Sunday 21 August 2016

Why do I even bother?

  Seriously. I just don't have a clue why I even bother with the opposite sex. They are honestly all the fucking same were I live, yet can't afford to move away, it is a fucking ball ache! I mean. What does it take to someone I'm interested in be interested back without them playing me? Or wanting 7372637 girls.
  I mean I don't mind sharing if I have too. I'm used to that, as I have had to share every guy I have ever got invloved with... But cmon at least be fucking honest about. That's all I ask. But noooo males want to lie and lie and lie.
  I don't know what a decent male is out of friendship. I really don't but even then friends leave as everyone leaves. I'm definately cursed. Everyone I have ever cared about has left my life, fucked me over.
  Why do I bother? I don't have a clue.
  Feel like becoming a player and using men at this rate. Not for sex, I aint no slag. But like to get out of the house maybe.
  I wish I was wasn't here.

Tuesday 16 August 2016

Fantastic... Not.

  So I just had a nap. Hoping to feel like myself again... But naaa. Life is still fucking against me. My eyes are focusing a little bit better at least this time... Honestly. With my illness. I wouldn't even wish it upon someone I really fucking hate. And that is saying something. I mean. Sleep never helps but you need a fucking lot. My body constantly aches. It just isn't fucking fair.
  My depression is still making me feel like shit too. I actually just feel so lonely and alone. One of those days when I miss having someone of the opposite sex... But at the same time know it is for the best know it is a good job I will forever be single. I mean I'm such a fucking burden.
  Don't bother saying 'you'll find someone' I realised that will never be the case. Too many fuckboys, and males just never seem to grow up. Always fucking boys!!
  I should of been born in the 60s for the romance when it still fucking existed and when most males would be faithful and romantic... Well. I hope anyway. It seems it. I mean. Never has someone bought me flowers just for the sake out to be all cute and shit. It isn't fair.
  The Financial Domination thing is still slow as well, literally constant timewasters... And it's like just don't. I like gifts. And if you say you will buy yoi should. Not just get my goddamn hopes up as I can't spoil myself. But yet there are a few people who around here have copied me and doing well. I so wish I hadn't been so public about it. Because then I wouldn't of been copied.
  On about being copied... It always happens. Like alot. I mean I'm myself. Yet no other fucker is.
  I wish I could work full time still. I miss having money. Always being busy. Too busy to worry about fucktards that fuck me over. I miss having alot of money too.
  I should continue to write but recently my energy really hasn't been so good. Been so up and down. Not able to sleep at night, sleeping all day, and if I wake up too early I get about 728373 more symptoms of my illness... But yet sleep never fucking helps either.
  I wish I wasn't so picky with men, but at the same time... I have to be. I don't want to just settle just because. Like everyone around here popping out like 60 kids. I never want kids. I really feel so strong about that, I don't get broody for humans.... I get broody for cats... But my mum won't let me get anymore... And I can't afford to move out.
  So much shit goes on in my mind it makes me crazy. I want someone. I don't. It's bullshit. Loneliness hurts me. You'll probably be sat there like wtf is she on. I'll tell ya... Hating life and going through too much. Everyone leaves. One of the strongest statements written on my body, and one of the truest.
  Why was I born into a horrible place with the worst people ever? Comstantly fucked over by humans? Having some of my cats die? Abused? Some other shit I'm not ready to come out with yet but absolutely fucking ruined me? Why was I given my illnesses? Why do I have to fight all the fucking time with myself? Life isn't fair with me. I have never known true happiness. And I never will.

Yep, I still hate life and wish I wasn't here.

One of those days.

Okay. Since yet again I feel like I can't turn to anyone... I guess I'm back to my blog to vent aint I. I mean god knows.
  So I woke up this morning and my depression felt the need to hit me and make me feel like absolute shit today. I just feel so empty and unhappy, it really fucking sucks. When I have a touch or feel of happiness it gets taken from me, and it's starting to really piss me off. Someone who controls the life shit really has it in for me I swear to god. Giving me illnesses, having me fucked over all the time. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
  I'm talking shit I know. My illnesses are really shitty right now. My CFS also has decided to give me a fucking bad day... Literally so tired, so sore, my head is killing me, my eyes are tired, I feel extremely fucking sick... I just wish I didn't have this illness anymore.
  In fact, today is legit one of those days where I wish I wasn't here... I mean what the actual fuck is the point? I have noone or nothing to live for.
  Normally people buying things cheers me up... But not today, not like I have any anyway, they've all disappeared again, it's fucking annoying. Just because there are so many dommes and not enough payers, and the idiots keep paying fakes instead of me. I've realised now though I actually have been doing this for more than a year! got my dates mixed up I guess.
  My sex drive pisses me off aswell you know. I mean always turned on but no decent males that can just fuck me and they can't even keep up with me. I never used to be like this, I wonder why I'm like this all of a sudden. It's ridiculous.
  My mood today is crazy and all over the place. My heart hurts today because I'm in a shit mood. I just want to be happy. I wish the universe would just listen to me and stop givig me bad fucking luck. Life bores me. People bores me. I just don't want to be here. I can't wait for something to push me completely over the fucking edge.

Friday 12 August 2016

High School shit.

  At the end of the last post I said I would post another post regarding when I started High School. So here you go.
  I started in St Mary's before going to Lowton. And I was there for a year and a half. Me and my 'best friend'. I was ugly till I was 18 I'd say but even then I'm still ugly hahaha! So yeah when I was in St Mary's. I vaguely remember some parts yet again, just the bad shit. Hahaha. Ugh. There was this one little prick who made my life hell, back then I could never put on weight and I used to eat soooo bloody much. So my nickname off this guy was 'anorexic'. And it was awful because obviously everyone else joined in. I literally had nobody. Jumping from person to person for someone to hang with so I didn't look so much of a loser, even though I walked into a bin once :'). I used to fance someone really bad and I gave him a valentines card... What did he do? Laugh in my face and ripped it up. Making my confidence from 0 to -53837. Grim!
  The 'best friend' of mine said she was leaving Mary's for Lowton. I basically followed her. Bring on a few more years of hell at High School. When I first started my 'best friend' had a new best friend... So now there was a Trio, except I was the one they always shut out, invite each other, but missed me out sometimes. That sucked. The guys in my year were never interested... In fact noone was interested in me. Just like now really. With my massive ears, long thin brown hair, I couldn't blame then! I hadn't even filled out either till the last couple of years of school when I turned chubster ha. I got bullied off pretty much everyone. And after year 8? I literally had to jump from group to group as these two best mates had turned popular, so yet again I had to hang with anyone who would. Loner life was intense. Boring. I used to have to stop myself crying daily. It was bad.
  And then there was the first actual 'love interest' which lasted about a week. He basically used me to make his ex jealous... Then got back with his ex... But it was fun while it lasted... Except I got hurt, madly. I got called 'stalker' for a while because of my over-texting of the guys from the year above... It wasn't my fault. I felt ignored. And I'll be honest. I still do it now the 'over text'!  Basically. I still got bullied in High School. The 'popular' lot used to laugh in my face. It wasn't very nice. I had noone, in the end I used to just spend my days pratically on my own. I used to also cut myself I hated being bullied that much, it was awful. I'm not proud of doing what I did, but obviously my depression has been around for a very long time. Just like my CFS. I hated High School. Lowton High breeds cunts. I swear to god. If someone from that school is reading this and you know you bullied me... Guess what? You're still pathetic and I know because a bunch of you still try and bully me. Grow up.
  The only good thing about my High School years were my home life until we moved house again. The fact about kids 5-18 all being able to hang out and shit, it was good. I miss those days. I mean what isn't to like about a massive group playing manhunt, or kick a ball and hide? Or even bulldog! But even then. Because this group was big, and others joined us from not so far sometimes it could get dramatic, and yeah I felt the brunt of it. Like there was one guy in the street everyone used to be in love with... But he played us all, like literally was seeing us all at once. It was hilarious, and me being crazy used to always kick off ha. But back then I wasn't the strong person I am today. So I didn't exactly kick off. People used to call me names.
  Playscheme was fun then, no longer existing anywhere I don't think but it was fun. It was basically a group were they organised outings for the kids. Camelot, Southport even a field with a blow up slide once and other stuff. Kids were allowed to be kids then. No shitty Social Media stopping us! They should bring them back.
  I guess even back then guys played me... I mean the kid who got off with every girl on the street, the guy in High School, oh and there was the one at the top of the street who I used to think the world of, till he cut me out. Like a few years back I found out the truth for that... He had fucked my friend. Even though I never had sex till after I left school I still got played.
  The bullying was the worst thing for me. The bigger shit happened after. (Read previous posts).
God knows what I think of to post next... But I will and I'll keep you updated.

More things that made me, me.

  Since people are actually reading my blogs these days. I thought I would write another post! About my childhood/teen days.... How I can say that I have always been lonely and alone. Never really having proper friends in a way, I don't know...
  I started off living in Westleigh, obviously going to that primary school for the first few years of my life. I had friends. But I didn't. Obviously because I was so young I only remember parts, just like everyone would. Unless they have some super memory type shit! Haha.
  I remember having a group of friends, well sort of anyway, they all came to my birthday parties when that was a thing. I also had two other mates, one I'm sort of still in touch with the other one? No idea. Back then I remember with these two, one was obsessed with horses, she had a gigantic back garden as well, as she had a birthday party once at her house, the other girl I remember doing 'bloody mary' in the toilet the rushing out the toilet so I 'didn't die'. Funny the shit you do isn't it! Back to the group, they were nice at first... Then shit got bad. The older brother of one of the girls bullied me really badly. And because I used to have to go there after school to wait for my mum, so it was unavoidable. He used to lock me under the stairs (i was scared of the dark extremely back then) and I'd be crying so much, yet his 'parents' never even stopped him or noticed, neither did the sister who I was a friend with. It was horrifying, he probably did more, in fact I'm sure he did but I remember being under these stairs crying my heart out. And then there was one time he scared me so much I actually peed myself... Yeah. Embarassing for me. And then back to this group, there was this one guy who got me to steal pokemon cards off two of the girls in the group. He took half. Till the next day, he shover them all back to me... Because he had 'grassed me up' and made it look like it was me who just stole them. You could of guessed what happened then... Yep, they all fucking bullied me in this group. Pushing me around, calling me names. It was fucking awful. But then we finally moved house. And thankfully. I no longer had to put up with these at this school.
  I moved to a better place, in a way anyway. I remember the new primary school wasn'r as bad. I don't actually think I was bullied here. Well nothing too bad or I would have remembered. Like I had with the first school and the 'friends' I had there. It was kinda peaceful, handstands, playing with other kids, playing marbles, my god I miss being a kid, and I wouldn't want to be a kid from this generation, they're all rats consumed by technology. I miss the good days. I do remember reading all the lower key stage books too soon and having to go to the later books and reading through all them too, such a bloody nerd, and I still am now. I also like used to ace spelling tests. I was brilliant as a nerd in this school. I acted once too, and it made me realise I am not cut out for in front of a camera in that way. Too self conscious.
  I could sing back then too, I had a 'best friend' back then before we started high school and others got in the middle of us and we used to go to hers or ours and sing our hearts out and she used to be jealous because I was the only one who could the high notes for a very long time... Now I haven't clue how I sound now. I also won a trophy once at Kareoke. Only thing I ever won till I won a fee bets and books!
  The street I lived on was brilliant too. I mean when I was in Primary school there was just a few kids who would come out but once it was High School so many kids used to come out between the ages of 5-18. It was ridiculous. And amazing how such an isolated street brought together the kids.
  After the shitty start at the shit primary school & area full of nasty people, life got better when we moved. But then I got older. And I started High School, and it got worse again... But that will be in the next post. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday 9 August 2016

Never ending flip in emotions.

  The title says it all I guess. I've been amazing all day... And I sit here? I'm almost in tears yet again thinking.
  I don't know what it is but my emotions love to flip from to the other and it proper fucks me up. All I want is to be happy, but it seems impossible.
  Money and cats are the only think to make me happy. I mean don't get me wrong. Love would also make me happy... But what is the point? I mean I have never in my life met a loyal male when it comes to me. In fact sometimes to others as well. It's just a giant ball of being unloyal. If I begin to see someone I worry they'll fuck me off... In fact they always do. It makes me feel not good enough. I mean sure I can be a little crazy... But isn't everyone? I mean only reason I get crazy is when a guy ignores me, or they're like 'there isn't anyone else' when you've told them to tell you if there is... But yet they do have someone else. And they always go for the other girl, then they split. And they come straight back to me... Any wonder why I'm head fucked? I'd understand if I was easy... But I'm far fucking from it! Anyway. I have accepted that love from humans is impossible, I always love, and never am loved back. In my eyes anyway. I don't even care.
  As I sit here with tears in my eyes Mumble came and cuddled and kissed me. I think he knows when his human mummy needs comfort, only animal love is th love I'll get... But hey I don't really mind. My cats have been babied so they're loyal (mostly Eric and Mumble, they even come to me before food to say hello when they come in, strange for cats as they normally go for food right away). My cats are my babies... I don't want real babies, ever. I don't think I could cope. My illness would be worse, I could pass it on, and I couldn't deal being a single parent!!
  Money? I don't live on much. £60 a week. I am able to put some money aside once a fortnight though which is good. It's why I love the Financial Domination thing. I love getting money and gifts off those willing to give... I mean who wouldn't? Especially when you cannot spoil yourself due to no longer being able to work full time, and you don'r recieve birthday or christmas presents anymore. 23 and too old to celebrate really! So the whole financial domination thing is fun for me. But it can be annoying when idiots don't understand the thing then are like 'what do you do for them?'  You need to read this, and read it carefully, THEY GET A KICK OUT OF SENDING ME MONEY.
  My life really is pointless.  I sleep all week, I work weekends... Go out the occasional Sunday, repeat, repeat, when will I ever be okay?
I just know I am supposed to be alone and lonely with my cats and living at home forever due to not being able to work and not wanting to take off the government... Like everyone else, especially the ones who pop out kids for benefits it's very annoying.
  Know another thing that really ticks me off? When people tell me I don't deserve anyone for posting my body, and calling me a slut, I mean. I am pretty sure sluts sleep around... But me? I'm like a fucking virgin pretty much. I'd rather fuck one person than a whole bunch of them. I prefer to build a connection... Otherwise I just do not enjoy sex. And me not deservig anyone is bullshit... I mean if I was a model it would be okay. But truth is I'm not comfortable others taking my photos... Or I would have gone for it.

Love has to be off the list... As I will never have that. Maybe I will have a sex buddy. But naaaa. Love isn't on the cards and to be quite honest I am glad... who wants love really? It rips you apart and nothing lasts!
Money is half on, half off, because I just about cope with that £60 a week, and this financial domination is very touch and go because there are so many dommes and little paypigs... I mean the idiots even pay fakes and them cry about it. It's not hard to tell a fake. So anything I do get when I am approached is good fun, so that is why it's on and off since people buying are not constant. And that Amazon Wishlist trick is fucking annoying... If you're not gonna buy don't. Don't pretend too that's wose! Get your hopes up for fuck all.
Cats is the one fully on my list... They love me and are loyal. What more could I ask for?!

 I don't have much to look forward to in life to be honest. Just little things. Like;
My next tattoo (managed to save enough for it)
Seeing a strip show in October
And then heading back to Newcastle in April for my birthday...

Not much hey.

My illnesses don't help. CFS/ME and depression. I'm always fighting. Always. I never have a break. I mean my body feels like it's being pricked with needles constantly. And after work? My god it's even worse. It is like a knife is slicing my body up bit by bit. I dread the day the ME/CFS gets worse. I don't think I could cope with being in a wheelchair. I don't know. Depression makes me think emotionally. Think about how easier It would be if I wasn't here...

See what I mean? I'm always fighting my illnesses.

A long blog post... That probably won't get read. But hey. I have to vent somehow rigt? And since I wouldn't want to burden people... I do it on a fucking blog post!


Wednesday 3 August 2016

I prefer it when I'm okay.

As the title says... I prefer when I'm okay. My version of okay is literally being emotionless... I'm getting more and more days like this and I think it's because I don't bother anymore. With anyone. I mean what is the point? Noone is fucked about me. They always act like they do, but were are they on my goddamn down days?! They are not around.

If I could choose I would always be heartless and emotionless only showing affection for my cats... Wasy way way easier. I'd rather sit and talk to my cats now. These days people can barely keep a conversation!! Or they do then out of nowhere? Disappear.

It's annoying. Very annoying. My illness makes it impossible for me to live a normal life. I have to sleep alot, simple things can exhaust me wnd make me crash, I mean I do have a high sex drive, which should of actually gone but never had... But what use is having a sex drive when noone to fulfill those needs much and you aren't even easy.

I had a friend the other day tell me how it was weird that I had pretty much never had a best friend, but it's true. I mean, I have never fully trusted anyone. Or noone stuck around long enough.

In my eyes I still stick by 'everyone leaves' because they do.