Wednesday 30 August 2017

Life Update... Still a complicated mind.

  There is some kind of saying somewhere that says' there is another person to be the other half of a broken person', something like that anyway... but like... how do you even fix a broken person who is meant to be lonely and alone forever? I actually don't have a clue. I'm still such a broken person. And I think I have been all my life. I mean I want love, real love, but these days? That doesn't exist, especially having someone to love you AND being faithful! I have loved, but never been loved, that is one true fact for me and mysef and my fucked up mind. The one thing I believe!
  Okay... life update? God. Nothing happens in my life does it. Just the usual bullshit... boring life doing nothing. Work weekends, using the week to recover, guys fucking my head up, having no real mates to make plans with, to talk too, literally talk to mysef. And my cats. When I had Facebook i'd talk to the fucking bots on there too! Fucking ballache isn't it. I mean. If I had a guy I wouldn't be fucked about no mates. And if I had real mates... I wouldn't be fucked about a guy. Shitty circle... in which I have neither. So this lonely and alone business consumes me, I cry all the fucking time. Not even shitting you.
  I have such a potty mouth me... to think when I was a kid I was scared to swear thinking God and all the adults in the street would strike me down with lightening... and now I swear a lot. My fave word is cunt, because every fucker hates it... and we all know I aint no fucking follower!
  People honestly think I'm talking shit and my illnesses aint real. I tell you now, yes they fucking are. IBS is the most embarassing, but honestly, it's so fucking common you wouldn't believe the amount of people have told me they have it too. Saying 'Irritable Bowel Syndrome' that's an awful name though. I always just say IBS. Another common one is the Depression, it happens, it's real, a lot of people have that too... people who don't have it do not understand. And that's okay, just don't try and belittle someone or bully them for having it... I mean... that shit isn't fair. You don't understand. Don't fucking comment. Keep that stupid mouth shut. Depression is not the person's fault... it gets to me so much, and I can't distract myself too much because of my fucking CFS limiting my shitty life. Which obviously brings me to my main and worst illness... where in fact both my IBS and Depression actually comes from, like, yeah bullshit. CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, BUT also stands for ME which stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis... so yeah before you ask... CFS and ME is the same thing. Now, this is another thing that annoys me, because this illness has barely any fucking awareness (go to a hospital, docs, all the posters and leaflets are for other illnesses... never this). People seem to think it isn't real, even some doctors sit there and tell me 'you're lying'. Honestly, I always say this... but I honestly wish I was. To not be in pain 24/7, to not be tired, and the tiredness never goes and even if you sleep, it's still fucking shitty... headaches when I over do it. More pain when I over do it. Etc, etc... you should google this, there are honestly so many symptoms I would be here all fucking day about it. But yeah, it exists, it frustrates me, I do anything that isn't staying in bed, like go shop, I'm sweating before I even leave my house, so you can imagine how bad it can be when out and or working, it's fucking awful and embarrasing. Like why can't I be normal? It's frustrating. When I slur my words and they come out in the wrong order, fo example I try and say 'I gotta get a move on' and it could possibly comes out like 'move on gotta get'. Not even joking you. Maybe it's a good thing I have nobody, nobody to talk to etc, because then they do not have to face the embarassment of me and the bullshit I have to put up with. It would be nice to have people around me, hut I've accepted it won't happen, It's a selfish fucked up world. My memory is shocking too, not a joke, I forget so much, except like I don't ever forget what I want to forget, I just forget important stuff hahaha. Like the time I forgot my age...
  Now I talk about this every blog, well always everything I do. I mean. I kind of update on certain aspects of my shitty life. Fuck knows why. I aint sure anyone even reads this bullshit. When I had Facebook and I shared it there I had loads of hits... now, not so much... like my clips sales and my Findom related money making. For once? I'm kind of stuck with no money. It won't be for long but it's quite an annoyance. To think if I ever stopped this, or it continued being shit, just how shit my life would be even more... I wouldn't be able to cheer myself up with online gifts, or tattoos, or go out, even though I have to bribe people with money to go out... I defo won't be able to do that! Yeah... Findom... it's a hard thing to be into because there are so many Dommes, there have been so many timewasters and freeloaders. What are they? Just people who tease to pay and don't. My rule is payment first... even if it's a question. Sorry but it's how I roll in that world! I really hope it picks up again soon... I get jealous of the Dommes with like 80k followers or whatever, I only have 3k now on Twitter and 7k on Instagram, but Instagram is more Fitness... but yeah, without my Facebook it's been so hard. No paypigs, not many sales, it's like shit. Facebook... give me my fucking account back! I wish they would. I'm going crazy. Honestly. But anyway end of this paragraph. Below are my payment and clips etc info, just in case you feel like being nice! ;).

  Amazon GC;
  Paypal & Bank; message me and ask (clips) (like a Social Media you pay for, more explicit at times!).

  Okay. What next? Cats?! Hm, well every fucker knows about my love for cats, they're fucking cute. They're all healthy, and needy. Seven cute kitties! I'd have them all if I could... like, all the cats in the world haha. Except those bald onez, I'm sorry but they look nothing like a cat! Bloody hell. Get me some pet penguins too! Haha.
  I've had my whole life a ball of shit. I've never hd true mates who care, never had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about me, in fact nobody has given a shit about me. And it fucking sucks. I wish it would turn over so people would... but life doesn't work like tht, for some reason it keeps giving me bullshit after bullshit. Always getting told it gets better... no thats stupidity to believe and hope because you get it for a second, then boom, bomb goes off lost everything and feel like shit. Like being 24, and I have nothing good going for me. I can't move out because J sometimes need help and I can't fucking work (which is very fucking boring), I have nothing to do at all. Everyone my age... they have about 10 kids by 6 different people, or they're fake in love... like, I know it isn't real but I still get jealous.
  I want to be happy, I want people in my life, and I want them to dtay, not leave like everyone in the past... but they still leave. And i'm still sat here lonely, alone, hating life, don't wanna live, basically because J have nobody and of course my depression... not a good fucking mix. But at the same time I'm used to it. Nothing ever changes, and nobody proves me wrong, nobody sticks around, utter fucking shit.
  I have gained weight. It's made me so paranoid and hating myself more. I was on Citalopram, learned myself not to be hungry much, I lost weight, down to 7 stone... then 8 months ago my pills are changed... to Amitriptilyn, or however you spell it... and I have put on weight. Forever hungry. Sat here writing this and my stomach growled... this will be fun when I take my pills before I got sleep, as I need them tonight. My pain is bad. Like tears bad. Honestly. Fucking CFS. Needs a cure. Needs some help. But fuck all! Okay.. back to subject, I started Raspberry Ketones again, I already have a fast heartbeat... can you imaging what it's like right now?! Of course, faster, feelin weird when it flutters every so often. But I'm just hope they work. I've took them before and they have... but my illness wasn't as bad as it is now, it's still mild but yeah... it's honestly getting worse day by fucking day. Oh forgot to say since it just happened... I go dizzy alot now too. Especially at work, just waiting for me to collapse or faint at work me.
  Okay... so you all know I'm a gamer (if not where the fuck you been?!). My fave game has always been Saints Row at the too... so can you imagine how fucking happy I am for Agents of Mayhem?! Pratically Saints Row 5! Even has Johnny Gat, and also Oleg and Pierce, but they have different names etc and are supposedly different people... but Saints Row fans fucking know the deal! I'm trying to take my time, but I know the end is near these games are always short... I mean the third I completed in about 3/4 days, and that took long because of my ex taking me off it. But the last one? Fucking me lasted me two days, not joking either. Short games, fast gamer. I love story based games. I like to get lost me... in books, shows, films, games, etc... well only those four. Probably why I game, watch stuff and read so fucking much. Well that and the fact I have no life to life, no mates, family, guys, and I can't work unless I wanna make my illness make me bed ridden... because I pratically am most days. I pre ordered Sims 4 for my xbox other day, I'm hoping it's more like the PC version, not the usual console bullshit, if it's not, i won't be playing. Oh well.

  Anyhow. Gonna take my leave. My arms are hurting quite bad from typing and it's making me feel sick. Need to take some pain pills (I always take so many)... but I need them... and then hopefully sleep, if my insomnia part fucking lets me that is.
  Keep following me, follow my social media, and if you're into Findom become a slave 😂


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