Sunday 28 March 2021

Mentally Mad.

  So, we all know by now I have depression. But honestly. I have more. It’s quite obvious. I mean, I’m crazy. I’m a legit mental ball of fire. I turn psycho if you ignore me. If you reject me. If you mess me about. I hold grudges and will hurt ten times as much. 

  Looking online I came across BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. And well when you know you know. I was right about the rest. It wouldn’r surprise me if I had it too. I have every damn symptom except seeing thjngs and hearing things. Maybe I’ get that one day who knows. 

  I know I’m crazy. I push people away with the craziness and I just have no damn clue what to do! 

Thursday 11 March 2021

Hey Guys.

   I don’t even think anyone even reads my blogs anymore. But. I’m shadowbanned on Facebook. Again. So me trying to vent will just make that last longer. 

  I really am in two minds thanks to depression or whatever mental shit that goes on in my mind. I mean one minute I’m getting scared at dying, at the thought of not being here no more, at being forgotten and wanting to live forever so I can see how the world turns out.... But the next? I’m thinking of ways to end it. Because what’s the point in me? I’m not living anyway! People always say ‘oh but you’re so popular’ blah blah. Yeah. Online. To an extent. I’m public because of sales etc. But I could easily be without Social Media. Easily. It ruins everything. In fact everything to do with online shit does. Let’s be honest. 

  I miss the past, my mind literally fantasises about it. My first love. Having friends. Well what I thought were friends. Carefree. Less sick. You get the idea. But not just that since declining there’s not much I remember anymore. And I’m being serious. 

  Have you ever been lonely? Have you ever been alone? Then you’ll see how I feel. I mean sure I have friends. But they don’t check in, or wanna see me, or message me unless I do. I couldn’t trust anyone with my life tbh. And it’s just jumped up lately just how much I have nobody in this damn world. I spend my days doing the same things. Game, read, watch shit, and alot of sleeping and resting. Barely speak to anyone. Don’t really see anyone. I have my mum and my sisters but they don’t understand it is with my CFS etc. They don’t believe me. Well my sisters don’t and it’s frustrating. I’ve been single now a god awful long time. I try and try to find someone, I know I don’t need anyone, I know. I’m just sick of being on my own. Who wants to live a short life completley alone?! Especially with my condition. But I’m a hopeless romantic. And I can honestly say I go in too deep, too fast, and I fall fast. Whenever I’m into someone I think about if I could see myself having a future. And I think wow I may be right. But then I end up fucked over. Because guys just don’t fucking care. Yes. Guys comment on my shit, yes they want me, but they’re the type of guys commenting on every hot chicks Socials hoping one would let them slip through. Sorry but not here! Oh and not just that they’re also already taken or married and wanting a side piece. 

  The happiest ones with someone happen to be the worst kind of people. Maybe I should be more of a cunt. 

  I’m happy with my own company. And there are most times when I’ve accepted it. Me being single forever bed ridden and alone. And also having no real mates. I don’t need anyone. I have my little bubble. But it’s just every so often shit gets to me and I’m like. Shit. Is this really it for me? Living my life through books, tv shows, and gaming? Honestly seems it. I think it is the case. I mean no matter what I do nobody wants to be in my life. And it’s not much of a loss since it’s always been me putting in the effort. And for bloody years I’ve been the one paying for friends. And because I don’t anymore... yeah. Says shit don’t it eh. And yeah. Guys mess me about. Not happy with one female ever. Even sometimes they mess around with guys. It’s like they really do stick their dick in anything they can. Seriously. I’ve been seeing guys. Fucked them. And they’ll message other chicks... next to me. I know I’m a paranoid mess. I know I get crazy. And jealous. But guys are the reason I’m crazy. And loneliness. Loneliness drives the best of us nuts. And that aint no lie. 

  I get jealous of all the shows I watch and the books I read. Not just because they have someone love wise. But the fact they also have die hard friends in their stories. I mean watching Firefly Lane. To have a friendship as deep and brilliant as that... just wow. My envy and jealousy is super. Even though it isn’t real. I wish I could have that. But I’ve never had that. I thought I had friends as a kid. But like now they weren’t real. Most of them are actually still mates. And you get me don’t see or speak to any of them or anyone. Over the years I’ve met people. Not one person has stayed. And I’ve done so much for people in my life. And now I finally put my foot down and think only of me I’m selfish or whatever. And you know what. I don’t even care. If you’re one of those friends... you ignored me when it counted so get lost. 

  This is becoming quite an essay aint it? Oh well. I need to vent. I’m so lonely and alone that I don’t have anyone to vent too. So why not just vent to myself in a way typing it down then posting and nobody will even read it?! It’s already made me feel better. Got some more to go though... ha. 

  If I could I’d just up and move away from here. The North West of England breeds cunts. I’m not even joking. The people in this area are fucking awful. But. Money is the first issue. I’m addicted to spending. I mean. I only end up buying clothes I never wear (since I don’t go out), or books (but I have 300 unread) and games. And then end up buying food and cat stuff which is actually needed but yeah. I live in my overdraft. I’m like minus 400. And I’m itching to just spend some more. It makes me feel better haha. Another reason I couldn’t would be my illness and me occasionally needing help. My mum works alot. But she’s also still looking after me. I’m 28 soon, so yeah, I’m a complete and utter burden. Another last reason? The cats. I have 13 right now. And I can honestly say they’re my only constant in my life with love. If I had no cats I don’t think I’d still be fighting. In fact I know it. They’ll see me sad and I’ll get cuddles off them. And if it’s Ruby kisses too hahaha. Sad aint it. Only affection I get is off cats. But I do love them. Could literally talk loads about cats haha. 

  You’re probably one or among those that tell me to ‘stop being picky so you’ll find someone’ and to ‘stop being shallow etc’ I wish i could. I have tried to be with people I don’t find attractive and it’s just a no. Even if I’m to face life alone I’d rather that then try and have another person that I am to lie too and try and keep happy whilst I’d be miserable and not wanting to touch them etc. And trust me again.. been there and tried. I should be drunk forever. I have no standards pissed and tell everyone I fancy them and want them etc 😂😂. Amount of times I’ve done that and then I’m like sorry but I blacked out and I don’t fancy you. I feel horrible but is what it is. So yeah. No settling for me. Kind of accepting this loneliness and being alone anyhow at this rate. Not like I have a choice. 

  No, I don’t really have fam either. Just my mum. And sisters. And nephew. Sort of. But yeah giant burden. 

  I started to write books, and I have plenty of ideas. And I want to get back to that again... but I cannot for the life of me find the motivation. I know I could write some great books. But I think I just need a motivation boost. I do read alot myself. So having my own book written? That’d be great for me. I’ve always been an avid reader. From primary school. Nothing beats a good book. It separates my time. All the small things I do does. 

  Working. Well. I haven’t worked now in over two years. And hell I fucking miss it. I think about it so much and just yeah... I wish I was still there. Bar work is bloody brilliant. Even if I was a moody cunt. I did love my job. It was my life. My social life. But I couldn’t cope. My body couldn’t. So I ended up becoming a mini alcoholic when working to cope and actually manage the full night. Until eventually things got too bad. It’s a blessing in disguise though, I don’t drink no more tbh, but yeah. I miss it so much. And I know I couldn’t work in most bars in Wigan, owner by the same silly cunts who think they’re better than everyone else. I mean there’s a couple places I’d like too. But my body still beats me up whenever I move out of bed! Which brings me too... I also miss working out. Don’t get me wrong. I try and I try. Like I’ve just done like 4 days straight... but today had to stop, as my whole body is shaking even when I’m just sat here. And well it just pushes my pain worse too. Oh to be fucking normal. So many take shit for granted. Whoever chooses the lazy life and chooses not to work and not to move etc needs a slap. 

  I mean yes, I do all the online stuff, but I’ve done it for soooo long, and it is a huge graft. Especially for someone like me when it can be hard to move. Had a couple guys complaining other day coz I don’t dress up or I’m in bed... because guys I always am in bed and why should I dress up all time?! Haha. I've been in Iwantclips since 2016, and onlyfans since 2017. Also a findomme, when it suits as I cba doing much haha. But I also have a spending addiction which makes it shite. I mean like I said I’m in the minus me, and not making wnough sales atm... because yet again social media has shadowbanned me. That means I can post but nothing gets seen. Pile of bullshit really. Social Media is too damn sensitive! Get kids off it completely and anyone who’s butt hurt easily then we have it good haha. 

  Okay. I’ve typed alot. And I need to sleep. But one last point I want to talk about. Something everyone moans at me for doing. My illness. I can assure you it’s real guys. Even if I don’t look it. Even though you’re only sick if you have cancer these days. Cancer is awful. Yes. But there are meds and chances to recover from cases... whereas with my CFS, I don’t have that option. I’ve taken cocodomol daily for the past two years. And it still doesn’t fully work for me. Just lessens the pain. Which has actually gotten so shitty. My cats will come lay on me and I have to stop myself from crying because even that hurts me. When I try my working out. Even worse. But it also knocks me west for a few days. Like I literally cannot wake up for long. I’m literally asleep for days or just laying here to recover from a single workout. Something I used to do daily. Something I used to do alongside working. And I even had an office job as well as the bar work at some point so full time, part time, and working out. Oh snd up till I was about 17/18 I would walk everywhere. High School I’d walk to town then home, which is actually a pretty long stretch, from where I live now to the a couple towns over, just yeah I used to be so active but now? Even just walking to the damn toilet can tire me out. Actually. Even just being in fuckong bed tires me out. I’m typing all this and my arms are literally screaming at me. And my legs because my cat Cookie is lay on them. Always have people tel me not to go on about being sick but it’s just me venting and getting the illness air time. Because not alot of people have a fucking clue about it. Like I said I’m even still doubted to this day! I wish I was lying about it. I wish I was healthy asf. But na I aint. I catch everything going because I have no immune system, I mean I even got two UTI’s in a month lately. And they fucking kill. Sick of being me. Sick of being sick. Yet there’s no cure and no fucking help. In fact even doctors are ignorant as fuck. There is only one doctor I’ll go too. But yeah. I’m just worsening all the fucking time. I have some sort of skin condition which has ben getting worse lately. And I blame my illness. For the lack of imine system. I’m even scared and doubting to get this ‘covid jab’ as I’ve heard how sick it’s made people... even more so for people with my illness. Blah. WAKE UP. Silent illnesses are real. And they’re just as deadly. I mean, I’m not living. Not one bit. This isn’t a life. I’m not alive. And that’s why thoughts turn to ending it all. Because I’m not even alive when I am.

  Anyhow. That rant is over. And it’s time for me to sleep. Not like anyone gives a fuck haha. Just wish for happiness, either finally finding myself a guy, not arsed about mates tbh, they suck around here anyway, or better yet being rich haha. Anyone who says money don’t buy happiness is a lie. Hence why I’m constantly addicted to spending haha. And living in the minus. Maybe one day. Maybe one day they’ll even have some proper help for CFS, mot just all this damn ignorance. Oh yeah. I have a potty mouth. Can you tell?! Haha. Oh and please don’t tell me stop being negative, be postive  blah  that shit it bullshit because I’ve fucking tried  you know what happens? I get my hopes up. I hope and think it’s gonna happen now  then it doesn’t and I’m crushed more! Hella shit!

  I’m not living, but I want too, but I also want to be done with life because I have pretty much no hope left, I’m just meant to be alone and lonely, I’m just meant to be a burden, I’m just meant to be sick, and I’m just meant to be unhappy... 

  Cannot believe I’m almost 28 as well! Nobody celebrate with, I don’t get gifts, I get them myself, and I still feel like a teen since I’m still a burden, still living at home, oh and my mental state still living in the past, save me God, or send me to Heaven  

  Anyhow. Goodnight. Till I need another rant.