Wednesday 19 April 2017

Feeling a little better.

  It's been an okay day today. I say okay, because there are those mini moments when my heart kind of hurts at the thought of a lonely life... but I also kept quite busy... I though I'd blog. Just something alright for once and not totally consumed with my dark thoughts. 
  I am trying. And I want to be okay all the time. Even if my loneliness is forever. But that's fine... it is. As long as I have friends who keep me busy, they get me out. My mind is occupied and being single for the rest of my life is the last shitty thing on the mind. My body hurts though, a downside of actually getting out... my body starts to hurt more all over! 
  It was worth it. I choose psyhical pain over my mental pain! Honestly. If you've read my blog, you'll know what I mean. 
  I would also like to say to the person who tried to comment on my last post that I need to go get help? I already have. I'm on pills. But depression is a constant fucking fight and sometimes I just can't fucking help it! I have already been to the doctors, and counsellong isn't for me. And I'm okay with that. I am! 
  There are people out there who are still ungrateful. They have a partner. They can work. They have friends. Yet they cheat. And wish they didn't have to work. And fuck their friends over... like seriously what is with that?! I'm someone who has learnt 'the grass isn't greener' so quit being stupid and appreciate what you have... or I laugh at you when you lost it all. Because you sure as hell fucking deserve that shit. Stupid idiotic humans. 
  It's also another day when I get angry and stressed at this time. Why? Because yet another person writes a status for likes because they got blocked. Yet the ones who comment and like have been blocked for years, or months... like can you get a life? Can you stop obsessing?! Like I don't even know who most of them are... I'd pass them in the street and I still wouldn't know who the hell they are! Like seriously! I never even do a thing wrong. People just don't accept being blocked becauss I can't be fucked with their bullshit, their slyness, I mean. Why the fuck would I? Honestly. Weird things. 
  Less stressing. I need to be totally more numb to every emotion ever! I'm hungry but I can't eat it's past 8pm! Ha. Yeah. I go by that 8pm rule, sometimes I can't, eating has to happen. But hopefully I fall asleep soon... watch a couple more episodes of Party Down South and then yeah, try and sleep. But I just know it will be another night tossing and turning. Stupid insomnia that mixes with my illnesses! 

  I hope you're proud of me of not doing a total downer of a new blog post.,, I'm trying, promise. 

Monday 17 April 2017

Can I just disappear into one of my Fantasy Worlds...?!

  Why does life have to be so shit? So lonely? So utterly heartbreakong? I don't know how long I am able to be strong enough for... the end. My thoughts are always shitty. It sucks. It's like why bother? Well. Actually. I don't bother anymore... just really is no point. Honestly. I'm scared to die. I am. That is the only reason I'm here. But also, I guess there is a tiny part of me that hopes for something better. But it won't happen. It won't. I've accepted it. But every so often when I just think... shit. Therea re those dark thoughts again.
  I do wish I could just disappear into one of my books, or Tv show, or even a fuckong film where they get their happy ending... in fact. I would even hope for the vampire storyline... would be more fun than my life now. Compel people to do whatever the fuck I want. Oh, and would people fuck me over? No they wouldn't. Because they'd just get tortured Vampire style. I wouldn't care. I hope I'd have the emotion switch like in The Vampire Diaries. That would defo be turned off! Only I matter. I would not care about others and ruin them before they ruin me.
  I'm crazy. I know this. I'm fucked up. I'm ruined. I see no way out of thise way my mind thinks and is. I don't care no more. I have accepted I have to leave because I really have noreason to stay. And I tried to have one but everything fails when I try. So why bother keep trying? No. I won't bother. I cba. I can't be fucked. I am done. I just wish I wasn't scared to die. But just one more thing to go wrong and I am gone. Something major.
  I'm just fed up. I wake, I eat, I watch stuff, I nap, I watch more, I sleep, repeating this till the weekend... and then it's the same but it is also when I work. My only social life. I enjoy work. I get out then. But it's just a shame it's when Wigan. The place needs to be nuked. It breeds absolute cunts! I am kind of trying to get out more... but I'm forever pied off, ignored on the day so can'r go... or it's my fault, because my illnesses are totally West and I'm too tired to bother moving.
  My illnesses suck. I just want to be normal! Normal mind, normal body... blah. I wish I was. I mean what would it like to want to live and actually enjoy your life? Or maybe not be tired and sore forever? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I won't know any of it.
  I've become so fucked up because people tend to fuck me over... it all counts you know? What you bellends have done to hurt me, every single moment, wrong doing towards me... it all counts towards these dark thoughts. This unhappiness. And fuck me I've been through so much. There are some things I really want to vent about... but I can't tell anyone that shit. I defo can't blog. I've blogged alot of my shit. But not everything. Not the more damaging ones. Life is unfair you know. It's really unfair.
  People tell me to stop thinking this way but I can't help it... I can't. I have nothing. I have noone. And I haven't ever. I realise that now. I never truly had anyone who gave a shit about me. I've become to realise it. They left. They never stuck around. They forgot about me. Nobody cares about me. So why would you care when I'm dead? They wouldn't. Such a bunch of liars. Such a bunch of cunts.  So many of you have made me feel this way. So empty. So lost. So headfucked. No point in life.
  Know what annoys me though? When these people who fucked me over try to come back in my life. Try and want me again. Like why would I fall for those lies again? Like. I'm not stupid. I aint. Not anymore. I won't let anyone hurt me again. Noone can hurt me but me. Because I've been hurt so much, by so many, they made me feel dead insude. I don't live. I can' live. I won't live. No point to anything anymore. I cry all the time. Every day. Unless I'm numb. I wish I could be numb forever. That will be nice. That would help me.
  I want to hurt everyone one of you who have hurt me. You really fucking deserve it. you're all happy little cunts while I cry daily and just lay here and want to die. My depression is real. And I've had it so long. Just like me CFS really... it hurts me to see those who shouldn't be happy, happy.
  I want my happiness. I wish. I dream. It will never happen. Just like the fact I will never get with someone again. I will never be someones other half. I will never have anything. I will never have anyone. And it's just another shit thing in life that brings on the dark thoughts, the emptiness and hurting of my heart.

  Does anyone even read my posts? Do you ever feel sad because of me? Do you read every word? Try and understand this complicated mind? I would love to know you know if people actually read and rate to anything...

  I just want it all to go away. The pain. The tiredness. The headfuckiness. The dark thoughts. The empty and lost feelings. I want a reason to live. I want somebody to make me want to live again. I want it all to go. And I only see one way out.

Monday 10 April 2017

A little bit positive

  Since my blog probably depresses a lot of people, I thought I would do an ish positive post. As positive as can be for someone who's constantly hurthing and crying. This one will probably not be soooo long as my usual because of the nature of the post for once.
  Okay, well. Basically what have I got to be positive about? The big one is my cats. I currently have six, they're my babies, I could never see myself with kids, never broody, never want them... but cats, wow they're so adorable. I wish they never died though. I miss my Tigger, Patch and Bill. And Felix but I never bonded with him tbh. Cats are adorable. They remind me of me, sleep, eat, repeat... just like me! Except they have better sex lives than me, I don't have a sex life! Seeing nobody, so yep no sex for this one! Haha!
  Another thing? Money in a way. I no longer have to stress about that £60/70 a week from working weekends, since most of the money goes right away, mum, cats, food... etc. But with my clips selling and the Financial Domination stuff? Not so bad, no longer need to worry so much, thank fuck. I mean people always ask me, will I stop? Am i not ashamed? No and no. Not yet anyway. I enjoy not struggling with money, and I enjoy doing what I do. Taking money of guys and then just selling some clips couple of mintues long. The only bad thing, clips sales sometimes go right down, that sucks, buy my clips! Ha. And the Findom stuff? There are not enought actual people who actual pay anymore. Too many fools trying to start it because It's talked about alot, and they never even last long! Ha.
  I don't know. There isn't much else. My friends don't bother unless it suits them, or I pay, I also have to pester everyone of them to get a reply. Guys? Again. Lost cause there. Guys play games. I gave up with you cunts, burn ha. Family? Hm...
  I guess I have my mum and sisters, that's about it for who cares. Well even if they do. Part of me doesn't care. Blah. Okay. Sorry. Positive.

  I'm trying. I want to be okay. I want to be okay. I do, but I try and fail, I need saving, but friends don't wanna know me and guys play games...

  See you soon.