Saturday 14 January 2017

You really do not never forget.

  It is totally fuckong true when they say 'you never really get over or forget your first love'. I don't get why. But I haven't. I really haven't. And it's been nearly 5 years.
  The fact that he was controlling, emotionally abuse, I think that is part of it too. He well and truly fucked me over. But I still think of him, still miss him, even though I know he hasn't changed. Well not with me. I have no idea how he acted with the other two women after me.
  I know he's the same as I met up with him like a year ago, someone messaged me when I was with him and he acted the same way as he used too whenever someone messaged me. It's kind of a good job he found someone else... I don't think I could have walked away myself.
  In a way it's a good thing we split when we had, because I know he would of eventually gone physical as there were a couple of scary times, one whn he ounched a hole through the wall and another when he brokt the bathroom door handle. Hm. That one scared me, but only because he got himself stuck in the bathroom.
  He has mentally fucked me up. I am so broken because of him. Even when I got with the last ex you could still see I was broken, even if I did love again. I was a different person, colder. And even now I'm colder still. But I have my needy moments, but now I have noone, and believe I never will.
  I don't want to love again, but at the same time I do. I want the love in books, movies and shows... but we all know that does not exist. Love in reality fucks you up big time. I'm still fucked. And it's been a good few years.
  I don't know why I'm not fully over as it wasn't exactly a good relationship. Must really be because he was my first love. I dunno. My head confuses me. The world confuses me. Everything fucks with me. I loved him but he mever loved me, he cheated, yet accused me 24/7. Emotionally scareed forever.
  My heart aches. I wish I was normal. I wish pure uncomplicated love existed.

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