Monday 3 October 2016

Destined to be alone.

  Know what I have realised. Honestly. Is that I will forever be alone and single. I've faced facts. I've always had a tiny bit of hope... but now? Not anymore. I don't believe no more. I justt know I'' not gonna find anyone. Maybe because I'm too picky, but I don't care. I deserve the best after what bullshit I have been through. But the best doesn't exist... so therefore. Goodbye hope! Hello single life forever and loneliness! Hahaha.
   I guess it's for the best with my illness. I mean. I see myself as a burden. Unable to live life normally. And if I try? I crash. End up bed bound and asleep and just unable to move for days. It'/ Monday right? And I still haven't recovered from the Weekend at work. Like. I have been here typing this blog making lots of errors already! Ha. My god. My memory has gone to shit with this illness. 'Memory fog'. I have even forgot my age.
  I get so fucking annoyed. Like. Because people don't personally know my illness so it's fake? I should push myself? Na pushing myself makes me crash and bed bound. Even more so than usual. I have no appetite right now trying to recover from the Weekend working... it': no fun. Like being hungry but being so tired to eat and have an appetite. Everything knocks me sick right now.
  I'' dreading tomorrow. Have to be up super early. defo be going straught back sleep when I am home since I struggle.
  I'm just going on now. Haha. But I don''t care. People need to understand just how hard it is having what I have, it's only mild too... I dread the day it gets worse I really do. I don't know how I will cope having to be in a Wheelchair.
  Back to subject though of this post... it sucks this lonely feeling but I have accepted. I choose money now over anything. Because everything else? It just hurts you and fucks you over. Obviously my cats over everything too. The love I have for my beautiful cats is immense. I don't love much any more.
  My life is bloody boring these days. Work weekends. Sleep rest of week and watch various TV shows... i need a life. I need a fun life. But hey I have lost hope. I'm just living for nothing at this rate. If I died today, well I wouldn't even care.  
  One thing I am thankful for right now is the fact the depresion side of things isn'5 so intense. Instead? I'm just really angry. Angry at people. People who are supposed to be friends yet ignore me. The fact I always have to message first. Angry at life for handing me such bullshit. Angry at all the people who do not deserve happiness are happy. Just so much anger...

Anyway. I'm done going on and on. I just had to vent I guess. Thanks for reading.

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