Monday 12 June 2017

A decline in health... I think so.

  It's a very frustrating illness that I have. Honestly. It's super hard to live with and it's probably only just going to get worse. I think it'll get better, and it never really does. People around me always claim my illness is fake... hey you try live with what i live with and say it's fake. Say it isn't real. Say you can cope.
  I even stopped full time work to try and not decline. But it just didn't happen. It's still declining. Slowly. But it's happening. Not working full time is boring as hell, but I really do know if I was it'd be fast... the decline I mean. Used to literally work and get home, barely eat and sleep to the next day,  getting more and more colds, tonsillitus, losing my voice yet still having to answer phones even though they could not hear me. And it's not even like it was a hard job... it was an office job. If an office job can have Me decline... fuck knows what else may had happened.
  I think though even part time is starting to hurt me. I can't live without hurting and it does my head in. Why me? Like seriously, why the fuck do I get all this stupid bullshit happen to me? Always been fucked over and life is super unfair.
  I hate not being able to do normal things without being hurt. Or whatever. Like let me live please. Any wonder why I hate living?! Jeez! Today my right hip and knee are really sore, I felt it coming on last night when I was walking... but I drank to numb and pretty soon the pain was over! But then, waking up I felt it again. Can't really walk. Had to literally stay lay here all day!
  I honestly wish this illness did not exist. It totally fucks you over. And since there is no real help, no real medication, nothing it just makes it so much harder to live with. I hate it. Nobody wants me as it is.... who the fuck is gonna want me when i get even worse?! Nobody will want me being disabled. Pretty much.
  I enjoy my bar job... and I dread the day i can't work no more, my body will probably jist give up on me one day, even if I do live in a town full of cunts who I dislike. Only downfall to thw job... when the fake people come in acting like your best mate! Like, shit, fuck off pets. Grow up.
  I also enjoy doing the other stuff, people say I should be ashamed etc... what do I say? I don't give a fuck what you think and I never will. I make good money... when the sales are good and there aren't anyone wasting my bloody time... it's very... up and down. Lately it's been shit but I hope it picks up again. I need more ink, I even want to see if I can travel, if my illness allows me, because I will be travelling alone... it's what a loner does. You be alone. Always! Ballache. Bullshit. But humans are nasty things. Humanity has fucked life up! But back on point to the beginning of this paragraph... no I really am not ashamed. Never. I have every right to get disability... but because my illness is so fucking complicated, it's hard work. And tbh I don't want to rely on the government, not until I have too! Money's money. You need it to survive, that is a simple fact!
  People always say they will support you, help you, but that is bullshit. Not one person takes into consideration my illness... well unless you count randoms online. But I am referring to friends, guys who supposedly want to know me yet don't look into what I have to fucking deal with every fucking day!
  I prefer animals. Mainly cats. I mean I have 6 cats... what's not to love? They make me happy. Just breaks me if they die. I'm stressing myself lately too. Which I will not say why but it is about my cats... why does loving an animal have to cost? Imagine a world free to be free, nothing costs, peace... oh the thoughts on how it could be so much better. But everything is money. Blah!
  I'm hoping this knee and hip pain doesn't last for too long. I can hack my daily pain... mostly... but this bullshit is on another fucking level. Someone wanna go find a fucking cure. Something to help. I'm defo never having kids. It'd be selfish. I could pass this on! It's a good job I don't actually want them. I would settle for cats. Thwy are my babies. They are a handful as it is.
  People ask me why I blog... I will answer you. I want to vent. I have so many random dotty thoughts. And I just wanna vent. But I can't vent to people personally, why would I burden them honestly? At least this way people are choosing whether they want to read about my broken fucked up head or not.,. Brutal.
  I'm broken. But I will also always be myself. Like honestly I am done caring what people think. And in fact even caring about people in general! Too many nasty cunts. Like, bitches. Step up. Be fuckong nice for once. Apologise when you are wrong. Help when you are needed. Be there when you are wanted. But it will not happen. Sadly. Humanity has fucking fucked up with all this social media bullshit and if you don't post it online...'it never fucking happen. Grim. Hurtful.
  I try to be nice me. But honestly don't know why I bother. I help mates out. Get fuck all in return. I message if I see someone to be upset. Me? I just get fucking ignored for a fuckboy or a fuckgirl... like fuck you all! I try to warn females about cunt lads and they fall for their charms... then cry about it when he fucks them off. Like fuck, I warned you. I had been there.
  North West males in England are all fuckboys. I mean sorry, but you are! You all gotta have about 8272892 chicks, one is never enough. Never. I have seen so many males cheat. Even using me when I didn't know. IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY FUCKING LEAVE DO NOT CHEAT YOU UNGRATEFUL SPITEFUL CUNTS. It angers me. I recently tried to tell some chick her fella had cheated on her with me and someone else... but I got blocked, and he blocked me so she never saw it. And they are getting Married in fucking September. She is going to regret it. I have known him since school, he has cheated on EVERY FEMALE he has been with. If you are reading this and want to help me out and getting her to know? Message me. Because if I was about to ruin my life I would want to know. But yeah, males, I stopped bothering really. I dunno. You're nice to talk to and chill with... till you get sex. Then you turn into absolute bellends, even when I make you wait for a while! What is that?! I know I am supposedly good looking but I do not deserve to be fucked around by everyone!
  Tbh no decent people near me. Well a handful. But I still never trust anyone. Not even mysef with this fucked up brain of mine with a shitty illness that seems to hate me and wants me to never be happy and enjoy life.
  Going to stop these random thoughts now- but yeah CFS sucks. Especially with this getting worse. I wish to be illness free, normal, busy working. But life doesn't like me! Thanks for reading anyhow. Stay tuned for my next vent post :')!

Friday 9 June 2017

I'm fed up of being forgotten.

  The title says it all really... I am fed up of being forgotten. It's heartbreaking. It hurts. I'm fed up of it... loke it isn't even a joke. Everyone leaves, I'm forgotten, they're happy, and my head is fucking fucked up that I can't forget. I'm just going in endless cycles of hating myself.
  Both exes forgot me. The ex best mate who I fell for forgot me. Every old mate forgot me. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone forgets me.
  Why is it that all these people who fucked with me and my head are allowed to be happy... but me? I'm not allowed to be happy. Just endlesss fuckery with my head! They are the ones who deserve to have the unhappiness that I have. Not me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve happiness. Just for once. Let it happen. Let it stay. I am fed up of crying daily. I am fed up fo being hurt by everyone!

  It seems I'm not good enough. Every guy I give a chance too ends up proving me right. They fuck me around too. It's like... are there no decent people anymore?! It does not seem to be so not for me. I think I am destined to just be hurt over and over and over again. No relief. No happiness. No pain free mind. No uncomplicated thoughts. It's a ballache man!

  I don't really have mates either. They all leave too. They stay for abit then they get their happy ending then boom... bye bye Abby. You're not even real. You never existed. You just helped me out when i was bored but now I have my happy ending you don't fit into it!
  And that is honestly the truth. No mates talk to me or reach out to me. I have to message first. I have to pester for a reply. I'm just done. Done with people. With life.

  I need to face facts. My happy ending isn't gonna happen. Everyone forgets me. I want to just forget myself at this rate.