Tuesday 9 August 2016

Never ending flip in emotions.

  The title says it all I guess. I've been amazing all day... And I sit here? I'm almost in tears yet again thinking.
  I don't know what it is but my emotions love to flip from to the other and it proper fucks me up. All I want is to be happy, but it seems impossible.
  Money and cats are the only think to make me happy. I mean don't get me wrong. Love would also make me happy... But what is the point? I mean I have never in my life met a loyal male when it comes to me. In fact sometimes to others as well. It's just a giant ball of being unloyal. If I begin to see someone I worry they'll fuck me off... In fact they always do. It makes me feel not good enough. I mean sure I can be a little crazy... But isn't everyone? I mean only reason I get crazy is when a guy ignores me, or they're like 'there isn't anyone else' when you've told them to tell you if there is... But yet they do have someone else. And they always go for the other girl, then they split. And they come straight back to me... Any wonder why I'm head fucked? I'd understand if I was easy... But I'm far fucking from it! Anyway. I have accepted that love from humans is impossible, I always love, and never am loved back. In my eyes anyway. I don't even care.
  As I sit here with tears in my eyes Mumble came and cuddled and kissed me. I think he knows when his human mummy needs comfort, only animal love is th love I'll get... But hey I don't really mind. My cats have been babied so they're loyal (mostly Eric and Mumble, they even come to me before food to say hello when they come in, strange for cats as they normally go for food right away). My cats are my babies... I don't want real babies, ever. I don't think I could cope. My illness would be worse, I could pass it on, and I couldn't deal being a single parent!!
  Money? I don't live on much. £60 a week. I am able to put some money aside once a fortnight though which is good. It's why I love the Financial Domination thing. I love getting money and gifts off those willing to give... I mean who wouldn't? Especially when you cannot spoil yourself due to no longer being able to work full time, and you don'r recieve birthday or christmas presents anymore. 23 and too old to celebrate really! So the whole financial domination thing is fun for me. But it can be annoying when idiots don't understand the thing then are like 'what do you do for them?'  You need to read this, and read it carefully, THEY GET A KICK OUT OF SENDING ME MONEY.
  My life really is pointless.  I sleep all week, I work weekends... Go out the occasional Sunday, repeat, repeat, when will I ever be okay?
I just know I am supposed to be alone and lonely with my cats and living at home forever due to not being able to work and not wanting to take off the government... Like everyone else, especially the ones who pop out kids for benefits it's very annoying.
  Know another thing that really ticks me off? When people tell me I don't deserve anyone for posting my body, and calling me a slut, I mean. I am pretty sure sluts sleep around... But me? I'm like a fucking virgin pretty much. I'd rather fuck one person than a whole bunch of them. I prefer to build a connection... Otherwise I just do not enjoy sex. And me not deservig anyone is bullshit... I mean if I was a model it would be okay. But truth is I'm not comfortable others taking my photos... Or I would have gone for it.

Love has to be off the list... As I will never have that. Maybe I will have a sex buddy. But naaaa. Love isn't on the cards and to be quite honest I am glad... who wants love really? It rips you apart and nothing lasts!
Money is half on, half off, because I just about cope with that £60 a week, and this financial domination is very touch and go because there are so many dommes and little paypigs... I mean the idiots even pay fakes and them cry about it. It's not hard to tell a fake. So anything I do get when I am approached is good fun, so that is why it's on and off since people buying are not constant. And that Amazon Wishlist trick is fucking annoying... If you're not gonna buy don't. Don't pretend too that's wose! Get your hopes up for fuck all.
Cats is the one fully on my list... They love me and are loyal. What more could I ask for?!

 I don't have much to look forward to in life to be honest. Just little things. Like;
My next tattoo (managed to save enough for it)
Seeing a strip show in October
And then heading back to Newcastle in April for my birthday...

Not much hey.

My illnesses don't help. CFS/ME and depression. I'm always fighting. Always. I never have a break. I mean my body feels like it's being pricked with needles constantly. And after work? My god it's even worse. It is like a knife is slicing my body up bit by bit. I dread the day the ME/CFS gets worse. I don't think I could cope with being in a wheelchair. I don't know. Depression makes me think emotionally. Think about how easier It would be if I wasn't here...

See what I mean? I'm always fighting my illnesses.

A long blog post... That probably won't get read. But hey. I have to vent somehow rigt? And since I wouldn't want to burden people... I do it on a fucking blog post!


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