhing that is to be expected, and more! Not me though, I've always felt lost.
Guys continue to fuck me over. And that hurts even more. Why play games? Why bother coming in to my life to fucking hurt me when there is no need too. Hurt somebody else. I'm getting close to end of my fighting. I can feel that. I don't know happiness. But I get a glimpse for it to be taken away from before it's even started. It isn't fucking fair.
The only things that make even a touch happy are my loving cats and money. I don't care. I'll admit it. I am superficial. Money buys my happiness! But in the Findom world I'm getting nothing really right now... you can tell it's January. Or maybe just I'm going through a dry patch. I hope it picks up, I hope the clips start to sell again. Why? Because money just simply makes me happy.
People tell me to think positive, but I can't do that. I know what people are like. I get fucked over by everyone. I also am fed up of my illness making me forever tired, forever sore, and the more I do the more symptoms I get. I used to fight my sleep etc, but now I don't.
I'm fed up of having nothing to live for. Thinking to myself daily I'd be better off dead. Realising I have noone, that noone would really care, they'd just pretend they did for the likes. I want to be happy. I want to be okay. I want to stop fighting myself. I just want to sleep forever and live in the good dreams were I am happy and all my wishes come true. Quite simple, but just wishful dreaming.
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