Wednesday 31 January 2018

La La Land...

  As you all probably have seen, yet again, like always I am so fucking lost when it comes to life. I’m going nowhere. I have nobody. I have nothing. And fuck me, it just gets to be... all the fucking time. It really does not help the fact that I can't work much... so sat here, day in, day out... it's a fucking killer. Especially when I talk to nobody, it's utter bullshit.
  I would love to be normal, illness free... No CFS/ME, no depression, no other bullshit I end up getting... Just would, yeah, normality... please?! I legit no longer know what to do with myself... I know I should get this book written, and I think I will try again, it's been two years... hopefully the writes block has finally fucking gone. It would be good to have a published book, I mean I'm into books so much it would be nice.
  I feel like nobody gives a fuck, because they don't not really, most people act like they do, but when I really need them they're too fucking busy for me... but that's just how life is. If it wasn't for my CFS... I would be too fucking busy for everyone else too! But life hates me, and won't allow me to be illness free it seems! 
  I know, I know, I supposedly ,moan too much, I am too negative, blah blah.. don't like it? don't look! I will write whatever on my blog or my Social Media.... I vent because I have no fucker to really vent too, because if I vent it isn't long before people leave, or change conversation and ignore me again... I just don't fucking know anymore.
  I really wish I wasn't in this world, or at least this generation... the media, social media, all of this electronics... it has ruined the world, trust me. I miss being younger, actually getting out in the world, and the only way I could use a computer was at my friends house... so I was never on my own for long... not like now. Endless fucking loneliness. 
  People always say that they they're there for me... but they really are not, I need the people I thought were there, but t's obvious that they can't be there for me... which is fine, but please don't pretend you do care then yeah, you get the fucking idea. And if not, I confused myself too... ha. 
  I know like, I could have someone but the thing is no matter how lonely and alone I get, I don't want to jut settle, or go for someone I'm not attracted too, because no offence but attraction plays a huge part... I can't fuck or be with someone or even kiss someone I aint attracted too... unless I'm pissed up but I don't intend on being pissed up 24/7... well I'm thinking of being an alcoholic, kinda kills me off, no energy, no thinking, boom I'm sorted. My type is normally fitness guys but not always, I do find myself always comparing guys to my first love.. but I know I shouldn't. ha. Some things I can't say, but I would love too. I'm fucking with my own head... but it's so complicated... certain things anyway.
  People tell me I'm lucky... I would give the less unfortunate what I have before I end it, if I do, if I could, to feel as low as I do, I really just think of death so much and it's like I just really see no point... I'm a fighter... but fighting myself this much.. it's really taking a fucking toll.
  What else to update on??? I mean, feeling lonely and alone, with no real mates who care, no guys in my life, who I talk too every second of every day etc... hm. I have 10 cats, utter cuteness, they're all I really have.. and if I'm honest probably the only reason I am still fighting myself and the bad and sad thoughts.... if I never had them, I would give up sooner than intended... I'm beginning to hate January, no Findom or Clips Sales really again... like shite, I need money if nothing else, that at least keeps me happy... money and gifts, but getting neither. Just timewasters, and people pretending to buy off my wishlist but they really haven't, so get my hopes a little the shatter them!! hahaha.
  People always have a go at me too because of what I do and about my 'half naked photos' and tbh with you it's very fucking annoying... leave me be. Do I dictact your life? Give you shit for being benefits? Popping out kids so you don't have to work? No, if you wanna be home not working out of choice then so be it. You be lazy and fucking bored, nothing to do with me. Just like my life has fuck all to do with you either. The most said thing is 'old men buy your nudes'. But the one big fact is... no they don't, it's people my age., or younger, and trust me... those polls on Instagram... it says who said yes, so I could name a few taken guys that have bought stuff around here. but that aint my fauly. I just advertise and... whatever. Not my fault chicks seems to sexually deprive their boyfriends... girls give your man sex. My photos and what I do... that also does not mean I deserve this utter loneliness either, and any fucker who says that... I wish you the worst, I hope you lose everyone, everything, I hope you feel this way. I hope you feel hoe I fucking feel, because you need to be in this situation to understand... I wish more bullies had my illness too and experienced what I did... you really wouldn't cope with what I do every fucking day... constant tiredness, that never goes away, and fuck me the pain too, like my arms are in so much pain from typing and holding my phone and my book today... oh shit yeah, I also managed to work out earlier, so be a little because of that too. But yeah, the pain and tiredness... it NEVER goes, taking painkillers dulls the pain but it's still fucking there... and not just these two, there are so many more symptoms, like a shit loads, and as my life carries on... I'm getting worse, meaning more and more symptoms, which is another reason why I just feel like giving in to the voices... blah. 

  Hopefully, I'll get in the docs soon and they'll up my pills and that helps... if not I haven't a fucking clue, I feel so fucking low. Even worse when ones who I thought were close to me have fallen out with me and really won't come back into my life no matter how hard I try... proper fucks with my head. Everything fucks with my head these days! 
  Just wish life wasn't so hard. I wish life didn't hate me, but it fucking does. No matter what anyone says life fucking hates me. I just get bullshit, worse and worse, NEVER anything good. yet people say 'it gets better'.... I'm still waiting for that. Like I said in all the 24, almost 25 years I've been in this shit world... I have never ever had anything good to be happy about. 
  Money, stress free, illness free, love, friends, people who care... hopeless wishing for all this, but it aint ever gonna happen for me, that is the truth!!

I'm done fighting for much longer, unless I find something to live for soon... but i doubt it.
Thanks for reading, if you read, but probably not. ha. 

Saturday 13 January 2018

I’m not Ashamed.

  I know my posts all follow the same sort of theme, venting about trying to cope with my mental fight depression, my illness, stress, loneliness, alome... but in all honesty I’m not ashamed. I’m not even ashamed by the clips/findom world... if I did don’t you think I would stop guys? Remove it all? Exactly. It doesn’t bother me. And if it bothers others, that is THEIR problem, not mine...see a little bit of positivity there... not always doom and gloom. Well. I try. But my blog is for me. I may share it etc, but it’s for me to vent and I dunno let loose since I have nobody.
  I’ve been single now for three years and three months, and by god am i ready to let someone in. But my god am I also so fucking scared because all I’ve known are players, cheats, all I see are players and cheats. And my god. I just want someone who only wants me. Only has his attention on me. That kind of shit... but this day and age it’s impossible. But I want that, and some part of me still fights for that even though I’ve also given up hope and also accepted that for however long I fight myself and stay alive with no reason to live... I will never find anybody. I will never have anyone.
  I don’t even have real friends anymore. I think I said not so long ago that I did. But now I realise I don’t. At all. I’ve been trying to get in touch with one I thought I was closest too... but she would repeatedly ignore me and yesterday just took the end of me trying... putting she was out with a bunch of people. Yet where was my fucking invite? And why aint I still getting no reply. She trusted me with something lately too and I’ve been trying to support her with that too... but fuck it, when everyone starts disappearing she can fuck right off. Stay hanging about with chavvy lads and people who don’t look after their kids, and have different fucking priorties of getting drunk and going out instead of looking after their offspring.
  Which brings me to that point, I swear, all people seem to do is have kids these days. Just me who doesn’t want them? I see no point. And we’re overpopulated to fuck! They should bring out a limit of children before people get themselves snipped... we do it with animals so why not fucking humans?
  I can honestly say I’m bored right now. I’ve got fuck all do tbh with you. My xbox broke and my laptop broke. So I can’t watch new stuff just gotta continue rewatching shows... but the thing is new shows broke it up for me. And now it’s like... I’m bored. I need entertainment. I also need sleep. Still doing that sleep for days then don’t sleep for days... currently on the no sleeping. Fun times!
  My heart melts so much lately with my new fur baby kittens... I’m so hoping that my mum lets me keep some. I’m already falling in love. They’re beauties. All got little unique personalities. I wish I could move out. Wouldn’t have nobody saying no to me then. I could have as many as I want hahaha!
  Findom and clips sort of picked up... but then died again. It’s fucking wank. Ah well. I’m used to having no money and shit. Just gotta get used to jt and no more luxuries! Ha.
  My birthday isn’t long off though... I’m excited for my birthday. Always am. Newcastle here I come.. again! Then a couple months later I have Dreamboys... then fuck knows. All I have to look forward to it this year. Fun life mine. Honest. I want to travel. I want to do things. But money and my illness stop me. Life does hate me. No matter what anybody says, it really does. Was I Henry the Eight in a past life or something?! Must have to get constant utter bullshit! Haha.
  Anyhow. How does someone like me who’s been through so much shit and still does get over it all? I mean like i said before I wanna let someone in but at the back of my mind I’m like ‘I don’t feel good enough’. ‘Who else is he speaking too’. ‘Who else is he seeing?’ ‘What is my competition like?’    I don’t know. This is just how I fucking think. Constantly. I can’t help it. I don’t want too. I’d love to just be normal. But my past hurt. It just doesn’t go away. And every other time I have met someone... they have proved me right. Only after one thing, no matter how long I make them wait. Always looking for better than me. Always have more than one chick... the list goes fucking on and on tbh.

  Kid Cudi, Kanye West... please bring out new music to cheer me up. And can One Direction get back together?! Thanks. Make my life a touch better... even if I am bed ridden 80% of the time with this shitty fucking illness...