Thursday 10 June 2021

Facebook post to Blog post

   Hi guys! So if you have me on Facebook I had a huge rant... and I thought I would copy and paste here as it’s a deep one. So here you go guys...



This is gonna be an essay type status. And then I’m just not gonna post for a couple days (well maybe some selfies!)... as Social Media, it’s just effort. I miss Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Piczo, and black and white mobiles to play snake on and never have credit on... everything was simple. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­.

Okay. So yeahh. I know I can tend to moan alot. And I’m sorry! Haha. I guess I’m like Kanye... can’t hold back with the updating πŸ˜‚πŸ‘€. 

So, I know I post alot about my illness for one. For those wondering, as always. What I have. CFS/ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and can never spell the other πŸ˜‚. BUT not just this, I have illnesses within the illness... Fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, RLS, suspected BPD, most definitely chronic loneliness (yep it’s a thing!) and no- I will not stop mentioning about being disabled and not looking as it totally needs more awareness! Stomach problems. I’m in constant pain. Doing stuff makes my body shut down. I no longer can work atm. I can’t work out either which really gets to me- I’m such a mini chunk and I miss being my skinny self. I literally lost 4 stone a few years ago, kept it off till I super declined with my illness. I just want to be able work out. And actually work. And I try with the working out. But yeah. Blah. So much I go through. I can’t even explain. Every case is different. Every person handles it different. There isn’t a cure. Or real help. 

Yeah I am lonely. And alone. I have friends sure. But do I have the close friends? True friends? I dunno. It’s always me who makes the damn effort, if I don’t I won’t hear from them. I’m always the one paying. Well. Mostly. Does anyone truly know me? Do they fuck haha. And as for guys... do not get me started. Single six and a half years. Without sex for one and a half. I don’t even know how to be with a guy. My exes fucked me up, and actually every male I ever encountered. If I’m honest with that one! I can honestly say I don’t know how to be with a guy anymore. I mean my first ex was controlling and emotionally abusive etc. I have accepted that I probably will never find anyone to be with. And that’s okay. Just would be nice to yanno. Hmm. Would also be nice have a friendship like those I see with others, someone who’d just pop round if I was on a downer, who’d be there, no matter what. 

I told you this would be a long one! Are you still reading? Probably not. 

I’m trying you know guys. I may not post the positive statuses or whatever but I do sit here and I’ll say to myself that it will get better. I’ll pray. I’ll hope. But it just doesn’t seem to happen. I started practising witchcraft too. I have a tiny tiny bit of hope, but I am losing it. And that part of me just wants to jump off a bridge. Or cliff. But it scares me. Them thoughts. Because not existing is a damn scary thought. I would prefer to live forever. But immortality isn’t a thing. 

I’m addicted to cocodomol. Not mentally. Just the body. I’m trying not to take so much... but with the pain I’m in... it’s hard. It hurts to even lift my phone sometimes, my book when I’m reading, in fact reading a book actually bruises my hands where I’m holding itπŸ˜‚. 

I have the little things in life that make things a tad better... quiz nights (even if I end up alone, which is alot of the time as I get left), they also are pretty much only time I go out or see anyone or speak to anyone. I have my cats, 16, proper crazy cat lady but no fucks. I would not be here without them. Trust me. They make life bearable. Take the lonely feeling away abit. I have my books, which I read alot of. I mean so far this year I’ve read nearly 80 books already! (Just sucks when the illness is on one I can’t concentrate on anything. I just have to sit there!). I have my TV shows- totally a sucker for reality TV. American TV is the best and the British is the worst. We had good shows in the past... I mean everyone knows how obsessed I am with Skins! And even Hollyoaks used to be bloody decent! But these days? American beats them all. I have my gaming... I’m obsessed with Fallout, and Sims, but so many other games, hate online tbh, only really play Fallout 76 which is online. I have my music too, my Kanye, Cudi, Vic Mensa, and all the rest. I absolutely love how Vic actually replies and RTs my stuff. 93 babies gotta stick together! Oh. And family. That’s a bit of a complicated one. I live at home. Still. Yes. At 28 I’m still home in a tiny damn room. My mum, sisters and nephew are here too. Three sisters. But, sometimes we don’t get along, would love my own place etc, and I feel like a huge burden... because I need help. Thankfully never been stuff too much. Just help with the cats. Help make sure I eat. I stopped working and working out to stop the decline being as fast as it was being... and now I’m in a kind of okay place where I am managing to go downstairs, and eat, which is good. But like I said I miss work and working out especially with me being a chunk now! I am trying to work out more. Again. And let’s hope I get a good weight again. I flit between 10 and 11 stone. I have rolls. Blah. But I also like sugar and food. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­. Cannot win. But I will do this. Hopefully. Went off subject but basically feel a burden to the fam I do have active in my life.

Something you probably don’t know about me- I want to write my own book. I did like nearly finish one then lost my head... that was in 2016, I am determined to finish. But, I also have other ideas and I think I’m going to start those. I want to write based on Skins, everyone who’s watched it knows about the damn cliffhangers, I wanna tie those off use my imagination etc. I miss that show!! I was thinking of doing that with Waterloo Road too... at the beginning with Chlo and Mika! 

I’m just going on now right? But. Basically. I know I’m a head case. I’m not always negative, promise. I just tend to rant on here as I have nobody to fucking rant too. As the lack of friends, being single forever, and lack of fam and feeling how I do with the ones I have 🀷‍♀️. I actually dislike people and do not know too much of a decent person in this area that I am in. Would love to move away. Why can’t I bloody be rich?! Would make life easy! Yeah- I’m also materialistic! A little. Money does make me happy. I have spending issues though. 

Currently -£350 in my bank. Like fml πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜­. But yeah would totally pack up and move with the cats and get more cats and not worry about money, oh and travel again! I mean. I mostly spend time in bed in the hotel but yeah. I would still like to travel. Before covid I went three places in 2019, I need to save and travel again. Hopefully. I’d hire some people to find an illness cure. Just yeah. But won’t happen unless I win the lottery ehh. 

People ask me about OF all the time and IWC. I will tell you abit about that... a guy once contacted me asking to buy me gifts and would empty my wishlist but then he disappeared. Then I found out about Financial Domination... and carried it on. But that only lasts a little bit of time. Unless you have millions of followers. So then I saw a site called iwantclips, and I started being on this five years ago, then I joined onlyfans a year later. And I’ve been on since. I don’t make as much as others say they do and buying their own houses. I mean shit. I’m highly into the minus. But I’ve done it too long it’s just normal to me. I don’t really do findom no more- that doesn’t work when nobody wants that and too many ‘newbies’, which sucks as I miss Amazon turning up and my list being emptied! πŸ˜‚. Which then has me going and putting myself more in minus buying stuff myself off my list πŸ˜‚. Oops. 

I live in a fantasy world, within my books etc, as reality is lonely, reality is hard. All I want is to be happy. And I’m trying. My illness limits my life. And that sucks. Loneliness consumes me. That sucks too. But I’m still here and I wanna finish the books, at least. I wanna love my cats and be here for them. My head needs to stop being split... with half wanting to be gone and the other wanting me to live forever. Such a complicated mind, ehh. And only myself to talk too. 

Anyway. That’s the end of this giant status and me venting my head off, probably delete it, nobody probably read it, or at least not all, but if you did? Let me know ehh? I’d be curious.  

Goodnight all, πŸ’‹

1 comment:

  1. I read it all. I was curious I will admit. Not everyone has a perfect life. We all deal with our issues differently. I can sympathise with some of what you go through, and relate to other parts, but the only person knowing the truth is you. I hope you finish your book and get it published. I hope each day gets brighter for you. Big hugs.