Friday 21 July 2017

A little bit of everything, all the hurt.

  Okay, most stories always have a 'happy ending'. Mine doesn't have that, but I would like to show people my story and struggles and hopefully people in the world won't feel so alone. Me too. Maybe. 

  I have CFS/ME. Depression. And IBS. All of which need to be made more aware of in the world, especially CFS not many know what it is. And to be honest, I have it, but even I don't fully understand. It can be hard work, and my case is only mild. For now. Steadily getting worse. Depression and IBS come with the CFS. There are many symptoms of CFS - here is a link that I found which best describes it - -
So I have a feeling. I have had this illness forever, why? I know I got more tired. I'd have to go bed super early be able get up in the morning for school, but even then it it would be a struggle, but then it steadily got worse and still is getting worse. I researched before going to the doctors, and I just knew I had it, at the time When it first got even worse, I worked full time and part time, I just split from an ex of mine, and this was around 2 & a half years ago. I had to change my doctors, and even now I refuse male doctors because every one of them said I was a liar and all sorts! I finally got my official diagnosis around January 2016... and I was happy that I was right, but gutted, there is no real cure or help, not really. I got referred to an ME clinic, but I stopped going. They just told me to wake up earlier and don't nap... but that is what I struggled with. I know my body better, I know what i can and can't do. I pace myself because I don't know if I could mentally cope being even worse, but at the same time my illness is slowly getting worse. I work part time now, and at first I was okay, but now even that has started to hurt me. I work at a bar in town and I love my job, it has just started to effect me. I will get home and my IBS flares up then I am unable to even sleep till around 11am! It would be nice to have a cure. It really would. Depression, it is an illness most people know of, but it also need consideration and talked about more, it is okay to admit you are not okay, it is an illness and I have fought it from high school. Always the one who is bullied and the loner, and I don't know I went through a lot and my depression just has never gone. People with depression need to be aware of that, it's not nice feeling so alone! 

  Ever since high school I have been bullied, I am now 24 and to this day I still get online trolls every day! In high school I started at one school, and for the first year I stayed there before moving to the next school- but got bullied at both schools. In the first year I was called Anorexic (I never used to put on weight), and dumbo (for big ears). Especially by one guy who started it off then everybody else continued it. It was hard work. But then i moved school... and I guess for a couple years it was okay- the same group of people etc, but then it changed the group split, some became popular. Me? I was a nobody and hung around with whatever person i could find... I was bullied then again too. I liked the guys in the year above, so I'd speak to one, but then I used to overtext, so I got the name 'stalker' everytime someone walked past me they would shout stalker, making me even more friendless. I was bullied by pretty much everyone. and no friends. It sucked. After leaving school, I joined Facebook like everyone else but rarely used it. Lived in my own bubble. Started College and finished and was kind of popular then. Then came the abuse (next paragraph) and I started University... where the bullies hit me at full force again, making me leave University. I was a loner there too. And then, the online trolls started. Using Facebook more etc, and I had a 'popular online presence' I spoke my mind etc, my photos were quite sexy, loads of comments and likes etc, had reached the friend limit, and then had thousands of followers... and that attracted the online trolls. Which still goes on, but I have become immune to it in a way. People trying to belittle me online, calling me all sorts, threatening to 'do me in'. But that's all they are online trolls. So I ignore it now. Doesn't bother me. I get lots of trolls, for me not caring, speaking my mind on statuses, my photos, even petty things like my tattoos because of me not following the crowds and getting ink that means something to me! But I know out there, there are plenty of people who aren't as strong and bullies get to them. So this part of my story I want to tell because if you're bullied you are not alone, choose to ignore it. Keep your head high. Even if you're alone like I am, just try to be strong. They just don't like themselves, jealousy, etc... stay strong. I got removed from Facebook, because of this bullies. Which is wrong as hell. They reported me and bullied me and said stuff like telling me to go and die... yet Facebook had disabled my account, won't reply to my appeals, yet these bullies are still on Social Media. They still say stuff about me too! I wanted Facebook to be able to keep in touch and stuff. Now I have never felt so alone. Pretty much don't speak to anyone. But what can I do. Facebook wrongly removed me, ignored my appeals, and there is mo way to get in touch!

  I have been in love 3 times properly. And I have never been loved. That thought is kind of a heartbreak in itself, to love but not be loved is hard. I never got over my first ex fully (the abusive one, coming up soon!). So when I got with the second ex I wasn't mentally okay. But I did love again. And things point to that he never loved me. I mean he got with someone one week after... it says it all! The third guy? He was my ex best mate. Used me when I was vulnerable, and then mugged me off and completely cut me off. So not only did I get used... I lost my best friend! That hurt. Not only this love three times and not being loved back... I have no real friends, I don't have much family who care about me either. And guys? Guys forever mess me around. In the end it's making me stronger, but I am building walls up. I don't bother anymore with many people. Loneliness and being aone, both different, both the same, but both heartbreaking...

  Okay. So everyone's stories are always about psychical abuse. But mental abuse is just as brutal! I have never gotten over this. And I don't know if I ever will. I met my first ex working in town at a different bar to what I am at now. I was a shot seller and he kept coming over and wouldn't leave me alone. I thought what have I got to lose? And gave him my number. We went on a date in the week, then next week? We decided to already be in a relationship. We moved fast. And it wasn't long before the mental abuse started. One time i left my phone on the side and came back into the room? My ex said 'someone has messaged you' I looked and it was a guy from the past... messaging me. And then my ex was giving me abuse saying I was a slag etc, I should have clicked walk away, but I was already in too deep. I just snapped my sim card and was like I'm changing my number then. He was still angry. But yeah. There was another time when he went theough my phone and saw an old photo of some guy who sent me a naked photo... honestly forgot about it. But yeah, he went into a rage then. After that it was little things, I was still in college at the time and he used to always check on my Facebook when I was there (I had to give him my log in details), and eventually I just deleted Facebook, yet he kept his. When I left College he didn't want me to work (no longer had my weekend job). And he'd belittle me constantly about university because he didn't want me to go but I was going too. Once we went on a night out with his friends, and I didn't really drink, but he made me and I only had one drink, then he was telling me off because I don't like dancing so didn't want to go dance, so he moodily sat with me saying all sorts of mean names, I ended up throwing up in the toilet, and we left, and he was annoyed at that too because he had to pay £50 in taxi fares. When we went Blackpool Pleasure Beach once. He picked up a fight because I didn't wanna go on the big one. But then he made me go on the ride that shoots up and I was crying... he bought that photo, so he clearly loved me crying. When we went paintballing for his birthday I kept getting stuck so said I didn't want to take part no more, just watch, he almost went mental at me then, but then his mates thankfully stopped him. Don't think they realised he was abusive though. The last straw was a holiday we was there and I couldn't walk out the hotel room without being told I was 'dressing like a whore for all the lads' and I was wearing sunglasses to look at other guys. He became ill and was hospitalised for a night, and then he was okay again, but I was ill but I was a bitch because K didn't wanna go on a night out due to being unwell. He went out, even though I stayed with him at hospital. I legit just stayed in the hotel room to avoid being argued with. But he'd disappear to the computers for Facebook etc. When we returned off this holiday he was mithering and pestering me to let him on my emails and I was like 'no point though, I don't use it' but he kept going on, and because there was an automed email saying some guy was trying to contact me on kik... he went mental again. I quickly logged out and he said 'log back in or we're done'. I just snapped then, I was done, so I walked away, before it happened to turn psychical, but it still effects me to this day, I still think 'what if'. I still even wish I was still with him. I'm not over him, nor do i think I will be. This part needs to also be told because emotional abuse hurts just as much as psychical... but isn't talked about. 

  So this part is about Financial Domination, what I do for money other than my bar work, because I don't get much money for two nights a week. I also don't want didability until I am worse... as it is very hard to claim for my illness. Even more so because I am actually working part time I'd struggle to get it. Financial Domination is 'Financially dominating someone for their wallet'. Most of the time guys pay for nothing. They are the best ones. But there are guys who want stuff and there are a lot of 'fetishes'. I've only ever done sexy photos, or humiliating a guy. That is self-explanatory. Humiliating a guy, basically taking the mick out of them or their penises. It's weird but yes it does exist! I have seen more f'fetishes' through other Dommes work, such as sissification- making a guy dress in womens clothes, chastity- locking a guy up in a chastity device- I've even seen some guy be told to sit in a nappy every day and keep the same one etc even after pooing! There is so much more- very weird. I've done this for about a year and half. And I also started to sell clips too around 8 months ago. As I saw other 'Dommes' doing it. And in the end I do make good money from them so kept them up. I'm not bothered about what I do, so I am probably the only Domme who admits to it and doesn't hide behind an alias. Besides, even if I did I would end up getting found out... my tattoos are extremely unique. I did try camming before this findom stuff- but waiting around wasn't my thing, amd I was under an alias there... and I got found out. Do i get naked on the clips? Yeah, and like I said not bothered. The price varies on what the clip or photo entails, but I do make good money which helps me look after my cats, and give money to my mum, and just to make myself better by spending because of my lack of life. Before I started I would worry. Would never be able to do anything. But now I can. Even if my illness makes me crash! Some people who have wrote to magazines etc leave out the most vital part of Financial Domination, it is easy money... but it also isn't. Unless you are hugely popular you can go times without anything. Which is why i started the clips. That was a decent payout... till I lost my Facebook. And I only have Instagram, Twitter, fetish sites to advertise myself! You need patience in this game. You can't expect money right away. And if you do don't lose that patience because it won't last. 

  I have no happy ending and I don't know what will happen next, what hurt I will experience next, because nothing ever goes good for me, I have never been happy, and I have come to believe I will never find a 'special someone'. But at the same time deep deep deep down, I'm hoping I'm wrong. Maybe my life will get better. I will finally have decent friends, I will find someone who actually likes me and doesn't abuse me or think of me as a burden (even though I am). And maybe my illnesses stop getting worse and getting better. I started to write a book, I want to finish this book, a fantasy book. And I also want to write a book about all my hurts and pains. If I don't have any happiness it's okay. By now I got used to it, and gotten used to being let down. Having nobody, nothing.

Thursday 20 July 2017

Mentally numb again. But still getting more and more symptoms.

  So it's been a couple days... but I finally am mentally numb again. I hate hate hate it when the depression side crashes. It's awful. But it's just what it is. It's just another illness that I have to live with. Another illness that won't just go. As much as people like to think that. Depression. It's fucking brutal. I woudln't wish it on anyone. Not really. To sit there day in day out and hating myself, hating life, and struggling to genuinely unable to cope with my CFS/ME.
  I know that I am lucky in the fact that my illness is currently only mild... and that I am only able to work weekends. But it's more than some people with my condition can do. And I know one day if my illness continues to go the way it does... then I will not be allowed to work no more at all. Not even those two nights. And that completely scares the shit out of me.
  Me working part time is a little bit of relief for all my mental bullshit... I mean I'm finally out of the house after having 5 days stuck in my room, stuck in bed. I'm also thankful that I am able to work out. Even if it isn't always every day, all the time, like I wish I could... I know if I pushed myself more though, I just know my illness would progress quite quickly. I mean, it is slowly going worse, I can feel it, like I go out for the day. And then the day after? I can't move so much. Feel hungover, so much pain, so much tiredness. God my illnesz, it's hard to describe to you all... especially if you haven't got it yourself. It's hard work. And as I always say I only have it mild.
  To those who have CFS/ME and it's moderate or severe. My thoughts go out to you, like you are strong. In my own way i'm strong too... i'm still here. Even though deep down I don't want to be here. But I still am. I'm fighting my illnesses. I'm fighting myself. I'm trying to be strong. Just sometimes I'm not strong.
  Today has been a really bad day CFS/ME wise. In it's own way. The pain is quite bad, I'm exhausted, but as always not sleeping at night because of the Insomnia, I didn't keep nothing in my stomach till about 5pm, which drained me even more. I took a nap. To feel a little better. But yeah... probably be up all night. My bones are aching which means my pain really is bad, because I normally just have muscle pain really. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my collarbones... on top of the constant pain. Oh and a migraine. I've been getting these more and more... always when I am trying to live! Fuck you illnesses. Seriously, fuck you!'
  I seem to be taking more and more pain pills, whatever I can get my hands, always more than 2, because 2 never fucking work anymore. It's why I drink too. It's so fucking nice to feel pain free... then all of a sudden I'm worse because of thencomedown from the alcohol. Why isn't there a cure, no real help? Please can someone make this happen. Don'r think anyone understands the pain... my arms can ache and I have to lean my arms on stuff to be able to read, hold stuff, even doing my makeup I have to lean and/or lie down putting makeup on.
  I'm fed up of getting let down and hurt me, like honestly. People think I don't give guys chances if they're not muscle men, but I do. I am picky as fuck though still regardless. Honestly, why are guys constantly acting like little fucking boys? I don't want to be single for life... but it's making it more and more fucking obvious that I will be single for life. A tough thought. An awful thought Which would be made easier... if I had friends, family, people getting me out, keeping me occupied.., but I don't not really. Fuck you people for being cunts hahaha.
  One thing I ask myself all the time is... 'why the fuck am I not good enough'. Because it seems to be the case. I am also 100% a lucky charm. People meet me. But it never gets over the 1 month mark, before some cunt I'm seeing turns to me and says 'I've met someone else'. It proper hurts. Just when i'm starting to let someone in they turn to me and tear me to bits all over again. And I sit here and think why the fuck am i giving chances? I should just simply not anymore. And tbh I don't think i will... I don't think I can anymore haha.
  At least I have cats hey. Seven now. My newest furbaby is a boy I think, Bella's and Blue's baby, and he is being called Cudi. If it turns out to be a girl then Rosie. I'm sure it's a boy though, utterly adorable. I can't wait for him to open his eyes. Happens soon. One little thing to look forward too ey.
  I really need to start writing again me, I mean I've done so much of my book, why the fuck am I not finishing it, and doing the others I want to do?! I need to get them done. I mean, I have no life anyway so it'd fill up time won't it?!
  Like... I honestly have no life. I beg anyone and everyone to come out. But nobody ever does. Unless it involves alcohol. So I do it because well, nothing else do. I don't work. So who cares if I'm worse for a week. Not like I'll be going anywhere, doing anything... I have nobody to see, nothing to do. It's shite. Super shite. Why am I in a place where there are no decent people?! There isn't any at all. I'm surround by dumb, selfish, jealous, dramatic people who constantly fucking spy on me... one good thing without Facebook that. Still want my account back. Fuck you Facebook! Even started a petition because I'm not the only person Facebook disabled then won't reply to the fucking appeals. Rats arses.
  I have so many DVDs and books me... like I said though. No life. My life consists of reading, working weekends, rewatching tv shows, cuddling cats, having conversations with my cats and myself... my life is fucking lonely being completely alone. That point was random haha.

  Thanks for reading. If you've read. Just a jumbled in the mind cunt.

Monday 17 July 2017

I've been okay, I've been strong, then it collapses all of a sudden.

  Isn't depression just a ballache to live with?! Mix that with IBS, my CFS/ME. And it gets worse. I have been okay and feeling fine after about 4/5 weeks maybe, but now. All of a Sudden it all comes crashing down. And my mood... it's sad, lost, empty. And it's like what the hell. I mean. Why is it me that has to suffer, constantly. I never get anything good, I never get happiness. I just get all the bullshit and unhappiness.
  I'm so alone. Lonely. Like, without Facebook, it's 18478383x worse. I no longer have Facebook to help me a little better... well. I dunno. Maybe that's why I've been so good without Facebook. Because I don't have the idiotic drama of cunts trying to give me abuse. Or seeing all those lovey dovey over the top bullshit posts. Pretty selfish those posts. Some of us can't even get a text back, never fucking mind a fucking relationship... does my head in.
  I can honestly say, I do believe I will be alone for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it hurts. But it is what it is. Some people have to live life alone. And clearly I am one of those. 'Mr Solo Dolo'. Clearly have to change that to 'Miss Solo Dolo'.
  Know what I have realised? I legit have no true mates, like at all. I have none. Why? Because I have to message first. I have to make effort first. I have to do it all. And I can't be fucked anymore. I just can't. I have lost the will to fight to have people in life. I genuinely have. I can't do it anymore. I just can't fucking do it anymore.
  I hate people so much. This world. This generation of people have fucked things up badly. The whole planet needs to be nuked. Nobody deserves a life anymore these days. Not even more. They're all too selfish, too nasty, you're all cunts, we're all cunts.
  In a perfect world people wouldn't be so bad, they wouldn't be so absorbed in social media etc that they are ignorant to the world outside of a phone and computer screen, people wouldn't be nasty, selfish, they would be faithful, etc, etc... blah fuck it, fuck people.
  Don't you just wish that life was easier? Well guess what. If you're a genuine nasty cunt... your life is perfect. I'm actually clearly too nice me, and that is why my life is a pile of shit and a constant fucking fight with myself to even stay alive- because fuck me, I just simply wish I was dead. People may read that, call me selfish, call me all sorts. Sorry, but it's just the way I feel. When you hve nothing and nobody... when you are so lonely, when you are do alone... you don't want to live, you see no point. And I believe that. Because every time I get a glimpse of being happy- it all fucking collapses. Happy things don't happen for me. I'm sure there is a force out there wanting me to die, I honestly believe that. I also believe that i am cursed. My life sucks. Hugely.
  My illness is yet again just constantly steadily getting worse. Like super bad. I try and live... I crash. Badly. More and more crashing all the fucking time. Stop! Let me live! There needs to be a cure for my cCFS/ME. Really does. Can someone please make that happen?! And please do not comment bullshit that has happened and helped others. Na. It don't seem to work for me... I have looked up loads of help etc... nothing has worked. I cope my way, and that is by sleeping my life away. Because... dreams beat reality... and well... what the actual fuck have I got to be awake for? I have no reason to fucking live never mind fucking stay awake.
  I do try and be okay and positive I honestly do... but then yeah, it just crashes anyway. And i'm 288383 steps back, feeling like utter bullshit. I hate life. I would gladly give my life to someone more worthy of life, because someone like me, clearly living is not supposed to be...
  Without Facebook... the Findom/Clips stuff is really bad again, it pisses me off! Like shit, I advertise on loads but Facebook was the best, and what? I'm not allowed Facebook anymore. I actually feel lost without it! But yeah. Findom and Clips is bad atm. If you're someone who pays... you know what to do, find out where to pay, etc... Facebook needs to give me an account! Ha. But everytime they kick me off. Utter bullshit! Ha.
  (Findom/Clips Info... site; iwantclips & search Abbyy36... two sites to buy clips or subscribe... hot content you won't find elsewhere, and yes you'll love it! Amazon GC; search the email for my wishlist too... Circlepay; don't use paypal, but ask me for a bank transfer details!)

  On a tiny good note... my kitty Bella had a furbaby... well she had two, one died, one is alive and well and super cute! I'm unsure if there are more. I don't think there are. This new baby will be called Cudi or Rosie... but I have to wait a bit you know... to ensure that I know the actual sex haha. It takes a while for me to figure it our. Can never bloody tell so early! Bella is loving her momma duty. And I have a mini purpose in life. Only tiny though!

  I always get ignorant asshats telling me 'at least you have your health' when i'm on about being down etc... like bitches. I don't though. My illness is bullshit because it's barey known etc, and like I said... I live, I crash and it annoys me. I want happiness, love, money, health, healthy cats....
You get my shit yeah? But what do I get? Nothing. Well. My cats are healthy, and haven't really struggled much money wise till facebook binned me off.
  Does anyone read my blog? I dunno. But for me it helps. I have nobody.