Saturday 13 January 2018

I’m not Ashamed.

  I know my posts all follow the same sort of theme, venting about trying to cope with my mental fight depression, my illness, stress, loneliness, alome... but in all honesty I’m not ashamed. I’m not even ashamed by the clips/findom world... if I did don’t you think I would stop guys? Remove it all? Exactly. It doesn’t bother me. And if it bothers others, that is THEIR problem, not mine...see a little bit of positivity there... not always doom and gloom. Well. I try. But my blog is for me. I may share it etc, but it’s for me to vent and I dunno let loose since I have nobody.
  I’ve been single now for three years and three months, and by god am i ready to let someone in. But my god am I also so fucking scared because all I’ve known are players, cheats, all I see are players and cheats. And my god. I just want someone who only wants me. Only has his attention on me. That kind of shit... but this day and age it’s impossible. But I want that, and some part of me still fights for that even though I’ve also given up hope and also accepted that for however long I fight myself and stay alive with no reason to live... I will never find anybody. I will never have anyone.
  I don’t even have real friends anymore. I think I said not so long ago that I did. But now I realise I don’t. At all. I’ve been trying to get in touch with one I thought I was closest too... but she would repeatedly ignore me and yesterday just took the end of me trying... putting she was out with a bunch of people. Yet where was my fucking invite? And why aint I still getting no reply. She trusted me with something lately too and I’ve been trying to support her with that too... but fuck it, when everyone starts disappearing she can fuck right off. Stay hanging about with chavvy lads and people who don’t look after their kids, and have different fucking priorties of getting drunk and going out instead of looking after their offspring.
  Which brings me to that point, I swear, all people seem to do is have kids these days. Just me who doesn’t want them? I see no point. And we’re overpopulated to fuck! They should bring out a limit of children before people get themselves snipped... we do it with animals so why not fucking humans?
  I can honestly say I’m bored right now. I’ve got fuck all do tbh with you. My xbox broke and my laptop broke. So I can’t watch new stuff just gotta continue rewatching shows... but the thing is new shows broke it up for me. And now it’s like... I’m bored. I need entertainment. I also need sleep. Still doing that sleep for days then don’t sleep for days... currently on the no sleeping. Fun times!
  My heart melts so much lately with my new fur baby kittens... I’m so hoping that my mum lets me keep some. I’m already falling in love. They’re beauties. All got little unique personalities. I wish I could move out. Wouldn’t have nobody saying no to me then. I could have as many as I want hahaha!
  Findom and clips sort of picked up... but then died again. It’s fucking wank. Ah well. I’m used to having no money and shit. Just gotta get used to jt and no more luxuries! Ha.
  My birthday isn’t long off though... I’m excited for my birthday. Always am. Newcastle here I come.. again! Then a couple months later I have Dreamboys... then fuck knows. All I have to look forward to it this year. Fun life mine. Honest. I want to travel. I want to do things. But money and my illness stop me. Life does hate me. No matter what anybody says, it really does. Was I Henry the Eight in a past life or something?! Must have to get constant utter bullshit! Haha.
  Anyhow. How does someone like me who’s been through so much shit and still does get over it all? I mean like i said before I wanna let someone in but at the back of my mind I’m like ‘I don’t feel good enough’. ‘Who else is he speaking too’. ‘Who else is he seeing?’ ‘What is my competition like?’    I don’t know. This is just how I fucking think. Constantly. I can’t help it. I don’t want too. I’d love to just be normal. But my past hurt. It just doesn’t go away. And every other time I have met someone... they have proved me right. Only after one thing, no matter how long I make them wait. Always looking for better than me. Always have more than one chick... the list goes fucking on and on tbh.

  Kid Cudi, Kanye West... please bring out new music to cheer me up. And can One Direction get back together?! Thanks. Make my life a touch better... even if I am bed ridden 80% of the time with this shitty fucking illness...

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