I am fed up. Purely fucking fed up. Why? Every second I’m fighting life literally. I can’t live. Not anymore. I’m exhausted at trying. I’m so close to just ending it all, I really am. I mean what sort of life is mine? I just sleep. Literally. I just fucking asleep all the time. Literally. All the time. I got out of bed at 1 today. Come 2? I was back in bed and been to sleep till about 5. Now I’m about to eat and I bet I fall asleep again, always happens.
But then it hits like 10/11pm... and I’m awake and okay. Is it bad that I actually look forward to that? To feeling a tiny bit alive. Even if I’m awake all night?! My god. I’m fed up. Seriously.
What good am I? What good is my life? There is no good. Just bad. Literally just bullshit I go through. All the time. Every second. I have never got anything good. I just legit get shit after shit, bellend after bellend. It’s so unfair. I deserve happiness. I deserve something good. Yet it’s the bellends who don’t who get it.
The CFS of mine is the worst. I don’t know how people who are much worse manage to stay alive. Mine is only mild. Steadily getting worse. And I’m so fed up I don’t know anymore. Like. Honestly. I just don’t know.
I’m strong I know this, but I’m just getting so pissed off. I really can’t live without crashing. I do something end up in bed for days! I haven’t got out of bed since Monday this week. Well obvs in bits, make food, eat, back bed, go for a pee, go back bed. Crap.
I know I go on about my illness and stuff.... but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome needs more awareness. In fact, it needs more help because there is currently fuck all for this bullshit illness. I mean I have pain pills but they don’t really work anymore. Cocodomol kind of does... but I can’t take that long becauss of the problem of becoming addicted on accident quickly! Paracetomol doesn’t work unless I take loads... which brings me to the fact it’s blatantly fucking up my stomach because it burns all the time.
I want someone to stop neglecting this illness and actually look into it. I know cancer is bad, I know there are worse. But the thing is more and more people are getting this CFS and more and more people are getting ignored about it because they think it isn’t real and slate it... like, shit, I wish I didn’t exist. I really do. It’s so shitty not being able to do anything. Or doing something and having to sleep for days and hours instead after.
People always go on about me working part time, going out on a Sunday... but you really need to realise... I sleep for days before. I sleep for days after. That’s how I manage going out. And even then I struggle. I wake and there’s so much pain, always so much pain. Like my muscles are being set on fire and if it’s worse, my joints are being set on fire too... shitty shitty life of mine.
I don’t know how much longer I can live my life without living anymore, I really don’t. I give up...
