Saturday 25 February 2023

When will I just only be positive?

   What I said huh. In the title. 

I have to vent. 

I do. 

But I don’t have anyone turn too… I never do, not really. Who can I trust but me? Not just that who can I turn too without being judged, without feeling a burden? Nobody. So that’s why I tend to post online. 

Thought I’d do a blog post. 

Well, anyway. Main points… dating and speaking to a guy who wants to bang everyone else. I mean yeah not serious… but it’s still such a shitter to my already confidence. Like. I just KNOW I won’t find anyone ever me. 

No. Don’t start. ‘Everyone finds someone’ bullshit… that’s not the case. Some people die alone. That will be me. I’m always rejected. And I am NOT going to consider the pests who pester every woman that has a thousand+ followers, I’m no fool you know? 

But yeah liking someone who clearly doesn’t actually like you, it’s blah. 

Oh, and yet again I’ve been hoping and being positive hoping for some good shit  but life continues to give me shit after shit, like what is the point? I honestly can’t keep at this  

My head hurts. 


Wednesday 26 October 2022

New post, been ages.

   I rarely remember this exists tbh, maybe because nobody even reads it…

Still here, but still struggling with life. 

Nothing actually ever changes, no matter how much I try, shit happens, worse things happen, I wonder what the point is, yet I’m too scared of not existing to do anything… I even would live forever, but yeah. 

Still single as fuck, 8 years now. No dating life. No love life. No sex life. Haven’t even had sex since like Feb! Ha. Fuck em. 

The lovely CFS is worse, actually worse. 

I have 16 cats, two being feral, and they’ve changed since my last post. Heartbroken when they die or go missing but I cope by replacing, as sad as it sounds. They help my loneliness a touch. Except when the chronic loneliness kicks in. Which is like depression, cannot be helped. 

Still on OF not making millions because they never used to pay me on time, till now, besides never made that much anyway, you’d think I would, but na, thousands of content going for waste ha. Sales are rubbish!

Just existing. Not living. Hiding in a bubble. Hiding in a fantasy world. Books. Shows. Gaming. When I can. But sometimes I can’t do fuck all. 

I’ll try post again. 

Saturday 5 March 2022

Donda 2

  Trying something different here. Let me leave you a Donda 2 review. A little one haha. 

  If you know me you know I’m a huge Kanye fan. But I’ll be honest I’m minus nearly 1,100 in my bank account so that stem player? I couldn’t possibly get the stem player right now. As much as I love him, it’s ridiculous that he’d treat us this way, his fans… he’s the bloody billionaire. Not us! I struggle to make most ends meet, can’t move out etc etc… hey Kanye if you wanna help me out please do! 😂👌. 

  Okay going off track then, but let me give you a review, on Donda 2. You can tell Kanye is in what I call ‘crazy mode’. Which he is. Especially with BPD, no hate because I have shit mental health myself. But you can see his heart has been broken by Kim K. 

  The album itself feels rushed compared to Donda, alot of two minutes songs. Which as the genius he is is unexpected. And the fact it was actually released compared to the three listening parties with Donda, and then the bringing out of the album and actually editing it when it was out! With Donda 2 the tracks are in fact catchy and good, but like I said alot of heartbreak behind it. It’s like when he brought the album out when his mum had passed, 808s. 

I’d recommended finding a way to listen, I found a link via Twitter, and downloaded them this way, I mean if I could afford the stem player I would of got it but yeah, being so much in my minus unable to extend my overdraft… not exactly possible at the moment is it! 

  As a Kanye fan, kind of hurt how he handled Donda 2, yeah the music platforms take a cut of your damn music Ye, BUT YOU ARE A DAMN BILLIONAIRE! Life for us normal folk is expensive asf. Sometimes can’t even buy food for myself. So I’m glad someone uploaded it online. 

  I hope Kanye brings out the albums he has promised us in the past especially Kids See Ghosts 2… make up with Cudi, make it happen, it needs to happen! But there js so much he’s promised and never delivered… focus on those. Not Kim. Fuck Kim. If it’s meant to be she’ll come back, if not then… he should find someone else. 

  Yeah, went super off track, weird how my mind works and I’ll just type those thoughts of mine out! 

  But… Donda 2 even in it’s rushed and short status and heartbreak is still actually brilliant and of course Kanye is still that genius he is. 

Wednesday 29 December 2021

Does living forever exist?

  Jeez guys, honestly lately my mind is just… a mess. Literally still thinking about not existing etc, it’s consuming me. Never in my life have I been scared like this. Probably because I’m nearing 30? Huh. It’s weird. Nearly 30. I don’t seem it. I’m still at home. Sadly. The disabled life giving me a limited life. 
  It’s crazy these thoughts. Why can’t I just be normal ha. Last night I almost threw up over it. I kid you not I was gonna throw up over it. 
  I mean, we are born and die… but what if you could live forever, would you? I know I would. I know my depression gets better of me sometimes and I wanna not be here but mostly the not existing is a scary thought. Because what happens after death? I truly believe at this moment…
  So yeah, scary thought. Can I just jump into one of my books and be some bad ass angel or something?  Could I please just know what happens? Is there hypotherapy for this shit to stop it consuming me? Because I can’t live like this.

Tuesday 28 December 2021

Those thoughts.

  So. It’s 3am and my mind is in overdrive. Especially regarding my last post. I just can’t stop thinking. 
  What about? Dying and ceasing to exist. It’s a real scary thought. And actually just makes me wanna live forever. But I know that isn’t the case.  
  In all honesty I actually feel sick thinking of it. Like I wish I could know what happens. 

 Help. Mad thoughts. 

Tuesday 7 September 2021

Really though, where do we go?

   It’s a question we all fucking ask… life after death… what the fuck happens? Do we just cease? Is there heaven or hell? An afterlife? What do you believe? What do I believe? 

  I don’t even know. Part of me wants the mythology side to be true, you can choose to incarnate or stay in the Underworld if you haven’t been evil… but then there’s the normal heaven and hell shite, up above if you’ve been pure, down below if you’ve been bad… then reincarnation off the bat. You die you’re someone else. You never remember who you was, if you was bad you’ll be punished. And lastly for me, afterlife as in ghosts etc etc. 

  The above four is what I do believe mostly but I do also believe we just don’t exist no more. That’s the scary thing. It really fucking is. I’ve been thinking so much lately, as someone I knew died, he absolutely hated me, which is fair enough as I did some bad things and told certain people stuff… I don’t want to comment, but yeah basically that happened for some reason it’s affected me, knowing I aint close to him or even liked by him or anything like that, but it’s like surely he isn’t dead right? Surely it’s just a farce… I don’t know why it’s affected me so fucking much but it has. Like. Really. 

  I think it’s hit me because I’ve lived mist my damn life wanting to give up and end it, in fact a tiny bit still does, because life is hard work, lonely and boring. Being disabled makes it all the harder… I need to write the books I want to write, I need to live, I need to feel, I need to find love, friends, people who give a shit, I need more from life, but those illnesses of mine make it so hard, I end up in a fantasy world. Books and games and TV shows beat real life. Being rich would make it better but I aint. I’m actually minus a grand in my bank, and about 3 grand in debt otherwise… money is shite. How can we live without it. We can’t but we don’t live without it. 

  I’ve got so much on my mind. And nobody to talk too. It’s always the damn case. I’m so fucking alone and lonely. I know I’m picky when it comes to guys, but why settle in a fucked up world and I’ll just be as bored. Friends. I have them. But not really. It’s complicated. 

  Now, even though I want to live, I’ll still have my shows and games and books… they’re not going anywhere. But I do want to travel the world, I want to be out there, I want people in my life to actually be there. To care. Life really is short. It flies by! I still feel like a teen! 

  Immortality… that’s something else discussed, vampires, werewolves, gods, angels, etc etc, does this Supernatural world exist? Probably not, just that fantasy life out there aint it. I wish I could live forever you know, I wanna see how the world goes, I don’t want to cease existing. That thought scares me so much. No longer existing. Can you imagine it? I do. All the time. I’m so scared of it. 

  I don’t want to die. Some of me doesn’t wanna live, since yanno I’m in constant pain, tired, constant battle with my head… I just want to know what happens though, if I could be immortal, someone make that so. I don’t want to be forgetten, I don’t want to even forget myself. I don’t want to not exist no more…

  Also… will I ever fucking find someone? I just get pied off. Everyone my age all loved up with a family… and I have nobody but my damn cats tbh! I wish I was good enough to be cared about, to be loved, to have love, to have happiness, I’m gonna cease existing and nobody will ever miss me… I won’t be remembered. 

  Let me be immortal please. 

Sunday 29 August 2021

When it all comes crashing…

   I’ve been in a pretty okay place. I actually have. Not happy. But good you know? But it’s all just crashed these past few days, it sucks to be me right now! 

  The realisation again of having nobody in my life who gives a fuck, honestly. I try so hard with people and it just leaves me… alone. The amount of people who have made their friends for them to forget I exist is a regular thing! 

  I’m sick of going out on my own. The only time I go out is the quizzes and it’s always by myself. No fucker gets in touch with me, no fucker reaches out when I’m literally screaming for people to do so… I can honestly say I’m so lost. 

  I get told all the time that I aint alone, they see me out with people. But did you know that I flit from group to group and I actually am on my own? I’m getting to the point of why do I bother? Why don’t I just be a hermit, I mean, I’m like 89% one anyway, but those quiz times are just… they break up the shitty boring week. But alot of them in the quizzes fucking hate me. That much is obvious. Try and sit with someone. Get told no. Then if any of the mutuals come near me they get told off etc etc etc. 

  What’s so bad about me? I mean I get I’m honest as fuck and won’t shy from telling the truth… but SURELY that shit is better than having friends who lie to you?! I don’t know what to do. 

  As always when I’m down. Half of me wants to end it. Half of me wants to live forever. What do I do? What do I fucking do!? 

  Are you reading this? Do you care if I died? Then let me know. Because not doing so is just making me wanna give up, having absolutely nobody giving no fucks about you… it’s awful. It’s really fucking awful. 

  I’m the person who brings people together… but then they forget about me. Which is just another sucky empty lonely and alone feeling. It’s no good! 

  Okay. So. Not just all this but other issues too. I’m like a grand into the minus in my bank… it’s hard work trying to live isn’t it? My sales are okay… but they could be better, but I just don’t have energy because of the illnesses! 

  Which brings me to my illnesses, they’re just wank to deal with. I’m sick of being in pain. I’m sick of being so fucking drained. I’m sick of so much with it. All of it. I wish I could give it away for a day to the doubters so people realised how much effort it is to live, to even exist. 

  And now, one of my cats, where you all should know I’m a crazy cat lady, well one of them is sick, and has been for a while, and I’m so worried. I obviously can’t take her vets, and none will do a payment plan… I’m worried sick. Absolutely stressed and I wonder why I find a way to get lethal drunk! 

  Money, cats, loneliness, happiness… will I ever be happy? Will life ever quit hating me?! 

  I’m still single as fuck as well. Don’t speak to anyone. Date. Etc. I just see no point. Guys want sex, and then to fuck off. It’s not good is it? I want something real, to actually have love and be loved back for once in my life. 

  I’ll settle for being rich though hahaha. 

Whatever, I’m so lost right now. 

Reach out if you give a shit if I was to die, or don’t and don’t come to the damn funeral!

  Life goes too fast… I wanna live before it’s too late but loneliness consumes me and makes me sad, chronic loneliness really is a thing! And a shitty one at that! 

  I need friends, or a guy, I will take either! Or a cure to loneliness. Like I’ve said if you give a fuck let me KNOW!!