Monday 7 August 2017

3.30am... I should blog to myself :').

  Hello you lot! Been a while. And as always, I feel like utter shit. Just another day over wih where I cry myself to sleep because of my loneliness having nobody and a shitty illness what is getting worse second by second, it's so hard work. I'm sat here, well lay, and fuck me my pain is brutal. I've even took ten different pills... but nope. Not worked. I'm trying to avoid cocodomol because I'll know I'll be addicted so need wait a couple days... but this pain, man it's fucking hard. Just thinking about taking every pill I have tbh... maybe that'll give me some release. It's super unfair.
  My head is so fucked you know. Guys just make me worse too they're forever lying to me, playing about, playing games. Just more and more proof I will never find snyone. I'm broken as it is... I don't need more boys to break me even more... I just wish it wasn't the case because honestly... I'm fed up of being hurt. I'm always getting hurt.
  If you follow me social media you'll see I've been going out a hell of a lot. Why? A few reasons tbh...first reason? I'm fed up of being on my own too much, always fucking alone, so I go out. I get left, but who the fuck cares, I'm out not at home, and drinking shots to forget... which I need to stop because that is contributing to me being worse... I mean, literally sleeping all day, more symptoms. But at the same time it's like so what... I won't be doing anything else but sitting in my room watching, reading and occasionally gaming. Talking to myself. Talkig to my cats. Another reason? I'm scared with my illness getting worse that soon I will be in a wheelchair or bed ridden... and I just don't know if I can even handle it. I really don't fucking know. A third reason... it numbs the pain, fuck me, does it. It makes me so happy to be pain free, but then of course when i come off the alcohol it hits me again and I'm back crying. I should just be an alcoholic, maybe it'd be the death of me...
  If you're my lovely stalker from the past two years reading this... please just get over yourself and leave me be. Stop making profiles in my name, and making profiles to try bully me. Everything is being kept evidence... and once that new catfish law comes, I'll be taking it to the police if you continue to happen. Just leave me be yeah?
  I'm happy that my cats are all okay, healthy. And my newest furbaby kitten called Cudi is absolutely heart melting. I love him so much already!! And I'm also happy that my saes for my clips and findom shit it is going good... I'm happy so I can finally get my reight leg done soon too. Hopefully go away at some point too... depends on my illness becausw I'll be going by myself.
  I know full well my fate is to be alone, lonely and single for the rest of my life, it's so fucking obvious... but fuck me... it hurts. Everyone leaves, everyone fucking leaves and I'm hurting so much. I seem to be a lucky charm for everyone me. They talk to me, they go on one meeting with me... then boom! Next week they're with someone who isn't me. Why am i not fucking good enough for these male cunts!! It's unfair. Life is unfair. People are unfair. And everyone wonders why I hate  life and every fucker. Because I haven't met a fucking decent person... that is why!
  I just want to want to live, rather than wake up and just want to walk out my house and jump off a fucking bridge because I'm head fucked and honestly going crazy with how much I constantly get hurt... i give chances to all sorts of types before people try blame me.. they just always lie and stuff.

  I never recovered from my exes emotional abuse. And tbh, I don't think I will because I am constantly still being hurt. So it's all the same fucking story. I'm fed up of being sad, suicidal, I hate I cry every day, mainly at night in bed. I'm broken. And I just wish guys weren't headfucks, cheats, users, players, becauee if they weren't? Life wouldn't be so bad...

...Nobody I want wants me anyway. And no. I won't settle. I'm a burden.


No comments:

Post a Comment