Monday 17 July 2017

I've been okay, I've been strong, then it collapses all of a sudden.

  Isn't depression just a ballache to live with?! Mix that with IBS, my CFS/ME. And it gets worse. I have been okay and feeling fine after about 4/5 weeks maybe, but now. All of a Sudden it all comes crashing down. And my mood... it's sad, lost, empty. And it's like what the hell. I mean. Why is it me that has to suffer, constantly. I never get anything good, I never get happiness. I just get all the bullshit and unhappiness.
  I'm so alone. Lonely. Like, without Facebook, it's 18478383x worse. I no longer have Facebook to help me a little better... well. I dunno. Maybe that's why I've been so good without Facebook. Because I don't have the idiotic drama of cunts trying to give me abuse. Or seeing all those lovey dovey over the top bullshit posts. Pretty selfish those posts. Some of us can't even get a text back, never fucking mind a fucking relationship... does my head in.
  I can honestly say, I do believe I will be alone for the rest of my life. And it sucks. And it hurts. But it is what it is. Some people have to live life alone. And clearly I am one of those. 'Mr Solo Dolo'. Clearly have to change that to 'Miss Solo Dolo'.
  Know what I have realised? I legit have no true mates, like at all. I have none. Why? Because I have to message first. I have to make effort first. I have to do it all. And I can't be fucked anymore. I just can't. I have lost the will to fight to have people in life. I genuinely have. I can't do it anymore. I just can't fucking do it anymore.
  I hate people so much. This world. This generation of people have fucked things up badly. The whole planet needs to be nuked. Nobody deserves a life anymore these days. Not even more. They're all too selfish, too nasty, you're all cunts, we're all cunts.
  In a perfect world people wouldn't be so bad, they wouldn't be so absorbed in social media etc that they are ignorant to the world outside of a phone and computer screen, people wouldn't be nasty, selfish, they would be faithful, etc, etc... blah fuck it, fuck people.
  Don't you just wish that life was easier? Well guess what. If you're a genuine nasty cunt... your life is perfect. I'm actually clearly too nice me, and that is why my life is a pile of shit and a constant fucking fight with myself to even stay alive- because fuck me, I just simply wish I was dead. People may read that, call me selfish, call me all sorts. Sorry, but it's just the way I feel. When you hve nothing and nobody... when you are so lonely, when you are do alone... you don't want to live, you see no point. And I believe that. Because every time I get a glimpse of being happy- it all fucking collapses. Happy things don't happen for me. I'm sure there is a force out there wanting me to die, I honestly believe that. I also believe that i am cursed. My life sucks. Hugely.
  My illness is yet again just constantly steadily getting worse. Like super bad. I try and live... I crash. Badly. More and more crashing all the fucking time. Stop! Let me live! There needs to be a cure for my cCFS/ME. Really does. Can someone please make that happen?! And please do not comment bullshit that has happened and helped others. Na. It don't seem to work for me... I have looked up loads of help etc... nothing has worked. I cope my way, and that is by sleeping my life away. Because... dreams beat reality... and well... what the actual fuck have I got to be awake for? I have no reason to fucking live never mind fucking stay awake.
  I do try and be okay and positive I honestly do... but then yeah, it just crashes anyway. And i'm 288383 steps back, feeling like utter bullshit. I hate life. I would gladly give my life to someone more worthy of life, because someone like me, clearly living is not supposed to be...
  Without Facebook... the Findom/Clips stuff is really bad again, it pisses me off! Like shit, I advertise on loads but Facebook was the best, and what? I'm not allowed Facebook anymore. I actually feel lost without it! But yeah. Findom and Clips is bad atm. If you're someone who pays... you know what to do, find out where to pay, etc... Facebook needs to give me an account! Ha. But everytime they kick me off. Utter bullshit! Ha.
  (Findom/Clips Info... site; iwantclips & search Abbyy36... two sites to buy clips or subscribe... hot content you won't find elsewhere, and yes you'll love it! Amazon GC; search the email for my wishlist too... Circlepay; don't use paypal, but ask me for a bank transfer details!)

  On a tiny good note... my kitty Bella had a furbaby... well she had two, one died, one is alive and well and super cute! I'm unsure if there are more. I don't think there are. This new baby will be called Cudi or Rosie... but I have to wait a bit you know... to ensure that I know the actual sex haha. It takes a while for me to figure it our. Can never bloody tell so early! Bella is loving her momma duty. And I have a mini purpose in life. Only tiny though!

  I always get ignorant asshats telling me 'at least you have your health' when i'm on about being down etc... like bitches. I don't though. My illness is bullshit because it's barey known etc, and like I said... I live, I crash and it annoys me. I want happiness, love, money, health, healthy cats....
You get my shit yeah? But what do I get? Nothing. Well. My cats are healthy, and haven't really struggled much money wise till facebook binned me off.
  Does anyone read my blog? I dunno. But for me it helps. I have nobody.

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