Why does life have to be so shit? So lonely? So utterly heartbreakong? I don't know how long I am able to be strong enough for... the end. My thoughts are always shitty. It sucks. It's like why bother? Well. Actually. I don't bother anymore... just really is no point. Honestly. I'm scared to die. I am. That is the only reason I'm here. But also, I guess there is a tiny part of me that hopes for something better. But it won't happen. It won't. I've accepted it. But every so often when I just think... shit. Therea re those dark thoughts again.
I do wish I could just disappear into one of my books, or Tv show, or even a fuckong film where they get their happy ending... in fact. I would even hope for the vampire storyline... would be more fun than my life now. Compel people to do whatever the fuck I want. Oh, and would people fuck me over? No they wouldn't. Because they'd just get tortured Vampire style. I wouldn't care. I hope I'd have the emotion switch like in The Vampire Diaries. That would defo be turned off! Only I matter. I would not care about others and ruin them before they ruin me.
I'm crazy. I know this. I'm fucked up. I'm ruined. I see no way out of thise way my mind thinks and is. I don't care no more. I have accepted I have to leave because I really have noreason to stay. And I tried to have one but everything fails when I try. So why bother keep trying? No. I won't bother. I cba. I can't be fucked. I am done. I just wish I wasn't scared to die. But just one more thing to go wrong and I am gone. Something major.
I'm just fed up. I wake, I eat, I watch stuff, I nap, I watch more, I sleep, repeating this till the weekend... and then it's the same but it is also when I work. My only social life. I enjoy work. I get out then. But it's just a shame it's when Wigan. The place needs to be nuked. It breeds absolute cunts! I am kind of trying to get out more... but I'm forever pied off, ignored on the day so can'r go... or it's my fault, because my illnesses are totally West and I'm too tired to bother moving.
My illnesses suck. I just want to be normal! Normal mind, normal body... blah. I wish I was. I mean what would it like to want to live and actually enjoy your life? Or maybe not be tired and sore forever? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I won't know any of it.
I've become so fucked up because people tend to fuck me over... it all counts you know? What you bellends have done to hurt me, every single moment, wrong doing towards me... it all counts towards these dark thoughts. This unhappiness. And fuck me I've been through so much. There are some things I really want to vent about... but I can't tell anyone that shit. I defo can't blog. I've blogged alot of my shit. But not everything. Not the more damaging ones. Life is unfair you know. It's really unfair.
People tell me to stop thinking this way but I can't help it... I can't. I have nothing. I have noone. And I haven't ever. I realise that now. I never truly had anyone who gave a shit about me. I've become to realise it. They left. They never stuck around. They forgot about me. Nobody cares about me. So why would you care when I'm dead? They wouldn't. Such a bunch of liars. Such a bunch of cunts. So many of you have made me feel this way. So empty. So lost. So headfucked. No point in life.
Know what annoys me though? When these people who fucked me over try to come back in my life. Try and want me again. Like why would I fall for those lies again? Like. I'm not stupid. I aint. Not anymore. I won't let anyone hurt me again. Noone can hurt me but me. Because I've been hurt so much, by so many, they made me feel dead insude. I don't live. I can' live. I won't live. No point to anything anymore. I cry all the time. Every day. Unless I'm numb. I wish I could be numb forever. That will be nice. That would help me.
I want to hurt everyone one of you who have hurt me. You really fucking deserve it. you're all happy little cunts while I cry daily and just lay here and want to die. My depression is real. And I've had it so long. Just like me CFS really... it hurts me to see those who shouldn't be happy, happy.
I want my happiness. I wish. I dream. It will never happen. Just like the fact I will never get with someone again. I will never be someones other half. I will never have anything. I will never have anyone. And it's just another shit thing in life that brings on the dark thoughts, the emptiness and hurting of my heart.
Does anyone even read my posts? Do you ever feel sad because of me? Do you read every word? Try and understand this complicated mind? I would love to know you know if people actually read and rate to anything...
I just want it all to go away. The pain. The tiredness. The headfuckiness. The dark thoughts. The empty and lost feelings. I want a reason to live. I want somebody to make me want to live again. I want it all to go. And I only see one way out.
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