Anyhow, with my illnesses lockdown is the norm for me- I don’t go out anyway- I’ve already had this virus twice, once over New Year when people didn’t know this virus was present and then a month ago- and I’m prone to getting it again. Thanks illnesses!
But yeah, normal for me not going out- at least people can have an inking of what I have to deal with, though going out isn’t even a kick to the teeth to the rest of the shit I need to deal with. Honestly, I’m fed up of being full of illnesses. I wanna be free, free to get out! Free to do things like work and work out. Blah!!
I’m meant to be going away in July.... I wonder if that’ll happen. I also want to travel to American that has got to happen soon too! Blah. Just have to be careful. Sun kills me off, but I like to travel, in fact everything kills me off these days.
I had another breakdown, two days ago, I’m used to being lonely and alone, but it hit me brutally again. I mean, it hits me all the time but I push it away. Everyone knows by now what I want by now, and that’s a relationship. But nobody near me is genuine and attractive- trust me. I always get told I won’t and can’t get someone coz of what I do- hey at least I’m open about it and not hiding it- least you know what you’ll get. I know plenty of chicks who hide what they do, some with boyfriends that don’t know... cmon guys its 2020- sex sells, just join in.
A relationship for me is wanted because I’ve been on my own so goddamn long. But at the same time it’s like I push people away so much as well- my walls are super high, I get super jealous and worry so much, I know I’m alot to deal with but I know I’m also worth it in the end. It just ducks honestly that I cannot find anyone. I’m not even joking. I really can’t.
I spend my days checking my phone, and then getting upset because I never have any messages. I know Facebook randoms try- but I’m sorry there’s no point me replying I’m not interested in dating you, you’ve not sent gifts, you’ve not signed up for content... you’re not going to get a reply, unless it's a very interesting message you’ve sent me haha. I know that seems mean- but what’s the point, I don’t need no new mates.
I’ve been single 5 years 6 months now. And all I’ve had is being messed about and let down so fucking much. Even when I wasn’t single. My first love, the love of my life, he never loved me but he’s happy asf nowadays- but I’m still not over him, and it’s been almost 8 years. It’s so true when they say you never get over the first love. My second boyfriend also didn’t love me. And he’s happy. Maybe the key to getting someone is making someone love me and me not loving back... I dunno.
People always say that ‘love yourself first’, well excuse me I do. I’ve come a long way, trust me, I used to hate myself, I mean sometimes I get upset over my looks but I don’t dwell on it anymore, I post without makeup and filters and I gotta say I look decent haha. Even though I keep getting bloody spots, my skin is worse than a teens! (Hello illnesses again making me spot prone). But yeah I do love myself, life is too short. And I can’t change anything. Besides I’m easily a 7 😂💁♀️. I just want to extend my love to someone else, and in the words of Cudi, ‘if you love soft, you already lost, but oh if you love hard, you should let down your guard and follow your heart’ and I can honestly say I’m a hard lover, except I don’t let down my guard fully. I try, but then things get cut down short anyway! I also get told ‘stop looking and it’ll come’ - this is also a load of shit - why? Because I’ve done that and still didn’t find anyone and still got fucked over. I’m a believer in fighting for what you want, and I do. But guys get scared. Understandable. I wish I could find someone as emotional as me and wants love and no games.
I started to practise witchcraft, now it’s not like in the books, films, TV, though I wish it was, it’s more chill, it’s more protecting yourself, and it really does work, I started winning at quizzes and having more luck with sales. Till recently. But I’m not getting into why haha.
Which also has me pointing out sales are bloody low as at the moment! I don’t get why...! Maybe coz of lack of people working and the fact gals be coming into my business with their $3 onlyfans... excuse me doll you’re worth more than that, get upping those prices and fuck off. People tend to tell me it aint a business, but it kinda is. I’ve been doing these sites waaaay before people had them being popular. It’s a joke. Also the fact gals who slated me are fucking doing it themselves now. Like, really?!!!
My birthday has passed, and I gifted myself so much haha. My mum got me some cat bits that I’ll never use (like a mini purse) haha. Had a couple people buy off my wishlist too... but I’ve realised that my ‘fans’ don’t like to spend. And if you’re reading this right now you need to start signing up or gifting...’you’ll be making me happy! Yes, money buys my happiness, it’s why I’m shit at saving. I’ll see something I’ll get it. Even if I have no money I’ll get haha. You should late-gift me💕.
Still got 12 cats, still got so much love. And I’ve realised I was clearly meant to be a witch.... Witches and cats go together! My youngest two are thriving but like their mama seem to have stopped growing! Still, forever broody for more cats. I’d love more.
I’d also love to move out, but lack of money and the fact I haven’t a stable income means I’m still home, 27 and I still fucking live with my mum and sisters. I’m thankful though, at least I’m not homeless, at least they help me if and when I need- which can be alot. I’m bed ridden a lot of the time. So yeah. They just don’t believe like the rest of the world that my illnesses exist. Well, I think my mum finally is getting it a little but my bratty sisters still sometimes suck. I wish I had more illness support, it sucks. Will I ever move out? I dunno at this rate!
I feel like a burden, I feel like the world is against me, I feel like a failure. Being my age and having nothing to show for it. I still feel like a kid. I mean, like I said still at home, don’t work becuaee my body won’t let me, spend most my time in my room- which is the smallest- and I have a lot of stuff. I also still have posters and calendars on my wall from when I was younger, I hate bare walls.
There’s so much of my past that I miss and I know it holds me back but I also can’t seem to get on with it. It’s all I think and dream of, and it’s shitty. I still pine for my shitty relationships even though they treated me shit. And I still pine for those friendships from the past even though they left my life. But ah well.
I am thankful to be alive and shit- I promise. Just hard sometimes to keep on fighting. But I’m still HERE. Part of me actually wishes I could live forever, turn me into a vampire already. I’m thankful for the little things too. I say it daily to myself, and I hope my happiness and love will come soon.
Oooo may as well slip in some little things bit here, Fallout 76 has just been updated completely and basically it’s a new game. Didn’t take me long to complete the story side and there are a few other bits. I hope they keep updating and adding and then it’s abit more like Fallout 4 with endless things to do... they most defo need to extend the building limit and add decorations and such where we don’t have to constantly pay for. I mean, I used to put forks and knives and plates on tables and shit like that be fun be able to do it. I do hate the fact when you go into darker places everything is like lever 60+. I mean I know I’m level 63, but I don’t play to fight, I play to game! Oh and the whole perk card shit needs to be fixed. Only allowed a certain amount of points and having to click through and move points over to another, how annoying just give me as many as I can and let me make my character strong. Instead of being knocked out in one hit if not in power armour. Still. A great game. And I do recommend it. Fuck the bad reviews. I liked it before the NPC’s as I normally skip the speech anyway.
Have you ever wanted to jump in a book? Film? TV show? Yeah? Me too. It’d be brilliant if I could be in Twilight and be in that world, or just any supernatural world haha, I mean if the supernatural world is already alive here, turn me into a vampire. Would be nice to be without pain and shit haha.
Speaking of pain why does getting inked gotta hurt so bad?! People don’t believe me when I say the pain is so bad because I’m covered... but I would be more covered if it wasn’t for the pain. I try and numb my ink, otherwise I end up pushing away from the tattooist. I always wanted a vampire/angel back piece but it’d kill me off, cmon guys make tattooing pain free pls! The pain got worse when my illness pain did.
Anyhow, caught you up, mostly, still just plodding along in bed. Hope you enjoyed reading. If of course you read. And you read it all.
Love, the chronically ill and hopeful for her happiness,
Abbyy Lewis.
