Friday 11 June 2021

There’s more...

  Been sat thinking about the last post and been like, ‘hold on there’s stuff I forgot!’ So instead of Facebook though, it’s just gonna be here. I mean, why not. Like I’ve said most wouldn’t even read what I say, anyway. So let’s go. Again. 

  I have some skin condition on my head me, I say my head because it is literally just my scalp, ears and face. Mostly scalp and ears. Tried many things for both. Nothing works at all. Don’t try and suggest. I’ve probably tried it. I have scabs sometimes in my head as I will literally sit itching or scraping my scalp. Sometimes I do it too much and it hurts! As for the ears they’re just as bad with fuck all to help, Especially the inside of my ears, forever making them swell and get infected from too much itching! It’s gotten worse though as it used be just the inside but now it’s outside too. And face. Well. Face aint so bad, it itches. It burns. And if I have a flare up I get dry patches. I must put about 10 moisturers on daily. Again nothing works too well. I’m still driven mad with itchiness and burning, ohh and not forgetting the redness! But I’m used to shit having no cure or proper help. It’s just the fucking normal for me, isn’t it! Can’t sleep when writing this due to me itching my scalp off- but I won’t be posting yet as more I wanna say... just wanna vent about how itchy I am hahaha! I mean, I do get itchy skin all over but it’s the worst there. And since it’s getting worse all the time, no doubt it won’t be long till my body starts to itch. Lord save me. It drives me fucking crazy. 

  I should be used to the lonely and alone life thinking about things. I’ve never had true mates. Ever. I mean I did have one close friend... but then high school started and I lost her that much was obvious and then I proceeded to jump from group to group during dinners etc, I was such a damn nerd. But because my memory only seems to remember the past well- I remember the most then. Hey, those were the start of my mental problems. Especially with BPD, blowing up people’s phones. Especially if I didn’t get a reply in seconds, and getting the great nickname of stalker! I was obsessed with a lot of the guys in the year above. But me being a loner and ugly I only lost my V when I left school. And I had no confidence in High School either. Of course, leaving I chased those old crushes and I can say some of them have been under me hahaha. I hated High School. But I crave to do it again and be popular, but at the same time it makes you don’t it. The shite you go through. Coz of course I was bullied as well. I remember one asshat messaging me a few years ago on Bumble saying ‘you’re still the pale weirdo you was in school’. Like being pale is an actual fucking insult. I can promise you all now- I don’t suit a tan or being orange. But I’m also fucking wonderful as I’m colourful as fuck. Haha. 

  Let’s touch base on the friends thing again. They see my posts. They see my cries for help. But do one of them bother to message first and reach out? Naa. This is why I say I have no mates. Not truly. I have people I see and/or speak to on occasion. That’s it. Haha. I try. Hell. I really do. But it just seems that the North West of England just has assholes! 

  I’m a nail biter. Tried everything I can to stop but just doesn’t happen. I have actually done it since I was about 7! Tbh though, I got fat hands, me and all my sisters have. I do not suit nails! Couldn’t even wear a ring haha! 

  Constant pain does not seem nice right? I can confirm it’s fucking awful. But when awake you get soooo used to it. When I sleep and then I wake up the pain and exhaustion hits like a damn brick. Because being asleep you can’t really feel it. I literally have not much relief. It’s why I became a mini alcoholic with cocodomol... both makes me numb but blacks me out! Honestly I shit you not. I know fuck all but the pain. Before I got diagnosed and knew CFS existed I just thought it was the normal you know? Like everyone has a sore back, everyone has arms that hurt if they do anything. But then I found out what it is... and I’m just like so it’s not normal to be in this pain all the time? It’s just me?! And nothing really helps? Oh. Right then. I guess I’ll just have to keep putting up with this shit. I mean, to be honest, I am kinda used to it. Mainly. But then, when it’s bad it brings tears to my eyes, it sucks honestly. 

  Alot of people wonder how I manage. And say they’d not manage. That I’m strong. And all this. And I guess they’re right. But why the hell do I have to be strong? When people just get good things handed to them! Guys always cheat, yet get all the happy endings. I’ve had chicks forgive the guy, blame me, then get back with them. Even had one get married to him! Though I think that was coz she was pregnant. But each to their own. 

  Guys suck, sorry not sorry! I have two exes, and then everyone else just guys with broken promises and acting like together till ‘someone better’ comes along  and so my little heart is constantly broken! So yeah, I no longer how to be with a guy... I hate humans and prefer cats! My first love, and probably only one I truly loved proper messed me up... I know what it is to love  but no fucking clue how to be loved, as nobody has ever loved me, that’s a fact! That first ex was emotionally abusive, and yeah, just don’t have a damn clue! Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to find SOMEONE, but I just don’t think that’s gonna happen for me, honestly, only ugly guys hit on me, and about 89% of them already are married or taken! Yes I know looks are not everything, but they play a big part as I’m clearly into the looks, sometimes I wish I was blind! 

  I’m trying not to nap right now. So gonna head off and get myself in Sims. There’s more I need to say... but at the moment I just cannot think! So keep an eye out ehh. 

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