Sunday 1 December 2019

Living with ME/CFS, and a whole bunch of shite.

  Hey! I probably have done a post like this- but I have so many. And well, this illness and then others I have (illnesses within my main illness I call it!) they all still need awareness. And sadly, that will hardly change. We live in such an ignorant world. Girls still can’t be sexy without being told they’re sluts. Porn is a sin. Women should wear outfits that cover all parts of their bodies. Tattoos should be illegal. Etc, etx. The world sucks. Well. Humanity does. Anyway. Going off topic here. I’ll like sub-title the various illnesses. Talk about them. I’ll do my ‘main’ illness last I think.

RLS (restless legs syndrome). 
  Okay, restless legs syndrome. One of the mildest of my lot. Which is why I thought I’d start with this. Quick and easy you know haha. Well like I said mine aint so bad. I only have the fact that I need to move my legs, mainly when asleep. I have had twitching in my legs, but not had any kicking out etc, yet. Since you know, all my illnesses will just get worse and worse. It’s manageable- stay sober! I mean, alcohol really kicks it off. I was once ‘pedalling’ in my bed and my sister was like wtf you doing. But yeah, it’s not so bad at the moment. And since I aint drinking (well trying, pretty sure I’ve been an alcohol trying to cope), it’s manageable more than ever. Like I said. Only really kicks off at night, and not always. Just need to move my legs. Stretch them. Whatever. Nothing helps mind. Not really. Just have to grin and bear it... buttttt that’s what I have to do with them all! 

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). 
  Another one that’s easily managed. Well, it was. Lately, it seems to be kicking off with cramping... a lot! This one isn’t so silent. Alot of people tend to have this. Or at least know of this. It’s one of my most known shitty illnesses. It is manageable, everything kicks it off at some point, just good and bad days and whether this wanna kick off or not. The main thing that does set this off, anything spicy. Which sucks I used to love spicy stuff... till yeah it got worse haha. I mean, I still go for it sometimes, garlic and onions mainly, and they’re not so bad and don’t always kick it up. Oooo. Antoher reason I don’t wanna drink. I drink? My ibs isn’t my friend for at least a week. When I last drank, I couldn’t eat for a week. Pointless. Would be straight toilet. Now that sucked. Like I said. Manageable. Mostly. 

  Okay. We’ll start with this one for the silent illnesses. I mean it’s highly know. Just highly fucking ignored! At the moment me dealing with this isn’t good. I’m mentally fucked. Mentally crazy. Mentally drained. Why? Because I’m 26 years old and I’m a goddamn burden. Especially because of the CFS/ME/Fibro... but more of that in the next one haha. But yeah mentally not good at the moment. I must cry daily. I mean, I’m crying right now. It just sucks to be in my situation. I should be living, out there, moved out, have friends, have someone... but instead no. I have noone. I mean, I do have my mum, sisters, nephew and my 12 furry ball cats. And I am thankful. But I’ve gotten good at hiding my sadness from them. Trust me- they’ve no clue I cry all the time. Just how I want it. Us depression lot are good at hiding. In fact not just with the family I have... wanna know something? You can hide it from everyone and anyone. It’s easy when you’re in company. It’s when you’re completely alone and by yourself that you break. For all you who follow me Social Media. You would have seen my posts lately. Loneliness is my main issue. Always get ‘you’re so pretty/attractive to be lonely’. Lol. Looks don’t mean shit. Not when I’m in a place full of assholes. I mean. Most this area have no clue about me, but because of my business I’m a slut and a horrible person. Na. I’m fucking great. In fact I’m that great I get walked over by shitty mates and guys. BUT  thankfully my depression does not take a hit against people and their abusive irrelevant hurtful comments, which is a good thing. You hear how people like me can’t cope that way. But my depression is deeply... on others and not myself. Well. A little myself. I mean there are days when I’m thinking I’m ugly. But then I realise heck I aint. The fact that I’m also nice too, if you are deserving!yeah. My depression is largely because I have no real mates who give a fuck and that I feel I can talk too and let loose everything in my fucked up mind. Noone truly knows me. Maybe I don’t either haha. I mean for example, my Social posts lately screaming out for these so called mates to reach out. Till I snapped and told a couple that they were shit mates and selfish. They tried to swing it saying I was the shit mate and I was like ‘who is the one who fucking messages and replies and isn’t ignorant.. ME!’ They didn’t like it but I’m done pussy footing and putting others first when I’m not appreciated! Not only that but guys really do fuck me around. Take the last guy I was seeing. Said at first it was sex. Which was fine. But he knew I was getting feelings, started even saying I was ‘wifey material’ he ‘missed me’ and that all I needed was him. And well, if that aint a head fuck I don’t know what is. After a couple of months he turned round and was like ‘I want a girlfriend, just not you’. Oh I’m still fucking hurt over that. He’s now seeing someone knew. While my sex drive has gone to shit. (Again anyone who got me on Socials know I have a high sex drive and constantly horny haha, one thing that wasn’t effected by my mental state till now). Sounds silly but I know if I had actual real true friends, or a boyfriend, wishful thinking for both... I would be okay. I mean, Everytime I date someone. Or it seems someone is my mate. I’m completely okay. But my head doesn’t wanna accept me being lonely and alone. I’ve always had it this way though. Never had decent mates. Just jumped from person to person to see who would let me chill with them. My childhood friend I thought we were close but that was all fake too... waiting to replace me as soon as high school started. I’m just fed up of being treated like shite. I still try and search for someone like my ex, which is a big hit on my depression too. Love really messes with you. I really would have rather never to have loved. Ever. I mean, noone has loved me, so why should I have loved?? It’s unfair. Honestly. What I mean is my ex I loved him completely. Still do. I would go back in a heartbeat because of my loneliness. In fact every time he’s single he knows this and bloody gets in touch. But yeah. He never loved me. In fact. He’s one of those that does not know real love. He moved on from every girlfriend within a few days. Even admitted himself he doesn’t like to be alone. Then you get me, had one boyfriend since, loved him too, but I just couldn’t forget my ex. He broke me. But he was emotionally abusive, almost would of been physical, but I snapped and got out. But yeah. I do actually go towards those emotionally abusive ones then wonder why the fuck I’m so fucked up. Oh depression. It’s hard to deal with. But people need to be more open about it. It’s still considered weak in my eyes though if you admit it. But then suicide rates are higher. I mean, I’m mentally suicidal. But do you know I’m scared to die. Because you’re just gone. If I got over that. I wouldn’t be here. Trust me. And I don’t wanna be here. Well, have my mind wants to continue dreaming, hoping, fighting and live forever. Then the other half is the complete opposite. My dark side. My light side. Depression is super complicated and hurts yourself. I’m currently on 200mg Sertraline. But they’re clearly not working so well anymore. But what am I to do..? I’ll change the pills. But I’m gonna wait till after Paris, because they made me ill starting and when I upped my dose, and wel. Travelling is already hard to do. It’s a much needed break though. Very needed. Wow. Depression hits me hard. I wanna be normal. The bad thoughts to go. 

CFS/ME/Fibro (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Fibromyalgia.
  Okay. Last one. Well ones. I mean CFS/ME are the same. And Fibro is something different, BUT they’re also basically the same. It’s bloody confusing, right? Now try dealing with them! Haha. CFS is the main illness of mine. The first one. It got worse after splitting with my last ex and working full and part time. So basically 7 days a week (actually miss that). I’d be losing my voice 24/7, getting tonsillitis every other week.. that’s when I knew something was wrong. Took me a year get diagnosed. And a change of doctors. I was happy to finally be told what was up, but broken because there is no cure and I’m only gonna get worse, and that is proving to be happening. Fibro is kind of like CFS, but I’d say the more pain side is the Fibro! That’s what’s been said anyway. Of course this bad physical side will effect my mental side. I mean like I said in depression, I’m a burden. Now. Let me get into that for you. I’m 26. I’m living at home. I’m barely out of bed. I struggle sometimes to make it downstairs. I struggle sometimes to make myself food. I struggle to simply move. I know there are people worse off than me. Everyone is different. But we’re all fighting. Our own battles. Mainly by ourselves. Because we have nobody. Nobody understands unless they have it. For years I’ve had ‘mates’ tell me stop exaggerating, to ‘get a job’ to ‘get outside’. Not just mates but randoms too. But it hurts off those mates more because they should be supporting me. Not making me feel useless. Just because they aint seen how bad I can get. It sucks. I’m a burden for my mum because well, I can’t do much. And I’m at that age where I should be helping more. But yeah, it’s hard. I’ve collapsed a few times. And my legs feel heavy and weak and like they may snap at the knees. Before I got bad I used to work out daily. 20 mins at home. But I lost so much weight and felt great... then of course now I can’t. I miss my muscles. I miss working out. It made me feel better mentally and physically. Now I’m so weak. I struggle with doing my makeup. I have to lean on pillows and prop my arms up. Don’t even get me started on my head. Lately felt like my head needs to be propped up as i struggle to keep it up. Like, it can start to droop or whatever. My speech slurs. My words come out the wrong way. If I cut myself I need to get it covered or I’ll not stop bleeding, maybe get infected. I once fell over and had the smallest cut on my shin, but it got infected. And to this day it still aches ha. So clearly I don’t heal well. I mean when I had a cancer op on my vagina  that also aches. Bruising? That happens easily too. I’m in constant pain anyway. Mainly my arms as they’re used most. But my legs. And if it’s a really bad day my joints and just feel like crying. In fact I do cry. But yeah. Don’t let noone know or see. Inmiss being young and having more energy then this. No matter what I do. I’m tired and hurting. I said I was getting worse. And I am every day. If I go out obviously my illnesses are gonna be super shitty can maybe last an hour then my head hurts, and my head droops, and I just can’t concentrate. I need my bed. Which of course contributes to that pesky loneliness of mine. I thought I had something up with my side. Turns out just the illness. Had the flu twice already. Anything thy at gets up with me that’s ‘new’ more than likely the illnesses hating on me again. Dating is hard. I mean obviously gonna be online I have to meet someone. But yeah, it’s hard. Last date I had to turn round and be like ‘you need to take me home, I feel sick’. I’ve had plenty guys pie me off for being riddled with illnesses. And it just brings me back to my loneliness and being alone... I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone. Not with being so sick. And getting worse every second. I just want to feel human again. But I feel like a shell. My life isn’t lived. My little happiness tends to be gaming and reading and watching stuff... but sometimes I can’t even do that. And those days are happening more and more. It’s really sucky to be me. And as my Doc said ‘it’s not gonna get better just worse’. I’ve taken cocodomol every day for about 8 months. Maybe longer. Would honestly be fucked without. Sometimes of course they don’t work. And I stupidly just take more. But ‘because I’m young’ they won’t give me anything else’. Which sucks. Death by pills wouldn’t happen. I mean I can take like 12 even more and just be knocked out for a couple of hours. It’s weird because I feel my heart both fighting and wanting to give up. Weird sensation. How do I cope with the CFS/Fibro? Resting 24/7. And sleeping. It’s not fun. And because ‘I don’t look sick’. I get people trying to say I’m faking it or just simply being arses and trying to belittle and bully. NO YOU WILL NOT GET TO ME! Also, those stupid comments ‘but just try this’ ‘work out’ ‘eat this’ ‘everyone gets tired’ ‘oh I have what you have because I’m tired’. Just. Behave. You’d know if you suffered. It makes life unbearable. It hurts. Blah. 

  Okay. I’m done for now talking about them. If you read this, could you share it? Let’s get silent illnesses more awareness. I’m so thankful for my cats and the small family support. But heck, loneliness and getting worse daily is really taking a hit. I don’t know how much fight I have left. Or if I will finally getting over being scared to die etc. I know I’m never gonna find anyone. And it sucks I’m surrounded by fake friends and selfish people.
  For all you other warriors, how do you cope? Are you as mentally fucked as me? Or how in the hell do you stay positive? I think I need some help and advice to stay strong. My fight isn’t as good and I’m just not strong anymore.
  Oh and how can I forget. Music helps me a little too. I would not know what to do without my music. Especially my mains, Kid Cudi, Vic Mensa, Kanye and Chance. All but Chance have suffered mentally and that goes through into their music. Especially Cudi and Vic. Their lyrics and music is fantastic. They’re a huge help.

  Thankyou for having a read. Hope you actually read it all. ;).