Monday 24 October 2016

I'm a fighter...

  I'm a fighter... but I see no point in fighting anymore. And I mean it. The only thing I see myself worth living for? My cats. My mum. The couple decent friends I have. But that's it. But in my eyes I will not be missed maybe just a little bit. But then it'll stop and I will be forgotten like everyone else in the world unless they're famous!
  Sad but true fact I believe. Just like people are always fake offering condolences... just for the likes. If I died today. Those who have given me shit in the past would do exactly that. It's such a joke this world, living is no fun.
  Literally. All I do is sleep all week, work weekends. What kond of life is this? The only thing that makes me happy is receiving gifts and money... a sad and true fact. No shame but I wish there was more that made me happy... but I just do not see it.
  I have a psychic reading tomorrow, I'm pretty excited, but also scared. Always been intrugued by this world. I have had a phone reading before but this is in person.

  My illness crashed from me going back and forth last week. Energy is like in the minuses plus the soreness. Just so many bullshit symptoms. I never feel okay, and it annoys me. I hate myself for having my illness... even though it isn't my fault... but it sucks. It's like I'm a villain or somethig isn't it... 'villians never get their happy endings'. Just a bunch of bullshit dilemmas and sadness. Like last week was hectic. Going back and forth into town... if I was normal I would have been fine, but noooo... that's what made my illness crash! I went for my glasses fixed... now I have glued glasses since they haven't got the frame yet, I also went for my phone fixed, the first day they had no screens, the day after I got home and realised they had broke my goddamn camera, went AGAIN the day after telling them come back the week after... lose my phone for a day then come back. Like seriously?! Timewasters in the findom world like always... just annoys me really.
  Nothing goes well for me. And I just wish that something went well for once in my life. Not collapse around me continuously!

  I've never been loved. Never felt loved. That shit is a fact. Especially by my first ex. The way he treated me my god, he proper fucked me up, I'm still not completely over that shit!
  I'm so lonely and alone. I know it will always be this way, but it does not mean it doesn't hurt any less. I think about it daily. How it would be nice to not be so alone and lonely. Be loved. Have friends who bother with me first for once rather than always being me... just please. I'm frd up of feeling the wasy I do 24/7.

Thursday 13 October 2016

I don't know how to be okay.

  If you follow me on Social Media. You would have seen I am currently struggling with the depression side of things... it really pisses me off to be frank. What'/ making it worse right now is I meet someone and I have to pester for attention, a fucking reply, like seriously... all I want is company. Because like I always say... I have given up on ever finding someone else. Finding happiness. How unfair.
  I struggle so bad right now. Like I just do not see the point in life. I am just soooo consumed by loneliness and being alone. I know I have friends who care. But there are only one or two who reach out to me. Talk to me. Actually reply. It just isn'5 fair.
  What did I do? Seriously. Why do i deserve to be fucked around.

  It'/ like everytime I try to be happy or be okay. Something happens and it collapses around me. And I just don'5 know why I bother. In fact I am going to try so fucking hard not to bother anymore. People. Whatever.
  My life is just gonna be lived with those lonely shitty life till I finally get pushed so far over the esge... there will be no coming back... at least I won't feel so lost anymore. I'd just be... gone.
  I just want to be okay. To experience happiness. But I don't think it will happen anymore. Oh well.

  On to a completley different subject to not make you feel so suicidal like I am... just how good is Prison Break?! I mean it was slow at first and really bored me... till episode three... then boom. My interest is hight on that show! I've nearly finished watching it... you know with this no life of mine being able to watch something constantly because I don'5 really get out because of my CFS/ME and people just not wanting to see me! But yeah. I find it such a brilliant show. I used to say to people that it was shit years and years ago but then I saw the season that is statting in January and was like... I should really fucking watch this me. And there we go DVDs bought! Probably keep rewatching Once Upon a Time after this series. Then I dunno ... I have One Tree Hill, Supernatural, Lost, Luther, Gossip Girl and Roswell to get through and re watch. Among my American shows that are restarting again. Did I mention no life?! Hahaha.

Anyway. If you took the time to read this thanks! And If you are a fighter, like me? Can message me. Can't aay I will be much help. But I shall try...

Wednesday 5 October 2016

Fake People. Fake Friends.

  How annoying is it living an area full of pricks and fake people?! I mean even when you think you have met a decent friends you realise they are just narrow minded and fake like everyone else... it does my fucking head in. So many people have come and gone in the years I have lpst count!
  I think I give up hope that where I am there is anyone geniune other than me. Well there are about 2/3 others and They're good friends. But still it can be annoying trying to be friends with peope and just getting pied. It's not even like i wanna lay you man. I just want friends!
  Like I said I never want a relationship again, so male or female, I Will be your friend only! Haha.

  It is so annoying though still. It just reminds me how alone and lonely I actually am. And how it is more than likely gonna be this way even if its friendships. I guess it is for the best though. Waht with my illness not allowing me to live a notmal life. Having to be careful with what I do etc. It's quite annoying.

  On another note the weather is bloody cold again! Haha. More pain for me sadly as I will always be tenser than usual. Oh and I will finally have my leg filled at the bottom next week i am excited! Blabbing on again.


Monday 3 October 2016

Destined to be alone.

  Know what I have realised. Honestly. Is that I will forever be alone and single. I've faced facts. I've always had a tiny bit of hope... but now? Not anymore. I don't believe no more. I justt know I'' not gonna find anyone. Maybe because I'm too picky, but I don't care. I deserve the best after what bullshit I have been through. But the best doesn't exist... so therefore. Goodbye hope! Hello single life forever and loneliness! Hahaha.
   I guess it's for the best with my illness. I mean. I see myself as a burden. Unable to live life normally. And if I try? I crash. End up bed bound and asleep and just unable to move for days. It'/ Monday right? And I still haven't recovered from the Weekend at work. Like. I have been here typing this blog making lots of errors already! Ha. My god. My memory has gone to shit with this illness. 'Memory fog'. I have even forgot my age.
  I get so fucking annoyed. Like. Because people don't personally know my illness so it's fake? I should push myself? Na pushing myself makes me crash and bed bound. Even more so than usual. I have no appetite right now trying to recover from the Weekend working... it': no fun. Like being hungry but being so tired to eat and have an appetite. Everything knocks me sick right now.
  I'' dreading tomorrow. Have to be up super early. defo be going straught back sleep when I am home since I struggle.
  I'm just going on now. Haha. But I don''t care. People need to understand just how hard it is having what I have, it's only mild too... I dread the day it gets worse I really do. I don't know how I will cope having to be in a Wheelchair.
  Back to subject though of this post... it sucks this lonely feeling but I have accepted. I choose money now over anything. Because everything else? It just hurts you and fucks you over. Obviously my cats over everything too. The love I have for my beautiful cats is immense. I don't love much any more.
  My life is bloody boring these days. Work weekends. Sleep rest of week and watch various TV shows... i need a life. I need a fun life. But hey I have lost hope. I'm just living for nothing at this rate. If I died today, well I wouldn't even care.  
  One thing I am thankful for right now is the fact the depresion side of things isn'5 so intense. Instead? I'm just really angry. Angry at people. People who are supposed to be friends yet ignore me. The fact I always have to message first. Angry at life for handing me such bullshit. Angry at all the people who do not deserve happiness are happy. Just so much anger...

Anyway. I'm done going on and on. I just had to vent I guess. Thanks for reading.