Sunday 18 September 2016

Why can I never be happy?

  I mean. I deserve it. I've been through a lot of shitty bullshit. I fucking deserve to be happy. I'm not even a bad person, I'd say I'm fucking awesome. I'm a nice person unless you're not. I believe if someone is nice to me. I will be. If not. I won't be.
  It's another one of those days anyway. When I need to vent. But being ignored. Noone to vent too. Wanting to cut my wrists, my throat, take a bunch of pills and just disappear. I'm always fighting this fight.
  It looks like when I go to the doctors I will have to ask for a higher dosage of anti depressants... I just want to be numb. I want to be normal. I want to feel okay. But hey. Life isn't nice to me. Fuckers.
  I'm currently sat here with tears in my eyes writing this post. Listening to Kid Cudi. Because every Cudi fan knows this guy is a depression fighter too, and his music is perfect to me no matter what mood I'm in I can listen to him. Such a beautiful man, a beautiful artist. It's annoying how not many people in the UK know him, I really want to see him perform, I will 100% be crying at his concert.
  I don't know why my mood has gone down. But hey do I ever? I'm fucking lonely and alone. People assume I'm not. But hey guess what? I fucking am.
  doesn't help when people you fell for contact you when you're vulnerable and shit. Life isn't fair to me it really isn't. If I was rich? Like fuck I would care about people. Money would keep me happy. Buying whatever. Who cares for people? Love? My cats and money are only things I'd ever need... But I aint bloody rich so it's just emptiness and my love for my cats. Ha. Destined to be alone, lonely and hnhappy forever.

  On a positive note I'm trying out a couple things that I hope will help my illness. My D Ribose is here all ready and when i use it I do see a little difference... But not proper because well I'm so used to being in pain I don't notice much other than that anymore.

  Can I just be happy, illness free, and not fed up and bored anymore please? Surely I have a guardian angel or a fairy godmother please.

  I should go cry myself to sleep. Before I do end it all. I hate life.

Friday 16 September 2016


  My emotions are both on and off right now. Sort of in between. Leaning more towards being perfectly fine... It's strange tbh how one minute I am fine. And not the next. Though my illness is still mild but bad and steadily getting worse I'm just hoping to be okay.
  I have accepted the fact that relationships and happiness just isn't for me... I will forever be alone with my cat family. (I never want kids). I think that small part of hope for love is dwindling ever more. I mean what is the point of love anyway. It leaves you even more broken. And I have become pretty strong over all the messing around...

I'm just ranting right now. Because I aint updated in a while. But hey. Oh well. I like to blog.

Monday 5 September 2016

Fallout 4.

  So since I have been replaying this game I thought I would do a review blog on the game... I love this game, it's brilliant!

  I got this game as soon as it came out to be honest, and it took maybe a couple months to complete the main storyline, and a few months to complete more side missions. Then I was basically doing up my settlements, the first add on I got was the one with the cages (I'm sleepy so I can't bloody remember the name of it right now). I just wanted more and more animals in my settlements, like little pets!! Haha. Obviously my favourite is the cat one, I just love cats!
  The recent(ish) DLC, the vault add on, well what can I say?! I couldn't figure out how to do it properly. So my vault is also like a mini campsite. The reason being because whenever I tried to add on a part of a building it just would line up then hit the wall of the cave... And it was just so much effort to figure it out, so I would just have mine jumbled. It still looks good and I currently have 22 people in that settlement!
  The newest DLC. Nuka World... I love it... Until I hit a goddamn glitch with no way now to complete the bloody missions. Basically when you go to Kiddie World you are supposed to see Oswald right? Well I don't see him! I even went to the tunnels hoping he'd be there talking to that painted charred ghoul... And he isn't there. Just the ghoul, and he bows at me when I walk in the room, so I feel tight killing him seeing how he'd be hahaha. If you read this and you have any goddamn answers? Please feel free to comment because I just wanna complete Nuka World haha! Ugh. The rest of the DLC is going quite well.. I've cleared the other areas of course.
  With Fallout 4 it is 100% like Skyrim, you can always go back to the game, in fact just like The Witcher too, games you can go back too as you can always find something new to do. A new side mission or building another settlement. I'm gutted there will be no other DLC's for Fallout 4... But hopefully they are making Fallot 5, and we don't have to wait so long ;). I do think they should bring some cars or horses for Fallout though, a faster transportation you know?!
  Ey maybe in Fallout 5 they will introduce making babies and marraige, think I'd kinda love that one! Haha. And become like some sort of matchmaker for other settlers to continue the settler life... Heres hoping! Ha.