Wednesday 13 December 2017

Help CFS.

  I am fed up. Purely fucking fed up. Why? Every second I’m fighting life literally. I can’t live.  Not anymore. I’m exhausted at trying. I’m so close to just ending it all, I really am. I mean what sort of life is mine? I just sleep. Literally. I just fucking asleep all the time. Literally. All the time. I got out of bed at 1 today. Come 2? I was back in bed and been to sleep till about 5. Now I’m about to eat and I bet I fall asleep again, always happens.
  But then it hits like 10/11pm... and I’m awake and okay. Is it bad that I actually look forward to that? To feeling a tiny bit alive. Even if I’m awake all night?! My god. I’m fed up. Seriously.
  What good am I? What good is my life? There is no good. Just bad. Literally just bullshit I go through. All the time. Every second. I have never got anything good. I just legit get shit after shit, bellend after bellend. It’s so unfair. I deserve happiness. I deserve something good. Yet it’s the bellends who don’t who get it.
  The CFS of mine is the worst. I don’t know how people who are much worse manage to stay alive. Mine is only mild. Steadily getting worse. And I’m so fed up I don’t know anymore. Like. Honestly. I just don’t know.
  I’m strong I know this, but I’m just getting so pissed off. I really can’t live without crashing. I do something end up in bed for days! I haven’t got out of bed since Monday this week. Well obvs in bits, make food, eat, back bed, go for a pee, go back bed. Crap.
  I know I go on about my illness and stuff.... but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome needs more awareness. In fact, it needs more help because there is currently fuck all for this bullshit illness. I mean I have pain pills but they don’t really work anymore. Cocodomol kind of does... but I can’t take that long becauss of the problem of becoming addicted on accident quickly! Paracetomol doesn’t work unless I take loads... which brings me to the fact it’s blatantly fucking up my stomach because it burns all the time.
  I want someone to stop neglecting this illness and actually look into it. I know cancer is bad, I know there are worse. But the thing is more and more people are getting this CFS and more and more people are getting ignored about it because they think it isn’t real and slate it... like, shit, I wish I didn’t exist. I really do. It’s so shitty not being able to do anything. Or doing something and having to sleep for days and hours instead after.
  People always go on about me working part time, going out on a Sunday... but you really need to realise... I sleep for days before. I sleep for days after. That’s how I manage going out. And even then I struggle. I wake and there’s so much pain, always so much pain. Like my muscles are being set on fire and if it’s worse, my joints are being set on fire too... shitty shitty life of mine.

  I don’t know how much longer I can live my life without living anymore, I really don’t. I give up...

Saturday 7 October 2017

Update, update, update.

  So yeah. I haven’t posted in a while. Thought it was only fair if I updated ya’ll again, you know since having no Facebook and I still get people asking about me and being without the bloody site. I have tried to join, and failed. If I’m honest though, mentally it is better for me. No more spying on potential guys finding out how sleazy they are... besides I find that out anyway. I don’t need Facebook. I don’t trust anyone! Ha. Fuck them. Single for life this one and i am really accepting it. All hope is going. I see no point. Honestly. Fuck guys. Just mates, and my cats and my mum. That’s enough. Yeah!
  I’m still headfucked. That seems to be inevitable!! Haha. I changed my pills, that has got to be the best thing ever. My last one helped the pain... BUT they made me put on weight. My depression was bad. These new ones? I already lost some weight, and my depression is hell of a lot better! So thank fuck for that. Alot of people hate being on pills because it makes them numb... but I love them. I love being numb. It’s amazing. Like seriously.
  What else? Hm. Illness is still steadily getting worse. This morning when I got in bed after work was pretty rough, the pain was really fucking bad, I can’t fully describe it! It’s numbed it a little. But not totally. I need sleep right now. Had maybe two hours but my mind won’t turn off. So some shows and sleep when i’m ready too again? I think so! I’m in way more pain. I’m more tired. More symptoms... like a constant headache I keep having atm. Blah. Why no relief for me?!
  It was a tough few weeks changing pills. I had withdrawal from the old ones. The new ones make you unable to eat for a bit... literally didn’t go with my illness. Crashed so bad. Literally would wake for an hour. Sleep for two. Then have a full night on top of that! Hahaha. But I feel better. I feel good. And even my sex drive is back. (Not like I need that since it’s fucking high asf, I should be a man I swear!).
  The Findom and Clips side as always is a little shitty without Facebook. I would love Facebook back just for that fucking reason. We all need money. And I can’t work more. It sucks. It needs to pick the hell back up! 100%! Sort it out guysssss haha. You’ll love my clips. And I deserve to be spoiled really ;)! I’m strugglig moneywise a little coz I want my leg finished by my birthday. Once that’s done. Yey. Can just keep money aside for fuck knows what yet... think I want a nose job tbh with you!
  What else is there to update on? I don’t even think anymore. I can’t hahaha. Numb remember?

Thanks for reading.

Wednesday 30 August 2017

Life Update... Still a complicated mind.

  There is some kind of saying somewhere that says' there is another person to be the other half of a broken person', something like that anyway... but like... how do you even fix a broken person who is meant to be lonely and alone forever? I actually don't have a clue. I'm still such a broken person. And I think I have been all my life. I mean I want love, real love, but these days? That doesn't exist, especially having someone to love you AND being faithful! I have loved, but never been loved, that is one true fact for me and mysef and my fucked up mind. The one thing I believe!
  Okay... life update? God. Nothing happens in my life does it. Just the usual bullshit... boring life doing nothing. Work weekends, using the week to recover, guys fucking my head up, having no real mates to make plans with, to talk too, literally talk to mysef. And my cats. When I had Facebook i'd talk to the fucking bots on there too! Fucking ballache isn't it. I mean. If I had a guy I wouldn't be fucked about no mates. And if I had real mates... I wouldn't be fucked about a guy. Shitty circle... in which I have neither. So this lonely and alone business consumes me, I cry all the fucking time. Not even shitting you.
  I have such a potty mouth me... to think when I was a kid I was scared to swear thinking God and all the adults in the street would strike me down with lightening... and now I swear a lot. My fave word is cunt, because every fucker hates it... and we all know I aint no fucking follower!
  People honestly think I'm talking shit and my illnesses aint real. I tell you now, yes they fucking are. IBS is the most embarassing, but honestly, it's so fucking common you wouldn't believe the amount of people have told me they have it too. Saying 'Irritable Bowel Syndrome' that's an awful name though. I always just say IBS. Another common one is the Depression, it happens, it's real, a lot of people have that too... people who don't have it do not understand. And that's okay, just don't try and belittle someone or bully them for having it... I mean... that shit isn't fair. You don't understand. Don't fucking comment. Keep that stupid mouth shut. Depression is not the person's fault... it gets to me so much, and I can't distract myself too much because of my fucking CFS limiting my shitty life. Which obviously brings me to my main and worst illness... where in fact both my IBS and Depression actually comes from, like, yeah bullshit. CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, BUT also stands for ME which stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis... so yeah before you ask... CFS and ME is the same thing. Now, this is another thing that annoys me, because this illness has barely any fucking awareness (go to a hospital, docs, all the posters and leaflets are for other illnesses... never this). People seem to think it isn't real, even some doctors sit there and tell me 'you're lying'. Honestly, I always say this... but I honestly wish I was. To not be in pain 24/7, to not be tired, and the tiredness never goes and even if you sleep, it's still fucking shitty... headaches when I over do it. More pain when I over do it. Etc, etc... you should google this, there are honestly so many symptoms I would be here all fucking day about it. But yeah, it exists, it frustrates me, I do anything that isn't staying in bed, like go shop, I'm sweating before I even leave my house, so you can imagine how bad it can be when out and or working, it's fucking awful and embarrasing. Like why can't I be normal? It's frustrating. When I slur my words and they come out in the wrong order, fo example I try and say 'I gotta get a move on' and it could possibly comes out like 'move on gotta get'. Not even joking you. Maybe it's a good thing I have nobody, nobody to talk to etc, because then they do not have to face the embarassment of me and the bullshit I have to put up with. It would be nice to have people around me, hut I've accepted it won't happen, It's a selfish fucked up world. My memory is shocking too, not a joke, I forget so much, except like I don't ever forget what I want to forget, I just forget important stuff hahaha. Like the time I forgot my age...
  Now I talk about this every blog, well always everything I do. I mean. I kind of update on certain aspects of my shitty life. Fuck knows why. I aint sure anyone even reads this bullshit. When I had Facebook and I shared it there I had loads of hits... now, not so much... like my clips sales and my Findom related money making. For once? I'm kind of stuck with no money. It won't be for long but it's quite an annoyance. To think if I ever stopped this, or it continued being shit, just how shit my life would be even more... I wouldn't be able to cheer myself up with online gifts, or tattoos, or go out, even though I have to bribe people with money to go out... I defo won't be able to do that! Yeah... Findom... it's a hard thing to be into because there are so many Dommes, there have been so many timewasters and freeloaders. What are they? Just people who tease to pay and don't. My rule is payment first... even if it's a question. Sorry but it's how I roll in that world! I really hope it picks up again soon... I get jealous of the Dommes with like 80k followers or whatever, I only have 3k now on Twitter and 7k on Instagram, but Instagram is more Fitness... but yeah, without my Facebook it's been so hard. No paypigs, not many sales, it's like shit. Facebook... give me my fucking account back! I wish they would. I'm going crazy. Honestly. But anyway end of this paragraph. Below are my payment and clips etc info, just in case you feel like being nice! ;).

  Amazon GC;
  Paypal & Bank; message me and ask (clips) (like a Social Media you pay for, more explicit at times!).

  Okay. What next? Cats?! Hm, well every fucker knows about my love for cats, they're fucking cute. They're all healthy, and needy. Seven cute kitties! I'd have them all if I could... like, all the cats in the world haha. Except those bald onez, I'm sorry but they look nothing like a cat! Bloody hell. Get me some pet penguins too! Haha.
  I've had my whole life a ball of shit. I've never hd true mates who care, never had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about me, in fact nobody has given a shit about me. And it fucking sucks. I wish it would turn over so people would... but life doesn't work like tht, for some reason it keeps giving me bullshit after bullshit. Always getting told it gets better... no thats stupidity to believe and hope because you get it for a second, then boom, bomb goes off lost everything and feel like shit. Like being 24, and I have nothing good going for me. I can't move out because J sometimes need help and I can't fucking work (which is very fucking boring), I have nothing to do at all. Everyone my age... they have about 10 kids by 6 different people, or they're fake in love... like, I know it isn't real but I still get jealous.
  I want to be happy, I want people in my life, and I want them to dtay, not leave like everyone in the past... but they still leave. And i'm still sat here lonely, alone, hating life, don't wanna live, basically because J have nobody and of course my depression... not a good fucking mix. But at the same time I'm used to it. Nothing ever changes, and nobody proves me wrong, nobody sticks around, utter fucking shit.
  I have gained weight. It's made me so paranoid and hating myself more. I was on Citalopram, learned myself not to be hungry much, I lost weight, down to 7 stone... then 8 months ago my pills are changed... to Amitriptilyn, or however you spell it... and I have put on weight. Forever hungry. Sat here writing this and my stomach growled... this will be fun when I take my pills before I got sleep, as I need them tonight. My pain is bad. Like tears bad. Honestly. Fucking CFS. Needs a cure. Needs some help. But fuck all! Okay.. back to subject, I started Raspberry Ketones again, I already have a fast heartbeat... can you imaging what it's like right now?! Of course, faster, feelin weird when it flutters every so often. But I'm just hope they work. I've took them before and they have... but my illness wasn't as bad as it is now, it's still mild but yeah... it's honestly getting worse day by fucking day. Oh forgot to say since it just happened... I go dizzy alot now too. Especially at work, just waiting for me to collapse or faint at work me.
  Okay... so you all know I'm a gamer (if not where the fuck you been?!). My fave game has always been Saints Row at the too... so can you imagine how fucking happy I am for Agents of Mayhem?! Pratically Saints Row 5! Even has Johnny Gat, and also Oleg and Pierce, but they have different names etc and are supposedly different people... but Saints Row fans fucking know the deal! I'm trying to take my time, but I know the end is near these games are always short... I mean the third I completed in about 3/4 days, and that took long because of my ex taking me off it. But the last one? Fucking me lasted me two days, not joking either. Short games, fast gamer. I love story based games. I like to get lost me... in books, shows, films, games, etc... well only those four. Probably why I game, watch stuff and read so fucking much. Well that and the fact I have no life to life, no mates, family, guys, and I can't work unless I wanna make my illness make me bed ridden... because I pratically am most days. I pre ordered Sims 4 for my xbox other day, I'm hoping it's more like the PC version, not the usual console bullshit, if it's not, i won't be playing. Oh well.

  Anyhow. Gonna take my leave. My arms are hurting quite bad from typing and it's making me feel sick. Need to take some pain pills (I always take so many)... but I need them... and then hopefully sleep, if my insomnia part fucking lets me that is.
  Keep following me, follow my social media, and if you're into Findom become a slave 😂


Tuesday 22 August 2017

What happens next?

  The mind is complicated... but sure is the world. The one main thing that has kept me here is the big question 'what happens next? What happens after?' Is that just it then? You're gone and that's it? I'm a big believer in 'next lives, past lives'. But the part that gets me is you never remember the past life you had. I wish you did. So you already learnt some life help stuff etc. I dunno part of me just wants to remember. God knows why. My life sucks. And it always has! Full of cunts. Ha. But like. Does Supernatural exist? I sure as hell know ghosts do... but vampires, werewolves? Hmm. I dunno. I wish they did and I'd love to be a vampire. I think I'd make a great one too tbh.
  Most people don't deserve to remember and go on though tbh, but they're the ones who always get the good stuff and the happiness happen to them. Totally fucking unfair.
  What do you truly believe in? What do you think happens? Curious on other people's views.

  There is something else that I have to write too. I miss so many relationships and so many people from the past. Of course. I'm forgotten by them... but the world hates me and it so that I have fucked up head that fucks me up, makes me overthink, all Sorts. I'm gonna sort of list the people I miss, I don't know why, but for some reason I have too;
KA, KS, BB, RG, MH, SDA, EL, BP, JL, JH, JH, JW, JON, Z, DG, SC, LH, CC, CC, CB... there are more. But I can't really think right now. I have another headache. Which keep happening. Super annoying, honestly. Just another way my illness is getting worse! Blah. Oh, I don't know why I miss the people, i just do. Even though most are arses. In fact. They all are. They all left too, but then everyone leaves in the end!

  Letting people in, it's something I can no longer do, I've done it too much, I've been hurt way too much, and everyone I do start to lower my guard for? They fuck me up too. So tell me... why should I give anyone a chance? Everyone's just a cunt. I swear down.
  I've started wearing crystals, yeah I'm a believer in that shit. The ones I don't ever take off are the necklaces, three charms, ones for love, ones to 'let go' and the third to remove energy blocks ha. Obviously the first two are what I need the most. But I have my bracelets too... but I have about 20
That I wear!! I dunno. Just a little hoping on my part, but I don't know shit anymore. I can't control life and it sucks to be honest.

  No money problems atm, a few sales here and there, but the findom? Just timewasters again. Cats? Got 7 beautiful babies who are healthy and loving. Mood? Head? Kinda mellow now. But I do have my Moments. Still. And I hate those moments. Like empty, mindless head fucked moments where I'm so alone and lonely and it hurts. Guys? What guys? Mates? What mates? Family? What family? All this is just an update I guess since I don't have Facebook no more! Ey my right leg is progressing though, can't wait for it to be done completely! Get me those clips sales (iwantclips & search Abbyy36) orrrr sign up to my onlyfans... Oh and if you're a findom loser, just buy off my wishlist, send me money, you know the usual. Oh. My CFS is still steadily declining. It sucks. But it is what it is. I just miss working out.

  Anyhow. I don't have anything else to say right now. Enjoy the read. Shorter than usual.

Monday 7 August 2017

3.30am... I should blog to myself :').

  Hello you lot! Been a while. And as always, I feel like utter shit. Just another day over wih where I cry myself to sleep because of my loneliness having nobody and a shitty illness what is getting worse second by second, it's so hard work. I'm sat here, well lay, and fuck me my pain is brutal. I've even took ten different pills... but nope. Not worked. I'm trying to avoid cocodomol because I'll know I'll be addicted so need wait a couple days... but this pain, man it's fucking hard. Just thinking about taking every pill I have tbh... maybe that'll give me some release. It's super unfair.
  My head is so fucked you know. Guys just make me worse too they're forever lying to me, playing about, playing games. Just more and more proof I will never find snyone. I'm broken as it is... I don't need more boys to break me even more... I just wish it wasn't the case because honestly... I'm fed up of being hurt. I'm always getting hurt.
  If you follow me social media you'll see I've been going out a hell of a lot. Why? A few reasons tbh...first reason? I'm fed up of being on my own too much, always fucking alone, so I go out. I get left, but who the fuck cares, I'm out not at home, and drinking shots to forget... which I need to stop because that is contributing to me being worse... I mean, literally sleeping all day, more symptoms. But at the same time it's like so what... I won't be doing anything else but sitting in my room watching, reading and occasionally gaming. Talking to myself. Talkig to my cats. Another reason? I'm scared with my illness getting worse that soon I will be in a wheelchair or bed ridden... and I just don't know if I can even handle it. I really don't fucking know. A third reason... it numbs the pain, fuck me, does it. It makes me so happy to be pain free, but then of course when i come off the alcohol it hits me again and I'm back crying. I should just be an alcoholic, maybe it'd be the death of me...
  If you're my lovely stalker from the past two years reading this... please just get over yourself and leave me be. Stop making profiles in my name, and making profiles to try bully me. Everything is being kept evidence... and once that new catfish law comes, I'll be taking it to the police if you continue to happen. Just leave me be yeah?
  I'm happy that my cats are all okay, healthy. And my newest furbaby kitten called Cudi is absolutely heart melting. I love him so much already!! And I'm also happy that my saes for my clips and findom shit it is going good... I'm happy so I can finally get my reight leg done soon too. Hopefully go away at some point too... depends on my illness becausw I'll be going by myself.
  I know full well my fate is to be alone, lonely and single for the rest of my life, it's so fucking obvious... but fuck me... it hurts. Everyone leaves, everyone fucking leaves and I'm hurting so much. I seem to be a lucky charm for everyone me. They talk to me, they go on one meeting with me... then boom! Next week they're with someone who isn't me. Why am i not fucking good enough for these male cunts!! It's unfair. Life is unfair. People are unfair. And everyone wonders why I hate  life and every fucker. Because I haven't met a fucking decent person... that is why!
  I just want to want to live, rather than wake up and just want to walk out my house and jump off a fucking bridge because I'm head fucked and honestly going crazy with how much I constantly get hurt... i give chances to all sorts of types before people try blame me.. they just always lie and stuff.

  I never recovered from my exes emotional abuse. And tbh, I don't think I will because I am constantly still being hurt. So it's all the same fucking story. I'm fed up of being sad, suicidal, I hate I cry every day, mainly at night in bed. I'm broken. And I just wish guys weren't headfucks, cheats, users, players, becauee if they weren't? Life wouldn't be so bad...

...Nobody I want wants me anyway. And no. I won't settle. I'm a burden.


Friday 21 July 2017

A little bit of everything, all the hurt.

  Okay, most stories always have a 'happy ending'. Mine doesn't have that, but I would like to show people my story and struggles and hopefully people in the world won't feel so alone. Me too. Maybe. 

  I have CFS/ME. Depression. And IBS. All of which need to be made more aware of in the world, especially CFS not many know what it is. And to be honest, I have it, but even I don't fully understand. It can be hard work, and my case is only mild. For now. Steadily getting worse. Depression and IBS come with the CFS. There are many symptoms of CFS - here is a link that I found which best describes it - -
So I have a feeling. I have had this illness forever, why? I know I got more tired. I'd have to go bed super early be able get up in the morning for school, but even then it it would be a struggle, but then it steadily got worse and still is getting worse. I researched before going to the doctors, and I just knew I had it, at the time When it first got even worse, I worked full time and part time, I just split from an ex of mine, and this was around 2 & a half years ago. I had to change my doctors, and even now I refuse male doctors because every one of them said I was a liar and all sorts! I finally got my official diagnosis around January 2016... and I was happy that I was right, but gutted, there is no real cure or help, not really. I got referred to an ME clinic, but I stopped going. They just told me to wake up earlier and don't nap... but that is what I struggled with. I know my body better, I know what i can and can't do. I pace myself because I don't know if I could mentally cope being even worse, but at the same time my illness is slowly getting worse. I work part time now, and at first I was okay, but now even that has started to hurt me. I work at a bar in town and I love my job, it has just started to effect me. I will get home and my IBS flares up then I am unable to even sleep till around 11am! It would be nice to have a cure. It really would. Depression, it is an illness most people know of, but it also need consideration and talked about more, it is okay to admit you are not okay, it is an illness and I have fought it from high school. Always the one who is bullied and the loner, and I don't know I went through a lot and my depression just has never gone. People with depression need to be aware of that, it's not nice feeling so alone! 

  Ever since high school I have been bullied, I am now 24 and to this day I still get online trolls every day! In high school I started at one school, and for the first year I stayed there before moving to the next school- but got bullied at both schools. In the first year I was called Anorexic (I never used to put on weight), and dumbo (for big ears). Especially by one guy who started it off then everybody else continued it. It was hard work. But then i moved school... and I guess for a couple years it was okay- the same group of people etc, but then it changed the group split, some became popular. Me? I was a nobody and hung around with whatever person i could find... I was bullied then again too. I liked the guys in the year above, so I'd speak to one, but then I used to overtext, so I got the name 'stalker' everytime someone walked past me they would shout stalker, making me even more friendless. I was bullied by pretty much everyone. and no friends. It sucked. After leaving school, I joined Facebook like everyone else but rarely used it. Lived in my own bubble. Started College and finished and was kind of popular then. Then came the abuse (next paragraph) and I started University... where the bullies hit me at full force again, making me leave University. I was a loner there too. And then, the online trolls started. Using Facebook more etc, and I had a 'popular online presence' I spoke my mind etc, my photos were quite sexy, loads of comments and likes etc, had reached the friend limit, and then had thousands of followers... and that attracted the online trolls. Which still goes on, but I have become immune to it in a way. People trying to belittle me online, calling me all sorts, threatening to 'do me in'. But that's all they are online trolls. So I ignore it now. Doesn't bother me. I get lots of trolls, for me not caring, speaking my mind on statuses, my photos, even petty things like my tattoos because of me not following the crowds and getting ink that means something to me! But I know out there, there are plenty of people who aren't as strong and bullies get to them. So this part of my story I want to tell because if you're bullied you are not alone, choose to ignore it. Keep your head high. Even if you're alone like I am, just try to be strong. They just don't like themselves, jealousy, etc... stay strong. I got removed from Facebook, because of this bullies. Which is wrong as hell. They reported me and bullied me and said stuff like telling me to go and die... yet Facebook had disabled my account, won't reply to my appeals, yet these bullies are still on Social Media. They still say stuff about me too! I wanted Facebook to be able to keep in touch and stuff. Now I have never felt so alone. Pretty much don't speak to anyone. But what can I do. Facebook wrongly removed me, ignored my appeals, and there is mo way to get in touch!

  I have been in love 3 times properly. And I have never been loved. That thought is kind of a heartbreak in itself, to love but not be loved is hard. I never got over my first ex fully (the abusive one, coming up soon!). So when I got with the second ex I wasn't mentally okay. But I did love again. And things point to that he never loved me. I mean he got with someone one week after... it says it all! The third guy? He was my ex best mate. Used me when I was vulnerable, and then mugged me off and completely cut me off. So not only did I get used... I lost my best friend! That hurt. Not only this love three times and not being loved back... I have no real friends, I don't have much family who care about me either. And guys? Guys forever mess me around. In the end it's making me stronger, but I am building walls up. I don't bother anymore with many people. Loneliness and being aone, both different, both the same, but both heartbreaking...

  Okay. So everyone's stories are always about psychical abuse. But mental abuse is just as brutal! I have never gotten over this. And I don't know if I ever will. I met my first ex working in town at a different bar to what I am at now. I was a shot seller and he kept coming over and wouldn't leave me alone. I thought what have I got to lose? And gave him my number. We went on a date in the week, then next week? We decided to already be in a relationship. We moved fast. And it wasn't long before the mental abuse started. One time i left my phone on the side and came back into the room? My ex said 'someone has messaged you' I looked and it was a guy from the past... messaging me. And then my ex was giving me abuse saying I was a slag etc, I should have clicked walk away, but I was already in too deep. I just snapped my sim card and was like I'm changing my number then. He was still angry. But yeah. There was another time when he went theough my phone and saw an old photo of some guy who sent me a naked photo... honestly forgot about it. But yeah, he went into a rage then. After that it was little things, I was still in college at the time and he used to always check on my Facebook when I was there (I had to give him my log in details), and eventually I just deleted Facebook, yet he kept his. When I left College he didn't want me to work (no longer had my weekend job). And he'd belittle me constantly about university because he didn't want me to go but I was going too. Once we went on a night out with his friends, and I didn't really drink, but he made me and I only had one drink, then he was telling me off because I don't like dancing so didn't want to go dance, so he moodily sat with me saying all sorts of mean names, I ended up throwing up in the toilet, and we left, and he was annoyed at that too because he had to pay £50 in taxi fares. When we went Blackpool Pleasure Beach once. He picked up a fight because I didn't wanna go on the big one. But then he made me go on the ride that shoots up and I was crying... he bought that photo, so he clearly loved me crying. When we went paintballing for his birthday I kept getting stuck so said I didn't want to take part no more, just watch, he almost went mental at me then, but then his mates thankfully stopped him. Don't think they realised he was abusive though. The last straw was a holiday we was there and I couldn't walk out the hotel room without being told I was 'dressing like a whore for all the lads' and I was wearing sunglasses to look at other guys. He became ill and was hospitalised for a night, and then he was okay again, but I was ill but I was a bitch because K didn't wanna go on a night out due to being unwell. He went out, even though I stayed with him at hospital. I legit just stayed in the hotel room to avoid being argued with. But he'd disappear to the computers for Facebook etc. When we returned off this holiday he was mithering and pestering me to let him on my emails and I was like 'no point though, I don't use it' but he kept going on, and because there was an automed email saying some guy was trying to contact me on kik... he went mental again. I quickly logged out and he said 'log back in or we're done'. I just snapped then, I was done, so I walked away, before it happened to turn psychical, but it still effects me to this day, I still think 'what if'. I still even wish I was still with him. I'm not over him, nor do i think I will be. This part needs to also be told because emotional abuse hurts just as much as psychical... but isn't talked about. 

  So this part is about Financial Domination, what I do for money other than my bar work, because I don't get much money for two nights a week. I also don't want didability until I am worse... as it is very hard to claim for my illness. Even more so because I am actually working part time I'd struggle to get it. Financial Domination is 'Financially dominating someone for their wallet'. Most of the time guys pay for nothing. They are the best ones. But there are guys who want stuff and there are a lot of 'fetishes'. I've only ever done sexy photos, or humiliating a guy. That is self-explanatory. Humiliating a guy, basically taking the mick out of them or their penises. It's weird but yes it does exist! I have seen more f'fetishes' through other Dommes work, such as sissification- making a guy dress in womens clothes, chastity- locking a guy up in a chastity device- I've even seen some guy be told to sit in a nappy every day and keep the same one etc even after pooing! There is so much more- very weird. I've done this for about a year and half. And I also started to sell clips too around 8 months ago. As I saw other 'Dommes' doing it. And in the end I do make good money from them so kept them up. I'm not bothered about what I do, so I am probably the only Domme who admits to it and doesn't hide behind an alias. Besides, even if I did I would end up getting found out... my tattoos are extremely unique. I did try camming before this findom stuff- but waiting around wasn't my thing, amd I was under an alias there... and I got found out. Do i get naked on the clips? Yeah, and like I said not bothered. The price varies on what the clip or photo entails, but I do make good money which helps me look after my cats, and give money to my mum, and just to make myself better by spending because of my lack of life. Before I started I would worry. Would never be able to do anything. But now I can. Even if my illness makes me crash! Some people who have wrote to magazines etc leave out the most vital part of Financial Domination, it is easy money... but it also isn't. Unless you are hugely popular you can go times without anything. Which is why i started the clips. That was a decent payout... till I lost my Facebook. And I only have Instagram, Twitter, fetish sites to advertise myself! You need patience in this game. You can't expect money right away. And if you do don't lose that patience because it won't last. 

  I have no happy ending and I don't know what will happen next, what hurt I will experience next, because nothing ever goes good for me, I have never been happy, and I have come to believe I will never find a 'special someone'. But at the same time deep deep deep down, I'm hoping I'm wrong. Maybe my life will get better. I will finally have decent friends, I will find someone who actually likes me and doesn't abuse me or think of me as a burden (even though I am). And maybe my illnesses stop getting worse and getting better. I started to write a book, I want to finish this book, a fantasy book. And I also want to write a book about all my hurts and pains. If I don't have any happiness it's okay. By now I got used to it, and gotten used to being let down. Having nobody, nothing.

Thursday 20 July 2017

Mentally numb again. But still getting more and more symptoms.

  So it's been a couple days... but I finally am mentally numb again. I hate hate hate it when the depression side crashes. It's awful. But it's just what it is. It's just another illness that I have to live with. Another illness that won't just go. As much as people like to think that. Depression. It's fucking brutal. I woudln't wish it on anyone. Not really. To sit there day in day out and hating myself, hating life, and struggling to genuinely unable to cope with my CFS/ME.
  I know that I am lucky in the fact that my illness is currently only mild... and that I am only able to work weekends. But it's more than some people with my condition can do. And I know one day if my illness continues to go the way it does... then I will not be allowed to work no more at all. Not even those two nights. And that completely scares the shit out of me.
  Me working part time is a little bit of relief for all my mental bullshit... I mean I'm finally out of the house after having 5 days stuck in my room, stuck in bed. I'm also thankful that I am able to work out. Even if it isn't always every day, all the time, like I wish I could... I know if I pushed myself more though, I just know my illness would progress quite quickly. I mean, it is slowly going worse, I can feel it, like I go out for the day. And then the day after? I can't move so much. Feel hungover, so much pain, so much tiredness. God my illnesz, it's hard to describe to you all... especially if you haven't got it yourself. It's hard work. And as I always say I only have it mild.
  To those who have CFS/ME and it's moderate or severe. My thoughts go out to you, like you are strong. In my own way i'm strong too... i'm still here. Even though deep down I don't want to be here. But I still am. I'm fighting my illnesses. I'm fighting myself. I'm trying to be strong. Just sometimes I'm not strong.
  Today has been a really bad day CFS/ME wise. In it's own way. The pain is quite bad, I'm exhausted, but as always not sleeping at night because of the Insomnia, I didn't keep nothing in my stomach till about 5pm, which drained me even more. I took a nap. To feel a little better. But yeah... probably be up all night. My bones are aching which means my pain really is bad, because I normally just have muscle pain really. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my collarbones... on top of the constant pain. Oh and a migraine. I've been getting these more and more... always when I am trying to live! Fuck you illnesses. Seriously, fuck you!'
  I seem to be taking more and more pain pills, whatever I can get my hands, always more than 2, because 2 never fucking work anymore. It's why I drink too. It's so fucking nice to feel pain free... then all of a sudden I'm worse because of thencomedown from the alcohol. Why isn't there a cure, no real help? Please can someone make this happen. Don'r think anyone understands the pain... my arms can ache and I have to lean my arms on stuff to be able to read, hold stuff, even doing my makeup I have to lean and/or lie down putting makeup on.
  I'm fed up of getting let down and hurt me, like honestly. People think I don't give guys chances if they're not muscle men, but I do. I am picky as fuck though still regardless. Honestly, why are guys constantly acting like little fucking boys? I don't want to be single for life... but it's making it more and more fucking obvious that I will be single for life. A tough thought. An awful thought Which would be made easier... if I had friends, family, people getting me out, keeping me occupied.., but I don't not really. Fuck you people for being cunts hahaha.
  One thing I ask myself all the time is... 'why the fuck am I not good enough'. Because it seems to be the case. I am also 100% a lucky charm. People meet me. But it never gets over the 1 month mark, before some cunt I'm seeing turns to me and says 'I've met someone else'. It proper hurts. Just when i'm starting to let someone in they turn to me and tear me to bits all over again. And I sit here and think why the fuck am i giving chances? I should just simply not anymore. And tbh I don't think i will... I don't think I can anymore haha.
  At least I have cats hey. Seven now. My newest furbaby is a boy I think, Bella's and Blue's baby, and he is being called Cudi. If it turns out to be a girl then Rosie. I'm sure it's a boy though, utterly adorable. I can't wait for him to open his eyes. Happens soon. One little thing to look forward too ey.
  I really need to start writing again me, I mean I've done so much of my book, why the fuck am I not finishing it, and doing the others I want to do?! I need to get them done. I mean, I have no life anyway so it'd fill up time won't it?!
  Like... I honestly have no life. I beg anyone and everyone to come out. But nobody ever does. Unless it involves alcohol. So I do it because well, nothing else do. I don't work. So who cares if I'm worse for a week. Not like I'll be going anywhere, doing anything... I have nobody to see, nothing to do. It's shite. Super shite. Why am I in a place where there are no decent people?! There isn't any at all. I'm surround by dumb, selfish, jealous, dramatic people who constantly fucking spy on me... one good thing without Facebook that. Still want my account back. Fuck you Facebook! Even started a petition because I'm not the only person Facebook disabled then won't reply to the fucking appeals. Rats arses.
  I have so many DVDs and books me... like I said though. No life. My life consists of reading, working weekends, rewatching tv shows, cuddling cats, having conversations with my cats and myself... my life is fucking lonely being completely alone. That point was random haha.

  Thanks for reading. If you've read. Just a jumbled in the mind cunt.

Monday 17 July 2017

I've been okay, I've been strong, then it collapses all of a sudden.

  Isn't depression just a ballache to live with?! Mix that with IBS, my CFS/ME. And it gets worse. I have been okay and feeling fine after about 4/5 weeks maybe, but now. All of a Sudden it all comes crashing down. And my mood... it's sad, lost, empty. And it's like what the hell. I mean. Why is it me that has to suffer, constantly. I never get anything good, I never get happiness. I just get all the bullshit and unhappiness.
  I'm so alone. Lonely. Like, without Facebook, it's 18478383x worse. I no longer have Facebook to help me a little better... well. I dunno. Maybe that's why I've been so good without Facebook. Because I don't have the idiotic drama of cunts trying to give me abuse. Or seeing all those lovey dovey over the top bullshit posts. Pretty selfish those posts. Some of us can't even get a text back, never fucking mind a fucking relationship... does my head in.
  I can honestly say, I do believe I will be alone for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it hurts. But it is what it is. Some people have to live life alone. And clearly I am one of those. 'Mr Solo Dolo'. Clearly have to change that to 'Miss Solo Dolo'.
  Know what I have realised? I legit have no true mates, like at all. I have none. Why? Because I have to message first. I have to make effort first. I have to do it all. And I can't be fucked anymore. I just can't. I have lost the will to fight to have people in life. I genuinely have. I can't do it anymore. I just can't fucking do it anymore.
  I hate people so much. This world. This generation of people have fucked things up badly. The whole planet needs to be nuked. Nobody deserves a life anymore these days. Not even more. They're all too selfish, too nasty, you're all cunts, we're all cunts.
  In a perfect world people wouldn't be so bad, they wouldn't be so absorbed in social media etc that they are ignorant to the world outside of a phone and computer screen, people wouldn't be nasty, selfish, they would be faithful, etc, etc... blah fuck it, fuck people.
  Don't you just wish that life was easier? Well guess what. If you're a genuine nasty cunt... your life is perfect. I'm actually clearly too nice me, and that is why my life is a pile of shit and a constant fucking fight with myself to even stay alive- because fuck me, I just simply wish I was dead. People may read that, call me selfish, call me all sorts. Sorry, but it's just the way I feel. When you hve nothing and nobody... when you are so lonely, when you are do alone... you don't want to live, you see no point. And I believe that. Because every time I get a glimpse of being happy- it all fucking collapses. Happy things don't happen for me. I'm sure there is a force out there wanting me to die, I honestly believe that. I also believe that i am cursed. My life sucks. Hugely.
  My illness is yet again just constantly steadily getting worse. Like super bad. I try and live... I crash. Badly. More and more crashing all the fucking time. Stop! Let me live! There needs to be a cure for my cCFS/ME. Really does. Can someone please make that happen?! And please do not comment bullshit that has happened and helped others. Na. It don't seem to work for me... I have looked up loads of help etc... nothing has worked. I cope my way, and that is by sleeping my life away. Because... dreams beat reality... and well... what the actual fuck have I got to be awake for? I have no reason to fucking live never mind fucking stay awake.
  I do try and be okay and positive I honestly do... but then yeah, it just crashes anyway. And i'm 288383 steps back, feeling like utter bullshit. I hate life. I would gladly give my life to someone more worthy of life, because someone like me, clearly living is not supposed to be...
  Without Facebook... the Findom/Clips stuff is really bad again, it pisses me off! Like shit, I advertise on loads but Facebook was the best, and what? I'm not allowed Facebook anymore. I actually feel lost without it! But yeah. Findom and Clips is bad atm. If you're someone who pays... you know what to do, find out where to pay, etc... Facebook needs to give me an account! Ha. But everytime they kick me off. Utter bullshit! Ha.
  (Findom/Clips Info... site; iwantclips & search Abbyy36... two sites to buy clips or subscribe... hot content you won't find elsewhere, and yes you'll love it! Amazon GC; search the email for my wishlist too... Circlepay; don't use paypal, but ask me for a bank transfer details!)

  On a tiny good note... my kitty Bella had a furbaby... well she had two, one died, one is alive and well and super cute! I'm unsure if there are more. I don't think there are. This new baby will be called Cudi or Rosie... but I have to wait a bit you know... to ensure that I know the actual sex haha. It takes a while for me to figure it our. Can never bloody tell so early! Bella is loving her momma duty. And I have a mini purpose in life. Only tiny though!

  I always get ignorant asshats telling me 'at least you have your health' when i'm on about being down etc... like bitches. I don't though. My illness is bullshit because it's barey known etc, and like I said... I live, I crash and it annoys me. I want happiness, love, money, health, healthy cats....
You get my shit yeah? But what do I get? Nothing. Well. My cats are healthy, and haven't really struggled much money wise till facebook binned me off.
  Does anyone read my blog? I dunno. But for me it helps. I have nobody.

Monday 12 June 2017

A decline in health... I think so.

  It's a very frustrating illness that I have. Honestly. It's super hard to live with and it's probably only just going to get worse. I think it'll get better, and it never really does. People around me always claim my illness is fake... hey you try live with what i live with and say it's fake. Say it isn't real. Say you can cope.
  I even stopped full time work to try and not decline. But it just didn't happen. It's still declining. Slowly. But it's happening. Not working full time is boring as hell, but I really do know if I was it'd be fast... the decline I mean. Used to literally work and get home, barely eat and sleep to the next day,  getting more and more colds, tonsillitus, losing my voice yet still having to answer phones even though they could not hear me. And it's not even like it was a hard job... it was an office job. If an office job can have Me decline... fuck knows what else may had happened.
  I think though even part time is starting to hurt me. I can't live without hurting and it does my head in. Why me? Like seriously, why the fuck do I get all this stupid bullshit happen to me? Always been fucked over and life is super unfair.
  I hate not being able to do normal things without being hurt. Or whatever. Like let me live please. Any wonder why I hate living?! Jeez! Today my right hip and knee are really sore, I felt it coming on last night when I was walking... but I drank to numb and pretty soon the pain was over! But then, waking up I felt it again. Can't really walk. Had to literally stay lay here all day!
  I honestly wish this illness did not exist. It totally fucks you over. And since there is no real help, no real medication, nothing it just makes it so much harder to live with. I hate it. Nobody wants me as it is.... who the fuck is gonna want me when i get even worse?! Nobody will want me being disabled. Pretty much.
  I enjoy my bar job... and I dread the day i can't work no more, my body will probably jist give up on me one day, even if I do live in a town full of cunts who I dislike. Only downfall to thw job... when the fake people come in acting like your best mate! Like, shit, fuck off pets. Grow up.
  I also enjoy doing the other stuff, people say I should be ashamed etc... what do I say? I don't give a fuck what you think and I never will. I make good money... when the sales are good and there aren't anyone wasting my bloody time... it's very... up and down. Lately it's been shit but I hope it picks up again. I need more ink, I even want to see if I can travel, if my illness allows me, because I will be travelling alone... it's what a loner does. You be alone. Always! Ballache. Bullshit. But humans are nasty things. Humanity has fucked life up! But back on point to the beginning of this paragraph... no I really am not ashamed. Never. I have every right to get disability... but because my illness is so fucking complicated, it's hard work. And tbh I don't want to rely on the government, not until I have too! Money's money. You need it to survive, that is a simple fact!
  People always say they will support you, help you, but that is bullshit. Not one person takes into consideration my illness... well unless you count randoms online. But I am referring to friends, guys who supposedly want to know me yet don't look into what I have to fucking deal with every fucking day!
  I prefer animals. Mainly cats. I mean I have 6 cats... what's not to love? They make me happy. Just breaks me if they die. I'm stressing myself lately too. Which I will not say why but it is about my cats... why does loving an animal have to cost? Imagine a world free to be free, nothing costs, peace... oh the thoughts on how it could be so much better. But everything is money. Blah!
  I'm hoping this knee and hip pain doesn't last for too long. I can hack my daily pain... mostly... but this bullshit is on another fucking level. Someone wanna go find a fucking cure. Something to help. I'm defo never having kids. It'd be selfish. I could pass this on! It's a good job I don't actually want them. I would settle for cats. Thwy are my babies. They are a handful as it is.
  People ask me why I blog... I will answer you. I want to vent. I have so many random dotty thoughts. And I just wanna vent. But I can't vent to people personally, why would I burden them honestly? At least this way people are choosing whether they want to read about my broken fucked up head or not.,. Brutal.
  I'm broken. But I will also always be myself. Like honestly I am done caring what people think. And in fact even caring about people in general! Too many nasty cunts. Like, bitches. Step up. Be fuckong nice for once. Apologise when you are wrong. Help when you are needed. Be there when you are wanted. But it will not happen. Sadly. Humanity has fucking fucked up with all this social media bullshit and if you don't post it online...'it never fucking happen. Grim. Hurtful.
  I try to be nice me. But honestly don't know why I bother. I help mates out. Get fuck all in return. I message if I see someone to be upset. Me? I just get fucking ignored for a fuckboy or a fuckgirl... like fuck you all! I try to warn females about cunt lads and they fall for their charms... then cry about it when he fucks them off. Like fuck, I warned you. I had been there.
  North West males in England are all fuckboys. I mean sorry, but you are! You all gotta have about 8272892 chicks, one is never enough. Never. I have seen so many males cheat. Even using me when I didn't know. IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY FUCKING LEAVE DO NOT CHEAT YOU UNGRATEFUL SPITEFUL CUNTS. It angers me. I recently tried to tell some chick her fella had cheated on her with me and someone else... but I got blocked, and he blocked me so she never saw it. And they are getting Married in fucking September. She is going to regret it. I have known him since school, he has cheated on EVERY FEMALE he has been with. If you are reading this and want to help me out and getting her to know? Message me. Because if I was about to ruin my life I would want to know. But yeah, males, I stopped bothering really. I dunno. You're nice to talk to and chill with... till you get sex. Then you turn into absolute bellends, even when I make you wait for a while! What is that?! I know I am supposedly good looking but I do not deserve to be fucked around by everyone!
  Tbh no decent people near me. Well a handful. But I still never trust anyone. Not even mysef with this fucked up brain of mine with a shitty illness that seems to hate me and wants me to never be happy and enjoy life.
  Going to stop these random thoughts now- but yeah CFS sucks. Especially with this getting worse. I wish to be illness free, normal, busy working. But life doesn't like me! Thanks for reading anyhow. Stay tuned for my next vent post :')!

Friday 9 June 2017

I'm fed up of being forgotten.

  The title says it all really... I am fed up of being forgotten. It's heartbreaking. It hurts. I'm fed up of it... loke it isn't even a joke. Everyone leaves, I'm forgotten, they're happy, and my head is fucking fucked up that I can't forget. I'm just going in endless cycles of hating myself.
  Both exes forgot me. The ex best mate who I fell for forgot me. Every old mate forgot me. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone forgets me.
  Why is it that all these people who fucked with me and my head are allowed to be happy... but me? I'm not allowed to be happy. Just endlesss fuckery with my head! They are the ones who deserve to have the unhappiness that I have. Not me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve happiness. Just for once. Let it happen. Let it stay. I am fed up of crying daily. I am fed up fo being hurt by everyone!

  It seems I'm not good enough. Every guy I give a chance too ends up proving me right. They fuck me around too. It's like... are there no decent people anymore?! It does not seem to be so not for me. I think I am destined to just be hurt over and over and over again. No relief. No happiness. No pain free mind. No uncomplicated thoughts. It's a ballache man!

  I don't really have mates either. They all leave too. They stay for abit then they get their happy ending then boom... bye bye Abby. You're not even real. You never existed. You just helped me out when i was bored but now I have my happy ending you don't fit into it!
  And that is honestly the truth. No mates talk to me or reach out to me. I have to message first. I have to pester for a reply. I'm just done. Done with people. With life.

  I need to face facts. My happy ending isn't gonna happen. Everyone forgets me. I want to just forget myself at this rate.

Wednesday 19 April 2017

Feeling a little better.

  It's been an okay day today. I say okay, because there are those mini moments when my heart kind of hurts at the thought of a lonely life... but I also kept quite busy... I though I'd blog. Just something alright for once and not totally consumed with my dark thoughts. 
  I am trying. And I want to be okay all the time. Even if my loneliness is forever. But that's fine... it is. As long as I have friends who keep me busy, they get me out. My mind is occupied and being single for the rest of my life is the last shitty thing on the mind. My body hurts though, a downside of actually getting out... my body starts to hurt more all over! 
  It was worth it. I choose psyhical pain over my mental pain! Honestly. If you've read my blog, you'll know what I mean. 
  I would also like to say to the person who tried to comment on my last post that I need to go get help? I already have. I'm on pills. But depression is a constant fucking fight and sometimes I just can't fucking help it! I have already been to the doctors, and counsellong isn't for me. And I'm okay with that. I am! 
  There are people out there who are still ungrateful. They have a partner. They can work. They have friends. Yet they cheat. And wish they didn't have to work. And fuck their friends over... like seriously what is with that?! I'm someone who has learnt 'the grass isn't greener' so quit being stupid and appreciate what you have... or I laugh at you when you lost it all. Because you sure as hell fucking deserve that shit. Stupid idiotic humans. 
  It's also another day when I get angry and stressed at this time. Why? Because yet another person writes a status for likes because they got blocked. Yet the ones who comment and like have been blocked for years, or months... like can you get a life? Can you stop obsessing?! Like I don't even know who most of them are... I'd pass them in the street and I still wouldn't know who the hell they are! Like seriously! I never even do a thing wrong. People just don't accept being blocked becauss I can't be fucked with their bullshit, their slyness, I mean. Why the fuck would I? Honestly. Weird things. 
  Less stressing. I need to be totally more numb to every emotion ever! I'm hungry but I can't eat it's past 8pm! Ha. Yeah. I go by that 8pm rule, sometimes I can't, eating has to happen. But hopefully I fall asleep soon... watch a couple more episodes of Party Down South and then yeah, try and sleep. But I just know it will be another night tossing and turning. Stupid insomnia that mixes with my illnesses! 

  I hope you're proud of me of not doing a total downer of a new blog post.,, I'm trying, promise. 

Monday 17 April 2017

Can I just disappear into one of my Fantasy Worlds...?!

  Why does life have to be so shit? So lonely? So utterly heartbreakong? I don't know how long I am able to be strong enough for... the end. My thoughts are always shitty. It sucks. It's like why bother? Well. Actually. I don't bother anymore... just really is no point. Honestly. I'm scared to die. I am. That is the only reason I'm here. But also, I guess there is a tiny part of me that hopes for something better. But it won't happen. It won't. I've accepted it. But every so often when I just think... shit. Therea re those dark thoughts again.
  I do wish I could just disappear into one of my books, or Tv show, or even a fuckong film where they get their happy ending... in fact. I would even hope for the vampire storyline... would be more fun than my life now. Compel people to do whatever the fuck I want. Oh, and would people fuck me over? No they wouldn't. Because they'd just get tortured Vampire style. I wouldn't care. I hope I'd have the emotion switch like in The Vampire Diaries. That would defo be turned off! Only I matter. I would not care about others and ruin them before they ruin me.
  I'm crazy. I know this. I'm fucked up. I'm ruined. I see no way out of thise way my mind thinks and is. I don't care no more. I have accepted I have to leave because I really have noreason to stay. And I tried to have one but everything fails when I try. So why bother keep trying? No. I won't bother. I cba. I can't be fucked. I am done. I just wish I wasn't scared to die. But just one more thing to go wrong and I am gone. Something major.
  I'm just fed up. I wake, I eat, I watch stuff, I nap, I watch more, I sleep, repeating this till the weekend... and then it's the same but it is also when I work. My only social life. I enjoy work. I get out then. But it's just a shame it's when Wigan. The place needs to be nuked. It breeds absolute cunts! I am kind of trying to get out more... but I'm forever pied off, ignored on the day so can'r go... or it's my fault, because my illnesses are totally West and I'm too tired to bother moving.
  My illnesses suck. I just want to be normal! Normal mind, normal body... blah. I wish I was. I mean what would it like to want to live and actually enjoy your life? Or maybe not be tired and sore forever? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I won't know any of it.
  I've become so fucked up because people tend to fuck me over... it all counts you know? What you bellends have done to hurt me, every single moment, wrong doing towards me... it all counts towards these dark thoughts. This unhappiness. And fuck me I've been through so much. There are some things I really want to vent about... but I can't tell anyone that shit. I defo can't blog. I've blogged alot of my shit. But not everything. Not the more damaging ones. Life is unfair you know. It's really unfair.
  People tell me to stop thinking this way but I can't help it... I can't. I have nothing. I have noone. And I haven't ever. I realise that now. I never truly had anyone who gave a shit about me. I've become to realise it. They left. They never stuck around. They forgot about me. Nobody cares about me. So why would you care when I'm dead? They wouldn't. Such a bunch of liars. Such a bunch of cunts.  So many of you have made me feel this way. So empty. So lost. So headfucked. No point in life.
  Know what annoys me though? When these people who fucked me over try to come back in my life. Try and want me again. Like why would I fall for those lies again? Like. I'm not stupid. I aint. Not anymore. I won't let anyone hurt me again. Noone can hurt me but me. Because I've been hurt so much, by so many, they made me feel dead insude. I don't live. I can' live. I won't live. No point to anything anymore. I cry all the time. Every day. Unless I'm numb. I wish I could be numb forever. That will be nice. That would help me.
  I want to hurt everyone one of you who have hurt me. You really fucking deserve it. you're all happy little cunts while I cry daily and just lay here and want to die. My depression is real. And I've had it so long. Just like me CFS really... it hurts me to see those who shouldn't be happy, happy.
  I want my happiness. I wish. I dream. It will never happen. Just like the fact I will never get with someone again. I will never be someones other half. I will never have anything. I will never have anyone. And it's just another shit thing in life that brings on the dark thoughts, the emptiness and hurting of my heart.

  Does anyone even read my posts? Do you ever feel sad because of me? Do you read every word? Try and understand this complicated mind? I would love to know you know if people actually read and rate to anything...

  I just want it all to go away. The pain. The tiredness. The headfuckiness. The dark thoughts. The empty and lost feelings. I want a reason to live. I want somebody to make me want to live again. I want it all to go. And I only see one way out.

Monday 10 April 2017

A little bit positive

  Since my blog probably depresses a lot of people, I thought I would do an ish positive post. As positive as can be for someone who's constantly hurthing and crying. This one will probably not be soooo long as my usual because of the nature of the post for once.
  Okay, well. Basically what have I got to be positive about? The big one is my cats. I currently have six, they're my babies, I could never see myself with kids, never broody, never want them... but cats, wow they're so adorable. I wish they never died though. I miss my Tigger, Patch and Bill. And Felix but I never bonded with him tbh. Cats are adorable. They remind me of me, sleep, eat, repeat... just like me! Except they have better sex lives than me, I don't have a sex life! Seeing nobody, so yep no sex for this one! Haha!
  Another thing? Money in a way. I no longer have to stress about that £60/70 a week from working weekends, since most of the money goes right away, mum, cats, food... etc. But with my clips selling and the Financial Domination stuff? Not so bad, no longer need to worry so much, thank fuck. I mean people always ask me, will I stop? Am i not ashamed? No and no. Not yet anyway. I enjoy not struggling with money, and I enjoy doing what I do. Taking money of guys and then just selling some clips couple of mintues long. The only bad thing, clips sales sometimes go right down, that sucks, buy my clips! Ha. And the Findom stuff? There are not enought actual people who actual pay anymore. Too many fools trying to start it because It's talked about alot, and they never even last long! Ha.
  I don't know. There isn't much else. My friends don't bother unless it suits them, or I pay, I also have to pester everyone of them to get a reply. Guys? Again. Lost cause there. Guys play games. I gave up with you cunts, burn ha. Family? Hm...
  I guess I have my mum and sisters, that's about it for who cares. Well even if they do. Part of me doesn't care. Blah. Okay. Sorry. Positive.

  I'm trying. I want to be okay. I want to be okay. I do, but I try and fail, I need saving, but friends don't wanna know me and guys play games...

  See you soon.

Sunday 19 March 2017

Dark Thoughts. Lonely. Alone.

  I don't know why, but I've been in such a dark place in like a few months now, I just seem to forever get worse. And I hate living this way. In actual fact I'm not living. I can't anymore. I see no reason. And my illnesses limit me as well, making it even worse for me.
  I always go on about my CFS/ME, I know I do. But it does need more awareness being a silent illness, it really annoys me and gets me down. Why the fuck have I got this when people who have hurt others etc and don't deserve to be happy, are just that... happy and fucking healthy?!
  Like shit, it isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It isn't good, it's a pile of shit.

  In all seriousness it would be awesome to meet Kid Cudi. He would totally help me, because well he does anyway with his music, but hey that's another thing that isn't gonna happen. And yep. That is totally a random statement in the middle of this, reason is because I'm in one of my shit moods, and yep Cudi is on. I love the guy. He is totally unappreciated though, just because he stuck to him, not followed the crowds, he still isn't known. 'Fake fans' who say the old stuff is only good annoy me. Learn to love the other stuff like a real fucking fan.

  Okay. Back to the shitty subject anyhow (as you can tell I'm just typing when the thoights come even if they are fucking random, but hey that's me).
  I miss being caarefree, but at the same time I have never been fully carefree. I've been depressed since I was about 11, starting High School. It's hard work, it's tough, constantly fighting my own head. Not like I have enough bullshit to get through anyway!
  My depression started from the bullying. First high school, being called Dumbo, and anorexic, big ears, and I couldn't put weight on... laughing now, I'm a fucking chunk who can't lose my goddamn curves! But my ears, still hate them, hence the short hair, they cover it as my hair is thin, long hair still had them peek through, shorter hair is so much better you know.
  I don't even know if anyone will even read this post, or even read it all, just a tiny bit, I really hope if you start to read, you fully read it, I have such a complicated fucking mind.
  I was bullied in the second High School, I never got any attention either back then. Leaving High School followed me getting attention, but the weong attention, starting that male hate of mine... like males haven't even changed the older I have got, older I go for they're still awful game playing rats! I wish males could be faithful and stuff...
  When I got my first boyfriend I guess I was a little better mentally, but at the same time not so much since he totally mentally fucked me over, and it still affects me today, I think about what I did wrong, was it my fault, all that bullshit, when at the same time it's a good thing I left before things got pyshical. (Read The Truth somewhere on that to get the full low down on that).
  My second boyfriend, I've come to realise everything was my fault. I am too mentally fucked. I couldn't hold a relationship. And in my eyes I still can't... I am fully broken. But I do try to let a male in, just to get hurt.
  I've been hurt so much... that my mental state is that I have fully given up with males. No point in trying anymore. They just want one thing only and fuck off, wether or not I make the horrible creatures wait or not. Yes. I fully completley hate males. They are okay as mates. They're okay to chill with before the sex and when I get's unfair.

  Annoys me when people get all sexist on my arse though, I deserve nobody because of what I do, because of my photos. Why? If I was famous doing the shit I do I'd get away with it, or a model... even a fucking pornstar I probably wouldn't even get as much shit, because guys send me money for fuck all (read the Financial Domination post), and aso selling clips online. I mean who cares?! I can't work much anymore, I make money my way, at least i am not relying on the Government, not until I realy need too anyway.
  I guess males are also soft cunts, they can not handle a woman who is comfortable, makes money and does not have to rely on the guy they are dating/seeing/with. It'd also be okay to post a photo like I do if it was a bikini... but never underwear. It's also okay for males, not for females? No I don't fucking think so. Sexist people, get with the times. It's 2017 now guys. Get with it.

  I dunno why blogging helps but it does. Crying typing getting it all out seemes to help, even though no one probably reads, like I said, ah well. It helps me, that is all that matters.
  I'm just fed up of this dark place, I honestly have no reason to live. Nobody gives a fuck, I reached out to people not so long back, to people I thought gave a fuck, and what happened? I continued to get ignored, I hate it. I hate being ignored. I hate having no real friends. I hate being alone.
  I have friends sure, but to me they are not really there for me, because they really aren't. I wish they would be but they're not. I'm too nice me, I would help them at a drop of a hat... me? I have to pay for their company and attention 95% of the time.
  I'm so alone. I'm so lonely. No friends. No family. And I am going to be single for life, no I'm not just saying that, I truly believe that. Do not tell me to think positive, I am realist. Males play games. And being with another woman is not for me. Yes I've tried, but it's a no. The planet needs a clearout, revert back to the olden times, in the sense when people are faithful. Not even lying right now!

  I don't know what happiness is. I've never truly been there. I've been in love, and that isn't happiness. Even if I do miss love, that shit will never happen again. I'm too broken to put up with bullshit, and as I said... males play games.
  Sorry for hating males, but I've been fucked over way too much to care. I do give chances, and I just get fucked over again.

  Why do i deserve all this bullshit? The only thing that does not affect me is people bullshitting about me. You're all petty weirdos, who need to focus on your life not mine. I don't even know who 95% of you are, you come up to me crying for forgiveness, to be unblocked some of you and it's hilarious I haven't a fucking clue who the fuck you are...
  But all these horrible people in the world get happiness, they get to have someone to spend time with, they have family, they have freinds who DO give a shit, they get to be healthy and not have to spend days in bed just so they're okay to work two nights a week (like me).

  If you've fully read my post, well done! Sorry if I depress you, I just am so lost. I genuinely do not want to be here anymore. And to be honest I do not see myself making it another year since my life is an endless loop of nothing, boredom, loneliness, rejectin, being alone, having nobody, going insane...

  Would you miss me? Maybe. For a week. Then you'd get over it. But most of you won't miss me. I'm a complicated mind, complicated person, I'm lost, ill, broken, and accordingly don't deserve to be happy...

I shouldn't be here, goodnight.

Monday 27 February 2017

Moods are ever changing.

  My doctors suck, that is true. They constantly get rid of the women ones all the goddamn time! I find a good one and boom they go. I've been kinda numb, but just now, boom, my mood is back down. I'm so lost. So alone. And life isn't fair.
  All those people who have fucked me over, but they don't have unhappiness. They all seem to be happy, loved up, perfect lives etc! They really do not deserve it! I hope some of you fucktards are reading this, I hope you feel guilt for treating me badly, I hope it eats you up so everything begins to fuck up for you too. Don't even care anymore.
  I've been through way to much bullshit to even care about anything anymore. Honestly. I have a lot of hate still, I tried to let it go but I'm constantly faced with other peoples happiness, while I never get happiness, never smile truthfully, just sadness, and tears over here. But it's always been the case, and it will never chance. Other people are too fucking horrible. Creatures!
  In a perfect world I'll be somewhere else, not in this horrible area which breeds cunts, I dunno why people are so horrible, abusive, incosiderate but they are. Also fake 'gossip' gets round before you've even walked a step, its a joke.
  I'm 24 soon, and I'm still at a loss.
  On another note, the 'Financial Domination' side of things have improved though! At last. Sort of. Still just mini payments here and there but it'll be going to my ink days and my Birthday... only things I look forward too. Honestly don't think I'd be around after this year if things don't get better.
  People always drone on saying only I can help myself, blah blah fucking blah. That clearly isn't the case... I have fucking tried. I've tried be positive, hopeful, but forever just being fucked over, so why should I keep trying? No. I'm a realist. I've accepted I won't ever find anyone, won't ever be happy, maybe not even be here much longer, sad, but very, very true.
  To make things even worse right now my illness is getting worse... I have always had the muscle pain, tiredness, etc, but now more and more symptoms are happening... like my joint pin is now increasing, bearable like the muscle pain, well almost. My hip pain is extremely bad! I'm stressed about my birthday, stressed at my illness being worse, which in turns makes me even worse, how unfair and shit does life want to be... really?!
  I'm still lonely. I'm still alone. I don't think that will ever change anyway.

  I really hate myself for feeling shit all the time. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Life fucking sucks, and I don't want to be here.

Wednesday 1 February 2017

Financial Dominatrix.

  I thought I would do another post about what I do. How I got into this. Etc. You know the gst. I'm bored. Felt like blogging! ;). People in my hometown think they know what I do personally have their negative views etc, but I reckon it's because they wish they could do it. In fact. I know it is. A few of them have told me so... they just choose to publically humiliate & bully me instead. I honestly don't give a fuck though. Won't stop and let the bullies stop me from being me! Huh.
  Okay. So how did I start being a Findomme? It came to me. Someone asked to send me gifts off a wishlist on Instagram, I obviously agreed. He wanted a little SPH in return, otherwise he just liked to talk to me every so often. But then he disappeared. But I already had my taste... and I was hooked. I liked getting gifts! So I started to advertise myself more. My next slave was also off Instagram, I hadn't really started with Twitter just yet, but yeah, and his fetish? Was ball busting. So he paid me money, and sent me gifts. While I told him how to hit himself in the dick or the balls, and how hard, how many times... etc... thus getting more of a taste for more and more.... and then started the Financial Domination regularly. I used Instagram and Twitter for most of the time.
  How do I start my clips selling? I started about 6 or 7 months ago. I see Dommes posting all the time.. and I though why the hell not?! And that is how it took off. Findom related clips, worship clips, or strip teases. And these clips sell quite well. Make either just under or just over a grand. And I love the money. Being able not to worry is fun! At the moment my clips haven't sold, even after two mew ones today! Step up the game! Get buying! I have had no complaints. People have loved my clips... I bet you would too! (Iwantclips -- Abbyy36).
  Would I ever stop doing what I do? Maybe, if I could stop and not worry about money. Since I can't work I only work part time. Why can't I work? I have CFS/ME. Though I physically look okay. Mentally and physically I actually am not. In a nutshell, I am always in pain, and tired. But there are so many other things to do with it, so unfair on me. I wish I never had it! But back to subject... I would stop if I had another way to be financially okay. Dole is a no, you have to be abke to work & look for a job. Obviously I can't. If anything I would need disability, but because of my illness being a 'silent illness' it would be hard work to get it. Hopefully in the future I will be able to if I really needed it. I like the money the clips & Findom gets me. Who wouldn't?! But only if I was able to get money elsewhere, or find someone rich, would I ever stop. I may look like a golddigger, but you can't live without money, not really. So there's your answer.
  What have I done? What do I do? I have done many things when it comes to financial domination. My fetish? It is simply money. You get slaves ask all the time what is my Fetish... and it is honestly, simpy money. I mean nothing else could humanly turn me on more than money does. Maybe that's why my sex drive is constant hahaha! The best slaves are those who pay, and they do not ask for a fucking thing back... now they are the best! Most my subs who have contacted me have been those. That ask for nothing in return. So yeah, when I say I do fuck all for the money. I really do! But there have been the mini sessions I have... the main ones I have had experience with is ball busting, chastity, a lot of  humiliation, etc. Quite some more too... But I constantly advertise to do more, sissification, chastitiy, etc... but like I say. I like the ones who just gift and send money all the time. I like long term relationships with subs, but the ones i have obviously got scared and disappeard after a while.. obviously pussied out on being ruined more! You should become my sub if you're reading this. Get those regular payments in! ;).
  Another thing people assume around where I am... is that it's pervy old men that buy things and send money... I mean how is it pervy to quite simply send me money? It isn't. Little fuck retards where I am. But you will know this already if you read my old posts! Haha. Also, it's normally my age, just a little younger, or just a little older. Not mant have been 'old men' and I know why. Without any offense, but those that are older... they don't like tattoos, don't believe in them, old school fuckers. And look at me. I'm inked up, so many tattoos, and so many to come! Also, people in my area have gifted and sent money, you'd be surprised at how many I have actually made weak to spend on me. All these guys others would think are normal, but call them weird if they knew about it. Also my clips? Bought by most people around here... also I know a few around here who have bought every clip I have ever uploaded... I have about 70! Ha.
  Why is my name still mine? Why am i so open about it? The answer is quite simple. Well, answers. Like I said, Financial Domination came to me, not me going out there willy nilly trying, like every other fucker! So my fan base came from me being me in the first place. Why bother hiding?! Another reason? My ink. It's pretty unique. You know, not being a sheep and all that, I probably would have been found anyway! I'm also open because even though they talk shit about me publicly trying to bully and humiliate me... most my fan base is also from around here, like I've said. So this why!
  For anyone trying to get into this? My advice. Don't bother if it don't come naturallt, if you are not patient. You will not last. You really won't. Unless you have thousands of actual paying pigs, the payments are very up and down. Hence the patience. And if it doessn't come naturally there is there no point, I mean you just won't get anything. And like i said. Will not last!

  This is the end of this post. But may I add that this is fucking annoying at the moment. Yet again just full of timewasters, and no clip sales! You need to up your games. The place for the worst timewasting pigs though? Twitter. In my long time of being a Findomme. Only about a handful have paid off Twitter. The rest where mainly off Instagram and Twitter. So yeah, Twitter is the worst for it. Little losers if you're off there reading this, you're pointless. Nothing comes for free. Not even a chat. Payment is expected right away!

  Anyway. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday 31 January 2017

People in the Wigan & Leigh Area need to grow up.

  For all you who know me, know that I am a victim of online abuse, threatening, and bullying. And to be quite frank this post is because recently it's stressing me out and upsetting me and also, my side of things, you know. The RIGHT side of things. I won't mention no names, but it may be obvious about who is who and to be quite honest, I don't care, I'm done with it the pettyness.
  The time before this time (past week), I got abuse for commenting on a status, getting shit, and rather than take the abuse I block. I saw a status on my feed, I commented something generalised, completely related to this status. What happens next is the 'fiance' decides to pipe up trying to give me blatant abuse... clearly nothing but jealousy and feeling threatened because why else would she kick off to something like that?! Exactly. So her mate decides to start commenting abuse on my shit... when she isn't even on my goddamn friends. Utter wankers. I block her too. Which leads her to write a status saying 'i am now on the Abby Lewis blocklist'... the comments to this were fucking awful, one persoon saying I should be dead, just all sorts of bullying, which is getting sent to me, I kept everything as evidence. I still have the evidence too. But it was all unneeded, all unfair, just for blocking rather than let little minds abuse me. They also posted a naked video of me too... where is the right in all this?! there is not. It is petty and childish!
  Okay, so this recent time, it was all because someone came in to where I work, she left a bag unattended(keeps saying she never but she really did, cctv has it, dj witnessed it, so did staff). She then has the audacity to blame the workplace that it was our fault, and we never helped, when CCTV was checked and staff members looked, so yeah. I wrote a generalised status, no names etc as meny people lose bags and blame staff. But this certain someone decides to inbox me giving me abuse, threating me. I replied a little then i just couldn't be bothered no more and blocked her. I was going to leave it. But then she got her friend to start stalking my pists writing shit, and then she decides to (the friend) to rate my workplace irrelvant bullshit all about me. I mean sure me I can handle. But bring in others? My workplace? You deserve to be named and shamed. So I posted it all online, my status, their comments, the threats, the review. With a very long detailed post at what REALLY was going on... so after this, this little girl decides to get everyone report me, get her silly little friends to give me abuse too... all indirect now. After I got my Facebook block I made a new Facebook, as I needed to get in touch with people I hadn't the number of a few people you know? So yeah. Which brings me to the next fucking abuse.
  I saw a status written from a guy who ALWAYS comments shit about me, he wrote a status like 'I see Slaggy Lewis is making trouble again' irrelevant, idiocy. So I looked at the comments, one of the first ones was a woman who was about 40, saying nasty things, cmon, nearly ober half my fucking age? And she is getting involved? Legit seems this area will not grow up! I commented on this status saying he should say it to my face, have the decency to actually inbox me, not publicly bully me. And he kept saying no, spitting vulgar aggresive abuse, and it's like. At least I tried to be a grown up about things, says it all when noone can inbox me, yet they can say things public... so yeah he got reblocked.
  Adding people on this new facebook one came up on someones feed that they were friends with me, so someone started commenting being a bully as always, never to my face either, so I seen it and commented to say stop, apparantly he inboxed the friend saying that he shouldn't add me I'm weird. So I commented on the post saying say it to my face, don't say it behind my back. Then another idiot who always pops ups on posts about me, also tried to start bullying me. So did another few people. The first guy tried to mention my videos. Now. Let me say this jn case any of you idiots are reading... he also bought some clips and cried he couldn't view them. Another of these friend posts also popped up on someone else, I inboxed this girl asking who she was, as she was blocked and shit, she was like 'ive not said anything blah blah' but i know that wasn't true. But she was acting innocent YET on this post, being a bully. Again!

  While I am here I will point out that some of this area has bought me gifts, sent money, and bought clips. Didn't think that did ya? I know who too. Well mostly. So that is why I am open about what I do. People who you didn't expect to buy, actually have!
  So. I always get told I should not bite etc, but the thing is the bullies need to named and shamed. But because I am that much of an awful place full of way too many cunts, they all get involved. They all bully. There are he odd few who stick up for me, show me, and thankyou guys for that. At least some of them can be decent. But. No. Most are not. I mean, cmon. What have I ever done wrong? Nothing. They can't face the fact I'm taking money off mommy and daddy, or that I'm on the dole, that I don't open my legs for anyone, I'm not a drug queen... you know... like most of these bullies actually are. And no. No digs here. I speak nothing but the truth.
  People always tell me.. 'go to the police' and I really want too... but none of my 'friends' will actually have the decency to take time out to come with and support me. Which brings me back to the old posts that I really do not have any goddamn fucker in my life. Fuck you all.
  I am writing this post because I am fed up of you bullies. I don't deserve it. What because I am not ashamed? I make money my way? I have a decent body and not afraid to show it off?! No need. It legit is just jealousy. And actually quite a lot of you have come in to were I work and actually said this to me. But as always online it's a different story to act like bullies becaus eyou have your insecurities. We all know that is the real fucking reason.
  So leave me, you are all the childish ones. In fact, I messaged this girl about the bag too apologising when really it was her who should have, and she ignored me. How wrong is that?! Ugh! At least yet again I tried to be the grown up, actually took time out to try and sort things.

  I hope some of you read this, realise just how nasty you all are. Anyone who says it isn't bullying, is more than likely one of the bullies. Like I said. Leave me alone. I do what i do, don't interfere with your lives. So don't with mine.

Sunday 22 January 2017

My ex broke me.

  Now for those reading this. I have only ever had two boyfriends really. All the rest were pointless shitty flings because males don't know how to just have one woman, and not pine after other women ether. But tbh my discoveries saw that my exes looked elsewhere anyway. Sexting is cheating. Cheating is cheating. Looking and wanting and messaging is disrespcetful.
  My ex broke me. My first ex anyway mainly. I was so madly in love, and part of me still is, part of me atill cries, part of me still wants, even though I know it was toxic and he never loved me back. He really didn't. If you want to know fully how this guy treated me then read a blog post on here called 'The Truth'. You'll understand more why it was so fucking toxic. God.
  I don't know why I have never gotten over him. I just haven't. Like I said the relationship was real toxic, but at the same time I was deeply in love. He may of hadn't loved me back, he may of been an asshole 90% of the time. But we had little moments. And I think it's those moments I want.
  I don't even think I know what it is like to be in a true relationship where both sides are deeply in love, so passionate for one another. My second relationship got comfortable too quickly and I think that is why regarding that one. I loved that guy too, don'r get me wrong. But I was scared to give it my all even though it lasted longer... like I said. The first guy utterly broke me.
  I'm crying when I write thise you know. Loneliness sucks and I just wish I could have someone again, but I know that will never happen. I'm too broken. Been messed around too much. I can't rrust. I get proven right every time I try you know. Like why can't I have love? Why is it so against me life to give me nothing but bad luck and to be so unloved and messed around huh? People are way worse than me and they get everything handed to them!
  I think another thing to get over was the emotional abuse from my first ex, I think I got away at the right time, before it got to being physical... but the damage had been done. Emotional abuse was just as bad. Being made to feel so worthless by the person you love was not a fun game in the slightest. My thoughts always return to the last few weeks of being with him, being on holiday with him. Having him tell me I was looking at other guys because i had on sunglasses. Being called boring coz I didn't like to drink, being made to drink a few times, being left to go and get pissed, having me wait in a hospital bed for him why he was on a drip ill, yet when I was ill I got left in the hotel room alone. Him leaving me to go on Facebook to message other girls. What a dreadful holiday. I'm trying to make it my very mission to get another holiday asap, to try and make a better holiday memory. Hmm. We'll see. I can't seem to forget. Ever.
  Getting home from that holiday, and just getting to the brakingn point so I had to leave. And I finally got the balls to leave him. But I saw him after we split. I wanted to get back together, he didn't but he just played along so he could use me for sex, yet he already was seeing the bitch he was talking too behind my goddamn back. Yep. He got with her 2 weeks after we split. While I cried for months, he was happy, and he still is happy, while I still am broken by him. How unfair is life really gonna be for me?!
  I opened up wounds you know. About just over a year ago. I went and met him. He has become single. He is still the same person. He never changed. Probably never will. Comtrolling, etc. All I did was look at my phone once and he was like quizzing me. And I got mini hurt because he actually still remembered things about me. Like what I'd drink.
  Not getting over my first love has broken me 100%. I can't be fixed. Because I can't be loved. I can't have a relationship. Noone understands how hard it is to dwell in loneliness. Be alone. Be hurting. All the time, forever. Facing facts that I'll never find anyone sucks. Happiness just doesn't seem possible for me. True happiness.
  I doubt this ex reads this blog to be honest. He doesn't think of me. I know that. I jsut wish I wasn't broken anymore, I'm fed up of crying. Fed up of hurting. Fed up of life.
  This blog actually had to be written because I am listening to WZRD (Kid Cudi). But like this was 'our album'. I dunno.
  I kinda got broken off my second love too, mind. But it wasn't so deep, because I obvioulsy still had part of my guard up, and tbh. It is now all the way up. I push people away, and they leave, and hat's for the best. If they can't withstand the pushing than you aint worth it... but at the same time. I still get a tiny bit hurt.
  Everytime I have a little bit of hope of meeting someone new, but they are the exact same as every male. It's like can a male not be a man anymore? Are they just legit all boys? Because it fucking seems it. Good as mates though, so male mates, try not to get offended. I love ya really haha.
  As I always say. There are only two things that give me a tiny bit of happiness, which is money and cats. Yep I seem to have turned superficial... but hey. I don't care you know! Cats, everyone knows I'm a sly cat lady, I have 5 kitties. And I want another kitten so I can raise from a baby again and have something to keep myself occupied, you know since i have noone who wants to help me and get me out the fucking house. Money? Yeah that makes me happy too! But you can tell it's January. The Findom world is full of timewasting idiots who expect shit for free, and clips sales are also slow! No, before you ask am I ashamed like many of you have... no I'm not ashamed. I can't work. I don't want to rely on the Government till I get worse with my illness, not just mild... you know when I need it more?! So yeah, not ashamed. Just wish I made more in Findom, but there are too many timewasters honestly. Gonna be skint till March it seems, but it's a good fucking job I know how to live on nothing. I lived on £60/70 a week (where I still have to pay my mum, pay for the cats, and pay for my own food, so absolutely nothing to spend on myself), so yeah I know how to live on nothing. But I prefer not too... hopefully you Financial Domination suckers stop being timewasters, and my clips bloody get bought again, £100 a day you know!!

  Anyway back to the subject of being a broken little mess, I'm feeling a tiny bit better blogging, whihch is why I started to blog in the first place! I'll be heading to bed once I've done this blog. Hopefully sleep also helps... but I hate waking up. I have no purpose in life, no reason to wake, and it's a sucky feeling. Getting to sleep consumed with dark thoughts. Waking and just thinking 'I never want to wake, I see no point'. I'm fighting my own head, it's a battlefield. And I feel at a loss. I'm a heartbroken mess, honest.
  Part of me wishes I never met my first ex,in fact any male. You've all contributed a little to make me feel so shit you know. Being little fuckboys. And no, I haven't always gone for muscle men, so no you can not blame that :)! I miss my ex. I hate him. I still pine for me. I don't miss him. It's all so confusing. He definately full on broke me. Which lead to my second relationship also breaking me. And just being a hot mess and being fucked around ever since!
  It's an even more sucky feeling I have no person genuinely there for me. People say they are... but where the fuck are you messages out the blue asking am I okay? Nowhere unless you fuckers want something, or I message first.
  See what bullshit I have to put with? How much bad luck I have?! Noone cares. I see that. So I'm fighting this battle by myself. But I tell you now. If my life is still riddled with bad luck by end of thise year? Then it's goodbye me. I won't be missed. Fake bitches be acting like they do when they've been two faced spineless cunts. I'll come back and haunt your fake asses for your pretence!
  My life leads no purpose so I don't care. I wake. I read, watch things, talk to myself and sleep again. Because I can't fucking work coz of this disgusting illness. I wish the doctors would fucking start looking into it. But na. I just get left with no fighting chance. So it's another battle I lose. Being in these four walls drives me crazy. I want to work again but I can't. And it sucks. If I could work I'd just work all the time. I don't have a social life so why the fuck not!
  I hate life. I have no luck. No matter how much I try. And yes I have tried but I always end up bck to quare fucking one. Fuck you life. Horrible thing.
  Anotther thing is my sex drive you know that's annoying. I never had one. Ever. But these past few months its crazy... what the fuck am I meant to do? It hurts sometimes you know actually being turned on 24/7, I'm not even joking. And because I'm not a slag, and guys are fuckboys and fuck and chuck and don't do it regular... I just have to be actual horny all the time. I'm not joking. I just got good ignoring it. But sometimes it makes me physically hurt... surely can't be normal. But I cam't be fucked. Wish you boys knew how to be man. And knew how to handle women! Haha.
  Yeah, well I should sleep. Honestly. But thankyou dear people, especially my first ex to making me a broken mess. I want love, hut it seems I'm unworthy. So animals and money it is for another few months.

Sorry for being a heartbroken, broken utter utter mess. Thanks for reading. If you do, it's my longest post yet. Jeez. Essay and half. But I feel a little better.