Wednesday 30 August 2017

Life Update... Still a complicated mind.

  There is some kind of saying somewhere that says' there is another person to be the other half of a broken person', something like that anyway... but like... how do you even fix a broken person who is meant to be lonely and alone forever? I actually don't have a clue. I'm still such a broken person. And I think I have been all my life. I mean I want love, real love, but these days? That doesn't exist, especially having someone to love you AND being faithful! I have loved, but never been loved, that is one true fact for me and mysef and my fucked up mind. The one thing I believe!
  Okay... life update? God. Nothing happens in my life does it. Just the usual bullshit... boring life doing nothing. Work weekends, using the week to recover, guys fucking my head up, having no real mates to make plans with, to talk too, literally talk to mysef. And my cats. When I had Facebook i'd talk to the fucking bots on there too! Fucking ballache isn't it. I mean. If I had a guy I wouldn't be fucked about no mates. And if I had real mates... I wouldn't be fucked about a guy. Shitty circle... in which I have neither. So this lonely and alone business consumes me, I cry all the fucking time. Not even shitting you.
  I have such a potty mouth me... to think when I was a kid I was scared to swear thinking God and all the adults in the street would strike me down with lightening... and now I swear a lot. My fave word is cunt, because every fucker hates it... and we all know I aint no fucking follower!
  People honestly think I'm talking shit and my illnesses aint real. I tell you now, yes they fucking are. IBS is the most embarassing, but honestly, it's so fucking common you wouldn't believe the amount of people have told me they have it too. Saying 'Irritable Bowel Syndrome' that's an awful name though. I always just say IBS. Another common one is the Depression, it happens, it's real, a lot of people have that too... people who don't have it do not understand. And that's okay, just don't try and belittle someone or bully them for having it... I mean... that shit isn't fair. You don't understand. Don't fucking comment. Keep that stupid mouth shut. Depression is not the person's fault... it gets to me so much, and I can't distract myself too much because of my fucking CFS limiting my shitty life. Which obviously brings me to my main and worst illness... where in fact both my IBS and Depression actually comes from, like, yeah bullshit. CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, BUT also stands for ME which stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis... so yeah before you ask... CFS and ME is the same thing. Now, this is another thing that annoys me, because this illness has barely any fucking awareness (go to a hospital, docs, all the posters and leaflets are for other illnesses... never this). People seem to think it isn't real, even some doctors sit there and tell me 'you're lying'. Honestly, I always say this... but I honestly wish I was. To not be in pain 24/7, to not be tired, and the tiredness never goes and even if you sleep, it's still fucking shitty... headaches when I over do it. More pain when I over do it. Etc, etc... you should google this, there are honestly so many symptoms I would be here all fucking day about it. But yeah, it exists, it frustrates me, I do anything that isn't staying in bed, like go shop, I'm sweating before I even leave my house, so you can imagine how bad it can be when out and or working, it's fucking awful and embarrasing. Like why can't I be normal? It's frustrating. When I slur my words and they come out in the wrong order, fo example I try and say 'I gotta get a move on' and it could possibly comes out like 'move on gotta get'. Not even joking you. Maybe it's a good thing I have nobody, nobody to talk to etc, because then they do not have to face the embarassment of me and the bullshit I have to put up with. It would be nice to have people around me, hut I've accepted it won't happen, It's a selfish fucked up world. My memory is shocking too, not a joke, I forget so much, except like I don't ever forget what I want to forget, I just forget important stuff hahaha. Like the time I forgot my age...
  Now I talk about this every blog, well always everything I do. I mean. I kind of update on certain aspects of my shitty life. Fuck knows why. I aint sure anyone even reads this bullshit. When I had Facebook and I shared it there I had loads of hits... now, not so much... like my clips sales and my Findom related money making. For once? I'm kind of stuck with no money. It won't be for long but it's quite an annoyance. To think if I ever stopped this, or it continued being shit, just how shit my life would be even more... I wouldn't be able to cheer myself up with online gifts, or tattoos, or go out, even though I have to bribe people with money to go out... I defo won't be able to do that! Yeah... Findom... it's a hard thing to be into because there are so many Dommes, there have been so many timewasters and freeloaders. What are they? Just people who tease to pay and don't. My rule is payment first... even if it's a question. Sorry but it's how I roll in that world! I really hope it picks up again soon... I get jealous of the Dommes with like 80k followers or whatever, I only have 3k now on Twitter and 7k on Instagram, but Instagram is more Fitness... but yeah, without my Facebook it's been so hard. No paypigs, not many sales, it's like shit. Facebook... give me my fucking account back! I wish they would. I'm going crazy. Honestly. But anyway end of this paragraph. Below are my payment and clips etc info, just in case you feel like being nice! ;).

  Amazon GC;
  Paypal & Bank; message me and ask (clips) (like a Social Media you pay for, more explicit at times!).

  Okay. What next? Cats?! Hm, well every fucker knows about my love for cats, they're fucking cute. They're all healthy, and needy. Seven cute kitties! I'd have them all if I could... like, all the cats in the world haha. Except those bald onez, I'm sorry but they look nothing like a cat! Bloody hell. Get me some pet penguins too! Haha.
  I've had my whole life a ball of shit. I've never hd true mates who care, never had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about me, in fact nobody has given a shit about me. And it fucking sucks. I wish it would turn over so people would... but life doesn't work like tht, for some reason it keeps giving me bullshit after bullshit. Always getting told it gets better... no thats stupidity to believe and hope because you get it for a second, then boom, bomb goes off lost everything and feel like shit. Like being 24, and I have nothing good going for me. I can't move out because J sometimes need help and I can't fucking work (which is very fucking boring), I have nothing to do at all. Everyone my age... they have about 10 kids by 6 different people, or they're fake in love... like, I know it isn't real but I still get jealous.
  I want to be happy, I want people in my life, and I want them to dtay, not leave like everyone in the past... but they still leave. And i'm still sat here lonely, alone, hating life, don't wanna live, basically because J have nobody and of course my depression... not a good fucking mix. But at the same time I'm used to it. Nothing ever changes, and nobody proves me wrong, nobody sticks around, utter fucking shit.
  I have gained weight. It's made me so paranoid and hating myself more. I was on Citalopram, learned myself not to be hungry much, I lost weight, down to 7 stone... then 8 months ago my pills are changed... to Amitriptilyn, or however you spell it... and I have put on weight. Forever hungry. Sat here writing this and my stomach growled... this will be fun when I take my pills before I got sleep, as I need them tonight. My pain is bad. Like tears bad. Honestly. Fucking CFS. Needs a cure. Needs some help. But fuck all! Okay.. back to subject, I started Raspberry Ketones again, I already have a fast heartbeat... can you imaging what it's like right now?! Of course, faster, feelin weird when it flutters every so often. But I'm just hope they work. I've took them before and they have... but my illness wasn't as bad as it is now, it's still mild but yeah... it's honestly getting worse day by fucking day. Oh forgot to say since it just happened... I go dizzy alot now too. Especially at work, just waiting for me to collapse or faint at work me.
  Okay... so you all know I'm a gamer (if not where the fuck you been?!). My fave game has always been Saints Row at the too... so can you imagine how fucking happy I am for Agents of Mayhem?! Pratically Saints Row 5! Even has Johnny Gat, and also Oleg and Pierce, but they have different names etc and are supposedly different people... but Saints Row fans fucking know the deal! I'm trying to take my time, but I know the end is near these games are always short... I mean the third I completed in about 3/4 days, and that took long because of my ex taking me off it. But the last one? Fucking me lasted me two days, not joking either. Short games, fast gamer. I love story based games. I like to get lost me... in books, shows, films, games, etc... well only those four. Probably why I game, watch stuff and read so fucking much. Well that and the fact I have no life to life, no mates, family, guys, and I can't work unless I wanna make my illness make me bed ridden... because I pratically am most days. I pre ordered Sims 4 for my xbox other day, I'm hoping it's more like the PC version, not the usual console bullshit, if it's not, i won't be playing. Oh well.

  Anyhow. Gonna take my leave. My arms are hurting quite bad from typing and it's making me feel sick. Need to take some pain pills (I always take so many)... but I need them... and then hopefully sleep, if my insomnia part fucking lets me that is.
  Keep following me, follow my social media, and if you're into Findom become a slave 😂


Tuesday 22 August 2017

What happens next?

  The mind is complicated... but sure is the world. The one main thing that has kept me here is the big question 'what happens next? What happens after?' Is that just it then? You're gone and that's it? I'm a big believer in 'next lives, past lives'. But the part that gets me is you never remember the past life you had. I wish you did. So you already learnt some life help stuff etc. I dunno part of me just wants to remember. God knows why. My life sucks. And it always has! Full of cunts. Ha. But like. Does Supernatural exist? I sure as hell know ghosts do... but vampires, werewolves? Hmm. I dunno. I wish they did and I'd love to be a vampire. I think I'd make a great one too tbh.
  Most people don't deserve to remember and go on though tbh, but they're the ones who always get the good stuff and the happiness happen to them. Totally fucking unfair.
  What do you truly believe in? What do you think happens? Curious on other people's views.

  There is something else that I have to write too. I miss so many relationships and so many people from the past. Of course. I'm forgotten by them... but the world hates me and it so that I have fucked up head that fucks me up, makes me overthink, all Sorts. I'm gonna sort of list the people I miss, I don't know why, but for some reason I have too;
KA, KS, BB, RG, MH, SDA, EL, BP, JL, JH, JH, JW, JON, Z, DG, SC, LH, CC, CC, CB... there are more. But I can't really think right now. I have another headache. Which keep happening. Super annoying, honestly. Just another way my illness is getting worse! Blah. Oh, I don't know why I miss the people, i just do. Even though most are arses. In fact. They all are. They all left too, but then everyone leaves in the end!

  Letting people in, it's something I can no longer do, I've done it too much, I've been hurt way too much, and everyone I do start to lower my guard for? They fuck me up too. So tell me... why should I give anyone a chance? Everyone's just a cunt. I swear down.
  I've started wearing crystals, yeah I'm a believer in that shit. The ones I don't ever take off are the necklaces, three charms, ones for love, ones to 'let go' and the third to remove energy blocks ha. Obviously the first two are what I need the most. But I have my bracelets too... but I have about 20
That I wear!! I dunno. Just a little hoping on my part, but I don't know shit anymore. I can't control life and it sucks to be honest.

  No money problems atm, a few sales here and there, but the findom? Just timewasters again. Cats? Got 7 beautiful babies who are healthy and loving. Mood? Head? Kinda mellow now. But I do have my Moments. Still. And I hate those moments. Like empty, mindless head fucked moments where I'm so alone and lonely and it hurts. Guys? What guys? Mates? What mates? Family? What family? All this is just an update I guess since I don't have Facebook no more! Ey my right leg is progressing though, can't wait for it to be done completely! Get me those clips sales (iwantclips & search Abbyy36) orrrr sign up to my onlyfans... Oh and if you're a findom loser, just buy off my wishlist, send me money, you know the usual. Oh. My CFS is still steadily declining. It sucks. But it is what it is. I just miss working out.

  Anyhow. I don't have anything else to say right now. Enjoy the read. Shorter than usual.

Monday 7 August 2017

3.30am... I should blog to myself :').

  Hello you lot! Been a while. And as always, I feel like utter shit. Just another day over wih where I cry myself to sleep because of my loneliness having nobody and a shitty illness what is getting worse second by second, it's so hard work. I'm sat here, well lay, and fuck me my pain is brutal. I've even took ten different pills... but nope. Not worked. I'm trying to avoid cocodomol because I'll know I'll be addicted so need wait a couple days... but this pain, man it's fucking hard. Just thinking about taking every pill I have tbh... maybe that'll give me some release. It's super unfair.
  My head is so fucked you know. Guys just make me worse too they're forever lying to me, playing about, playing games. Just more and more proof I will never find snyone. I'm broken as it is... I don't need more boys to break me even more... I just wish it wasn't the case because honestly... I'm fed up of being hurt. I'm always getting hurt.
  If you follow me social media you'll see I've been going out a hell of a lot. Why? A few reasons tbh...first reason? I'm fed up of being on my own too much, always fucking alone, so I go out. I get left, but who the fuck cares, I'm out not at home, and drinking shots to forget... which I need to stop because that is contributing to me being worse... I mean, literally sleeping all day, more symptoms. But at the same time it's like so what... I won't be doing anything else but sitting in my room watching, reading and occasionally gaming. Talking to myself. Talkig to my cats. Another reason? I'm scared with my illness getting worse that soon I will be in a wheelchair or bed ridden... and I just don't know if I can even handle it. I really don't fucking know. A third reason... it numbs the pain, fuck me, does it. It makes me so happy to be pain free, but then of course when i come off the alcohol it hits me again and I'm back crying. I should just be an alcoholic, maybe it'd be the death of me...
  If you're my lovely stalker from the past two years reading this... please just get over yourself and leave me be. Stop making profiles in my name, and making profiles to try bully me. Everything is being kept evidence... and once that new catfish law comes, I'll be taking it to the police if you continue to happen. Just leave me be yeah?
  I'm happy that my cats are all okay, healthy. And my newest furbaby kitten called Cudi is absolutely heart melting. I love him so much already!! And I'm also happy that my saes for my clips and findom shit it is going good... I'm happy so I can finally get my reight leg done soon too. Hopefully go away at some point too... depends on my illness becausw I'll be going by myself.
  I know full well my fate is to be alone, lonely and single for the rest of my life, it's so fucking obvious... but fuck me... it hurts. Everyone leaves, everyone fucking leaves and I'm hurting so much. I seem to be a lucky charm for everyone me. They talk to me, they go on one meeting with me... then boom! Next week they're with someone who isn't me. Why am i not fucking good enough for these male cunts!! It's unfair. Life is unfair. People are unfair. And everyone wonders why I hate  life and every fucker. Because I haven't met a fucking decent person... that is why!
  I just want to want to live, rather than wake up and just want to walk out my house and jump off a fucking bridge because I'm head fucked and honestly going crazy with how much I constantly get hurt... i give chances to all sorts of types before people try blame me.. they just always lie and stuff.

  I never recovered from my exes emotional abuse. And tbh, I don't think I will because I am constantly still being hurt. So it's all the same fucking story. I'm fed up of being sad, suicidal, I hate I cry every day, mainly at night in bed. I'm broken. And I just wish guys weren't headfucks, cheats, users, players, becauee if they weren't? Life wouldn't be so bad...

...Nobody I want wants me anyway. And no. I won't settle. I'm a burden.