Monday 28 November 2016

Time for a new post.

   It's been a while. I've just been so fucking tired. I still am. I still find no point in living. I don't get it. I try, I fail, try again. When am I just gonna accept my fate. I am not supposed to ever find someone.
  It always sounds promising... then guess what? There is always someone else, someone better. Fighting myself every day, it's hard. It was manageable because of the pills I was on. Now they have switched them. And now guess what? I'm not feeling life again. I wish I had the balls to give up. I really do.
  People tell me to be thankful for what I have, cheer up,  blah blah blah. But it isn'4 that fuckig easy. Life is a giant ball of mess. I'm so lonely, so alone. But there is nothing for me. Noone for me. It always messes up.
  I get a glimpse of happiness, and then it goes. It's a massive headache. I hate living. I can't even be normal because of the CFS/ME side of things. It kills me off, to always be tired, in pain, along with many other shitty symptoms. It sucks big time.
  What does it take for a male to grow up and actually be a man? Nothing it seems. They just stay boys and never fucking grow up. Always wanting more than one girl. Always being olayers and head fucks. I mean, I haven't got time for that messed up bullshit anymore. If I want you I want you and nobody else... but fuck knows why.
  My patience is going though. I am gonna end up being like a 'boy' and then play the bous around like they do with me. I mean what is the point in being faithful when I am not with anyone? And they do not have the mindset I have... they clearly just want sex. And I mean sex can be good, I have a high sex drive. But I'm done with fighting life alone.

  I have no idea who even reads my blog. Or if anyone even does. But like I have said before. If I need to vent this is how I vent. My shitty blog. I wish I could just up and jump out of life and live in one of my books, films, or TV shows. The ones with good endings and love and being wanted by someone for onxe.

  Maybe life would be easier if there was no life anymore. Life is too much of a fight.

Tuesday 1 November 2016

Even my sleep state of mind fucks me over.

  I don't know what it is but even when I sleep I just seem to live in the past... and if not the past just constant nightmares. One recurring dream that seems so real for quite some time until my mind is going 'this is not real it's okay'. Is the fact that I am back at school, still my age of 23 but they are telling me I am a failure. I have to re do everything and I am never allowed to leave school... i mean that's the past mixed with a nightmare... as I hated school! Full of ignorant ijits.
  The one that gets me the most, the dream I just had, is when I dream of my ex best mate, a male, who I am pretty sure I fell in love with, but I never speak to anymore because he used me thengot a girlfriend. It was really anboying. Is really annoying. He used me at a really vulnerable time... then just broke me even more than I was already fucking broken. I doubt he reads this. I kinda wish he did. But he is too caught up in his little 'perfect' world with his girlfriend who looks like him... (everyone seems to be doing that these days, getting with someone who looks like them hahaha!). But yeah dreaming of him seems to be every so often and it's quite annoying. Last nights dream was that we were on holiday, not together we came seperately but you know met and we were as cool as ever. And we were just in each others life again. So yeah thanks dream world for breaking my heart al over again! Because. I have tried to reach out to the fucker... but noooo he just can't be fucked. The day he becomes single I bet her comes back to me. And I will probably let him.
  Dream world isn't always so bad. When I have good dreams I love it. But it really seems to be nightmares more than anything. I mean just the other week the world was dying and only I was left alive... like what the hell?! Blah.

  On another note my illness seems to be getting worse, pain wise, insomnia wise, barely sleep at night and the pain is getting worse to the point of tears, but yet my doctor will not do fuck all. I'm shattered more. Close to crashing I think... I hope not.
  Loneliness is being alone just proper sucks too...
  I had something else on my mind, but I can not think of it right now, stupid memory fog. I just wish I was okay for once. And happy.