So it's been a couple days... but I finally am mentally numb again. I hate hate hate it when the depression side crashes. It's awful. But it's just what it is. It's just another illness that I have to live with. Another illness that won't just go. As much as people like to think that. Depression. It's fucking brutal. I woudln't wish it on anyone. Not really. To sit there day in day out and hating myself, hating life, and struggling to genuinely unable to cope with my CFS/ME.
I know that I am lucky in the fact that my illness is currently only mild... and that I am only able to work weekends. But it's more than some people with my condition can do. And I know one day if my illness continues to go the way it does... then I will not be allowed to work no more at all. Not even those two nights. And that completely scares the shit out of me.
Me working part time is a little bit of relief for all my mental bullshit... I mean I'm finally out of the house after having 5 days stuck in my room, stuck in bed. I'm also thankful that I am able to work out. Even if it isn't always every day, all the time, like I wish I could... I know if I pushed myself more though, I just know my illness would progress quite quickly. I mean, it is slowly going worse, I can feel it, like I go out for the day. And then the day after? I can't move so much. Feel hungover, so much pain, so much tiredness. God my illnesz, it's hard to describe to you all... especially if you haven't got it yourself. It's hard work. And as I always say I only have it mild.
To those who have CFS/ME and it's moderate or severe. My thoughts go out to you, like you are strong. In my own way i'm strong too... i'm still here. Even though deep down I don't want to be here. But I still am. I'm fighting my illnesses. I'm fighting myself. I'm trying to be strong. Just sometimes I'm not strong.
Today has been a really bad day CFS/ME wise. In it's own way. The pain is quite bad, I'm exhausted, but as always not sleeping at night because of the Insomnia, I didn't keep nothing in my stomach till about 5pm, which drained me even more. I took a nap. To feel a little better. But yeah... probably be up all night. My bones are aching which means my pain really is bad, because I normally just have muscle pain really. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my collarbones... on top of the constant pain. Oh and a migraine. I've been getting these more and more... always when I am trying to live! Fuck you illnesses. Seriously, fuck you!'
I seem to be taking more and more pain pills, whatever I can get my hands, always more than 2, because 2 never fucking work anymore. It's why I drink too. It's so fucking nice to feel pain free... then all of a sudden I'm worse because of thencomedown from the alcohol. Why isn't there a cure, no real help? Please can someone make this happen. Don'r think anyone understands the pain... my arms can ache and I have to lean my arms on stuff to be able to read, hold stuff, even doing my makeup I have to lean and/or lie down putting makeup on.
I'm fed up of getting let down and hurt me, like honestly. People think I don't give guys chances if they're not muscle men, but I do. I am picky as fuck though still regardless. Honestly, why are guys constantly acting like little fucking boys? I don't want to be single for life... but it's making it more and more fucking obvious that I will be single for life. A tough thought. An awful thought Which would be made easier... if I had friends, family, people getting me out, keeping me occupied.., but I don't not really. Fuck you people for being cunts hahaha.
One thing I ask myself all the time is... 'why the fuck am I not good enough'. Because it seems to be the case. I am also 100% a lucky charm. People meet me. But it never gets over the 1 month mark, before some cunt I'm seeing turns to me and says 'I've met someone else'. It proper hurts. Just when i'm starting to let someone in they turn to me and tear me to bits all over again. And I sit here and think why the fuck am i giving chances? I should just simply not anymore. And tbh I don't think i will... I don't think I can anymore haha.
At least I have cats hey. Seven now. My newest furbaby is a boy I think, Bella's and Blue's baby, and he is being called Cudi. If it turns out to be a girl then Rosie. I'm sure it's a boy though, utterly adorable. I can't wait for him to open his eyes. Happens soon. One little thing to look forward too ey.
I really need to start writing again me, I mean I've done so much of my book, why the fuck am I not finishing it, and doing the others I want to do?! I need to get them done. I mean, I have no life anyway so it'd fill up time won't it?!
Like... I honestly have no life. I beg anyone and everyone to come out. But nobody ever does. Unless it involves alcohol. So I do it because well, nothing else do. I don't work. So who cares if I'm worse for a week. Not like I'll be going anywhere, doing anything... I have nobody to see, nothing to do. It's shite. Super shite. Why am I in a place where there are no decent people?! There isn't any at all. I'm surround by dumb, selfish, jealous, dramatic people who constantly fucking spy on me... one good thing without Facebook that. Still want my account back. Fuck you Facebook! Even started a petition because I'm not the only person Facebook disabled then won't reply to the fucking appeals. Rats arses.
I have so many DVDs and books me... like I said though. No life. My life consists of reading, working weekends, rewatching tv shows, cuddling cats, having conversations with my cats and myself... my life is fucking lonely being completely alone. That point was random haha.
Thanks for reading. If you've read. Just a jumbled in the mind cunt.