Sunday 29 August 2021

When it all comes crashing…

   I’ve been in a pretty okay place. I actually have. Not happy. But good you know? But it’s all just crashed these past few days, it sucks to be me right now! 

  The realisation again of having nobody in my life who gives a fuck, honestly. I try so hard with people and it just leaves me… alone. The amount of people who have made their friends for them to forget I exist is a regular thing! 

  I’m sick of going out on my own. The only time I go out is the quizzes and it’s always by myself. No fucker gets in touch with me, no fucker reaches out when I’m literally screaming for people to do so… I can honestly say I’m so lost. 

  I get told all the time that I aint alone, they see me out with people. But did you know that I flit from group to group and I actually am on my own? I’m getting to the point of why do I bother? Why don’t I just be a hermit, I mean, I’m like 89% one anyway, but those quiz times are just… they break up the shitty boring week. But alot of them in the quizzes fucking hate me. That much is obvious. Try and sit with someone. Get told no. Then if any of the mutuals come near me they get told off etc etc etc. 

  What’s so bad about me? I mean I get I’m honest as fuck and won’t shy from telling the truth… but SURELY that shit is better than having friends who lie to you?! I don’t know what to do. 

  As always when I’m down. Half of me wants to end it. Half of me wants to live forever. What do I do? What do I fucking do!? 

  Are you reading this? Do you care if I died? Then let me know. Because not doing so is just making me wanna give up, having absolutely nobody giving no fucks about you… it’s awful. It’s really fucking awful. 

  I’m the person who brings people together… but then they forget about me. Which is just another sucky empty lonely and alone feeling. It’s no good! 

  Okay. So. Not just all this but other issues too. I’m like a grand into the minus in my bank… it’s hard work trying to live isn’t it? My sales are okay… but they could be better, but I just don’t have energy because of the illnesses! 

  Which brings me to my illnesses, they’re just wank to deal with. I’m sick of being in pain. I’m sick of being so fucking drained. I’m sick of so much with it. All of it. I wish I could give it away for a day to the doubters so people realised how much effort it is to live, to even exist. 

  And now, one of my cats, where you all should know I’m a crazy cat lady, well one of them is sick, and has been for a while, and I’m so worried. I obviously can’t take her vets, and none will do a payment plan… I’m worried sick. Absolutely stressed and I wonder why I find a way to get lethal drunk! 

  Money, cats, loneliness, happiness… will I ever be happy? Will life ever quit hating me?! 

  I’m still single as fuck as well. Don’t speak to anyone. Date. Etc. I just see no point. Guys want sex, and then to fuck off. It’s not good is it? I want something real, to actually have love and be loved back for once in my life. 

  I’ll settle for being rich though hahaha. 

Whatever, I’m so lost right now. 

Reach out if you give a shit if I was to die, or don’t and don’t come to the damn funeral!

  Life goes too fast… I wanna live before it’s too late but loneliness consumes me and makes me sad, chronic loneliness really is a thing! And a shitty one at that! 

  I need friends, or a guy, I will take either! Or a cure to loneliness. Like I’ve said if you give a fuck let me KNOW!!