My doctors suck, that is true. They constantly get rid of the women ones all the goddamn time! I find a good one and boom they go. I've been kinda numb, but just now, boom, my mood is back down. I'm so lost. So alone. And life isn't fair.
All those people who have fucked me over, but they don't have unhappiness. They all seem to be happy, loved up, perfect lives etc! They really do not deserve it! I hope some of you fucktards are reading this, I hope you feel guilt for treating me badly, I hope it eats you up so everything begins to fuck up for you too. Don't even care anymore.
I've been through way to much bullshit to even care about anything anymore. Honestly. I have a lot of hate still, I tried to let it go but I'm constantly faced with other peoples happiness, while I never get happiness, never smile truthfully, just sadness, and tears over here. But it's always been the case, and it will never chance. Other people are too fucking horrible. Creatures!
In a perfect world I'll be somewhere else, not in this horrible area which breeds cunts, I dunno why people are so horrible, abusive, incosiderate but they are. Also fake 'gossip' gets round before you've even walked a step, its a joke.
I'm 24 soon, and I'm still at a loss.
On another note, the 'Financial Domination' side of things have improved though! At last. Sort of. Still just mini payments here and there but it'll be going to my ink days and my Birthday... only things I look forward too. Honestly don't think I'd be around after this year if things don't get better.
People always drone on saying only I can help myself, blah blah fucking blah. That clearly isn't the case... I have fucking tried. I've tried be positive, hopeful, but forever just being fucked over, so why should I keep trying? No. I'm a realist. I've accepted I won't ever find anyone, won't ever be happy, maybe not even be here much longer, sad, but very, very true.
To make things even worse right now my illness is getting worse... I have always had the muscle pain, tiredness, etc, but now more and more symptoms are happening... like my joint pin is now increasing, bearable like the muscle pain, well almost. My hip pain is extremely bad! I'm stressed about my birthday, stressed at my illness being worse, which in turns makes me even worse, how unfair and shit does life want to be... really?!
I'm still lonely. I'm still alone. I don't think that will ever change anyway.
I really hate myself for feeling shit all the time. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Life fucking sucks, and I don't want to be here.