Sunday 19 March 2017

Dark Thoughts. Lonely. Alone.

  I don't know why, but I've been in such a dark place in like a few months now, I just seem to forever get worse. And I hate living this way. In actual fact I'm not living. I can't anymore. I see no reason. And my illnesses limit me as well, making it even worse for me.
  I always go on about my CFS/ME, I know I do. But it does need more awareness being a silent illness, it really annoys me and gets me down. Why the fuck have I got this when people who have hurt others etc and don't deserve to be happy, are just that... happy and fucking healthy?!
  Like shit, it isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It isn't good, it's a pile of shit.

  In all seriousness it would be awesome to meet Kid Cudi. He would totally help me, because well he does anyway with his music, but hey that's another thing that isn't gonna happen. And yep. That is totally a random statement in the middle of this, reason is because I'm in one of my shit moods, and yep Cudi is on. I love the guy. He is totally unappreciated though, just because he stuck to him, not followed the crowds, he still isn't known. 'Fake fans' who say the old stuff is only good annoy me. Learn to love the other stuff like a real fucking fan.

  Okay. Back to the shitty subject anyhow (as you can tell I'm just typing when the thoights come even if they are fucking random, but hey that's me).
  I miss being caarefree, but at the same time I have never been fully carefree. I've been depressed since I was about 11, starting High School. It's hard work, it's tough, constantly fighting my own head. Not like I have enough bullshit to get through anyway!
  My depression started from the bullying. First high school, being called Dumbo, and anorexic, big ears, and I couldn't put weight on... laughing now, I'm a fucking chunk who can't lose my goddamn curves! But my ears, still hate them, hence the short hair, they cover it as my hair is thin, long hair still had them peek through, shorter hair is so much better you know.
  I don't even know if anyone will even read this post, or even read it all, just a tiny bit, I really hope if you start to read, you fully read it, I have such a complicated fucking mind.
  I was bullied in the second High School, I never got any attention either back then. Leaving High School followed me getting attention, but the weong attention, starting that male hate of mine... like males haven't even changed the older I have got, older I go for they're still awful game playing rats! I wish males could be faithful and stuff...
  When I got my first boyfriend I guess I was a little better mentally, but at the same time not so much since he totally mentally fucked me over, and it still affects me today, I think about what I did wrong, was it my fault, all that bullshit, when at the same time it's a good thing I left before things got pyshical. (Read The Truth somewhere on that to get the full low down on that).
  My second boyfriend, I've come to realise everything was my fault. I am too mentally fucked. I couldn't hold a relationship. And in my eyes I still can't... I am fully broken. But I do try to let a male in, just to get hurt.
  I've been hurt so much... that my mental state is that I have fully given up with males. No point in trying anymore. They just want one thing only and fuck off, wether or not I make the horrible creatures wait or not. Yes. I fully completley hate males. They are okay as mates. They're okay to chill with before the sex and when I get's unfair.

  Annoys me when people get all sexist on my arse though, I deserve nobody because of what I do, because of my photos. Why? If I was famous doing the shit I do I'd get away with it, or a model... even a fucking pornstar I probably wouldn't even get as much shit, because guys send me money for fuck all (read the Financial Domination post), and aso selling clips online. I mean who cares?! I can't work much anymore, I make money my way, at least i am not relying on the Government, not until I realy need too anyway.
  I guess males are also soft cunts, they can not handle a woman who is comfortable, makes money and does not have to rely on the guy they are dating/seeing/with. It'd also be okay to post a photo like I do if it was a bikini... but never underwear. It's also okay for males, not for females? No I don't fucking think so. Sexist people, get with the times. It's 2017 now guys. Get with it.

  I dunno why blogging helps but it does. Crying typing getting it all out seemes to help, even though no one probably reads, like I said, ah well. It helps me, that is all that matters.
  I'm just fed up of this dark place, I honestly have no reason to live. Nobody gives a fuck, I reached out to people not so long back, to people I thought gave a fuck, and what happened? I continued to get ignored, I hate it. I hate being ignored. I hate having no real friends. I hate being alone.
  I have friends sure, but to me they are not really there for me, because they really aren't. I wish they would be but they're not. I'm too nice me, I would help them at a drop of a hat... me? I have to pay for their company and attention 95% of the time.
  I'm so alone. I'm so lonely. No friends. No family. And I am going to be single for life, no I'm not just saying that, I truly believe that. Do not tell me to think positive, I am realist. Males play games. And being with another woman is not for me. Yes I've tried, but it's a no. The planet needs a clearout, revert back to the olden times, in the sense when people are faithful. Not even lying right now!

  I don't know what happiness is. I've never truly been there. I've been in love, and that isn't happiness. Even if I do miss love, that shit will never happen again. I'm too broken to put up with bullshit, and as I said... males play games.
  Sorry for hating males, but I've been fucked over way too much to care. I do give chances, and I just get fucked over again.

  Why do i deserve all this bullshit? The only thing that does not affect me is people bullshitting about me. You're all petty weirdos, who need to focus on your life not mine. I don't even know who 95% of you are, you come up to me crying for forgiveness, to be unblocked some of you and it's hilarious I haven't a fucking clue who the fuck you are...
  But all these horrible people in the world get happiness, they get to have someone to spend time with, they have family, they have freinds who DO give a shit, they get to be healthy and not have to spend days in bed just so they're okay to work two nights a week (like me).

  If you've fully read my post, well done! Sorry if I depress you, I just am so lost. I genuinely do not want to be here anymore. And to be honest I do not see myself making it another year since my life is an endless loop of nothing, boredom, loneliness, rejectin, being alone, having nobody, going insane...

  Would you miss me? Maybe. For a week. Then you'd get over it. But most of you won't miss me. I'm a complicated mind, complicated person, I'm lost, ill, broken, and accordingly don't deserve to be happy...

I shouldn't be here, goodnight.