Wednesday 29 December 2021

Does living forever exist?

  Jeez guys, honestly lately my mind is just… a mess. Literally still thinking about not existing etc, it’s consuming me. Never in my life have I been scared like this. Probably because I’m nearing 30? Huh. It’s weird. Nearly 30. I don’t seem it. I’m still at home. Sadly. The disabled life giving me a limited life. 
  It’s crazy these thoughts. Why can’t I just be normal ha. Last night I almost threw up over it. I kid you not I was gonna throw up over it. 
  I mean, we are born and die… but what if you could live forever, would you? I know I would. I know my depression gets better of me sometimes and I wanna not be here but mostly the not existing is a scary thought. Because what happens after death? I truly believe at this moment…
  So yeah, scary thought. Can I just jump into one of my books and be some bad ass angel or something?  Could I please just know what happens? Is there hypotherapy for this shit to stop it consuming me? Because I can’t live like this.

Tuesday 28 December 2021

Those thoughts.

  So. It’s 3am and my mind is in overdrive. Especially regarding my last post. I just can’t stop thinking. 
  What about? Dying and ceasing to exist. It’s a real scary thought. And actually just makes me wanna live forever. But I know that isn’t the case.  
  In all honesty I actually feel sick thinking of it. Like I wish I could know what happens. 

 Help. Mad thoughts. 

Tuesday 7 September 2021

Really though, where do we go?

   It’s a question we all fucking ask… life after death… what the fuck happens? Do we just cease? Is there heaven or hell? An afterlife? What do you believe? What do I believe? 

  I don’t even know. Part of me wants the mythology side to be true, you can choose to incarnate or stay in the Underworld if you haven’t been evil… but then there’s the normal heaven and hell shite, up above if you’ve been pure, down below if you’ve been bad… then reincarnation off the bat. You die you’re someone else. You never remember who you was, if you was bad you’ll be punished. And lastly for me, afterlife as in ghosts etc etc. 

  The above four is what I do believe mostly but I do also believe we just don’t exist no more. That’s the scary thing. It really fucking is. I’ve been thinking so much lately, as someone I knew died, he absolutely hated me, which is fair enough as I did some bad things and told certain people stuff… I don’t want to comment, but yeah basically that happened for some reason it’s affected me, knowing I aint close to him or even liked by him or anything like that, but it’s like surely he isn’t dead right? Surely it’s just a farce… I don’t know why it’s affected me so fucking much but it has. Like. Really. 

  I think it’s hit me because I’ve lived mist my damn life wanting to give up and end it, in fact a tiny bit still does, because life is hard work, lonely and boring. Being disabled makes it all the harder… I need to write the books I want to write, I need to live, I need to feel, I need to find love, friends, people who give a shit, I need more from life, but those illnesses of mine make it so hard, I end up in a fantasy world. Books and games and TV shows beat real life. Being rich would make it better but I aint. I’m actually minus a grand in my bank, and about 3 grand in debt otherwise… money is shite. How can we live without it. We can’t but we don’t live without it. 

  I’ve got so much on my mind. And nobody to talk too. It’s always the damn case. I’m so fucking alone and lonely. I know I’m picky when it comes to guys, but why settle in a fucked up world and I’ll just be as bored. Friends. I have them. But not really. It’s complicated. 

  Now, even though I want to live, I’ll still have my shows and games and books… they’re not going anywhere. But I do want to travel the world, I want to be out there, I want people in my life to actually be there. To care. Life really is short. It flies by! I still feel like a teen! 

  Immortality… that’s something else discussed, vampires, werewolves, gods, angels, etc etc, does this Supernatural world exist? Probably not, just that fantasy life out there aint it. I wish I could live forever you know, I wanna see how the world goes, I don’t want to cease existing. That thought scares me so much. No longer existing. Can you imagine it? I do. All the time. I’m so scared of it. 

  I don’t want to die. Some of me doesn’t wanna live, since yanno I’m in constant pain, tired, constant battle with my head… I just want to know what happens though, if I could be immortal, someone make that so. I don’t want to be forgetten, I don’t want to even forget myself. I don’t want to not exist no more…

  Also… will I ever fucking find someone? I just get pied off. Everyone my age all loved up with a family… and I have nobody but my damn cats tbh! I wish I was good enough to be cared about, to be loved, to have love, to have happiness, I’m gonna cease existing and nobody will ever miss me… I won’t be remembered. 

  Let me be immortal please. 

Sunday 29 August 2021

When it all comes crashing…

   I’ve been in a pretty okay place. I actually have. Not happy. But good you know? But it’s all just crashed these past few days, it sucks to be me right now! 

  The realisation again of having nobody in my life who gives a fuck, honestly. I try so hard with people and it just leaves me… alone. The amount of people who have made their friends for them to forget I exist is a regular thing! 

  I’m sick of going out on my own. The only time I go out is the quizzes and it’s always by myself. No fucker gets in touch with me, no fucker reaches out when I’m literally screaming for people to do so… I can honestly say I’m so lost. 

  I get told all the time that I aint alone, they see me out with people. But did you know that I flit from group to group and I actually am on my own? I’m getting to the point of why do I bother? Why don’t I just be a hermit, I mean, I’m like 89% one anyway, but those quiz times are just… they break up the shitty boring week. But alot of them in the quizzes fucking hate me. That much is obvious. Try and sit with someone. Get told no. Then if any of the mutuals come near me they get told off etc etc etc. 

  What’s so bad about me? I mean I get I’m honest as fuck and won’t shy from telling the truth… but SURELY that shit is better than having friends who lie to you?! I don’t know what to do. 

  As always when I’m down. Half of me wants to end it. Half of me wants to live forever. What do I do? What do I fucking do!? 

  Are you reading this? Do you care if I died? Then let me know. Because not doing so is just making me wanna give up, having absolutely nobody giving no fucks about you… it’s awful. It’s really fucking awful. 

  I’m the person who brings people together… but then they forget about me. Which is just another sucky empty lonely and alone feeling. It’s no good! 

  Okay. So. Not just all this but other issues too. I’m like a grand into the minus in my bank… it’s hard work trying to live isn’t it? My sales are okay… but they could be better, but I just don’t have energy because of the illnesses! 

  Which brings me to my illnesses, they’re just wank to deal with. I’m sick of being in pain. I’m sick of being so fucking drained. I’m sick of so much with it. All of it. I wish I could give it away for a day to the doubters so people realised how much effort it is to live, to even exist. 

  And now, one of my cats, where you all should know I’m a crazy cat lady, well one of them is sick, and has been for a while, and I’m so worried. I obviously can’t take her vets, and none will do a payment plan… I’m worried sick. Absolutely stressed and I wonder why I find a way to get lethal drunk! 

  Money, cats, loneliness, happiness… will I ever be happy? Will life ever quit hating me?! 

  I’m still single as fuck as well. Don’t speak to anyone. Date. Etc. I just see no point. Guys want sex, and then to fuck off. It’s not good is it? I want something real, to actually have love and be loved back for once in my life. 

  I’ll settle for being rich though hahaha. 

Whatever, I’m so lost right now. 

Reach out if you give a shit if I was to die, or don’t and don’t come to the damn funeral!

  Life goes too fast… I wanna live before it’s too late but loneliness consumes me and makes me sad, chronic loneliness really is a thing! And a shitty one at that! 

  I need friends, or a guy, I will take either! Or a cure to loneliness. Like I’ve said if you give a fuck let me KNOW!!  

Friday 23 July 2021

Trying to cope with it all…

 …but not even managing it. Which is so fucking true. Mentally broken. Mostly. Why? Because I try so hard to have a life and friends… and for what? Not having either. 

  Constantly in tears again lately. I mean. Life sucks. People suck more. And I’m just sick of it. 

  I can honestly say I’m closer to the edge more and more, me being scared to die won’t stop me for much longer… trust me. 

  What’s brought this on? The lack of friends. I go to a pub quiz… been going alone. Started bringing my sister so I wasn’t alone… and even she fucking left me. Seeing exeryone all happy happy… then you get me in the corner on my fucking own. 

  Like, why am I even still here? I wouldn’t be missed. Well maybe by the people who follow me. But people nearby? Naa. It would be good thing for them if I was to die! That’s facts. 

  Sick of being on my own. But at the same time my own company is best. 

Sticking to hiding. 

Wednesday 14 July 2021

So Materialistic

   As the title says ey! I’m so materialistic. I 100% spend to fill a void. Only problem is… I’ve no money to spend! Legit live in my overdraft! Currently at minus £450… jesus. But, whoever says money don’t make you happy… it bloody does haha. I could easily accept being alone and lonely if I had money, and didn’t have to worry about if I would be able to feed myself- no jokes. 

  If there’s a rich man out there reading this, then please marry me haha. 

  Legit need to stop spending. But I see something and I’m like just get it! So I do and then end up more in my overdraft, and then extending it… again. And again. I wish being materialistic and having money didn’t cheer me up but it does. 

  When it comes to sales, everyone is a cheapskate and won’t sign up because of all the thots out there with their subscription price at $3. But they don’t realise just how much content I have… I’ve done it for four fucking years. And iwantclips gets ignored. I get I don’t update as much… but there is literally so much content and it’s easier to find the ‘dress up’ videos everyone seems to love… in reality I’d rather be in pj’s and no makeup hahaha. Actually just tempting to give it all up, I’ve worked so hard but that working hard has literally got me fucking nowhere. I’m seeing chicks making so much more than me… bet they don’t pay tax though! I don’t even make enough be taxed! 

  Life legit hates me. In debt. Can’t find real mates. Can’t find a guy. Disabled. With so many illnesses and anything else that happens is related. Always! Yes, I do and have ‘try to change things’, and still fucking trying. And yeah, I ‘think positive’ even though it doesn’t work…

  Just send me unlimitless money and it’ll all be okay hahaha. 

Saturday 10 July 2021

Lost, broken, emotional.

   Legit hate my head you know? I’m yet again mentally emotional, mentally fucked, mentally done! Probably from drinking (which I need to stop!). But not just that- just blah. I literally have nobody. Nobody to turn too. Nobody to see. Nobody to vent too. And it’s just breaking me more. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want someone. But I don’t. I want friends. Real ones. But nobody cares! I’m sick of crying and being sad. I’m sick of being fucked up in the head! I literally feel worthless, pointless, burden, lost, broken, blah. 

  I don’t have anyone but myself. And the cats. My mum and sisters sorta. But everyone else forgets I exist. Everyone else is just happy as fuck with their decent mates and relationships and I’m here like… help. Going nowhere in life. Being forgotten. Being rejected. Being fucked about. I cannot be bothered. 

  All I wanna do is be brave enough to give up. But being scared to fully disappear stops me. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Send me friends? A guy? Send me a better head? Or just shoot me in the brains… 

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Oh, come on head of mine.

   My head really fucking annoys me. I see all these people happy with actual friends and their relationships… and I’m like why can’t I have this?! Instead I’m lay in bed crying because I’m just at the end. Life is truly against me. I’m not even joking. I’ve prayed, begged, called out to the Universe. I’ve tried to have friends. Tried to find a guy, tried to be happy… but nope. Everything in my life goes to shit. I’m disabled but given shit because my disability isn’t shown. I can’t work no more atm. Working out has been a fail, I do every so often but till then I’m just a fat cunt! Guys constantly reject me. I really don’t have proper friends… nobody reaches out to me unless I’m the one to message first and it’s just breaking my heart. No wonder my body is constantly tense and I grind my teeth all the time. 

  I’m just not happy. And I try so hard. But it all fucks up and gets worse! Why can’t I just accept that for me I’m supposed to be alone. Well tbh, I do actually accept it alot… but moments like these is when I blog about it. Because. Loneliness is a killer. And when like me you literally have nobody to talk too… you just blog. Well I do haha. 

  Again, not like many read my blog. But it kinda helps me.

  I’mmjust empty. Sick of being like this. Why do I deserve to have so much shit happen? I’m minus 400 in my bank because I spend to fill a void… I need more money. I wish I was rich. That’d just fill the void of having noone. Just buy whatever. Clone myself too haahah. 

  Fuck life, honestly. Right now I just wanna be done and give up. I HAVE FUCK ALL TO LIVE FOR!!!

Sunday 4 July 2021

Learning to cope alone.

   Exactly that title! Because I have too. Because others suck! Honestly. I shit you not. I went out last night and it hadn’t even gone to 9.30 before I was fucking left. Thankfully I know alot of people. But yeah. Decent mates would not go amiss. Makes me feel so fucking shit and worthless. Like I don’t deserve to have anyone in my life at all. 

  I’m sick of things only getting worse. Never anything good. 

Tuesday 29 June 2021

Gonna just dream.

   I mean. It’s all I can do! My loneliness is as always hitting me again. Like, is this really fucking it for me? Friendless. Guyless. Just me and the cats. And just me. Alone forever. Wishing that wasn’t the case. Half accepting it. Half not. 

  I’m making no sense. But I’m so lost. And I wish I had just someone to talk too but I also hate people. 

  Lately my moods have been so bad… I honestly wish I was dead. Or stuck in my dreams forever. Both. Nobody would miss me if I was dead. Trust me. 

Monday 28 June 2021

If I was simple in the mind…

…everything would be fine. 
  Love those lyrics from my Kid Cudi. Such an underrated artist! Honestly we all know how much I love him haha. 

  Anyway. The mind of mine is in overdrive. Again! I’ve said I have no hope. But I think I have a little. But I don’t know anyone. The only girly part of me is wanting romance and finding someone. But. I just don’t know anymore. Hmm. 

  I was starting to speak someone new. But yet again I got pied off before anything happened. Kinda gutted. Kinda used to it. Kinda fed up. 
I’m sick of having to beg for attention, I’m sick of all the wrong guys, or no guys. I’m sick of fake friends/no friends. I’m sick of having a messed up head! 

  I want to be happy. Even if that means me being on my own. But it’s so hard. I don’t know. I’m praying and preaching to the Universe asking and saying to give me my happiness. But if that happens or not time will tell, let’s just hope I’m not pushed over the edge on one of the bad days. 

  I want to be out in the world but that shizz is hard thanks to the illnesses… cmon can someone just have a cure already or some help? I go out and end up asleep for hours. I work out. Asleep for hours. It’s hard. 

  So many people get good friends and a good relationship and they are literally always the ones who don’t deserve it. Yet just drops in their laps. I try my hardest and I just get nobody, nothing, and being sick! It’s unfair. 

  I’m sick of life. But life doesn’t wanna change. No matter how much I try. And pray. And hope. And trust me. I do. 

  Can someone just be a real mate? Or a decent guy? 
No okay. 

I need to just… blah. 

What is happiness?

   Do you know how to be happy? Send me tips as I have no fucking clue! All I want is happiness but all I get it sadness… I get left behind and forgotten, I’m such a burden and going nowhere in life. Everytime I try and change shite… it just gets worse. I mean surely it should end and just give me something good in life? 28 years and I am just… going nowhere.

  Yes. I do have friends. But they’re not proper ones as I always say. Only wanna see me for nights out. Or when it suits them. Oh and lets not forget that if I aint the one to message first then nobody bothers with me. So yeah. In my eyes. Not real mates. 

  I’m gonna be single forever when I wish I could find someone. But hope is lost. Too much hoping. 

  Loneliness is what hurts me. 

  I just want to be happy. 

Friday 18 June 2021

Need to stay away…

   Yep, I do… from alcohol! I mean. I don’t have a stop. It’s either drink and drink too much or not at all. And I need to stick to not drinking! 

  During the drinking and the day after it’s bloody beautiful being pain free which is why I end up drinking loads… most people have no idea of the pain I deal with daily, so yeah me being shit faced helps with that. But I need to stop, the hangovers are bad, I get bad withdrawal too. I get hot and cold, I shake, my body can’t function, my head hurts… but still pain free till that night comes then the pain is slowly creeping it’s way forward. I also need to stop because mentally throws me west. Depression kicks in. Loneliness. Overthinking and thinking. It just makes me an emotional mess. Well. More of an emotional mess! I realise that I will not find anyone. Nope. And it gets to me. I’ve accepted it. But as I have said before it still hits me and I get sad. Like, why don’t I deserve to be with someone? Why do I deserve to be alone forever? It’s a sucky feeling. Honestly. 

  Anyway, I needed to rant. But as I’ve said before nobody rant too as I have no mates who would help and listen, obviously no guy. Gonna go sleep and hope I dream that better life. Because quite frankly, I hate mine. 

Tuesday 15 June 2021

I’m always ignored if I DO reply…

  So it’s rare I bother with people tbh. When I do though? People just ignore fuck out of me. And it’s like any wonder why i don’t bother??? Why do people suck so much! I literally do not know any decent person near me. I promise you. Full of asshats and selfish cunts. 

  This week seems to be dragging, probably because I want Thursday and Sunday haha, the quiz nights. Only time I see any humans, even though I have no real mates and end up alone πŸ˜‚. But I guess it’s just good to be out. Even thought my body punishes me for being out of bed! 

  I heard lockdown is extended, again? What a joke. England is the only country that has done this and for so fucking long… any wonder why I actually hate England? You really cannot blame me. Awful place. Awful people. Awful shows. Awful music. Blah. Get me to America haha. 

  I know I’ve pushed myself lately… immune system is shot so I have a damn coldsore. Great. Only time will tell when I get the cold the people in the house have! 

  Well anyway. Just needed to vent. But you know me, I have nobody to even message ha. So me blogging. Talking to myself. Like I’ve said before nobody really read the blog anyway! 

 Till next time I need to talk. 

Monday 14 June 2021

Being forgotten, being left behind.

   It sucks. It does. We all know I have no proper friends. But to see others, ones you thought once were becoming happy and settling down... and I’m just like, ‘hey, hello, I’m still a burden at home’, nobody wants me, all I do is lay in bed... it’s all an awful feeling, being lonely, being alone, being forgotten, being left behind... all of these together. And well. Your head is pretty bashed. 

  I mean, I don’t think I want kids tbh, that’s not for me. But finding someone would be great. Living life would be great. Having friends. 

  Seems that isn’t for me though! Blah. I know I repeat myself. But my mind is all over the place. I just want to be happy. I just want love. I just want to be illness free. I just want to stop crying. 

  I’m not happy, nor do I think I ever will. Not when I cannot find someone and cannot seem to have good mates. Silly, maybe. 

  I’m always forgotten. I’m always left behind. I’m always unwanted. 

I don’t know why I’m alive, really, nobody would miss me, I promise. 

Sunday 13 June 2021

The mind doesn’t shhhh!

   So. It’s 5.17am and I am struggling to sleep since you know- it’s night time haha! Well. Anyway. I’m kinda pissed off at Social Media... Instagram to be exact. They’ve removed me. Again! But the appeal forms are currently broken. What a joke. Hopefully I’ll get it back. Soon! 

  I’ve had that lovely vaccine... and I don’t know if I had side effects... as the ‘very common’ ones are my usual thanks to the damn illnesses I put up with. I know the arm is a tad sore, heavy, and it’s increased my headaches, and it’s also made me dizzy, like vertigo! Do what I do best. Pop pills. Cocodomol or paracetomol haha. Whatever. 

  Okay let’s get emosh. Basically whenever I ask the Universe for help... I get none. Every time I ask for a sign to live or die... I always get the sign to give the fuck up, and I won’t lie with my life not getting better, I’m tempted to just give up. I’ll be honest. I’ve still given up. But. I would love to have proper real mates. And I would love to find a guy. I would love to have love. But yeah, isn’t for me is it? And before people say go out and get it. I have tried. Trust me. I have fucking tried. It’s getting to the point now where I jumped off the cliff and holding on over the edge...

  I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Saturday 12 June 2021

Time to talk to myself, again.

  Hey myself! Since noone really reads my blog! Ha. So I’m sat here watching my stuff... and like I wish I had someone talk too! But as always I do not. So time to vent here and yeah.. talk to my fucking self. 

  As I’ve said, I’ve accepted the no friends and never finding anyone.... but doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck! Hell. I would love to have decent mates who actually check up on me, who would actually wanna do things that doesn’t just involve a night out and drinking. I mean. I don’t mind nights out as I am a night person... but drinking isn’t something I want to do! Not always anyway. Doesn’t even hit me no more. I wish I could find someone. But everyone just on about pointless bangs or already taken and cheating... as I’ve said I don’t even bloody talk to anyone.... I just miss having someone. Friends or relationship. Either. Both. Either. Both. But that’s not the case for me. Neither. Neither. Neither. And by hell I’ve tried. 

  Dating is a sucky thing these days! I’m banned from most the damn apps... yet also don’t get out much because of my great illness. Nobody wants me anyway unless they’re the pests commenting on every hot chicks post. Or they’re taken and haven’t been getting laid. Or they’re bored. I dunno. 

  Loneliness been hitting me soooo hard today, thank god for the cats! But constantly checking my phone and just having nobody to message gets... tedious? Loneliness is a thing. It really is. And I suffer it so much. Most of the time. Alot of the time. I prefer the numb side of my head, no cares! 

  I had that covid vaccine today... now with my CFS, I don’t know if I got any symptoms really... as the list is my daily symptoms! The only thing different? The fact I’m dizzy and sickly... probably vertigo? These aint even listed on the symptoms! But it’s happening. Can’t move without it hitting! At the clinic someone fainted... that was scary to see, I’ve heard the next one is worse... I’m hoping that doesn’t bloody happen to me!! 

  I wish I was rich and/or better with money. Literally no sales right now on OF or IWC, and it’s stressing me out as I’m right on the end of my overdraft, trying not to extend it but no money! Where’s some rich guy take al the problems away? Friendship, relationship and money! Hahaha. I dream of it. Anyway. That’s all I got. Dreaming! If ya’ll wanna help get those sales in pls haha, or if you wanna cheer me up... wishlist!

  I really am so fat, I shit you not it’s getting to me abit. But at the same time... I like food. But I’m also fat. Fat and food don’t go. I always so no wonder nobody wants me... but I always get pied off for fat people so why am I not finding anyone?! Ha. I sound so mean. I’m sorry. I know size and looks don’t matter not truly. And I mean size doesn’t. I fell for someone bigger, the only thing is I can’t have someone skinny... as I’m afraid my fat self would kill them, that’s a thing. Why am I so damn shallow when I aint even totally attractive myself. God sake. Maybe it would be better being blind. Woulf stress me out though. I can’t enjoy the little things that make my life bearable. Oh shutup Abby. 

  Anyway. I guess I got some thoughts out then. I’m still emotional. Lonely. Alone. But not much to be done I guess. I wish I had real mates. I wish I had a guy. But yeah. Not going to happen. That ship has sailed. That hope has gone. That empty wishing is done with. Just me and the cats. 16 of them. Yep. Crazy cat lady. Oh well. I just had to vent my thoughts again. To myself. 

  Oh, and... everyone leaves. Which gets me down. With the loneliness. Always get left behind. Always get forgotten. Why do I bother?

Friday 11 June 2021

There’s more...

  Been sat thinking about the last post and been like, ‘hold on there’s stuff I forgot!’ So instead of Facebook though, it’s just gonna be here. I mean, why not. Like I’ve said most wouldn’t even read what I say, anyway. So let’s go. Again. 

  I have some skin condition on my head me, I say my head because it is literally just my scalp, ears and face. Mostly scalp and ears. Tried many things for both. Nothing works at all. Don’t try and suggest. I’ve probably tried it. I have scabs sometimes in my head as I will literally sit itching or scraping my scalp. Sometimes I do it too much and it hurts! As for the ears they’re just as bad with fuck all to help, Especially the inside of my ears, forever making them swell and get infected from too much itching! It’s gotten worse though as it used be just the inside but now it’s outside too. And face. Well. Face aint so bad, it itches. It burns. And if I have a flare up I get dry patches. I must put about 10 moisturers on daily. Again nothing works too well. I’m still driven mad with itchiness and burning, ohh and not forgetting the redness! But I’m used to shit having no cure or proper help. It’s just the fucking normal for me, isn’t it! Can’t sleep when writing this due to me itching my scalp off- but I won’t be posting yet as more I wanna say... just wanna vent about how itchy I am hahaha! I mean, I do get itchy skin all over but it’s the worst there. And since it’s getting worse all the time, no doubt it won’t be long till my body starts to itch. Lord save me. It drives me fucking crazy. 

  I should be used to the lonely and alone life thinking about things. I’ve never had true mates. Ever. I mean I did have one close friend... but then high school started and I lost her that much was obvious and then I proceeded to jump from group to group during dinners etc, I was such a damn nerd. But because my memory only seems to remember the past well- I remember the most then. Hey, those were the start of my mental problems. Especially with BPD, blowing up people’s phones. Especially if I didn’t get a reply in seconds, and getting the great nickname of stalker! I was obsessed with a lot of the guys in the year above. But me being a loner and ugly I only lost my V when I left school. And I had no confidence in High School either. Of course, leaving I chased those old crushes and I can say some of them have been under me hahaha. I hated High School. But I crave to do it again and be popular, but at the same time it makes you don’t it. The shite you go through. Coz of course I was bullied as well. I remember one asshat messaging me a few years ago on Bumble saying ‘you’re still the pale weirdo you was in school’. Like being pale is an actual fucking insult. I can promise you all now- I don’t suit a tan or being orange. But I’m also fucking wonderful as I’m colourful as fuck. Haha. 

  Let’s touch base on the friends thing again. They see my posts. They see my cries for help. But do one of them bother to message first and reach out? Naa. This is why I say I have no mates. Not truly. I have people I see and/or speak to on occasion. That’s it. Haha. I try. Hell. I really do. But it just seems that the North West of England just has assholes! 

  I’m a nail biter. Tried everything I can to stop but just doesn’t happen. I have actually done it since I was about 7! Tbh though, I got fat hands, me and all my sisters have. I do not suit nails! Couldn’t even wear a ring haha! 

  Constant pain does not seem nice right? I can confirm it’s fucking awful. But when awake you get soooo used to it. When I sleep and then I wake up the pain and exhaustion hits like a damn brick. Because being asleep you can’t really feel it. I literally have not much relief. It’s why I became a mini alcoholic with cocodomol... both makes me numb but blacks me out! Honestly I shit you not. I know fuck all but the pain. Before I got diagnosed and knew CFS existed I just thought it was the normal you know? Like everyone has a sore back, everyone has arms that hurt if they do anything. But then I found out what it is... and I’m just like so it’s not normal to be in this pain all the time? It’s just me?! And nothing really helps? Oh. Right then. I guess I’ll just have to keep putting up with this shit. I mean, to be honest, I am kinda used to it. Mainly. But then, when it’s bad it brings tears to my eyes, it sucks honestly. 

  Alot of people wonder how I manage. And say they’d not manage. That I’m strong. And all this. And I guess they’re right. But why the hell do I have to be strong? When people just get good things handed to them! Guys always cheat, yet get all the happy endings. I’ve had chicks forgive the guy, blame me, then get back with them. Even had one get married to him! Though I think that was coz she was pregnant. But each to their own. 

  Guys suck, sorry not sorry! I have two exes, and then everyone else just guys with broken promises and acting like together till ‘someone better’ comes along  and so my little heart is constantly broken! So yeah, I no longer how to be with a guy... I hate humans and prefer cats! My first love, and probably only one I truly loved proper messed me up... I know what it is to love  but no fucking clue how to be loved, as nobody has ever loved me, that’s a fact! That first ex was emotionally abusive, and yeah, just don’t have a damn clue! Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to find SOMEONE, but I just don’t think that’s gonna happen for me, honestly, only ugly guys hit on me, and about 89% of them already are married or taken! Yes I know looks are not everything, but they play a big part as I’m clearly into the looks, sometimes I wish I was blind! 

  I’m trying not to nap right now. So gonna head off and get myself in Sims. There’s more I need to say... but at the moment I just cannot think! So keep an eye out ehh. 

Thursday 10 June 2021

Facebook post to Blog post

   Hi guys! So if you have me on Facebook I had a huge rant... and I thought I would copy and paste here as it’s a deep one. So here you go guys...



This is gonna be an essay type status. And then I’m just not gonna post for a couple days (well maybe some selfies!)... as Social Media, it’s just effort. I miss Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Piczo, and black and white mobiles to play snake on and never have credit on... everything was simple. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­.

Okay. So yeahh. I know I can tend to moan alot. And I’m sorry! Haha. I guess I’m like Kanye... can’t hold back with the updating πŸ˜‚πŸ‘€. 

So, I know I post alot about my illness for one. For those wondering, as always. What I have. CFS/ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and can never spell the other πŸ˜‚. BUT not just this, I have illnesses within the illness... Fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, RLS, suspected BPD, most definitely chronic loneliness (yep it’s a thing!) and no- I will not stop mentioning about being disabled and not looking as it totally needs more awareness! Stomach problems. I’m in constant pain. Doing stuff makes my body shut down. I no longer can work atm. I can’t work out either which really gets to me- I’m such a mini chunk and I miss being my skinny self. I literally lost 4 stone a few years ago, kept it off till I super declined with my illness. I just want to be able work out. And actually work. And I try with the working out. But yeah. Blah. So much I go through. I can’t even explain. Every case is different. Every person handles it different. There isn’t a cure. Or real help. 

Yeah I am lonely. And alone. I have friends sure. But do I have the close friends? True friends? I dunno. It’s always me who makes the damn effort, if I don’t I won’t hear from them. I’m always the one paying. Well. Mostly. Does anyone truly know me? Do they fuck haha. And as for guys... do not get me started. Single six and a half years. Without sex for one and a half. I don’t even know how to be with a guy. My exes fucked me up, and actually every male I ever encountered. If I’m honest with that one! I can honestly say I don’t know how to be with a guy anymore. I mean my first ex was controlling and emotionally abusive etc. I have accepted that I probably will never find anyone to be with. And that’s okay. Just would be nice to yanno. Hmm. Would also be nice have a friendship like those I see with others, someone who’d just pop round if I was on a downer, who’d be there, no matter what. 

I told you this would be a long one! Are you still reading? Probably not. 

I’m trying you know guys. I may not post the positive statuses or whatever but I do sit here and I’ll say to myself that it will get better. I’ll pray. I’ll hope. But it just doesn’t seem to happen. I started practising witchcraft too. I have a tiny tiny bit of hope, but I am losing it. And that part of me just wants to jump off a bridge. Or cliff. But it scares me. Them thoughts. Because not existing is a damn scary thought. I would prefer to live forever. But immortality isn’t a thing. 

I’m addicted to cocodomol. Not mentally. Just the body. I’m trying not to take so much... but with the pain I’m in... it’s hard. It hurts to even lift my phone sometimes, my book when I’m reading, in fact reading a book actually bruises my hands where I’m holding itπŸ˜‚. 

I have the little things in life that make things a tad better... quiz nights (even if I end up alone, which is alot of the time as I get left), they also are pretty much only time I go out or see anyone or speak to anyone. I have my cats, 16, proper crazy cat lady but no fucks. I would not be here without them. Trust me. They make life bearable. Take the lonely feeling away abit. I have my books, which I read alot of. I mean so far this year I’ve read nearly 80 books already! (Just sucks when the illness is on one I can’t concentrate on anything. I just have to sit there!). I have my TV shows- totally a sucker for reality TV. American TV is the best and the British is the worst. We had good shows in the past... I mean everyone knows how obsessed I am with Skins! And even Hollyoaks used to be bloody decent! But these days? American beats them all. I have my gaming... I’m obsessed with Fallout, and Sims, but so many other games, hate online tbh, only really play Fallout 76 which is online. I have my music too, my Kanye, Cudi, Vic Mensa, and all the rest. I absolutely love how Vic actually replies and RTs my stuff. 93 babies gotta stick together! Oh. And family. That’s a bit of a complicated one. I live at home. Still. Yes. At 28 I’m still home in a tiny damn room. My mum, sisters and nephew are here too. Three sisters. But, sometimes we don’t get along, would love my own place etc, and I feel like a huge burden... because I need help. Thankfully never been stuff too much. Just help with the cats. Help make sure I eat. I stopped working and working out to stop the decline being as fast as it was being... and now I’m in a kind of okay place where I am managing to go downstairs, and eat, which is good. But like I said I miss work and working out especially with me being a chunk now! I am trying to work out more. Again. And let’s hope I get a good weight again. I flit between 10 and 11 stone. I have rolls. Blah. But I also like sugar and food. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­. Cannot win. But I will do this. Hopefully. Went off subject but basically feel a burden to the fam I do have active in my life.

Something you probably don’t know about me- I want to write my own book. I did like nearly finish one then lost my head... that was in 2016, I am determined to finish. But, I also have other ideas and I think I’m going to start those. I want to write based on Skins, everyone who’s watched it knows about the damn cliffhangers, I wanna tie those off use my imagination etc. I miss that show!! I was thinking of doing that with Waterloo Road too... at the beginning with Chlo and Mika! 

I’m just going on now right? But. Basically. I know I’m a head case. I’m not always negative, promise. I just tend to rant on here as I have nobody to fucking rant too. As the lack of friends, being single forever, and lack of fam and feeling how I do with the ones I have 🀷‍♀️. I actually dislike people and do not know too much of a decent person in this area that I am in. Would love to move away. Why can’t I bloody be rich?! Would make life easy! Yeah- I’m also materialistic! A little. Money does make me happy. I have spending issues though. 

Currently -£350 in my bank. Like fml πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜­. But yeah would totally pack up and move with the cats and get more cats and not worry about money, oh and travel again! I mean. I mostly spend time in bed in the hotel but yeah. I would still like to travel. Before covid I went three places in 2019, I need to save and travel again. Hopefully. I’d hire some people to find an illness cure. Just yeah. But won’t happen unless I win the lottery ehh. 

People ask me about OF all the time and IWC. I will tell you abit about that... a guy once contacted me asking to buy me gifts and would empty my wishlist but then he disappeared. Then I found out about Financial Domination... and carried it on. But that only lasts a little bit of time. Unless you have millions of followers. So then I saw a site called iwantclips, and I started being on this five years ago, then I joined onlyfans a year later. And I’ve been on since. I don’t make as much as others say they do and buying their own houses. I mean shit. I’m highly into the minus. But I’ve done it too long it’s just normal to me. I don’t really do findom no more- that doesn’t work when nobody wants that and too many ‘newbies’, which sucks as I miss Amazon turning up and my list being emptied! πŸ˜‚. Which then has me going and putting myself more in minus buying stuff myself off my list πŸ˜‚. Oops. 

I live in a fantasy world, within my books etc, as reality is lonely, reality is hard. All I want is to be happy. And I’m trying. My illness limits my life. And that sucks. Loneliness consumes me. That sucks too. But I’m still here and I wanna finish the books, at least. I wanna love my cats and be here for them. My head needs to stop being split... with half wanting to be gone and the other wanting me to live forever. Such a complicated mind, ehh. And only myself to talk too. 

Anyway. That’s the end of this giant status and me venting my head off, probably delete it, nobody probably read it, or at least not all, but if you did? Let me know ehh? I’d be curious.  

Goodnight all, πŸ’‹

Monday 31 May 2021


   I have decided to write again. I do have a book MOSTLY done. But I’m still stuck. But I have new ideas. Starting with doing my own stories from skins, those lose ends are about to un loosen by my mind. 

I hope that I succeed- I love the show Skins alot! And it’s obvious it won’t be returning and those lose ends properly not coming back. 

  So, watch this space and cross your fingers. 

Friday 28 May 2021

Tuesday 27 April 2021

Mentally Fucked it.

  I’m on one mentally again. I mean, I’m so down. I don’t want to post too much though and make you guys on a downer. Basically... I’m sick of being sick. Fed up of being alone and lonely. And trust me, I truly have nobody in this life. No guys want me. Friends are friends... sure, sort of. I’m back to not wanting to be alive. Wanting to live in a dream world. Anything. Nothing. 

I cannot. 

Friday 9 April 2021

Jumbled Thoughts.

   Hey guys! 

  So. I’ve given up me. I honestly don’t think I’m meant to have a partner in this life. I just have to make do. Loneliness hits me. But I’ll just hide from the world and my phone. Game. Push myself to be sicker and exhausted. Because then I sleep! I mean, I do tend to get bad dreams though, reminded of the past, but every so often I’ll get a great dream where I wanna stay! Or there’s just blackness. Which isn’t so bad. 

  The blackness though... is that what it’s like to die? It’s a scary thought to be honest. You’re just gone. Which is why I’m still here. Because it’s scary. My god. 

  So I have friends. But not anyone that’s my ‘best friend’ or anyone I’d trust with my life. Sorry if you’re reading this. But when I’m the only one who reaches out etc... yeah them thoughts happen. It’s fine. Again. Accepting it. Just get emotional when I’m lonely. 

  I’m still pretty much alone. I know it. 

 My cats are the best thing for me, if it wasn’t for them... let’s say being scared to die wouldn’t even come into it! I’d be gone. They’re my comfort! Cats are cute as. I dunno how anyone can hate them! 

  I’m kinda proud of myself. Yes we all know how shit my illnesses are... and if not read my other posts! But yeah point, I’m proud of myself. Why? I’ve managed to work out abit for a few days AND not nap so much! Not much to a healthy person... but it’s super great. For me. I mean my head is hurting more... more painkillers... I feel like shit. But I’ve gotten so fat. I need to lose some chunk. Maybe then someone will want me, jokes told you... accepted that I aint finding anyone. 

  I’m done bothering trying to find someone. Because yeah. Not happening. You’re meant to go out and get what you want... but it just isn’t happening. I’ve been trying. I’m actually just done. Me alone forever, okay then! I mean. I don’t need a guy. I can sort myself out sexually and when it comes to having someone. I just need myself. And my cats. And my fantasy world. 

  Yeah, I’m still pretty much in my fantasy world. My shows. Gaming. Reading. Can’t beat it. The world is awful. Just wish I could jump in one of them and be a Vampire or a Goddess. Now that’d be good. Coz no matter what I don’t think supernatural beings exist. And if they do... they need to come forward! 

  Yet again I’m shadow banned on Socials, barey any sales. -£300 in my bank. Think I need help with spending to be honest. But buying things cheers me up. Such a damn dangerous habit! 

  Yeah, bet this blog is confusing. I’m basically talking to myself. By typing. As I don’t have anyone to really talk too. So all my jumbled thoughts are currently being laid out. In random order. Hahaha. 

  Currently sat here with a headache! I’m watching seeking sister wife... I don’t know how they do it. But at the same time... I’m kinda like I kinda think I would as not only do you have a guy, but you have a woman as a friend too.. and let’s be real, 99% of males are cheats. I get chatted up the most in life by ugly guys, old guys who look older. Or taken guys. Rarely a hot guy hits on me. But yeah, if they do about 90% of those are taken. But yeah let’s be real, they have a guy, and a friend... which isn’t so bad. But for me... it’s just I get insanely jealous. 

  I’m definately sure I have BPD, I turn psycho, I am a mini one, I get so jealous, and then if I get ignored I pester fuck out of them... even though I don’t wanna do that. But I just can’t stop it. So there’s me being a psycho again and then they block me hahaha. 

  Bordeling psycho. You’ll see me locked up one day in a mental place. Smuggling cats in and just being crazy in a room... ohh wait. That’s me now. 

  How great is gaming! Just done the both The Evil Within... absolutely loved them both! Shame there’s no more... but it’s obvious some of the same people made resident evil 7, and the next one is out next month! But there’s also the dishonored I didn’t know about so that game! Fallout 76 updates again soon, I’ve also got Outriders... but then there are other games I haven’t done yet, I liked them but I didn’t like them, if you got me! Yeah, I’m a gamer!

  I’m so thankful I have my mum. Like honestly would not cope without her. I don’t think I’ll ever manage to move out. The whole needing help, not working, blah. It’s shit. I wish I was rich. I really do. Money and spending makes me happier! And I’d be able move out of the shit North West England, and get my own place and have all the cats in the world! Ugh. Rich people help me out haha. 

  Okay. I think I need read and wind down. My heads all spinny and like I’ve had a harpoon into my head. 

So thanks for reading if you did. 

Sunday 28 March 2021

Mentally Mad.

  So, we all know by now I have depression. But honestly. I have more. It’s quite obvious. I mean, I’m crazy. I’m a legit mental ball of fire. I turn psycho if you ignore me. If you reject me. If you mess me about. I hold grudges and will hurt ten times as much. 

  Looking online I came across BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. And well when you know you know. I was right about the rest. It wouldn’r surprise me if I had it too. I have every damn symptom except seeing thjngs and hearing things. Maybe I’ get that one day who knows. 

  I know I’m crazy. I push people away with the craziness and I just have no damn clue what to do! 

Thursday 11 March 2021

Hey Guys.

   I don’t even think anyone even reads my blogs anymore. But. I’m shadowbanned on Facebook. Again. So me trying to vent will just make that last longer. 

  I really am in two minds thanks to depression or whatever mental shit that goes on in my mind. I mean one minute I’m getting scared at dying, at the thought of not being here no more, at being forgotten and wanting to live forever so I can see how the world turns out.... But the next? I’m thinking of ways to end it. Because what’s the point in me? I’m not living anyway! People always say ‘oh but you’re so popular’ blah blah. Yeah. Online. To an extent. I’m public because of sales etc. But I could easily be without Social Media. Easily. It ruins everything. In fact everything to do with online shit does. Let’s be honest. 

  I miss the past, my mind literally fantasises about it. My first love. Having friends. Well what I thought were friends. Carefree. Less sick. You get the idea. But not just that since declining there’s not much I remember anymore. And I’m being serious. 

  Have you ever been lonely? Have you ever been alone? Then you’ll see how I feel. I mean sure I have friends. But they don’t check in, or wanna see me, or message me unless I do. I couldn’t trust anyone with my life tbh. And it’s just jumped up lately just how much I have nobody in this damn world. I spend my days doing the same things. Game, read, watch shit, and alot of sleeping and resting. Barely speak to anyone. Don’t really see anyone. I have my mum and my sisters but they don’t understand it is with my CFS etc. They don’t believe me. Well my sisters don’t and it’s frustrating. I’ve been single now a god awful long time. I try and try to find someone, I know I don’t need anyone, I know. I’m just sick of being on my own. Who wants to live a short life completley alone?! Especially with my condition. But I’m a hopeless romantic. And I can honestly say I go in too deep, too fast, and I fall fast. Whenever I’m into someone I think about if I could see myself having a future. And I think wow I may be right. But then I end up fucked over. Because guys just don’t fucking care. Yes. Guys comment on my shit, yes they want me, but they’re the type of guys commenting on every hot chicks Socials hoping one would let them slip through. Sorry but not here! Oh and not just that they’re also already taken or married and wanting a side piece. 

  The happiest ones with someone happen to be the worst kind of people. Maybe I should be more of a cunt. 

  I’m happy with my own company. And there are most times when I’ve accepted it. Me being single forever bed ridden and alone. And also having no real mates. I don’t need anyone. I have my little bubble. But it’s just every so often shit gets to me and I’m like. Shit. Is this really it for me? Living my life through books, tv shows, and gaming? Honestly seems it. I think it is the case. I mean no matter what I do nobody wants to be in my life. And it’s not much of a loss since it’s always been me putting in the effort. And for bloody years I’ve been the one paying for friends. And because I don’t anymore... yeah. Says shit don’t it eh. And yeah. Guys mess me about. Not happy with one female ever. Even sometimes they mess around with guys. It’s like they really do stick their dick in anything they can. Seriously. I’ve been seeing guys. Fucked them. And they’ll message other chicks... next to me. I know I’m a paranoid mess. I know I get crazy. And jealous. But guys are the reason I’m crazy. And loneliness. Loneliness drives the best of us nuts. And that aint no lie. 

  I get jealous of all the shows I watch and the books I read. Not just because they have someone love wise. But the fact they also have die hard friends in their stories. I mean watching Firefly Lane. To have a friendship as deep and brilliant as that... just wow. My envy and jealousy is super. Even though it isn’t real. I wish I could have that. But I’ve never had that. I thought I had friends as a kid. But like now they weren’t real. Most of them are actually still mates. And you get me don’t see or speak to any of them or anyone. Over the years I’ve met people. Not one person has stayed. And I’ve done so much for people in my life. And now I finally put my foot down and think only of me I’m selfish or whatever. And you know what. I don’t even care. If you’re one of those friends... you ignored me when it counted so get lost. 

  This is becoming quite an essay aint it? Oh well. I need to vent. I’m so lonely and alone that I don’t have anyone to vent too. So why not just vent to myself in a way typing it down then posting and nobody will even read it?! It’s already made me feel better. Got some more to go though... ha. 

  If I could I’d just up and move away from here. The North West of England breeds cunts. I’m not even joking. The people in this area are fucking awful. But. Money is the first issue. I’m addicted to spending. I mean. I only end up buying clothes I never wear (since I don’t go out), or books (but I have 300 unread) and games. And then end up buying food and cat stuff which is actually needed but yeah. I live in my overdraft. I’m like minus 400. And I’m itching to just spend some more. It makes me feel better haha. Another reason I couldn’t would be my illness and me occasionally needing help. My mum works alot. But she’s also still looking after me. I’m 28 soon, so yeah, I’m a complete and utter burden. Another last reason? The cats. I have 13 right now. And I can honestly say they’re my only constant in my life with love. If I had no cats I don’t think I’d still be fighting. In fact I know it. They’ll see me sad and I’ll get cuddles off them. And if it’s Ruby kisses too hahaha. Sad aint it. Only affection I get is off cats. But I do love them. Could literally talk loads about cats haha. 

  You’re probably one or among those that tell me to ‘stop being picky so you’ll find someone’ and to ‘stop being shallow etc’ I wish i could. I have tried to be with people I don’t find attractive and it’s just a no. Even if I’m to face life alone I’d rather that then try and have another person that I am to lie too and try and keep happy whilst I’d be miserable and not wanting to touch them etc. And trust me again.. been there and tried. I should be drunk forever. I have no standards pissed and tell everyone I fancy them and want them etc πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Amount of times I’ve done that and then I’m like sorry but I blacked out and I don’t fancy you. I feel horrible but is what it is. So yeah. No settling for me. Kind of accepting this loneliness and being alone anyhow at this rate. Not like I have a choice. 

  No, I don’t really have fam either. Just my mum. And sisters. And nephew. Sort of. But yeah giant burden. 

  I started to write books, and I have plenty of ideas. And I want to get back to that again... but I cannot for the life of me find the motivation. I know I could write some great books. But I think I just need a motivation boost. I do read alot myself. So having my own book written? That’d be great for me. I’ve always been an avid reader. From primary school. Nothing beats a good book. It separates my time. All the small things I do does. 

  Working. Well. I haven’t worked now in over two years. And hell I fucking miss it. I think about it so much and just yeah... I wish I was still there. Bar work is bloody brilliant. Even if I was a moody cunt. I did love my job. It was my life. My social life. But I couldn’t cope. My body couldn’t. So I ended up becoming a mini alcoholic when working to cope and actually manage the full night. Until eventually things got too bad. It’s a blessing in disguise though, I don’t drink no more tbh, but yeah. I miss it so much. And I know I couldn’t work in most bars in Wigan, owner by the same silly cunts who think they’re better than everyone else. I mean there’s a couple places I’d like too. But my body still beats me up whenever I move out of bed! Which brings me too... I also miss working out. Don’t get me wrong. I try and I try. Like I’ve just done like 4 days straight... but today had to stop, as my whole body is shaking even when I’m just sat here. And well it just pushes my pain worse too. Oh to be fucking normal. So many take shit for granted. Whoever chooses the lazy life and chooses not to work and not to move etc needs a slap. 

  I mean yes, I do all the online stuff, but I’ve done it for soooo long, and it is a huge graft. Especially for someone like me when it can be hard to move. Had a couple guys complaining other day coz I don’t dress up or I’m in bed... because guys I always am in bed and why should I dress up all time?! Haha. I've been in Iwantclips since 2016, and onlyfans since 2017. Also a findomme, when it suits as I cba doing much haha. But I also have a spending addiction which makes it shite. I mean like I said I’m in the minus me, and not making wnough sales atm... because yet again social media has shadowbanned me. That means I can post but nothing gets seen. Pile of bullshit really. Social Media is too damn sensitive! Get kids off it completely and anyone who’s butt hurt easily then we have it good haha. 

  Okay. I’ve typed alot. And I need to sleep. But one last point I want to talk about. Something everyone moans at me for doing. My illness. I can assure you it’s real guys. Even if I don’t look it. Even though you’re only sick if you have cancer these days. Cancer is awful. Yes. But there are meds and chances to recover from cases... whereas with my CFS, I don’t have that option. I’ve taken cocodomol daily for the past two years. And it still doesn’t fully work for me. Just lessens the pain. Which has actually gotten so shitty. My cats will come lay on me and I have to stop myself from crying because even that hurts me. When I try my working out. Even worse. But it also knocks me west for a few days. Like I literally cannot wake up for long. I’m literally asleep for days or just laying here to recover from a single workout. Something I used to do daily. Something I used to do alongside working. And I even had an office job as well as the bar work at some point so full time, part time, and working out. Oh snd up till I was about 17/18 I would walk everywhere. High School I’d walk to town then home, which is actually a pretty long stretch, from where I live now to the a couple towns over, just yeah I used to be so active but now? Even just walking to the damn toilet can tire me out. Actually. Even just being in fuckong bed tires me out. I’m typing all this and my arms are literally screaming at me. And my legs because my cat Cookie is lay on them. Always have people tel me not to go on about being sick but it’s just me venting and getting the illness air time. Because not alot of people have a fucking clue about it. Like I said I’m even still doubted to this day! I wish I was lying about it. I wish I was healthy asf. But na I aint. I catch everything going because I have no immune system, I mean I even got two UTI’s in a month lately. And they fucking kill. Sick of being me. Sick of being sick. Yet there’s no cure and no fucking help. In fact even doctors are ignorant as fuck. There is only one doctor I’ll go too. But yeah. I’m just worsening all the fucking time. I have some sort of skin condition which has ben getting worse lately. And I blame my illness. For the lack of imine system. I’m even scared and doubting to get this ‘covid jab’ as I’ve heard how sick it’s made people... even more so for people with my illness. Blah. WAKE UP. Silent illnesses are real. And they’re just as deadly. I mean, I’m not living. Not one bit. This isn’t a life. I’m not alive. And that’s why thoughts turn to ending it all. Because I’m not even alive when I am.

  Anyhow. That rant is over. And it’s time for me to sleep. Not like anyone gives a fuck haha. Just wish for happiness, either finally finding myself a guy, not arsed about mates tbh, they suck around here anyway, or better yet being rich haha. Anyone who says money don’t buy happiness is a lie. Hence why I’m constantly addicted to spending haha. And living in the minus. Maybe one day. Maybe one day they’ll even have some proper help for CFS, mot just all this damn ignorance. Oh yeah. I have a potty mouth. Can you tell?! Haha. Oh and please don’t tell me stop being negative, be postive  blah  that shit it bullshit because I’ve fucking tried  you know what happens? I get my hopes up. I hope and think it’s gonna happen now  then it doesn’t and I’m crushed more! Hella shit!

  I’m not living, but I want too, but I also want to be done with life because I have pretty much no hope left, I’m just meant to be alone and lonely, I’m just meant to be a burden, I’m just meant to be sick, and I’m just meant to be unhappy... 

  Cannot believe I’m almost 28 as well! Nobody celebrate with, I don’t get gifts, I get them myself, and I still feel like a teen since I’m still a burden, still living at home, oh and my mental state still living in the past, save me God, or send me to Heaven  

  Anyhow. Goodnight. Till I need another rant. 

Monday 18 January 2021

New Leaf...

   Okay, short but sweet, deleted a bunch of Blog posts... and well 2021 is the year everything changes or I do give up.

  Time to find what I want, who I want, time to be a better person, time to think better, make more effort. 

 My illness ruins my life... but I’m still here and bed only isn’t gonna cut it. Need to travel again, need to find love, need to have friends and rebuild. 

  I can do this.