Sunday 22 January 2017

My ex broke me.

  Now for those reading this. I have only ever had two boyfriends really. All the rest were pointless shitty flings because males don't know how to just have one woman, and not pine after other women ether. But tbh my discoveries saw that my exes looked elsewhere anyway. Sexting is cheating. Cheating is cheating. Looking and wanting and messaging is disrespcetful.
  My ex broke me. My first ex anyway mainly. I was so madly in love, and part of me still is, part of me atill cries, part of me still wants, even though I know it was toxic and he never loved me back. He really didn't. If you want to know fully how this guy treated me then read a blog post on here called 'The Truth'. You'll understand more why it was so fucking toxic. God.
  I don't know why I have never gotten over him. I just haven't. Like I said the relationship was real toxic, but at the same time I was deeply in love. He may of hadn't loved me back, he may of been an asshole 90% of the time. But we had little moments. And I think it's those moments I want.
  I don't even think I know what it is like to be in a true relationship where both sides are deeply in love, so passionate for one another. My second relationship got comfortable too quickly and I think that is why regarding that one. I loved that guy too, don'r get me wrong. But I was scared to give it my all even though it lasted longer... like I said. The first guy utterly broke me.
  I'm crying when I write thise you know. Loneliness sucks and I just wish I could have someone again, but I know that will never happen. I'm too broken. Been messed around too much. I can't rrust. I get proven right every time I try you know. Like why can't I have love? Why is it so against me life to give me nothing but bad luck and to be so unloved and messed around huh? People are way worse than me and they get everything handed to them!
  I think another thing to get over was the emotional abuse from my first ex, I think I got away at the right time, before it got to being physical... but the damage had been done. Emotional abuse was just as bad. Being made to feel so worthless by the person you love was not a fun game in the slightest. My thoughts always return to the last few weeks of being with him, being on holiday with him. Having him tell me I was looking at other guys because i had on sunglasses. Being called boring coz I didn't like to drink, being made to drink a few times, being left to go and get pissed, having me wait in a hospital bed for him why he was on a drip ill, yet when I was ill I got left in the hotel room alone. Him leaving me to go on Facebook to message other girls. What a dreadful holiday. I'm trying to make it my very mission to get another holiday asap, to try and make a better holiday memory. Hmm. We'll see. I can't seem to forget. Ever.
  Getting home from that holiday, and just getting to the brakingn point so I had to leave. And I finally got the balls to leave him. But I saw him after we split. I wanted to get back together, he didn't but he just played along so he could use me for sex, yet he already was seeing the bitch he was talking too behind my goddamn back. Yep. He got with her 2 weeks after we split. While I cried for months, he was happy, and he still is happy, while I still am broken by him. How unfair is life really gonna be for me?!
  I opened up wounds you know. About just over a year ago. I went and met him. He has become single. He is still the same person. He never changed. Probably never will. Comtrolling, etc. All I did was look at my phone once and he was like quizzing me. And I got mini hurt because he actually still remembered things about me. Like what I'd drink.
  Not getting over my first love has broken me 100%. I can't be fixed. Because I can't be loved. I can't have a relationship. Noone understands how hard it is to dwell in loneliness. Be alone. Be hurting. All the time, forever. Facing facts that I'll never find anyone sucks. Happiness just doesn't seem possible for me. True happiness.
  I doubt this ex reads this blog to be honest. He doesn't think of me. I know that. I jsut wish I wasn't broken anymore, I'm fed up of crying. Fed up of hurting. Fed up of life.
  This blog actually had to be written because I am listening to WZRD (Kid Cudi). But like this was 'our album'. I dunno.
  I kinda got broken off my second love too, mind. But it wasn't so deep, because I obvioulsy still had part of my guard up, and tbh. It is now all the way up. I push people away, and they leave, and hat's for the best. If they can't withstand the pushing than you aint worth it... but at the same time. I still get a tiny bit hurt.
  Everytime I have a little bit of hope of meeting someone new, but they are the exact same as every male. It's like can a male not be a man anymore? Are they just legit all boys? Because it fucking seems it. Good as mates though, so male mates, try not to get offended. I love ya really haha.
  As I always say. There are only two things that give me a tiny bit of happiness, which is money and cats. Yep I seem to have turned superficial... but hey. I don't care you know! Cats, everyone knows I'm a sly cat lady, I have 5 kitties. And I want another kitten so I can raise from a baby again and have something to keep myself occupied, you know since i have noone who wants to help me and get me out the fucking house. Money? Yeah that makes me happy too! But you can tell it's January. The Findom world is full of timewasting idiots who expect shit for free, and clips sales are also slow! No, before you ask am I ashamed like many of you have... no I'm not ashamed. I can't work. I don't want to rely on the Government till I get worse with my illness, not just mild... you know when I need it more?! So yeah, not ashamed. Just wish I made more in Findom, but there are too many timewasters honestly. Gonna be skint till March it seems, but it's a good fucking job I know how to live on nothing. I lived on £60/70 a week (where I still have to pay my mum, pay for the cats, and pay for my own food, so absolutely nothing to spend on myself), so yeah I know how to live on nothing. But I prefer not too... hopefully you Financial Domination suckers stop being timewasters, and my clips bloody get bought again, £100 a day you know!!

  Anyway back to the subject of being a broken little mess, I'm feeling a tiny bit better blogging, whihch is why I started to blog in the first place! I'll be heading to bed once I've done this blog. Hopefully sleep also helps... but I hate waking up. I have no purpose in life, no reason to wake, and it's a sucky feeling. Getting to sleep consumed with dark thoughts. Waking and just thinking 'I never want to wake, I see no point'. I'm fighting my own head, it's a battlefield. And I feel at a loss. I'm a heartbroken mess, honest.
  Part of me wishes I never met my first ex,in fact any male. You've all contributed a little to make me feel so shit you know. Being little fuckboys. And no, I haven't always gone for muscle men, so no you can not blame that :)! I miss my ex. I hate him. I still pine for me. I don't miss him. It's all so confusing. He definately full on broke me. Which lead to my second relationship also breaking me. And just being a hot mess and being fucked around ever since!
  It's an even more sucky feeling I have no person genuinely there for me. People say they are... but where the fuck are you messages out the blue asking am I okay? Nowhere unless you fuckers want something, or I message first.
  See what bullshit I have to put with? How much bad luck I have?! Noone cares. I see that. So I'm fighting this battle by myself. But I tell you now. If my life is still riddled with bad luck by end of thise year? Then it's goodbye me. I won't be missed. Fake bitches be acting like they do when they've been two faced spineless cunts. I'll come back and haunt your fake asses for your pretence!
  My life leads no purpose so I don't care. I wake. I read, watch things, talk to myself and sleep again. Because I can't fucking work coz of this disgusting illness. I wish the doctors would fucking start looking into it. But na. I just get left with no fighting chance. So it's another battle I lose. Being in these four walls drives me crazy. I want to work again but I can't. And it sucks. If I could work I'd just work all the time. I don't have a social life so why the fuck not!
  I hate life. I have no luck. No matter how much I try. And yes I have tried but I always end up bck to quare fucking one. Fuck you life. Horrible thing.
  Anotther thing is my sex drive you know that's annoying. I never had one. Ever. But these past few months its crazy... what the fuck am I meant to do? It hurts sometimes you know actually being turned on 24/7, I'm not even joking. And because I'm not a slag, and guys are fuckboys and fuck and chuck and don't do it regular... I just have to be actual horny all the time. I'm not joking. I just got good ignoring it. But sometimes it makes me physically hurt... surely can't be normal. But I cam't be fucked. Wish you boys knew how to be man. And knew how to handle women! Haha.
  Yeah, well I should sleep. Honestly. But thankyou dear people, especially my first ex to making me a broken mess. I want love, hut it seems I'm unworthy. So animals and money it is for another few months.

Sorry for being a heartbroken, broken utter utter mess. Thanks for reading. If you do, it's my longest post yet. Jeez. Essay and half. But I feel a little better.

No comments:

Post a Comment