Why can I never be happy?

  I mean. I deserve it. I've been through a lot of shitty bullshit. I fucking deserve to be happy. I'm not even a bad person, I'd say I'm fucking awesome. I'm a nice person unless you're not. I believe if someone is nice to me. I will be. If not. I won't be.
  It's another one of those days anyway. When I need to vent. But being ignored. Noone to vent too. Wanting to cut my wrists, my throat, take a bunch of pills and just disappear. I'm always fighting this fight.
  It looks like when I go to the doctors I will have to ask for a higher dosage of anti depressants... I just want to be numb. I want to be normal. I want to feel okay. But hey. Life isn't nice to me. Fuckers.
  I'm currently sat here with tears in my eyes writing this post. Listening to Kid Cudi. Because every Cudi fan knows this guy is a depression fighter too, and his music is perfect to me no matter what mood I'm in I can listen to him. Such a beautiful man, a beautiful artist. It's annoying how not many people in the UK know him, I really want to see him perform, I will 100% be crying at his concert.
  I don't know why my mood has gone down. But hey do I ever? I'm fucking lonely and alone. People assume I'm not. But hey guess what? I fucking am.
  doesn't help when people you fell for contact you when you're vulnerable and shit. Life isn't fair to me it really isn't. If I was rich? Like fuck I would care about people. Money would keep me happy. Buying whatever. Who cares for people? Love? My cats and money are only things I'd ever need... But I aint bloody rich so it's just emptiness and my love for my cats. Ha. Destined to be alone, lonely and hnhappy forever.

  On a positive note I'm trying out a couple things that I hope will help my illness. My D Ribose is here all ready and when i use it I do see a little difference... But not proper because well I'm so used to being in pain I don't notice much other than that anymore.

  Can I just be happy, illness free, and not fed up and bored anymore please? Surely I have a guardian angel or a fairy godmother please.

  I should go cry myself to sleep. Before I do end it all. I hate life.