Tuesday 27 April 2021

Mentally Fucked it.

  I’m on one mentally again. I mean, I’m so down. I don’t want to post too much though and make you guys on a downer. Basically... I’m sick of being sick. Fed up of being alone and lonely. And trust me, I truly have nobody in this life. No guys want me. Friends are friends... sure, sort of. I’m back to not wanting to be alive. Wanting to live in a dream world. Anything. Nothing. 

I cannot. 

Friday 9 April 2021

Jumbled Thoughts.

   Hey guys! 

  So. I’ve given up me. I honestly don’t think I’m meant to have a partner in this life. I just have to make do. Loneliness hits me. But I’ll just hide from the world and my phone. Game. Push myself to be sicker and exhausted. Because then I sleep! I mean, I do tend to get bad dreams though, reminded of the past, but every so often I’ll get a great dream where I wanna stay! Or there’s just blackness. Which isn’t so bad. 

  The blackness though... is that what it’s like to die? It’s a scary thought to be honest. You’re just gone. Which is why I’m still here. Because it’s scary. My god. 

  So I have friends. But not anyone that’s my ‘best friend’ or anyone I’d trust with my life. Sorry if you’re reading this. But when I’m the only one who reaches out etc... yeah them thoughts happen. It’s fine. Again. Accepting it. Just get emotional when I’m lonely. 

  I’m still pretty much alone. I know it. 

 My cats are the best thing for me, if it wasn’t for them... let’s say being scared to die wouldn’t even come into it! I’d be gone. They’re my comfort! Cats are cute as. I dunno how anyone can hate them! 

  I’m kinda proud of myself. Yes we all know how shit my illnesses are... and if not read my other posts! But yeah point, I’m proud of myself. Why? I’ve managed to work out abit for a few days AND not nap so much! Not much to a healthy person... but it’s super great. For me. I mean my head is hurting more... more painkillers... I feel like shit. But I’ve gotten so fat. I need to lose some chunk. Maybe then someone will want me, jokes told you... accepted that I aint finding anyone. 

  I’m done bothering trying to find someone. Because yeah. Not happening. You’re meant to go out and get what you want... but it just isn’t happening. I’ve been trying. I’m actually just done. Me alone forever, okay then! I mean. I don’t need a guy. I can sort myself out sexually and when it comes to having someone. I just need myself. And my cats. And my fantasy world. 

  Yeah, I’m still pretty much in my fantasy world. My shows. Gaming. Reading. Can’t beat it. The world is awful. Just wish I could jump in one of them and be a Vampire or a Goddess. Now that’d be good. Coz no matter what I don’t think supernatural beings exist. And if they do... they need to come forward! 

  Yet again I’m shadow banned on Socials, barey any sales. -£300 in my bank. Think I need help with spending to be honest. But buying things cheers me up. Such a damn dangerous habit! 

  Yeah, bet this blog is confusing. I’m basically talking to myself. By typing. As I don’t have anyone to really talk too. So all my jumbled thoughts are currently being laid out. In random order. Hahaha. 

  Currently sat here with a headache! I’m watching seeking sister wife... I don’t know how they do it. But at the same time... I’m kinda like I kinda think I would as not only do you have a guy, but you have a woman as a friend too.. and let’s be real, 99% of males are cheats. I get chatted up the most in life by ugly guys, old guys who look older. Or taken guys. Rarely a hot guy hits on me. But yeah, if they do about 90% of those are taken. But yeah let’s be real, they have a guy, and a friend... which isn’t so bad. But for me... it’s just I get insanely jealous. 

  I’m definately sure I have BPD, I turn psycho, I am a mini one, I get so jealous, and then if I get ignored I pester fuck out of them... even though I don’t wanna do that. But I just can’t stop it. So there’s me being a psycho again and then they block me hahaha. 

  Bordeling psycho. You’ll see me locked up one day in a mental place. Smuggling cats in and just being crazy in a room... ohh wait. That’s me now. 

  How great is gaming! Just done the both The Evil Within... absolutely loved them both! Shame there’s no more... but it’s obvious some of the same people made resident evil 7, and the next one is out next month! But there’s also the dishonored I didn’t know about so that game! Fallout 76 updates again soon, I’ve also got Outriders... but then there are other games I haven’t done yet, I liked them but I didn’t like them, if you got me! Yeah, I’m a gamer!

  I’m so thankful I have my mum. Like honestly would not cope without her. I don’t think I’ll ever manage to move out. The whole needing help, not working, blah. It’s shit. I wish I was rich. I really do. Money and spending makes me happier! And I’d be able move out of the shit North West England, and get my own place and have all the cats in the world! Ugh. Rich people help me out haha. 

  Okay. I think I need read and wind down. My heads all spinny and like I’ve had a harpoon into my head. 

So thanks for reading if you did.