Tuesday 29 June 2021

Gonna just dream.

   I mean. It’s all I can do! My loneliness is as always hitting me again. Like, is this really fucking it for me? Friendless. Guyless. Just me and the cats. And just me. Alone forever. Wishing that wasn’t the case. Half accepting it. Half not. 

  I’m making no sense. But I’m so lost. And I wish I had just someone to talk too but I also hate people. 

  Lately my moods have been so bad… I honestly wish I was dead. Or stuck in my dreams forever. Both. Nobody would miss me if I was dead. Trust me. 

Monday 28 June 2021

If I was simple in the mind…

…everything would be fine. 
  Love those lyrics from my Kid Cudi. Such an underrated artist! Honestly we all know how much I love him haha. 

  Anyway. The mind of mine is in overdrive. Again! I’ve said I have no hope. But I think I have a little. But I don’t know anyone. The only girly part of me is wanting romance and finding someone. But. I just don’t know anymore. Hmm. 

  I was starting to speak someone new. But yet again I got pied off before anything happened. Kinda gutted. Kinda used to it. Kinda fed up. 
I’m sick of having to beg for attention, I’m sick of all the wrong guys, or no guys. I’m sick of fake friends/no friends. I’m sick of having a messed up head! 

  I want to be happy. Even if that means me being on my own. But it’s so hard. I don’t know. I’m praying and preaching to the Universe asking and saying to give me my happiness. But if that happens or not time will tell, let’s just hope I’m not pushed over the edge on one of the bad days. 

  I want to be out in the world but that shizz is hard thanks to the illnesses… cmon can someone just have a cure already or some help? I go out and end up asleep for hours. I work out. Asleep for hours. It’s hard. 

  So many people get good friends and a good relationship and they are literally always the ones who don’t deserve it. Yet just drops in their laps. I try my hardest and I just get nobody, nothing, and being sick! It’s unfair. 

  I’m sick of life. But life doesn’t wanna change. No matter how much I try. And pray. And hope. And trust me. I do. 

  Can someone just be a real mate? Or a decent guy? 
No okay. 

I need to just… blah. 

What is happiness?

   Do you know how to be happy? Send me tips as I have no fucking clue! All I want is happiness but all I get it sadness… I get left behind and forgotten, I’m such a burden and going nowhere in life. Everytime I try and change shite… it just gets worse. I mean surely it should end and just give me something good in life? 28 years and I am just… going nowhere.

  Yes. I do have friends. But they’re not proper ones as I always say. Only wanna see me for nights out. Or when it suits them. Oh and lets not forget that if I aint the one to message first then nobody bothers with me. So yeah. In my eyes. Not real mates. 

  I’m gonna be single forever when I wish I could find someone. But hope is lost. Too much hoping. 

  Loneliness is what hurts me. 

  I just want to be happy. 

Friday 18 June 2021

Need to stay away…

   Yep, I do… from alcohol! I mean. I don’t have a stop. It’s either drink and drink too much or not at all. And I need to stick to not drinking! 

  During the drinking and the day after it’s bloody beautiful being pain free which is why I end up drinking loads… most people have no idea of the pain I deal with daily, so yeah me being shit faced helps with that. But I need to stop, the hangovers are bad, I get bad withdrawal too. I get hot and cold, I shake, my body can’t function, my head hurts… but still pain free till that night comes then the pain is slowly creeping it’s way forward. I also need to stop because mentally throws me west. Depression kicks in. Loneliness. Overthinking and thinking. It just makes me an emotional mess. Well. More of an emotional mess! I realise that I will not find anyone. Nope. And it gets to me. I’ve accepted it. But as I have said before it still hits me and I get sad. Like, why don’t I deserve to be with someone? Why do I deserve to be alone forever? It’s a sucky feeling. Honestly. 

  Anyway, I needed to rant. But as I’ve said before nobody rant too as I have no mates who would help and listen, obviously no guy. Gonna go sleep and hope I dream that better life. Because quite frankly, I hate mine. 

Tuesday 15 June 2021

I’m always ignored if I DO reply…

  So it’s rare I bother with people tbh. When I do though? People just ignore fuck out of me. And it’s like any wonder why i don’t bother??? Why do people suck so much! I literally do not know any decent person near me. I promise you. Full of asshats and selfish cunts. 

  This week seems to be dragging, probably because I want Thursday and Sunday haha, the quiz nights. Only time I see any humans, even though I have no real mates and end up alone πŸ˜‚. But I guess it’s just good to be out. Even thought my body punishes me for being out of bed! 

  I heard lockdown is extended, again? What a joke. England is the only country that has done this and for so fucking long… any wonder why I actually hate England? You really cannot blame me. Awful place. Awful people. Awful shows. Awful music. Blah. Get me to America haha. 

  I know I’ve pushed myself lately… immune system is shot so I have a damn coldsore. Great. Only time will tell when I get the cold the people in the house have! 

  Well anyway. Just needed to vent. But you know me, I have nobody to even message ha. So me blogging. Talking to myself. Like I’ve said before nobody really read the blog anyway! 

 Till next time I need to talk. 

Monday 14 June 2021

Being forgotten, being left behind.

   It sucks. It does. We all know I have no proper friends. But to see others, ones you thought once were becoming happy and settling down... and I’m just like, ‘hey, hello, I’m still a burden at home’, nobody wants me, all I do is lay in bed... it’s all an awful feeling, being lonely, being alone, being forgotten, being left behind... all of these together. And well. Your head is pretty bashed. 

  I mean, I don’t think I want kids tbh, that’s not for me. But finding someone would be great. Living life would be great. Having friends. 

  Seems that isn’t for me though! Blah. I know I repeat myself. But my mind is all over the place. I just want to be happy. I just want love. I just want to be illness free. I just want to stop crying. 

  I’m not happy, nor do I think I ever will. Not when I cannot find someone and cannot seem to have good mates. Silly, maybe. 

  I’m always forgotten. I’m always left behind. I’m always unwanted. 

I don’t know why I’m alive, really, nobody would miss me, I promise. 

Sunday 13 June 2021

The mind doesn’t shhhh!

   So. It’s 5.17am and I am struggling to sleep since you know- it’s night time haha! Well. Anyway. I’m kinda pissed off at Social Media... Instagram to be exact. They’ve removed me. Again! But the appeal forms are currently broken. What a joke. Hopefully I’ll get it back. Soon! 

  I’ve had that lovely vaccine... and I don’t know if I had side effects... as the ‘very common’ ones are my usual thanks to the damn illnesses I put up with. I know the arm is a tad sore, heavy, and it’s increased my headaches, and it’s also made me dizzy, like vertigo! Do what I do best. Pop pills. Cocodomol or paracetomol haha. Whatever. 

  Okay let’s get emosh. Basically whenever I ask the Universe for help... I get none. Every time I ask for a sign to live or die... I always get the sign to give the fuck up, and I won’t lie with my life not getting better, I’m tempted to just give up. I’ll be honest. I’ve still given up. But. I would love to have proper real mates. And I would love to find a guy. I would love to have love. But yeah, isn’t for me is it? And before people say go out and get it. I have tried. Trust me. I have fucking tried. It’s getting to the point now where I jumped off the cliff and holding on over the edge...

  I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Saturday 12 June 2021

Time to talk to myself, again.

  Hey myself! Since noone really reads my blog! Ha. So I’m sat here watching my stuff... and like I wish I had someone talk too! But as always I do not. So time to vent here and yeah.. talk to my fucking self. 

  As I’ve said, I’ve accepted the no friends and never finding anyone.... but doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck! Hell. I would love to have decent mates who actually check up on me, who would actually wanna do things that doesn’t just involve a night out and drinking. I mean. I don’t mind nights out as I am a night person... but drinking isn’t something I want to do! Not always anyway. Doesn’t even hit me no more. I wish I could find someone. But everyone just on about pointless bangs or already taken and cheating... as I’ve said I don’t even bloody talk to anyone.... I just miss having someone. Friends or relationship. Either. Both. Either. Both. But that’s not the case for me. Neither. Neither. Neither. And by hell I’ve tried. 

  Dating is a sucky thing these days! I’m banned from most the damn apps... yet also don’t get out much because of my great illness. Nobody wants me anyway unless they’re the pests commenting on every hot chicks post. Or they’re taken and haven’t been getting laid. Or they’re bored. I dunno. 

  Loneliness been hitting me soooo hard today, thank god for the cats! But constantly checking my phone and just having nobody to message gets... tedious? Loneliness is a thing. It really is. And I suffer it so much. Most of the time. Alot of the time. I prefer the numb side of my head, no cares! 

  I had that covid vaccine today... now with my CFS, I don’t know if I got any symptoms really... as the list is my daily symptoms! The only thing different? The fact I’m dizzy and sickly... probably vertigo? These aint even listed on the symptoms! But it’s happening. Can’t move without it hitting! At the clinic someone fainted... that was scary to see, I’ve heard the next one is worse... I’m hoping that doesn’t bloody happen to me!! 

  I wish I was rich and/or better with money. Literally no sales right now on OF or IWC, and it’s stressing me out as I’m right on the end of my overdraft, trying not to extend it but no money! Where’s some rich guy take al the problems away? Friendship, relationship and money! Hahaha. I dream of it. Anyway. That’s all I got. Dreaming! If ya’ll wanna help get those sales in pls haha, or if you wanna cheer me up... wishlist!

  I really am so fat, I shit you not it’s getting to me abit. But at the same time... I like food. But I’m also fat. Fat and food don’t go. I always so no wonder nobody wants me... but I always get pied off for fat people so why am I not finding anyone?! Ha. I sound so mean. I’m sorry. I know size and looks don’t matter not truly. And I mean size doesn’t. I fell for someone bigger, the only thing is I can’t have someone skinny... as I’m afraid my fat self would kill them, that’s a thing. Why am I so damn shallow when I aint even totally attractive myself. God sake. Maybe it would be better being blind. Woulf stress me out though. I can’t enjoy the little things that make my life bearable. Oh shutup Abby. 

  Anyway. I guess I got some thoughts out then. I’m still emotional. Lonely. Alone. But not much to be done I guess. I wish I had real mates. I wish I had a guy. But yeah. Not going to happen. That ship has sailed. That hope has gone. That empty wishing is done with. Just me and the cats. 16 of them. Yep. Crazy cat lady. Oh well. I just had to vent my thoughts again. To myself. 

  Oh, and... everyone leaves. Which gets me down. With the loneliness. Always get left behind. Always get forgotten. Why do I bother?

Friday 11 June 2021

There’s more...

  Been sat thinking about the last post and been like, ‘hold on there’s stuff I forgot!’ So instead of Facebook though, it’s just gonna be here. I mean, why not. Like I’ve said most wouldn’t even read what I say, anyway. So let’s go. Again. 

  I have some skin condition on my head me, I say my head because it is literally just my scalp, ears and face. Mostly scalp and ears. Tried many things for both. Nothing works at all. Don’t try and suggest. I’ve probably tried it. I have scabs sometimes in my head as I will literally sit itching or scraping my scalp. Sometimes I do it too much and it hurts! As for the ears they’re just as bad with fuck all to help, Especially the inside of my ears, forever making them swell and get infected from too much itching! It’s gotten worse though as it used be just the inside but now it’s outside too. And face. Well. Face aint so bad, it itches. It burns. And if I have a flare up I get dry patches. I must put about 10 moisturers on daily. Again nothing works too well. I’m still driven mad with itchiness and burning, ohh and not forgetting the redness! But I’m used to shit having no cure or proper help. It’s just the fucking normal for me, isn’t it! Can’t sleep when writing this due to me itching my scalp off- but I won’t be posting yet as more I wanna say... just wanna vent about how itchy I am hahaha! I mean, I do get itchy skin all over but it’s the worst there. And since it’s getting worse all the time, no doubt it won’t be long till my body starts to itch. Lord save me. It drives me fucking crazy. 

  I should be used to the lonely and alone life thinking about things. I’ve never had true mates. Ever. I mean I did have one close friend... but then high school started and I lost her that much was obvious and then I proceeded to jump from group to group during dinners etc, I was such a damn nerd. But because my memory only seems to remember the past well- I remember the most then. Hey, those were the start of my mental problems. Especially with BPD, blowing up people’s phones. Especially if I didn’t get a reply in seconds, and getting the great nickname of stalker! I was obsessed with a lot of the guys in the year above. But me being a loner and ugly I only lost my V when I left school. And I had no confidence in High School either. Of course, leaving I chased those old crushes and I can say some of them have been under me hahaha. I hated High School. But I crave to do it again and be popular, but at the same time it makes you don’t it. The shite you go through. Coz of course I was bullied as well. I remember one asshat messaging me a few years ago on Bumble saying ‘you’re still the pale weirdo you was in school’. Like being pale is an actual fucking insult. I can promise you all now- I don’t suit a tan or being orange. But I’m also fucking wonderful as I’m colourful as fuck. Haha. 

  Let’s touch base on the friends thing again. They see my posts. They see my cries for help. But do one of them bother to message first and reach out? Naa. This is why I say I have no mates. Not truly. I have people I see and/or speak to on occasion. That’s it. Haha. I try. Hell. I really do. But it just seems that the North West of England just has assholes! 

  I’m a nail biter. Tried everything I can to stop but just doesn’t happen. I have actually done it since I was about 7! Tbh though, I got fat hands, me and all my sisters have. I do not suit nails! Couldn’t even wear a ring haha! 

  Constant pain does not seem nice right? I can confirm it’s fucking awful. But when awake you get soooo used to it. When I sleep and then I wake up the pain and exhaustion hits like a damn brick. Because being asleep you can’t really feel it. I literally have not much relief. It’s why I became a mini alcoholic with cocodomol... both makes me numb but blacks me out! Honestly I shit you not. I know fuck all but the pain. Before I got diagnosed and knew CFS existed I just thought it was the normal you know? Like everyone has a sore back, everyone has arms that hurt if they do anything. But then I found out what it is... and I’m just like so it’s not normal to be in this pain all the time? It’s just me?! And nothing really helps? Oh. Right then. I guess I’ll just have to keep putting up with this shit. I mean, to be honest, I am kinda used to it. Mainly. But then, when it’s bad it brings tears to my eyes, it sucks honestly. 

  Alot of people wonder how I manage. And say they’d not manage. That I’m strong. And all this. And I guess they’re right. But why the hell do I have to be strong? When people just get good things handed to them! Guys always cheat, yet get all the happy endings. I’ve had chicks forgive the guy, blame me, then get back with them. Even had one get married to him! Though I think that was coz she was pregnant. But each to their own. 

  Guys suck, sorry not sorry! I have two exes, and then everyone else just guys with broken promises and acting like together till ‘someone better’ comes along  and so my little heart is constantly broken! So yeah, I no longer how to be with a guy... I hate humans and prefer cats! My first love, and probably only one I truly loved proper messed me up... I know what it is to love  but no fucking clue how to be loved, as nobody has ever loved me, that’s a fact! That first ex was emotionally abusive, and yeah, just don’t have a damn clue! Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to find SOMEONE, but I just don’t think that’s gonna happen for me, honestly, only ugly guys hit on me, and about 89% of them already are married or taken! Yes I know looks are not everything, but they play a big part as I’m clearly into the looks, sometimes I wish I was blind! 

  I’m trying not to nap right now. So gonna head off and get myself in Sims. There’s more I need to say... but at the moment I just cannot think! So keep an eye out ehh. 

Thursday 10 June 2021

Facebook post to Blog post

   Hi guys! So if you have me on Facebook I had a huge rant... and I thought I would copy and paste here as it’s a deep one. So here you go guys...



This is gonna be an essay type status. And then I’m just not gonna post for a couple days (well maybe some selfies!)... as Social Media, it’s just effort. I miss Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Piczo, and black and white mobiles to play snake on and never have credit on... everything was simple. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­.

Okay. So yeahh. I know I can tend to moan alot. And I’m sorry! Haha. I guess I’m like Kanye... can’t hold back with the updating πŸ˜‚πŸ‘€. 

So, I know I post alot about my illness for one. For those wondering, as always. What I have. CFS/ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and can never spell the other πŸ˜‚. BUT not just this, I have illnesses within the illness... Fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, RLS, suspected BPD, most definitely chronic loneliness (yep it’s a thing!) and no- I will not stop mentioning about being disabled and not looking as it totally needs more awareness! Stomach problems. I’m in constant pain. Doing stuff makes my body shut down. I no longer can work atm. I can’t work out either which really gets to me- I’m such a mini chunk and I miss being my skinny self. I literally lost 4 stone a few years ago, kept it off till I super declined with my illness. I just want to be able work out. And actually work. And I try with the working out. But yeah. Blah. So much I go through. I can’t even explain. Every case is different. Every person handles it different. There isn’t a cure. Or real help. 

Yeah I am lonely. And alone. I have friends sure. But do I have the close friends? True friends? I dunno. It’s always me who makes the damn effort, if I don’t I won’t hear from them. I’m always the one paying. Well. Mostly. Does anyone truly know me? Do they fuck haha. And as for guys... do not get me started. Single six and a half years. Without sex for one and a half. I don’t even know how to be with a guy. My exes fucked me up, and actually every male I ever encountered. If I’m honest with that one! I can honestly say I don’t know how to be with a guy anymore. I mean my first ex was controlling and emotionally abusive etc. I have accepted that I probably will never find anyone to be with. And that’s okay. Just would be nice to yanno. Hmm. Would also be nice have a friendship like those I see with others, someone who’d just pop round if I was on a downer, who’d be there, no matter what. 

I told you this would be a long one! Are you still reading? Probably not. 

I’m trying you know guys. I may not post the positive statuses or whatever but I do sit here and I’ll say to myself that it will get better. I’ll pray. I’ll hope. But it just doesn’t seem to happen. I started practising witchcraft too. I have a tiny tiny bit of hope, but I am losing it. And that part of me just wants to jump off a bridge. Or cliff. But it scares me. Them thoughts. Because not existing is a damn scary thought. I would prefer to live forever. But immortality isn’t a thing. 

I’m addicted to cocodomol. Not mentally. Just the body. I’m trying not to take so much... but with the pain I’m in... it’s hard. It hurts to even lift my phone sometimes, my book when I’m reading, in fact reading a book actually bruises my hands where I’m holding itπŸ˜‚. 

I have the little things in life that make things a tad better... quiz nights (even if I end up alone, which is alot of the time as I get left), they also are pretty much only time I go out or see anyone or speak to anyone. I have my cats, 16, proper crazy cat lady but no fucks. I would not be here without them. Trust me. They make life bearable. Take the lonely feeling away abit. I have my books, which I read alot of. I mean so far this year I’ve read nearly 80 books already! (Just sucks when the illness is on one I can’t concentrate on anything. I just have to sit there!). I have my TV shows- totally a sucker for reality TV. American TV is the best and the British is the worst. We had good shows in the past... I mean everyone knows how obsessed I am with Skins! And even Hollyoaks used to be bloody decent! But these days? American beats them all. I have my gaming... I’m obsessed with Fallout, and Sims, but so many other games, hate online tbh, only really play Fallout 76 which is online. I have my music too, my Kanye, Cudi, Vic Mensa, and all the rest. I absolutely love how Vic actually replies and RTs my stuff. 93 babies gotta stick together! Oh. And family. That’s a bit of a complicated one. I live at home. Still. Yes. At 28 I’m still home in a tiny damn room. My mum, sisters and nephew are here too. Three sisters. But, sometimes we don’t get along, would love my own place etc, and I feel like a huge burden... because I need help. Thankfully never been stuff too much. Just help with the cats. Help make sure I eat. I stopped working and working out to stop the decline being as fast as it was being... and now I’m in a kind of okay place where I am managing to go downstairs, and eat, which is good. But like I said I miss work and working out especially with me being a chunk now! I am trying to work out more. Again. And let’s hope I get a good weight again. I flit between 10 and 11 stone. I have rolls. Blah. But I also like sugar and food. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­. Cannot win. But I will do this. Hopefully. Went off subject but basically feel a burden to the fam I do have active in my life.

Something you probably don’t know about me- I want to write my own book. I did like nearly finish one then lost my head... that was in 2016, I am determined to finish. But, I also have other ideas and I think I’m going to start those. I want to write based on Skins, everyone who’s watched it knows about the damn cliffhangers, I wanna tie those off use my imagination etc. I miss that show!! I was thinking of doing that with Waterloo Road too... at the beginning with Chlo and Mika! 

I’m just going on now right? But. Basically. I know I’m a head case. I’m not always negative, promise. I just tend to rant on here as I have nobody to fucking rant too. As the lack of friends, being single forever, and lack of fam and feeling how I do with the ones I have 🀷‍♀️. I actually dislike people and do not know too much of a decent person in this area that I am in. Would love to move away. Why can’t I bloody be rich?! Would make life easy! Yeah- I’m also materialistic! A little. Money does make me happy. I have spending issues though. 

Currently -£350 in my bank. Like fml πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜­. But yeah would totally pack up and move with the cats and get more cats and not worry about money, oh and travel again! I mean. I mostly spend time in bed in the hotel but yeah. I would still like to travel. Before covid I went three places in 2019, I need to save and travel again. Hopefully. I’d hire some people to find an illness cure. Just yeah. But won’t happen unless I win the lottery ehh. 

People ask me about OF all the time and IWC. I will tell you abit about that... a guy once contacted me asking to buy me gifts and would empty my wishlist but then he disappeared. Then I found out about Financial Domination... and carried it on. But that only lasts a little bit of time. Unless you have millions of followers. So then I saw a site called iwantclips, and I started being on this five years ago, then I joined onlyfans a year later. And I’ve been on since. I don’t make as much as others say they do and buying their own houses. I mean shit. I’m highly into the minus. But I’ve done it too long it’s just normal to me. I don’t really do findom no more- that doesn’t work when nobody wants that and too many ‘newbies’, which sucks as I miss Amazon turning up and my list being emptied! πŸ˜‚. Which then has me going and putting myself more in minus buying stuff myself off my list πŸ˜‚. Oops. 

I live in a fantasy world, within my books etc, as reality is lonely, reality is hard. All I want is to be happy. And I’m trying. My illness limits my life. And that sucks. Loneliness consumes me. That sucks too. But I’m still here and I wanna finish the books, at least. I wanna love my cats and be here for them. My head needs to stop being split... with half wanting to be gone and the other wanting me to live forever. Such a complicated mind, ehh. And only myself to talk too. 

Anyway. That’s the end of this giant status and me venting my head off, probably delete it, nobody probably read it, or at least not all, but if you did? Let me know ehh? I’d be curious.  

Goodnight all, πŸ’‹