The mind is complicated... but sure is the world. The one main thing that has kept me here is the big question 'what happens next? What happens after?' Is that just it then? You're gone and that's it? I'm a big believer in 'next lives, past lives'. But the part that gets me is you never remember the past life you had. I wish you did. So you already learnt some life help stuff etc. I dunno part of me just wants to remember. God knows why. My life sucks. And it always has! Full of cunts. Ha. But like. Does Supernatural exist? I sure as hell know ghosts do... but vampires, werewolves? Hmm. I dunno. I wish they did and I'd love to be a vampire. I think I'd make a great one too tbh.
Most people don't deserve to remember and go on though tbh, but they're the ones who always get the good stuff and the happiness happen to them. Totally fucking unfair.
What do you truly believe in? What do you think happens? Curious on other people's views.
There is something else that I have to write too. I miss so many relationships and so many people from the past. Of course. I'm forgotten by them... but the world hates me and it so that I have fucked up head that fucks me up, makes me overthink, all Sorts. I'm gonna sort of list the people I miss, I don't know why, but for some reason I have too;
KA, KS, BB, RG, MH, SDA, EL, BP, JL, JH, JH, JW, JON, Z, DG, SC, LH, CC, CC, CB... there are more. But I can't really think right now. I have another headache. Which keep happening. Super annoying, honestly. Just another way my illness is getting worse! Blah. Oh, I don't know why I miss the people, i just do. Even though most are arses. In fact. They all are. They all left too, but then everyone leaves in the end!
Letting people in, it's something I can no longer do, I've done it too much, I've been hurt way too much, and everyone I do start to lower my guard for? They fuck me up too. So tell me... why should I give anyone a chance? Everyone's just a cunt. I swear down.
I've started wearing crystals, yeah I'm a believer in that shit. The ones I don't ever take off are the necklaces, three charms, ones for love, ones to 'let go' and the third to remove energy blocks ha. Obviously the first two are what I need the most. But I have my bracelets too... but I have about 20
That I wear!! I dunno. Just a little hoping on my part, but I don't know shit anymore. I can't control life and it sucks to be honest.
No money problems atm, a few sales here and there, but the findom? Just timewasters again. Cats? Got 7 beautiful babies who are healthy and loving. Mood? Head? Kinda mellow now. But I do have my Moments. Still. And I hate those moments. Like empty, mindless head fucked moments where I'm so alone and lonely and it hurts. Guys? What guys? Mates? What mates? Family? What family? All this is just an update I guess since I don't have Facebook no more! Ey my right leg is progressing though, can't wait for it to be done completely! Get me those clips sales (iwantclips & search Abbyy36) orrrr sign up to my onlyfans... https://onlyfans.com/abbyylewis36. Oh and if you're a findom loser, just buy off my wishlist, send me money, you know the usual. Oh. My CFS is still steadily declining. It sucks. But it is what it is. I just miss working out.
Anyhow. I don't have anything else to say right now. Enjoy the read. Shorter than usual.