Present? Future? Past!

   I just can’t get out of the past. Even though most of my life has been a ball of unhappiness... I just cannot get out of the past. Maybe it’s because it’s rare I remember stuff these days. Like, honestly. I’d have been date-texting someone or whatever and we’d stop and I’d forget. Or just people in general making friends with them or whatever I’d forget. 

  Just goes to show I have major fibro-brain. But like I can remember the past so intensely I pine for it. I mean. I know I shouldn’t. And I wish I didn’t but I do. 

Fallout 76 CAMP tour

Corona lockdown an update and some venting.

 Hey guys... been a while since I blogged. Sorry about that! Anyhow we all know what’s going on with this world, and if you don’t you must live in the woods with no contact to the world (lucky you!) haha. Covid-19 is still tearing apart the countries of this world. But what people don’t get is that it’s more than just a bad chest- you have a cold, more than likely a mild case, tonsillitis is also related- also not bloody related to 5G. Cmon guys stop being dumb. 
  Anyhow, with my illnesses lockdown is the norm for me- I don’t go out anyway- I’ve already had this virus twice, once over New Year when people didn’t know this virus was present and then a month ago- and I’m prone to getting it again. Thanks illnesses! 
 But yeah, normal for me not going out- at least people can have an inking of what I have to deal with, though going out isn’t even a kick to the teeth to the rest of the shit I need to deal with. Honestly, I’m fed up of being full of illnesses. I wanna be free, free to get out! Free to do things like work and work out. Blah!! 
  I’m meant to be going away in July.... I wonder if that’ll happen. I also want to travel to American that has got to happen soon too! Blah. Just have to be careful. Sun kills me off, but I like to travel, in fact everything kills me off these days. 
  I had another breakdown, two days ago, I’m used to being lonely and alone, but it hit me brutally again. I mean, it hits me all the time but I push it away. Everyone knows by now what I want by now, and that’s a relationship. But nobody near me is genuine and attractive- trust me. I always get told I won’t and can’t get someone coz of what I do- hey at least I’m open about it and not hiding it- least you know what you’ll get. I know plenty of chicks who hide what they do, some with boyfriends that don’t know... cmon guys its 2020- sex sells, just join in. 
  A relationship for me is wanted because I’ve been on my own so goddamn long. But at the same time it’s like I push people away so much as well- my walls are super high, I get super jealous and worry so much, I know I’m alot to deal with but I know I’m also worth it in the end. It just ducks honestly that I cannot find anyone. I’m not even joking. I really can’t. 
  I spend my days checking my phone, and then getting upset because I never have any messages. I know Facebook randoms try- but I’m sorry there’s no point me replying I’m not interested in dating you, you’ve not sent gifts, you’ve not signed up for content... you’re not going to get a reply, unless it's a very interesting message you’ve sent me haha. I know that seems mean- but what’s the point, I don’t need no new mates. 
  I’ve been single 5 years 6 months now. And all I’ve had is being messed about and let down so fucking much. Even when I wasn’t single. My first love, the love of my life, he never loved me but he’s happy asf nowadays- but I’m still not over him, and it’s been almost 8 years. It’s so true when they say you never get over the first love. My second boyfriend also didn’t love me. And he’s happy. Maybe the key to getting someone is making someone love me and me not loving back... I dunno. 
  People always say that ‘love yourself first’, well excuse me I do. I’ve come a long way, trust me, I used to hate myself, I mean sometimes I get upset over my looks but I don’t dwell on it anymore, I post without makeup and filters and I gotta say I look decent haha. Even though I keep getting bloody spots, my skin is worse than a teens! (Hello illnesses again making me spot prone). But yeah I do love myself, life is too short. And I can’t change anything. Besides I’m easily a 7 😂💁‍♀️. I just want to extend my love to someone else, and in the words of Cudi, ‘if you love soft, you already lost, but oh if you love hard, you should let down your guard and follow your heart’ and I can honestly say I’m a hard lover, except I don’t let down my guard fully. I try, but then things get cut down short anyway! I also get told ‘stop looking and it’ll come’ - this is also a load of shit - why? Because I’ve done that and still didn’t find anyone and still got fucked over. I’m a believer in fighting for what you want, and I do. But guys get scared. Understandable. I wish I could find someone as emotional as me and wants love and no games. 
  I started to practise witchcraft, now it’s not like in the books, films, TV, though I wish it was, it’s more chill, it’s more protecting yourself, and it really does work, I started winning at quizzes and having more luck with sales. Till recently. But I’m not getting into why haha. 
  Which also has me pointing out sales are bloody low as at the moment! I don’t get why...! Maybe coz of lack of people working and the fact gals be coming into my business with their $3 onlyfans... excuse me doll you’re worth more than that, get upping those prices and fuck off. People tend to tell me it aint a business, but it kinda is. I’ve been doing these sites waaaay before people had them being popular. It’s a joke. Also the fact gals who slated me are fucking doing it themselves now. Like, really?!!!
  My birthday has passed, and I gifted myself so much haha. My mum got me some cat bits that I’ll never use (like a mini purse) haha. Had a couple people buy off my wishlist too... but I’ve realised that my ‘fans’ don’t like to spend. And if you’re reading this right now you need to start signing up or gifting...’you’ll be making me happy! Yes, money buys my happiness, it’s why I’m shit at saving. I’ll see something I’ll get it. Even if I have no money I’ll get haha. You should late-gift me💕. 
  Still got 12 cats, still got so much love. And I’ve realised I was clearly meant to be a witch.... Witches and cats go together! My youngest two are thriving but like their mama seem to have stopped growing! Still, forever broody for more cats. I’d love more. 
  I’d also love to move out, but lack of money and the fact I haven’t a stable income means I’m still home, 27 and I still fucking live with my mum and sisters. I’m thankful though, at least I’m not homeless, at least they help me if and when I need- which can be alot. I’m bed ridden a lot of the time. So yeah. They just don’t believe like the rest of the world that my illnesses exist. Well, I think my mum finally is getting it a little but my bratty sisters still sometimes suck. I wish I had more illness support, it sucks. Will I ever move out? I dunno at this rate! 
  I feel like a burden, I feel like the world is against me, I feel like a failure. Being my age and having nothing to show for it. I still feel like a kid. I mean, like I said still at home, don’t work becuaee my body won’t let me, spend most my time in my room- which is the smallest- and I have a lot of stuff. I also still have posters and calendars on my wall from when I was younger, I hate bare walls. 
  There’s so much of my past that I miss and I know it holds me back but I also can’t seem to get on with it. It’s all I think and dream of, and it’s shitty. I still pine for my shitty relationships even though they treated me shit. And I still pine for those friendships from the past even though they left my life. But ah well. 
  I am thankful to be alive and shit- I promise. Just hard sometimes to keep on fighting. But I’m still HERE. Part of me actually wishes I could live forever, turn me into a vampire already. I’m thankful for the little things too. I say it daily to myself, and I hope my happiness and love will come soon. 
  Oooo may as well slip in some little things bit here, Fallout 76 has just been updated completely and basically it’s a new game. Didn’t take me long to complete the story side and there are a few other bits. I hope they keep updating and adding and then it’s abit more like Fallout 4 with endless things to do... they most defo need to extend the building limit and add decorations and such where we don’t have to constantly pay for. I mean, I used to put forks and knives and plates on tables and shit like that be fun be able to do it. I do hate the fact when you go into darker places everything is like lever 60+. I mean I know I’m level 63, but I don’t play to fight, I play to game! Oh and the whole perk card shit needs to be fixed. Only allowed a certain amount of points and having to click through and move points over to another, how annoying just give me as many as I can and let me make my character strong. Instead of being knocked out in one hit if not in power armour. Still. A great game. And I do recommend it. Fuck the bad reviews. I liked it before the NPC’s as I normally skip the speech anyway. 
  Have you ever wanted to jump in a book? Film? TV show? Yeah? Me too. It’d be brilliant if I could be in Twilight and be in that world, or just any supernatural world haha, I mean if the supernatural world is already alive here, turn me into a vampire. Would be nice to be without pain and shit haha. 
  Speaking of pain why does getting inked gotta hurt so bad?! People don’t believe me when I say the pain is so bad because I’m covered... but I would be more covered if it wasn’t for the pain. I try and numb my ink, otherwise I end up pushing away from the tattooist. I always wanted a vampire/angel back piece but it’d kill me off, cmon guys make tattooing pain free pls! The pain got worse when my illness pain did. 
  Anyhow, caught you up, mostly, still just plodding along in bed. Hope you enjoyed reading. If of course you read. And you read it all. 

Love, the chronically ill and hopeful for her happiness, 

Abbyy Lewis. 

Links

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Basically everything I use. 

IF I SENT YOU THIS LINK IT MEANS YOU CONTACTED ME, and if you want a reply; money or gifts💁‍♀️🤷‍♀️!! 
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Are Vampires Real??

  The age old question everyone asks. Are vampires real? Such a good question, so unanswered.Cannot just be me who wishes they were. And if they are,please come turn me. ha. I mean, I hate humans and to be pain free? Hell I would take that, amongst the rest.
  Does anyone know if they are? I wanna know, I think now is the time to come forward! haha, My main type of book is always a 'Supernatural' type books- but also partial to dystopian and romance too. 
  I wonder, if werewolves, withces, etc etc etc are real too. I mean we all live to hope. But we never fully know...

Bucket List!

  Every day. Every second. I’m getting worse. Currently lay here in bed wanting to be but just not having any energy, my arms ache from holding my phone, my neck aches from holding my head, my legs ache from holding my body.
  It’s pretty unfair just how sick I am. But there are a few things I’d love to do. So here’s my Bucket List. I know some of the stuff will be impossible. But hey ho. A girl can dream. I mean, I actually do. When you’re like me you dream to the point where you confuse reality and dreams... mental huh?
  Well here goes;

-Visit America. Nowhere specific. Everywhere. Everyone knows how obsessed and in love with the place I am even though I haven’t been. Well, I have in dreams haha.
-Empty my wishlist. I’ll get there one day. Just full of mainly books and games to lose myself in.
-Travel abit more. If possible. I don’t know where else I wanna go, Iceland, maybe Greece, like I said above definitely America...
-Move the hell out with my cats. (Currently impossible. Can’t work, and needing help to live sometimes... blah).
-Find love. (Impossible but not).
-Read all my books and complete my games- story anyway. I mean I love to get lost in fake worlds as I keep saying. Gotta live my romance, friendships, happiness somewhere if I can’t have it in real life.
-Keep fighting. This is a mission. As I really want to give in and give up. I have nothing keeping me here but being scared to die. Part of me is thankful I’m still here and wants to live forever, but at the same time I just want to be done. I mean, my life isn’t worth living. I’m always in bed. I’m always sick. I’m always in pain. I see no points.
-Meet my favourites; Kanye, Kid Cudi, Chance and Vic Mensa. (Again more than likely impossible).
-Adopt more cats. (i wish!!)

That’s all I can think of. There isn’t much. But alot of it is more than likely never gonna happen. I mean how can I empty my wishlist with no money? Haha. How can I meet my favourites? Oh well, main thing for me is finding love and seeing America. We shall see.

Paris, France.

  Paris, France; my latest destination, and the worst Holiday ever. It has made me realise I prefer my own company- others are just annoying and considerate, especially when it comes to myself being sick. And not looking sick.
  The person I went away with kept waking me, made it awkward at the get-go to the point I avoided him, and in the last two days I had to get a second room just so I could get some sleep, as he kept waking me! (Hint here to help me with sales get out of Overdraft!) He knows who he is, and I appreciate him saying sorry towards the end, but too late an unejoyable holiday for me..!
  I realised I like to go on holiday... but I aint too 'touristy', the only place I visited was The Eiffel Tower and a cruise after it, alone. Very relaxing, but I did get bored on the tour of the Tower. I didn't really want to visit anywhere else.All the tourist places anyway, just liked to be out of England.

  I still want to travel, and my biggest aim is America, it's just hard, money wise and not just money wise but illness wise. I know it's best to travel alone, since well I know my illnesses the most and won't wake myself up. But what if I collapsed? And what about my travel sickness on top? It's all scary.

  Anyhow Paris- it's a beautiful city, all white washed buildings, my hotel was on the outerskirts called Malakoff, Adagio Aparthotel... and yep it was a hotel with a kitchenette- for fellow travellers this saves money completely, take some pasta in your suitcase and if you're at a loss for money, you're sorted! I always aim for hotels with a kitchenette these days- also one near other places to eat out if wanting too. Thankfully the hotel we were at was at a decent place- my favourite place was a bakery across the road- I went in mostly every day- and my IBS only played up on the last day so I could enjoy myself!
  The food there I would get with- I have a sweet tooth- something they clearly have too... sugar in the morning, sugar all day! Proper baked goods! I enjoyed the eclairs- they filled them with Chocolate, then there were these cakes like the eclairs but as a cake... yum!
  All in all, the best part was clearly the food. I did enjoy myself, but need to be careful with who I holiday with. Me and my illnesses need sleep!

  Where to next? Who knows? In fact who knows if I even could travel anymore? Let's hope so, I need to see America...

SKINS

  Okay. I may have done a blog post before on Skins. But yanno what ama do it again haha. If you know me you know Skins is my favourite British Tv show EVER, and the one show that I also always go back too... amazing.

  Generation One.
Firstly, let’s start with the First Gen. Every two seasons they always changed the set of characters. Obviously the beginning everyone always claims is ‘thee best’. A true fan loves all Generations, I clearly love them all hahaha.
  First season is always so joyful, so carefree, but also shows us just how Britain was, especially back then! Ha. Drugs, alcohol, sex, head fucks, true and real and honest!
  If you have never ever in your life seen Skins, I recommend you go and get them and go bloody watch them! Season one starts off with Tony working out, and being in his boxers and then some naked cougar across the road being a pervert ha. And then we get Effy returning home and he needs to cause a distraction so she can get in the house un-noticed. And then it starts. We see how crazy it will be in those first few minutes of being introduced to the show. We have our new series and our first set of characters... Tony, Michelle, Sid, Maxxie, Chris, Cassie, Jal and Anwar. But then we also have our set of lovely sub-characters, present but not too present- Effy, Panda, Sid’s dad, in fact all the parents present. Ange, the teacher who fucks Chris. And oh yeah Abigail. The posh one who Tony is using and cheating with on Michelle.
  We have the first series full of all sorts- Michelle hating Tony, but loving him, typical male cheating scenario. Cassie loving Sid. Sid loving Michelle. Or so he thinks. Maxxie being the wonderful gay. Anwar the typical funny foreign guy who is a virgin (till later), obsessed with sex too, Chris the ‘fuck it’ kinda guy; Jal the innocent. Honestly. You need to watch.
  In the second season it gets dark, Tony was run over at the end of Season One, and he’s forgotten who he is, some memories, how to use his hands etc, the start of a dark series. Michelle and Sid sleep together and they realise they don’t love each other, well Sid does. Not more than mates anyway. Sid realises he loves Cassie. Jal and Chris get together, she’s pregnant, Chris actually dies, Anwar and Maxxie still the best of friends. And then it just ends on Sid looking for Cassie in America. So many unanswered questions, but I’ll get to this at the end...

  Generation Two. 
 The second Gen were a little related to Gen one. We have Effy, Tony’s sister. Panda who was seen with the first Gen too, Effy’s best friend. Thomas the Nigerian who moved from Nigeria alone to try raise money for his family. Cook. He’s the ‘Chris’ of this generation, but also abit of Tony being player, but he also falls in love with Effy- in fact all but Thomas do. JJ is the nerd. Freddie the ‘too nice but not’ guy. Naomi, the lesbian. Katie and Emily the twins who are in competition. Sort of. And it turns out Emily loves Naomi.
  As always the first season is always ‘carefree’. Nothing too bad happens. Just the love dilemma, Effy being with Cook, then Freddie, JJ claiming he loves Effy, Katie being with Freddie, Effy always preferring Freddie and making the lads be competitive.
  Then yet again it goes to ‘dark mode season’. Effy is a psycho with Bipolar, hearing things, seeing things. Freddie tries his best to help. But she only gets better when she goes to counselling, but that turns out a disaster as this guy kills Freddie. But Cook kills this guy. And then cliffhangers, again as it just ends on Cook beating him up...

  Generation Three. 
 Third Generation. The most under-rated mis-looked Generation of the Skins family. As always first season sort of carefree, then the second season being dark.
  This time there is no connection to the previous ones. Mini, Frankie, Liv, Mattie, Nick. Grace, Alo and Rich. Frankie is the ‘no gender but female’, meaning she doesn’t think of herself as having a gender, or liking anyone by gender ‘free love and all that’. Liv, Mini and Grace are the trio of best friends, till Frankie comes along. Mini acts as she’s okay with it but then tries to fuck over Mini. Nick is with Mini, but also sleeps with Liv meaning Liv and Mini fall out. Mattie is Nicks brother. Loves both Liv and Frankie, but Frankie more. Grace does everything Mini wants, but then she likes Rich and wants to be with him- Alo is Rich’s best mate. Virgin. Till season 2 and sleeps with Mini. Rich and Grace get married.
  Season two is when Grace dies, Frankie is into a guy called Luke and he’s a psycho. He takes her from a party and Mattie and Grace are following behind but then they crash. Which leaves Grace in a come. And she dies later. There’s the whole thing with Alo and Mini. She gets pregnant. Rich is kinda in his own world after Grace dying. Nick and Mattie both love Frankie. Liv finds a new best mate who is gay but just what she needs.
  Yet again another cliffhanger ending BUT it actually isn’t so bad as the others. I mean we all knowit could of carried on and a lot of unfinished answers...

  Season Seven. 
Okay. Now the most frustrating of the lot. What I thought would be the endings tied off but nope they didn’t! We got three stories- Effy, Cook and Cassie. And were not at all related to previous seasons.
 Let’s start.. Effy came first. She’s in London living with Naomi. Working at a stock place. Stressing about work. No mention of the past at all. Naomi gets Cancer and even this season has a cliffhanger. Ending with Naomi and Emily with each other in bed and Effy going away in a taxi...
  Cassie came next. Back in London. What happened with Sid? WE DO NOT KNOW!! She’s working in a cafe run by foreigners. And then her part is all about her having her photo taken and not knowing blah blah. Nothing to tie off ends!
  And then we have Cook. His story is the only one who kind of mentions past ‘I killed a man’ he says to the chick he likes. As always Cook is Cook. Cook is dealing drugs etc. Transferring people. But then sleeps with his bosses wife. And then they’re hunting him etc. And it ends with ‘Cook winning’ but yeah. As always. It just ends!

  Annoying Cliffhangers.

And now let’s get into those useless endings. Generation One. We had Maxxie and Anwar boarding a bus together to London (did they get there...???). Jal is still pregnant, did she have the baby? Tony and Michelle are together. Again. Does it last? Cassie is in America and we see Sid go over there to find her, that’s actually how it ended him walking around America to look for her.
  HOW ANNOYING?!?!!!
  Second Generation we have Freddie being dead but noone knows. Till Cook goes to the house and the man who killed him and it ends on him going to kill him, which he does we all know it. That’s the biggest cliffhanger from that Generation!
  Third Gen? Mini gave birth. Frankie going to meet her mum. And then yeah. As always. Just ends. Annoying yeah!

So let’s get down to it. Who else agrees that Skins should come back properly to tie off the loose ends? I mean it could of continued so much! I want to know what happened to each Generation! So yeah. People who made Skins... BRING IT BACK!!