Tuesday 7 September 2021

Really though, where do we go?

   It’s a question we all fucking ask… life after death… what the fuck happens? Do we just cease? Is there heaven or hell? An afterlife? What do you believe? What do I believe? 

  I don’t even know. Part of me wants the mythology side to be true, you can choose to incarnate or stay in the Underworld if you haven’t been evil… but then there’s the normal heaven and hell shite, up above if you’ve been pure, down below if you’ve been bad… then reincarnation off the bat. You die you’re someone else. You never remember who you was, if you was bad you’ll be punished. And lastly for me, afterlife as in ghosts etc etc. 

  The above four is what I do believe mostly but I do also believe we just don’t exist no more. That’s the scary thing. It really fucking is. I’ve been thinking so much lately, as someone I knew died, he absolutely hated me, which is fair enough as I did some bad things and told certain people stuff… I don’t want to comment, but yeah basically that happened for some reason it’s affected me, knowing I aint close to him or even liked by him or anything like that, but it’s like surely he isn’t dead right? Surely it’s just a farce… I don’t know why it’s affected me so fucking much but it has. Like. Really. 

  I think it’s hit me because I’ve lived mist my damn life wanting to give up and end it, in fact a tiny bit still does, because life is hard work, lonely and boring. Being disabled makes it all the harder… I need to write the books I want to write, I need to live, I need to feel, I need to find love, friends, people who give a shit, I need more from life, but those illnesses of mine make it so hard, I end up in a fantasy world. Books and games and TV shows beat real life. Being rich would make it better but I aint. I’m actually minus a grand in my bank, and about 3 grand in debt otherwise… money is shite. How can we live without it. We can’t but we don’t live without it. 

  I’ve got so much on my mind. And nobody to talk too. It’s always the damn case. I’m so fucking alone and lonely. I know I’m picky when it comes to guys, but why settle in a fucked up world and I’ll just be as bored. Friends. I have them. But not really. It’s complicated. 

  Now, even though I want to live, I’ll still have my shows and games and books… they’re not going anywhere. But I do want to travel the world, I want to be out there, I want people in my life to actually be there. To care. Life really is short. It flies by! I still feel like a teen! 

  Immortality… that’s something else discussed, vampires, werewolves, gods, angels, etc etc, does this Supernatural world exist? Probably not, just that fantasy life out there aint it. I wish I could live forever you know, I wanna see how the world goes, I don’t want to cease existing. That thought scares me so much. No longer existing. Can you imagine it? I do. All the time. I’m so scared of it. 

  I don’t want to die. Some of me doesn’t wanna live, since yanno I’m in constant pain, tired, constant battle with my head… I just want to know what happens though, if I could be immortal, someone make that so. I don’t want to be forgetten, I don’t want to even forget myself. I don’t want to not exist no more…

  Also… will I ever fucking find someone? I just get pied off. Everyone my age all loved up with a family… and I have nobody but my damn cats tbh! I wish I was good enough to be cared about, to be loved, to have love, to have happiness, I’m gonna cease existing and nobody will ever miss me… I won’t be remembered. 

  Let me be immortal please.